phantome71
Experienced
- Joined
- Mar 8, 2002
- Posts
- 36
Check out this hot story http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=71288
White Cotton Knickers
- Thread starter phantome71
- Start date
sirhugs
Riding to the Rescue
- Joined
- Jan 25, 2002
- Posts
- 40,372
Being delicate is not my thing, phantome, so I waited without replying. But I see everyone else did the same. Wonder why you have many views, no feedback?
Despite dr mabeuse's thread about honest criticism, most here on feedback try to be nice and encourage writers. Imagine how I dreaded reading your story when you proclaimed it " hot". Then, my dread was confirmed- the story was ok, but not " hot". The situation seemed unrealistic, and the dialogue was forced, not like I think real people talk. The sex also was uninspired, or uninspiring.
The female POV also seemed like you are a male faking orgasm- it just doesn't convince.
It was a good trial run, and contains only a few obvious editing issues, but to self-promote as "hot", you really need to try harder. Fortunately, with practice, you have potential.
Despite dr mabeuse's thread about honest criticism, most here on feedback try to be nice and encourage writers. Imagine how I dreaded reading your story when you proclaimed it " hot". Then, my dread was confirmed- the story was ok, but not " hot". The situation seemed unrealistic, and the dialogue was forced, not like I think real people talk. The sex also was uninspired, or uninspiring.
The female POV also seemed like you are a male faking orgasm- it just doesn't convince.
It was a good trial run, and contains only a few obvious editing issues, but to self-promote as "hot", you really need to try harder. Fortunately, with practice, you have potential.
PaulX35
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2002
- Posts
- 331
In agreement with the Sir...
Phantome,
Quality is always something others find of something, so - like sirhugs - I can well do without announcements of things being hot. Your action sounded more like advertizing than it seemed a real request for feedback. So I won't give you extended feedback.
Your main weaknesses, I think, are:
- unconvincing story line
- bad dialogue (it is unrealistic)
- pathologic use of exclamation marks
Your readers are not stupid, so allow them to do their own thinking. Rather than stressing things with randomly scattered exclamation marks, you should try and let the story, dialogue and plot sizzle itself.
I wish you good luck with the revision of this story. It's ok, not totally unpromising, and I've read substantially hotter proza than the story you advertized. In summary: it requires a lot of work.
Paul
Phantome,
Quality is always something others find of something, so - like sirhugs - I can well do without announcements of things being hot. Your action sounded more like advertizing than it seemed a real request for feedback. So I won't give you extended feedback.
Your main weaknesses, I think, are:
- unconvincing story line
- bad dialogue (it is unrealistic)
- pathologic use of exclamation marks
Your readers are not stupid, so allow them to do their own thinking. Rather than stressing things with randomly scattered exclamation marks, you should try and let the story, dialogue and plot sizzle itself.
I wish you good luck with the revision of this story. It's ok, not totally unpromising, and I've read substantially hotter proza than the story you advertized. In summary: it requires a lot of work.
Paul
Star of Penumbra
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 28, 2002
- Posts
- 5,106
Okay... This story could be a LOT better with just a little work.
Firstly, get rid of all the exclamation marks, which appear to have distributed more or less at random.
Second, start a new paragraph when another character speaks. Otherwise it's hard to read, and often confusing.
Untouched quote:
Edited quote:
See how much easier that is to read?
I'll be honest; I didn't read the entire thing. I couldn't stand any more after the first few paragraphs.
You show some potential. If you keep at it, apply the rules of grammar, and make the dialoge a bit more readable and realistic, you could be a pretty good writer. Just remember, you have to work at it. Nobody here learned to write overnight, and we're all still improving, even those of us who have been writing for decades.
One final bit of advice: Don't let negative feedback get you down. It only serves to make you a better writer.
Firstly, get rid of all the exclamation marks, which appear to have distributed more or less at random.
Second, start a new paragraph when another character speaks. Otherwise it's hard to read, and often confusing.
Untouched quote:
Edited quote:
See how much easier that is to read?
I'll be honest; I didn't read the entire thing. I couldn't stand any more after the first few paragraphs.
You show some potential. If you keep at it, apply the rules of grammar, and make the dialoge a bit more readable and realistic, you could be a pretty good writer. Just remember, you have to work at it. Nobody here learned to write overnight, and we're all still improving, even those of us who have been writing for decades.
One final bit of advice: Don't let negative feedback get you down. It only serves to make you a better writer.
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