Which is 'inappropriate'?

[may_I_please]

Why do pictures matter?

People see me on the beach, in pools, at the gym

Why would a picture matter?

 

[LWulf]

Why do pictures matter? People see me on the beach, in pools, at the gym Why would a picture matter?

Personal. erotic. photos. that you are not telling your boyfriend/girlfriend about

 

[may_I_please]

Like my av or my profile? I show no more skin they are just posed a bit more sexily than regular shots

He has his own collection..they are far more..well his

This is my body, my right no? Or maybe they aren't erotic ...maybe you mean full on porn shots

 

[LWulf]

Like my av or my profile? I show no more skin they are just posed a bit more sexily than regular shots

He has his own collection..they are far more..well his

This is my body, my right no? Or maybe they aren't erotic ...maybe you mean full on porn shots

How else do you define "personal erotic photos"? yes, full on porn if that makes it easier.

 

[may_I_please]

I don't need you to make it easier

I have my own opinion and you have another one

I was just discussing a difference of opinion ...no need to patronise

 

[LWulf]

I was just discussing a difference of opinion ...no need to patronise

As was I ...no need to assume

 

[SlutAddicted]

Why do pictures matter?

People see me on the beach, in pools, at the gym

Why would a picture matter?

Personally I don't think they should matter. But if they represent evidence that you are engaging in activity that your partner would rather you kept discrete that is a consideration.

 

[GiggLeGasm]

Like my av or my profile? I show no more skin they are just posed a bit more sexily than regular shots

He has his own collection..they are far more..well his

This is my body, my right no? Or maybe they aren't erotic ...maybe you mean full on porn shots

I think it's more the intention of the shot.
If I have a picture of myself taken as a result of an intimate situation, I find that I share ownership of that "moment" more than "my body" and I try to respect that it is a gift already given. It's kind of like - I don't want to regift a moment.

If I take a picture to portray a moment of fantasy, I own that one free and clear.

of course.. those rules only apply to me

 

[may_I_please]

I think it's more the intention of the shot.
If I have a picture of myself taken as a result of an intimate situation, I find that I share ownership of that "moment" more than "my body" and I try to respect that it is a gift already given. It's kind of like - I don't want to regift a moment.

If I take a picture to portray a moment of fantasy, I own that one free and clear.

of course.. those rules only apply to me

May I have your rules too please giggle...they make sense to me

 

[GiggLeGasm]

May I have your rules too please giggle...they make sense to me

has anyone ever been able to say no to you, sweet girl?

 

[may_I_please]

They try...sometimes

They really shouldn't you know...I'm pretty sure there's a law somewhere about it

 

[LWulf]

I think it's more the intention...
...
If I take a picture to portray a moment of fantasy, I own that one free and clear.

The way I see it, and as the OP said, this is all with regards to secreting such actions from the other person, and to me, that IS an act of intent.

Taking a picture of a moment of fantasy is your own, you own it, undeniably. However, do you then have the right to give out that picture to anybody (primary concern: while in a relationship with someone else and not to tell them about it)? Generally your "intent" to do so would be for personal jollies, and/or for gratification of another (or number of anothers). That is where the water gets muddy.

Let's flip it around and put it in a negative aspect that most women don't like. The guy goes out to a strip joint. He only seeks to fulfill a fantasy and not actually get intimate with another woman. He enjoys the attention he gets and gets a cheap thrill out of ambiguous flirtations. He doesn't actually do anything with anybody else, so no harm no foul, right? The stripper gets what they want ($$) and in the end, the guy is home with his wife/girlfriend/boyfriend.

It's a moment of fantasy and he owns it free and clear. No need to tell the other person about it, right?

Let's flip it around again. Lets argue that the woman doesn't see the faceless men she arouses by posting pics of herself on the internet, and therefore she if free of guilt of not telling her "SO," so no harm no foul. Let's put that same instance in a different perspective. A woman works at a glory hole. She gets guys off but never see's their faces, so she is free from guilt and doesn't need to tell her husband/boyfriend/girlfriend about it, right? No harm, no foul.

