Where's The Love?

[Agincourt]

Hello All! I quite new to the BDSM lifestyle, in fact I'm just gathering my research together so to speak. From the time i was quite young I've been interested I think and I can defiantly see the Submissive tendencies in me, at least when it comes to sexuality. As I've been reading through information, scenarios and posts on this forum I've learned quite a bit. However I am curious about one thing in particular.

How do you and your partner show affection? I am well aware that to some feeling or giving: pain, submission, dominance ext is showing affection. However what happens after a session. I guess all in all I'm wondering if its ok to still "want to be held" at the end of the day.

Thanks for reading its a pleasure to be here!

 

[FurryFury]

Of course it's okay to want to be held. In fact, there is very little that wouldn't be okay if both parties were into it. In many BDSM relationships the rest of the relationship other than the scenes are pretty day to day normal in fact from what I've seen and read.

Fury

 

[ABX]

If you both want something, it's ok. It's as simple as that - if you want to hold each other, do it. Just because you've been doing some pretty kinky stuff doesn't mean you CAN'T have a good old fashioned cuddle - why should it?

 

[Agincourt]

If you both want something, it's ok. It's as simple as that - if you want to hold each other, do it. Just because you've been doing some pretty kinky stuff doesn't mean you CAN'T have a good old fashioned cuddle - why should it?

Ha, I guess from what I've seen most Doms dont seem the cuddly type, and there is not much of a "tender" side to them, so I assume that cuddling is not an option for most.

 

[CutieMouse]

I wouldn't get involved with someone who didn't want a fulfilling, loving, intimate relationship, in addition to the D/s dynamic... personally, I don't see the point, otherwise.

 

[Agincourt]

Of course it's okay to want to be held. In fact, there is very little that wouldn't be okay if both parties were into it. In many BDSM relationships the rest of the relationship other than the scenes are pretty day to day normal in fact from what I've seen and read.

Fury

Thanks for your reply!

Have you found that both parties are often "into it?" Its nice to know that for the most part relationships day to day are pretty normal. Ha, though normal is a relative term.

 

[angel_girl]

Ha, I guess from what I've seen most Doms dont seem the cuddly type, and there is not much of a "tender" side to them, so I assume that cuddling is not an option for most.

It really does seem that way, doesn't it? I would like to believe that the coin has two sides (tough and tender) but I've not seen/read much to support that theory (or wishful thinking).

:headachy sigh:

 

[FurryFury]

It really does seem that way, doesn't it? I would like to believe that the coin has two sides (tough and tender) but I've not seen/read much to support that theory (or wishful thinking).

:headachy sigh:

Any Dom/me I've talked to, known or read much of what they or their submissive had to say has that other side. However this is a side not often written about in fiction. Don't be mislead by the fiction stories that tend to focus on only one side.

Fury

 

[Agincourt]

Any Dom/me I've talked to, known or read much of what they or their submissive had to say has that other side. However this is a side not often written about in fiction. Don't be mislead by the fiction stories that tend to focus on only one side.

Fury

Its a pitty its not written about more in fiction or in conversation. I think it would be a good thing if it was. I read a couple of stories that showed the heart rather than just the lust in the lifestyle and it served to turn me on the all the other more graphic stories combined. I guess I'm curoious how it plays out in real life... any examples?

 

[FurryFury]

Its a pitty its not written about more in fiction or in conversation. I think it would be a good thing if it was. I read a couple of stories that showed the heart rather than just the lust in the lifestyle and it served to turn me on the all the other more graphic stories combined. I guess I'm curoious how it plays out in real life... any examples?

There has been plenty of talk about this on the BDSM boards here.

Try this link to other threads that may include relevant matters:

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?threadid=302511

Fury

 

[Agincourt]

Thanks for the link FurryFury... I'll have a look round. I love the idea that there is a BDSM Library. I work in a library so its always a nice resource. lol

 

[gargouille]

me: "My name is gargouille, and I'm a snuggly Domme."

Snuggly Dom/mes Anonymous: "We love you, gargouille!"

Okay, joking aside.

I've noticed that in the straight/het bdsm crowds, aside from the Daddy Doms (or Mommy Dommy's, which are relatively rare) it's hard to see the softer side. The gay/trans bdsm groups seem to be more open to that dynamic. Maybe it's because the Daddy/boi or Daddy/girl dynamic is more prevalent or something. Most of us do have a snuggly side. Sometimes my sub comes to me and asks me to beat her or flog her or whatever. And I usually do. But she also comes to me when she has a bad day, or needs help. It's not all hot kinky sex. On the most basic level, we're two people (or more, if you're poly) connecting emotionally.

