Which Came First?

[dr_mabeuse]

Hello all, I'm Dr. M. and I'm on the boards a lot, but mostly in the writing part. More and more I'm drawn to this board though. My interests are definitely D/s and are getting to the point where I could benefit from your experience.

What I'd like to know now is about how your D/s relationship started. Were you and your partner attracted first by an interest in D/s which then became a complete relationship, or were you in a romantic relationship first and then got involved in iD/s? Or both, or neither?

In other words, which came first: The relationship or the D/s?


---dr.M.

 

[Quint]

For me, totally the D/s. We had been friends and started chatting via IM; the whole thing started, actually, because a friend challenged him to randomly IM one of his friends and tell her exactly what he wanted to do to her. I volunteered.

It was pure D/s sex talk. The relationship started a month later.

 

[Shadowsdream]

The D/s came first...now 4 years later it is still fueled by the D/s with the addition of a beautiful and strong relationship.

 

[bunny bondage]

i went into the relationship seeking D/s and happened to find it in abundance! so i guess the one is dependant on the other...

 

[FungiUg]

[...]which came first: The relationship or the D/s?

In my case, the relationship. My first D/s experience was with another woman. I'd talked it over with my lover, and she knew how important it was to me. Since then I have been introducing my lover to D/s play. Since we're both dominant, and neither of us can be seriously submissive, our D/s play tends to be as a threesome with a submissive.

I imagine you are going to get a mix of answers, since it's often just as people stumble across it. It's always intrigued me how people get into this, and every person I've talked to is different.

 

[Pixie Mischief]

Friendship/flirting first.

I wouldnt even be sure that our relationship is D/s.
if you asked him hed say no.
but I can tell you our relationship shares ALOT of simularies.
hm I would say BOTH.
becuase its just the way he is.
So it would make sense that it was with the begining of the relationship.
if its in his nature.
Hes not like most people LOL
hes a rare person.

 

[Mystery Lover]

Master and I had been in a relationship for about year and half before it became D/s. I don't believe Master thought I would be very receptive to a D/s relationship.... He was wrong

 

[Justina123]

D/s came first and remains the glue

We met at a "munch". But I remember a conversation towards the beginning of our relationship where we talked about the importance of having more in common than just bdsm if our relationship were to be long term.

Funny thing is, we don't really have any interests "in common"...but we both enjoy learning about the others' hobbies and interests and. for the most part, just watching each other pursue our different passions. For example: He goes fishing, I watch or occasionally tag along and listen to hours of fishing talk. Or I garden and he relaxes in a lawn chair and watches. Etc. etc. !! And in general, we just hang out together as much as possible.

But we do something "seriously" d/s at least a couple of times a month...like spend an evening at a play party, public dungeon, etc.

All that to say, the d/s came first.

- justina

 

[AvaAdore]

our relationship isnt really D/s, it's more just experimentation with D/s and finding out what we like and exploring it. romantically, it's a fairly serious relationship.

 

[Arden]

For us, a friendship and strong attraction came first. When I first met him nine months ago, I wasn't aware that he was a Master with more than a decade of D/s life experience under his belt. *grins*I listened, and learned about his lifestyle as our relationship developed into something beautiful.

In our case, the relationship is more important than D/s. We are allowing our D/s involvement to evolve naturally over time, rather than pushing too hard, too fast. This works well for us, especially since we have a long distance relationship at this point.

I think you will find that D/s relationships are as unique as the individuals involved within them.

 

[Rantalith]

As for myself the first one was all relationship. However most of the others than I have had were D/s first. I do not know if that is because of the circle of friends that I am in, or if I just find myself with a good sub being atracted to me most of the time.

Just my opinion

 

[Ebonyfire]

All of my D/s relatiohships start with D/s.

I do not "date" my subs.

 

[lark sparrow]

D/s first. When we met it was clear that were we to have a relationship it would be one encompassed by D/s.

 

[rosco rathbone]

All honeys are pre screened for psychosexual alignment.

 

[rosco rathbone]

All of my D/s relatiohships start with D/s.

I do not "date" my subs.

Forgive me if this is too prying, but you've said this often and I am interested to know: (A) do you date men? and (B) if so, are they perverse men? Are they psychosexually normal? Do they know about your activities?

 

[zanna]

Marriage came first. We have been together for 11 years.

i became interested in the D/s, BDSM, etc., about 4 years ago. Rough sex was just an occassional thing. Then i found the internet...and discovered there was a whole world out there for what it is i enjoyed and felt ashamed of for so long. i started reading...a lot and learned a lot about myself, including that my interest in submission went way beyond just in the bedroom. His interest was minimal...still only taking place every now and then in the bedroom. i started printing out things from the internet that i thought were interesting (on D/s relationships) and that might interest Him, just leaving them out where He would find them so there was no pressure on Him to have to read it or to have to discuss it. We went from there...

...and now are here. That was about 2 years ago. So, the relationship came first...and the D/s later.

zanna

 

[Pixie Mischief]

the internet is a amazing thing

 

[Ebonyfire]

Forgive me if this is too prying, but you've said this often and I am interested to know: (A) do you date men? and (B) if so, are they perverse men? Are they psychosexually normal? Do they know about your activities?