Let's pick up the beach concept and run with that ball.
A woman goes to a nude beach. While there, she is photographed by a guy who intends to take it home and whack off to it (or post it on the internet and let other guys whack off to it). Was it her intent to give the guys jollies? No. Is it her fault? No. Is it necessary for her to tell her boyfriend/husband/girlfriend? No, because she probably didn't know about it and it wasn't her intent.

Change that to that she knew about the photographer, and that she was flirting with him, and you can flip all those "no's" to "yes's."

Look, I could care less what you all do by yourselves. You "own the moment" as you say when it comes to yourself, but when it comes to another person being involved in a relationship with you, then you have a responsibility to tell the other person, or suffer the potential of a train wreck. In that event, the only person to point a finger of blame at is yourself.

For myself, I usually have no problem with any such goings on from a girlfriend. Want to suck my dick and post those pictures of you doing so on the internet? Have at it just don't post my face, and more importantly TELL me you're posting it, because if I find out for myself (and I will, one way or the other), then you've just blown all sense of trust and respect with me, and in ANY relationship, those two are unspoken rules.

Meh, you all probably have me on ignore anyway by now.

 

[SlutAddicted]

The way I see it, and as the OP said, this is all with regards to secreting such actions from the other person, and to me, that IS an act of intent.

Taking a picture of a moment of fantasy is your own, you own it, undeniably. However, do you then have the right to give out that picture to anybody (primary concern: while in a relationship with someone else and not to tell them about it)? Generally your "intent" to do so would be for personal jollies, and/or for gratification of another (or number of anothers). That is where the water gets muddy.

Let's flip it around and put it in a negative aspect that most women don't like. The guy goes out to a strip joint. He only seeks to fulfill a fantasy and not actually get intimate with another woman. He enjoys the attention he gets and gets a cheap thrill out of ambiguous flirtations. He doesn't actually do anything with anybody else, so no harm no foul, right? The stripper gets what they want ($$) and in the end, the guy is home with his wife/girlfriend/boyfriend.

It's a moment of fantasy and he owns it free and clear. No need to tell the other person about it, right?

Let's flip it around again. Lets argue that the woman doesn't see the faceless men she arouses by posting pics of herself on the internet, and therefore she if free of guilt of not telling her "SO," so no harm no foul. Let's put that same instance in a different perspective. A woman works at a glory hole. She gets guys off but never see's their faces, so she is free from guilt and doesn't need to tell her husband/boyfriend/girlfriend about it, right? No harm, no foul.

Let's pick up the beach concept and run with that ball.
A woman goes to a nude beach. While there, she is photographed by a guy who intends to take it home and whack off to it (or post it on the internet and let other guys whack off to it). Was it her intent to give the guys jollies? No. Is it her fault? No. Is it necessary for her to tell her boyfriend/husband/girlfriend? No, because she probably didn't know about it and it wasn't her intent.

Change that to that she knew about the photographer, and that she was flirting with him, and you can flip all those "no's" to "yes's."

Look, I could care less what you all do by yourselves. You "own the moment" as you say when it comes to yourself, but when it comes to another person being involved in a relationship with you, then you have a responsibility to tell the other person, or suffer the potential of a train wreck. In that event, the only person to point a finger of blame at is yourself.

For myself, I usually have no problem with any such goings on from a girlfriend. Want to suck my dick and post those pictures of you doing so on the internet? Have at it just don't post my face, and more importantly TELL me you're posting it, because if I find out for myself (and I will, one way or the other), then you've just blown all sense of trust and respect with me, and in ANY relationship, those two are unspoken rules.

Meh, you all probably have me on ignore anyway by now.

Whether you have a responsibility to tell your partner is a function of the relationship and agreements (implicit or explicit) that you have with that person.

If you know or could reasonably believe that your partner would be offended by your sharing of an intimate photo then it is inappropriate. Even if you disagree vehemently with your partner's perspective that doesn't give you the right to ignore it and keep them in the dark about it.