 

[FurryFury]

Thanks for the link FurryFury... I'll have a look round. I love the idea that there is a BDSM Library. I work in a library so its always a nice resource. lol

I often work in libraries too! It is a LOT of help IMO and I love researching things.

Fury

 

[FurryFury]

me: "My name is gargouille, and I'm a snuggly Domme."

Snuggly Dom/mes Anonymous: "We love you, gargouille!"

Okay, joking aside.

I've noticed that in the straight/het bdsm crowds, aside from the Daddy Doms (or Mommy Dommy's, which are relatively rare) it's hard to see the softer side. The gay/trans bdsm groups seem to be more open to that dynamic. Maybe it's because the Daddy/boi or Daddy/girl dynamic is more prevalent or something. Most of us do have a snuggly side. Sometimes my sub comes to me and asks me to beat her or flog her or whatever. And I usually do. But she also comes to me when she has a bad day, or needs help. It's not all hot kinky sex. On the most basic level, we're two people (or more, if you're poly) connecting emotionally.

Cute!

Also true on the second part. I think most of us would rather focus on the HOT parts but maybe that's just me? *blushes*

There used to be threads on here, I can't find them right now but they were about what percentage of the time D/s couples actually engage in BDSM and how they live their lives day to day as a couple. There were probably more than that but I remember those two specifically.

Fury

 

[Evil_Geoff]

How to you and your partner show affection?

I brush her hair.
I tell her I love her and that she means the world to me.
I hug her
I kiss her lips, her forehead, her ears, her hands, her neck, her tummy, her...
I swat her playfully on the behind.
I chase her through the house, making motorboat noises with my lips like I'm trying to giver her a zerbert.
I go to family functions with her.
I go to HER family's functions with her.
We go shopping together.
We lie in bed at night and I reach over and touch her.
We watch TV together, my head in her lap, or hers in mine.
I put my arm around her at the movies.
I hold her hand and make happy dance moves in the parking lot as we walk into Wal-Mart.
I call her on the phone and leave sappy "I was just thinking about you." messages if she doesn't answer right away.
I let her whine and bitch and moan at the end of a rough day without telling her: "Shut up! I don't want to hear about that crap."
I laugh at her lame jokes.
I give her plenty of time to pal around with her girlfriends.
I ask her for her thoughts and feelings on many things before making a decision.

*grins and shrugs* I do what I do. I value my slave above all other possessions. I take good care of her physically, spiritually, and emotionally, so she can take good care of me.

 

[FurryFury]

I brush her hair.
I tell her I love her and that she means the world to me.
I hug her
I kiss her lips, her forehead, her ears, her hands, her neck, her tummy, her...
I swat her playfully on the behind.
I chase her through the house, making motorboat noises with my lips like I'm trying to giver her a zerbert.
I go to family functions with her.
I go to HER family's functions with her.
We go shopping together.
We lie in bed at night and I reach over and touch her.
We watch TV together, my head in her lap, or hers in mine.
I put my arm around her at the movies.
I hold her hand and make happy dance moves in the parking lot as we walk into Wal-Mart.
I call her on the phone and leave sappy "I was just thinking about you." messages if she doesn't answer right away.
I let her whine and bitch and moan at the end of a rough day without telling her: "Shut up! I don't want to hear about that crap."
I laugh at her lame jokes.
I give her plenty of time to pal around with her girlfriends.
I ask her for her thoughts and feelings on many things before making a decision.

*grins and shrugs* I do what I do. I value my slave above all other possessions. I take good care of her physically, spiritually, and emotionally, so she can take good care of me.

Aww!

*sighs*

Fury

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Aww!