I am a hetero Domme who has a vanilla SO whom I like quite a bit. he is very kinky. He is also not jealous, and neither am I. He is free to pursue other interests too. My SO knows I am a Domme. And he finds it interesting.

 

[Netzach]

Concurrent.

We met at a munch.

But when we talked the first night, and kept talking for hours, the subject of what we were into in terms of SM didn't even come up.

I have to do kink in my relationships. I'm flexible on the specifics though, very much so. We are really compatible as mates, so much so that we're going to get married. I enjoy M's company, his presence and his personality in every way, I see him as a fit partner and companion and sharer of my house.

Sexually, we're pretty well mactched. This has as much to do with both sharing bisexual and non-monogamous orientations as much as it does with SM. What SM/D/s interests we *don't* share are taken up by the bi poly part (we can get these needs met by other people) M is a good masochist to my sadist, though he likes small tweaky bondage CBT piercing electro pain and I like corporal. (We do more corporal, but I'm open to the others to indulge him and reward him) I love humiliation, M can't abide it. That's the only serious rift, and it certainly is a compromise I can live with, just like he's learning to tolerate the cane. Humiliation can even be introduced in certain contexts that make it more ok, I have a good deal of respect for the safeword when I hear it, and I manage to introduce more and more of the humiliation play I like, only repackaging it some.

SM and D/s happen for us, they just happen in ways that are so ingrained we have to think a lot about them to pinpoint them. I don't think "wow that was so Ds of us" if I tell M to turn the car around and we go buy farmers market veggies instead of eating fast food. (What I want to do versus what he wants) It's just a given.

 

[Richard49]

Almost all of my relationships have started nilla and I have turned the women out

 

[FungiUg]

Almost all of my relationships have started nilla and I have turned the women out

Hmm... Richard, the lathe is really not the right place for women! Trust me on that one.

 

[Pure]

Hi Dr. M.,

you said,


What I'd like to know now is about how your D/s relationship started. Were you and your partner attracted first by an interest in D/s which then became a complete relationship, or were you in a romantic relationship first and then got involved in iD/s? Or both, or neither?

In other words, which came first: The relationship or the D/s?

I see the question is being taken a number of ways and is open to several interpretations. Hence I find most answers quite surprising.

1)If you are currently in a DS relationship, did it start that way? (i.e., kinky from the get go).

Most say 'no.'

I took the meaning to be more psychosexual history:

2) a) Did you discover your kinky leanings in a "relationship" or prior to one? [ When was that discovery? ] OR b) Looking at your first kinky relationship (not necessarily the present one), do your kinky impulses/acts predate that relationship.

For me, a) prior. b) predate.

I'm not sure if you're interested in 2), but my impression is that, aside from the ones here who claim to have been corrupted by the internet (Hello, all!) most S's, M's, D's S's etc. have long histories of those impulses, fantasies, 'play' enactments (often with partners who don't realize the kink).

It's worth stating that the SM components and the DS components may have separate dev't, and of course one may develop long before the other. In some cases only the first pair or only the second, exist.

The first relationships tend to be 'vanilla' (straight, 'normal', no SM no DS), then one or both of two things happen: 1*) Kink is brought into the relationship, often without the partner's having previously realized that issue; 2*) Kink is sought outside the relationship, as 'supplement'. It then becomes an open issue whether the supplementation will persist, or whether the person will attempt to leave 'vanilla' and find 'the whole ball of wax.' (Kinky, all involving, primary sexual relationship).

So, Dr., I'd hope you get clear on what your asking. Some of the answers are unclear as to whether they address 2), except for a couple like LS. You need also to get clear about SM (if that's of interest).

J.

 

[catalina_francisco]

After years of relationships that ranged from disastrous to relatively happy but the essential something missing to make me blissful, I made a conscious decision to find a lifetime Master who was the one for me both vanilla and D/s. Suffered many lectures from friends telling me how impossible my quest was but it never dissuaded me. As far as I was concerned I was happier on my own than in an unhappy relationship that failed to satisfy me and keep me occupied in all ways, so if my search proved unsuccessful so be it, at least I would have some pleasant memories to look back on from my journey.

Fortunately, after meeting many wonderful D's, but all missing some essential element I needed, especially that love feeling, I met my Master/husband. From the moment he first emailed me he was a constant in my thoughts for no obvious reason, just pure instinct. I fought it because of the distance between us geographically, but in the end it just was inevitable. On meeting nothing changed about how we felt and within 2 weeks we were married. It has been almost a year now and each day we discover more reasons we love each other, and give thanks we have been given the gift of each other.

catalina

 

[zipman]

The relationship came first, and is by far the most important thing to me. She had never even been involved in any BDSM before she met.

Now I am not only proud to be engaged to her, but I am also proud of her submissiveness.

 

[Desdemona]

Our relationship evolved.

We were casual friends. Then we agreed upon a sexual relationship as kinky fuckbuddies. The D/s element of our relationship was introduced rapidly. And now, we have a relationship that connects on many levels. We enjoy spending time together and have similar interests. He makes me laugh with joy. He has my heart and I'm proud to belong to Him.