Likewise if you know or could reasonably believe that your partner isn't offended by something then it isn't inappropriate not matter what anyone else thinks. My wife is not bothered if I go to strip clubs - I've told her when I go and paid close attention to her responses and opinions and know that she isn't agreeing just to please me or be compliant. So no matter how much anyone else thinks my going there is inappropriate (at least as it relates to my obligation to my wife) they are wrong.

The answer to all the scenarios presented is within the relationship not in the court of public opinion or the immediate circle of friends. As such the poll is a reflection of the "terms" of various relationships rather than a reflection of views as to what the universal "terms" are or ought to be.

 

[LWulf]

Whether you have a responsibility to tell your partner is a function of the relationship and agreements (implicit or explicit) that you have with that person.

If you know or could reasonably believe that your partner would be offended by your sharing of an intimate photo then it is inappropriate. Even if you disagree vehemently with your partner's perspective that doesn't give you the right to ignore it and keep them in the dark about it.

Likewise if you know or could reasonably believe that your partner isn't offended by something then it isn't inappropriate not matter what anyone else thinks. My wife is not bothered if I go to strip clubs - I've told her when I go and paid close attention to her responses and opinions and know that she isn't agreeing just to please me or be compliant. So no matter how much anyone else thinks my going there is inappropriate (at least as it relates to my obligation to my wife) they are wrong.

The answer to all the scenarios presented is within the relationship not in the court of public opinion or the immediate circle of friends. As such the poll is a reflection of the "terms" of various relationships rather than a reflection of views as to what the universal "terms" are or ought to be.

... so, you are going to contest what I said, by taking my side???

Also, I never mentioned anything regarding public opinion being taken into consideration in anybody's relationship. I merely said that it's universally accepted in any relationship, whether it be open-swinger, slave, cuckold, hetero, gay, etc etc etc that 'trust' and 'respect' are standards and hiding doing something with someone else, will challenge those two standards.

Please reread what I said again and if you still wish to contest what I said or if I've misinterpreted what your posture is to what I've said, then feel free to reply again.

 

[tiny_tits]

To be totally honest- I am 'inappropriate' here on Lit, IMHO.
I know that.

Posting pics without his knowledge, while in an exclusive relationship is being a bit dishonest

And, I might add, so is sexting.

 

[GiggLeGasm]

The way I see it, and as the OP said, this is all with regards to secreting such actions from the other person, and to me, that IS an act of intent.

Taking a picture of a moment of fantasy is your own, you own it, undeniably. However, do you then have the right to give out that picture to anybody (primary concern: while in a relationship with someone else and not to tell them about it)? Generally your "intent" to do so would be for personal jollies, and/or for gratification of another (or number of anothers). That is where the water gets muddy.

Let's flip it around and put it in a negative aspect that most women don't like. The guy goes out to a strip joint. He only seeks to fulfill a fantasy and not actually get intimate with another woman. He enjoys the attention he gets and gets a cheap thrill out of ambiguous flirtations. He doesn't actually do anything with anybody else, so no harm no foul, right? The stripper gets what they want ($$) and in the end, the guy is home with his wife/girlfriend/boyfriend.

It's a moment of fantasy and he owns it free and clear. No need to tell the other person about it, right?

Let's flip it around again. Lets argue that the woman doesn't see the faceless men she arouses by posting pics of herself on the internet, and therefore she if free of guilt of not telling her "SO," so no harm no foul. Let's put that same instance in a different perspective. A woman works at a glory hole. She gets guys off but never see's their faces, so she is free from guilt and doesn't need to tell her husband/boyfriend/girlfriend about it, right? No harm, no foul.

Let's pick up the beach concept and run with that ball.
A woman goes to a nude beach. While there, she is photographed by a guy who intends to take it home and whack off to it (or post it on the internet and let other guys whack off to it). Was it her intent to give the guys jollies? No. Is it her fault? No. Is it necessary for her to tell her boyfriend/husband/girlfriend? No, because she probably didn't know about it and it wasn't her intent.

Change that to that she knew about the photographer, and that she was flirting with him, and you can flip all those "no's" to "yes's."

