Who asks who

[Richard49]

This question is about who asks who about collar
However it a broader question also
who (Dom or submissive)
approaches who firstI have heard of the idea of the submissive petitioning the dominant to be accepted or collared or whatever. It's an interesting concept, but I, personally, don't know if it's a bit backwards.

When you find someone who might be 'the one', will you expect to petition or receive a petition - or is that too formal - or do you
think the dominant should be the one doing the pursuing?

 

[Shadowsdream]

I think there is no right or wrong way to answer this question. But of course will answer it in My way as it would pertain to Me.
A collaring for Me will not occur until many many months or years into a long term relationship.
But the *collar* conversation will have been held in serious, silly and intimate moments. Sometimes dropped in casually and other times being the core of a deep and complex analysis.
Throughout these conversations I will learn how much value this really has to said submissive.
My slave began desiring his collar from the first moment he walked into My home and was constantly asking for it. In My mind he did not understand the value of a formal collar even though he did not understand that.
When he stopped asking and in his silence I could see that his needs had simplified, and just being Mine was enough to hold him for eternity *I* offered him the collar 2 and 1/2 years into the 24/7 relationship.
"Formality" is something I enjoy very much in a D/s relationship though.

 

[ownedsubgal]

as far as serious, committed, loving relationships, which is the only kind of M/s relationship i would become involved in voluntarily, i don't think there should be any "pursuing" on either side. i think that love and romance is just one of those things that just happen...so i don't believe in dating and all that other typical crap. my Master and i started out as friends...friends with no intentions or hopes of becoming more than that with each other...we never went out on a date, we never interacted like two people looking for anything, we were just two friends, talking and hanging out. and it was thru friendship that some crazy way we fell in love and realized we had to have each other. one day, he simply asked me if i would be his. i said yes. simple as that.

i have heard of slaves begging a collar, i know for some that is a beautiful ritual, but imo the Dominant should be the one asking to take that final step. a submissive asking it comes across as a bit presumptious to me, even if the relationship is well established.

 

[psiberzerker]

I've only owned one collar, I thought we where ready for it, but apparently not. We disgussed it, but in the end, there was no asking, I bought the damned thing, and showed it to her with the understanding that she could put it on whenever she was ready. No pressure, I guess I could have made her, but that would've defeated the purpose. She never was ready, and I took it as a personal defeat.
A sufficiently creative Dom/me need not ask, just find a way to make it the subs choice. A sub may ask to be collared, probably on hir knees, or something like that, but I've never found that to be neccisary either. Hey, whatever blows your skirt.
I've given up on the whole collar thing. It's a great concept, just not for me. I've grown past trying to dominate a completely docile subject, and to me, it ain't a collar if it's on someone who talks back.
As for the seccond part, I don't start a relationship with the trappings of Ds, or SM. These may be incorperated in later, but at the start, I'm neither a Dom, nor masochist untill it comes up. A girl may ask me to dominate her, and I will probably accept, but untill then, we are equals as far as Top/bottom.
Not to say I don't dominate earlier, it's in my nature, but it's not formal untill then. When it becomes formal, (Which isn't my preferrance, I'd rather keep it light) then the rules, and so forth come in.

 

[bunny bondage]

if my relationship with Him ever got to that level of commitment, i would have no hesitation in bringing up the subject. i would not, however, ask to be collared. i would ask Him what He thought about it, and just leave the rest up to Him. but hey, that's just me!

 

[Azalea]

Again, I find the range of belief/practise fascinating.
I have seen references here to "formal" collaring and "play" collaring. Is a formal collaring analogous toan engagement ring, in the sense that it signals deeper commitment to the relationship as it is moving?

 

[Ebonyfire]

I think there is no right or wrong way to answer this question. But of course will answer it in My way as it would pertain to Me.
A collaring for Me will not occur until many many months or years into a long term relationship.
But the *collar* conversation will have been held in serious, silly and intimate moments. Sometimes dropped in casually and other times being the core of a deep and complex analysis.
Throughout these conversations I will learn how much value this really has to said submissive.
My slave began desiring his collar from the first moment he walked into My home and was constantly asking for it. In My mind he did not understand the value of a formal collar even though he did not understand that.
When he stopped asking and in his silence I could see that his needs had simplified, and just being Mine was enough to hold him for eternity *I* offered him the collar 2 and 1/2 years into the 24/7 relationship.
"Formality" is something I enjoy very much in a D/s relationship though.

I have to agree with everything SD has said. I have never offered a collar to my boys. They are not up to that level of commitment. I discuss the issue when it comes up with 24/7 candidates, and I tell them that it is something needs to happen over time, in due course, if it happens at all.

I believe that it is a process or journey that must unfold over time. When I collar anyone, it will mean something.

 

[psiberzerker]

More semantics

IMHO, a collar is a peice of leather, or other material affixed around the throat. You see them on the Noir kids a lot, and it doesn't mean a damned thing except that they are "Goth". When I speak of formal collaring, I mean it in the BDSM sense, a symbolic, and physical point of controll over the subject. It doesn't even have to be on the neck.
As for play collaring, you can chain me to a post in canine fantasy(not my cup o' tea, but whatever) but that doesn't make me a sub. Beyond representing submission, and by extention, Dominance, it's a usefull way to controll someone's movements. I've been known to wear a scrotal collar, not to make them "Her balls", but for sensual purposes.
The formal collar is a wedding band, of sorts, just one you can chain someone with.