Look, I could care less what you all do by yourselves. You "own the moment" as you say when it comes to yourself, but when it comes to another person being involved in a relationship with you, then you have a responsibility to tell the other person, or suffer the potential of a train wreck. In that event, the only person to point a finger of blame at is yourself.

For myself, I usually have no problem with any such goings on from a girlfriend. Want to suck my dick and post those pictures of you doing so on the internet? Have at it just don't post my face, and more importantly TELL me you're posting it, because if I find out for myself (and I will, one way or the other), then you've just blown all sense of trust and respect with me, and in ANY relationship, those two are unspoken rules.

Meh, you all probably have me on ignore anyway by now.

I'm not sure we're discussing the same point. I wasn't mentioning whether or not I find picture posting to be inappropriate. I was responding to Mays comment about who owns the pictures.
I don't think that there is that much disagreement on this thread - only the point that the definition of cheating may contribute to the definition of inappropriate.

 

[tiny_tits]

The way I see it, and as the OP said, this is all with regards to secreting such actions from the other person, and to me, that IS an act of intent.

Taking a picture of a moment of fantasy is your own, you own it, undeniably. However, do you then have the right to give out that picture to anybody (primary concern: while in a relationship with someone else and not to tell them about it)? Generally your "intent" to do so would be for personal jollies, and/or for gratification of another (or number of anothers). That is where the water gets muddy.

Let's flip it around and put it in a negative aspect that most women don't like. The guy goes out to a strip joint. He only seeks to fulfill a fantasy and not actually get intimate with another woman. He enjoys the attention he gets and gets a cheap thrill out of ambiguous flirtations. He doesn't actually do anything with anybody else, so no harm no foul, right? The stripper gets what they want ($$) and in the end, the guy is home with his wife/girlfriend/boyfriend.

It's a moment of fantasy and he owns it free and clear. No need to tell the other person about it, right?

Let's flip it around again. Lets argue that the woman doesn't see the faceless men she arouses by posting pics of herself on the internet, and therefore she if free of guilt of not telling her "SO," so no harm no foul. Let's put that same instance in a different perspective. A woman works at a glory hole. She gets guys off but never see's their faces, so she is free from guilt and doesn't need to tell her husband/boyfriend/girlfriend about it, right? No harm, no foul.

Let's pick up the beach concept and run with that ball.
A woman goes to a nude beach. While there, she is photographed by a guy who intends to take it home and whack off to it (or post it on the internet and let other guys whack off to it). Was it her intent to give the guys jollies? No. Is it her fault? No. Is it necessary for her to tell her boyfriend/husband/girlfriend? No, because she probably didn't know about it and it wasn't her intent.

Change that to that she knew about the photographer, and that she was flirting with him, and you can flip all those "no's" to "yes's."

Look, I could care less what you all do by yourselves. You "own the moment" as you say when it comes to yourself, but when it comes to another person being involved in a relationship with you, then you have a responsibility to tell the other person, or suffer the potential of a train wreck. In that event, the only person to point a finger of blame at is yourself.

For myself, I usually have no problem with any such goings on from a girlfriend. Want to suck my dick and post those pictures of you doing so on the internet? Have at it just don't post my face, and more importantly TELL me you're posting it, because if I find out for myself (and I will, one way or the other), then you've just blown all sense of trust and respect with me, and in ANY relationship, those two are unspoken rules.

Meh, you all probably have me on ignore anyway by now.

I like LWulf's comparison-

Me posting naked pics for... what? Attention? Affirimination? Attracting other males?

Him going to a strip club for... what? Sexual excitement? Fantasizing about hooking up with her?

 

[SlutAddicted]

... so, you are going to contest what I said, by taking my side???

Also, I never mentioned anything regarding public opinion being taken into consideration in anybody's relationship. I merely said that it's universally accepted in any relationship, whether it be open-swinger, slave, cuckold, hetero, gay, etc etc etc that 'trust' and 'respect' are standards and hiding doing something with someone else, will challenge those two standards.

Please reread what I said again and if you still wish to contest what I said or if I've misinterpreted what your posture is to what I've said, then feel free to reply again.

Actually, perhaps you should re-read my post. I am simply adding the comments that I see as pertinent without intent to take your side or refute it.

Also perhaps re-read your own post. The one attached hereto states that the issue arises from "hiding doing something with someone else" without reference to whether that "something" or the hiding of it is against the relationship agreement. My relationship features a handful of things that are not permitted and everything else, including having secrets, is fair game as long as the secret isn't that I violated one of the restrictions. It is acceptable for me to chat with others online and not disclose it so the assertion that "hiding doing something with someone else, will challenge those two standards" is categorically wrong because it is built on the assumption that having secrets about what I do with others is a universal prohibition when that is simply not the case for us.

The post prior you illustrate a series of examples upon which you opine on the suitability or not of certain acts. For instance you describe your perspective on a man going to a strip joint and make a conclusion without reference to the relationship agreement. I realize that you are not suggesting that is the right conclusion for everyone, but my point is that the rational is irrelevant to the point altogether. The only thing that is relevant is whether it is acceptable under the relationship agreement.

Yes, I have taken your words out of context exactly as you did mine. Now re-read my previous post as a simple statement of view rather than a point of debate. In answer to the OP the ONLY criteria for what is appropriate for any given couple is the the personal agreement between partners without regard to what other people think. The rest is just people sharing their views on what they personally find appropriate which is by definition neither right or wrong for anyone else.

Perhaps this is a fine distinction but it is an important one because many people who do violate their relationship agreement do so by contorting themselves into rationalizations that seek to invalidate the parts of the agreement that they find inconvenient. Meanwhile others often seek to impose conditions that were never agreed to based upon some universal expectation. Unless a couple can start from the place that says going to a strip club or looking at porn is not automatically bad then it isn't an open discussion - its a debate about who is correct. A fruitless exercise kind of like this one.

 

[LWulf]

re-reading

Whether you have a responsibility to tell your partner is a function of the relationship and agreements (implicit or explicit) that you have with that person.

Okay, I see the "explicit which would agree with what I've been saying, and I'm waiting for the implicit examples

If you know or could reasonably believe that your partner would be offended by your sharing of an intimate photo then it is inappropriate. Even if you disagree vehemently with your partner's perspective that doesn't give you the right to ignore it and keep them in the dark about it.

I see trust and respect being used here. nothing that disagrees with what I've said.

Likewise if you know or could reasonably believe that your partner isn't offended by something then it isn't inappropriate not matter what anyone else thinks. My wife is not bothered if I go to strip clubs - I've told her when I go and paid close attention to her responses and opinions and know that she isn't agreeing just to please me or be compliant. So no matter how much anyone else thinks my going there is inappropriate (at least as it relates to my obligation to my wife) they are wrong.

green is other people's opinions which again isn't anything I've brought up.
Red is you previously or after the fact telling your wife what you do. nothing being done behind your wife's back. Again, nothing that disagrees with what I've said and I'm still waiting for the implicit examples.

The answer to all the scenarios presented is within the relationship not in the court of public opinion or the immediate circle of friends. As such the poll is a reflection of the "terms" of various relationships rather than a reflection of views as to what the universal "terms" are or ought to be.

Again, more green, nothing I've said. You also seem to be thinking that "everybody who votes in this pole has to agree to the dictates of what everybody else thinks is inappropriate or suffer a fate blah blah blah."
Voting doesn't mean anything, except you submitting an opinion. Posting a comment and saying "this is what I think" invites people to discuss your opinion. If you feel otherwise, then you should be a responsible adult by not opening the door to discuss.

Okay, I've re-read your post. I see nothing that really arises to announce a disagreement with exception to the "implicit" agreements in a relationship. No relationship is going to survive when you or your partner think "I'll do what I like as long as I feel I can get away with it" which is what "implicit" suggests.

Do you need to say "Honey, I'm going to take the garbage out, is that okay, snookums?" No, you don't need to get authorization and bring the attention of your actions to the other person, and I see that as "reasonably believing..." However, taking the other person for granted and thinking "Well, we said we have an open relationship, so if I get a mistress, pay for an apartment for her, provide food and other necessities, this doesn't fall under the term "reasonable." That exhibits trying to get away with anything you can by twisting the terms between you and your spouse in a way to suit your hidden agendas. It's a relationship killer.

I don't need to re-read anything I've said. If all you had was a beef with "terms in an open marriage" with regards to what I've said, then you should have stated such to begin with. Desirably with an example that supports your position.
Or, a simple "You didn't take into consideration 'previous agreements in an open relationship' in all your blabber," would have explained your position much better than an obscure indication of contention with what I've said.
To wit, in an open relationship, you have given your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend advance notice of intentions. This, to me, qualifies as acting in a "respectful" and within the confines of "trust." However, it is still probably a good idea to alert them to your actions.

I've been in a relationship with a stripper (or two) as I previously stated. This qualifies, per se, as an "open relationship." Strippers don't go home with patrons. They don't do anything except fulfill the fantasies of seeing and talking to a hot nekid girl within arm's reach. Anything beyond that is illegal and puts them at risk of losing their jobs. If one of my stripper girlfriends took someone "home" and boffed them, then that would violate the terms of my "open relationship" with them and I would want to be brought aware of such goings on. Instead, they acted within trust and respect of my relationship with them.
So, indirectly, I DID take 'open relationships' into consideration in my initial post and still await you to bring something more substantial to the table to contest what I've said.

 

[TheSilverLining]

Every relationship is different. You find out what works for the both of you and go with that. Fuck what anybody else thinks.
None of the items listed are inappropriate so long as it works for you both.

The lack of honesty is the inappropriate bit IMO.

 

[LWulf]

I'm not sure we're discussing the same point. I wasn't mentioning whether or not I find picture posting to be inappropriate. I was responding to Mays comment about who owns the pictures.
I don't think that there is that much disagreement on this thread - only the point that the definition of cheating may contribute to the definition of inappropriate.

My apologies if I took your initial statement in error.

It seemed like you were saying "as long as I take a photo of myself, alone, in an intimate moment, I can share that with whoever I like." I read it as a very salt-n-pepa-esque "It's none of yo' business" position.

A woman's body is her own and she can do with it, as she likes, which is true. All I was saying is, when she is in a relationship with someone, it's reprehensible if she (or he, duh) acts outside the bounds of responsibility to that relationship.

 

[pcookie]

Every relationship is different. You find out what works for the both of you and go with that. Fuck what anybody else thinks.
None of the items listed are inappropriate so long as it works for you both.

The lack of honesty is the inappropriate bit IMO.

I agree!
Honesty and trust is a must in a relationship.

 

[policywank]

Whether you have a responsibility to tell your partner is a function of the relationship and agreements (implicit or explicit) that you have with that person.

If you know or could reasonably believe that your partner would be offended by your sharing of an intimate photo then it is inappropriate. Even if you disagree vehemently with your partner's perspective that doesn't give you the right to ignore it and keep them in the dark about it.

Likewise if you know or could reasonably believe that your partner isn't offended by something then it isn't inappropriate not matter what anyone else thinks. My wife is not bothered if I go to strip clubs - I've told her when I go and paid close attention to her responses and opinions and know that she isn't agreeing just to please me or be compliant. So no matter how much anyone else thinks my going there is inappropriate (at least as it relates to my obligation to my wife) they are wrong.

The answer to all the scenarios presented is within the relationship not in the court of public opinion or the immediate circle of friends. As such the poll is a reflection of the "terms" of various relationships rather than a reflection of views as to what the universal "terms" are or ought to be.

I voted none of the above. As you have described the only relevant test of what is appropriate lies within your relationship so my response is entirely a function of the relationship between my husband and I. It is incumbent upon me to regularly "put myself in his shoes" and I feel equally obliged to disregard completely the opinions of others as it relates to the parameters of our relationship.

 

[SweetCupcake]

My vote puts me in the majority here. I see that it very much depends on the type of relationship one is in and the personality of the SO. There is clearly no right answer or one to fit all. Thought-provoking.