*sighs*

Fury

*weg*
Yeah.... a pity I'm taken, I know!
{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}

 

[FurryFury]

*weg*
Yeah.... a pity I'm taken, I know!
{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}

*smiles and nods*

Fury

 

[gluttonne]

if i am close enough to someone to get kinky, i am close enough to not only make a serious emotional investment but to be honest with her. i will, from time to time, even in the middle of really roiughing up my partner, stop, give her a gentle kiss, and tell her that i love her, or that she is beautiful, or something else that is complimentary or maybe a little sappy. but just a little. as far as being generally affectionate, kind and considerate, that comes quite naturally to me and anyone i connect with and develops with the love and trust that drives us to want to do everything we can to take care of eachother's needs in every way possible.

being intuitively dominant, that means that i have certain desires and even needs that being submissive to my partners would not serve. i would not act upon any of my partners in a way that i would not trust them to do to me if we decided that it worked for us. some of the heavier, "scarier" or otherwise *not* for the amateur or uncommitted couple/group/whatever involves trusting my pyl to be both considerate and skilled in her actions, and she must trust me to be quite the same without fail day in and day out.

out of the bedroom, my partners have pretty much always been strong and dominant women in most aspects of their daily lives, often comparably dominant as to my own regular life capacities, and the same woman that will put her health and well-being in my hands in bed knows damn well that i will be responsible with that privilege and i make certain that she is capable of and serious about doing the same for me.

in short, the love is every bit as important as the sexual gratification, the sexual compatibility and general chemistry/attraction being just parts (though important ones!) of a powerful, loving, and preferably extremely committed relationship. when i am in a relationship in which my lover and i are mutually serious about taking care of eachother's needs and ONLY ourselves taking care of said needs, the little things that we only share with or entrust ourselves with make it so much easier to break down those walls and boundaries and really go where we could not possibly go with others, be it involving physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual ways. i would not have it any other way. there has been more love in relationships where the chemistry leads my girl at the time and myself to experiment sexually a great deal than in relationships where that it is not happening. the exploration of kink is both partially cause and partially effect of an extremely fulfilling relationship.

 

[gluttonne]

I brush her hair...I take good care of her physically, spiritually, and emotionally, so she can take good care of me.

this is almost exactly how i am with a girl who serves me in this way, depending on whatever makes her feel safe, loved, wanted, and appreciated. your description is very close to how it usually works for me.

 

[ABX]

Personally I always end up cuddling with my girl... aside from anything else, the D/s streak in our relationship - though surprisingly strong - is a relatively recent development. She's an amazingly devoted and willing sub, but well before I realised that, she was an amazingly affectionate and loving girlfriend.

Perhaps for most Doms, cuddling isn't something they'd go for - but who cares? I go for it.

 

[Agincourt]

I brush her hair.
I tell her I love her and that she means the world to me.
I hug her
I kiss her lips, her forehead, her ears, her hands, her neck, her tummy, her...
I swat her playfully on the behind.
I chase her through the house, making motorboat noises with my lips like I'm trying to giver her a zerbert.
I go to family functions with her.
I go to HER family's functions with her.
We go shopping together.
We lie in bed at night and I reach over and touch her.
We watch TV together, my head in her lap, or hers in mine.
I put my arm around her at the movies.
I hold her hand and make happy dance moves in the parking lot as we walk into Wal-Mart.
I call her on the phone and leave sappy "I was just thinking about you." messages if she doesn't answer right away.
I let her whine and bitch and moan at the end of a rough day without telling her: "Shut up! I don't want to hear about that crap."
I laugh at her lame jokes.
I give her plenty of time to pal around with her girlfriends.
I ask her for her thoughts and feelings on many things before making a decision.

*grins and shrugs* I do what I do. I value my slave above all other possessions. I take good care of her physically, spiritually, and emotionally, so she can take good care of me.

Wow! Thanks for sharing... aww its really sweet, and I'm glad to hear it.

 

[Agincourt]

if i am close enough to someone to get kinky, i am close enough to not only make a serious emotional investment but to be honest with her. i will, from time to time, even in the middle of really roiughing up my partner, stop, give her a gentle kiss, and tell her that i love her, or that she is beautiful, or something else that is complimentary or maybe a little sappy. but just a little. as far as being generally affectionate, kind and considerate, that comes quite naturally to me and anyone i connect with and develops with the love and trust that drives us to want to do everything we can to take care of eachother's needs in every way possible.

I think in every way that is how it should be. Thanks

 

[Agincourt]

I often work in libraries too! It is a LOT of help IMO and I love researching things.

Fury

Its good to know theres another who likes to research to the full extent things before she does them.

 

[SpectreT]

The hidden and ugly truth.

We BDSMers are romantics, the lot of us. Sure, it can look like the Addams Family to some people, but in a relationship with someone, there should always be affection and love, first and foremost, and trust and honesty, else the nasty, thrashy side of this coin makes no farkin' sense. Geoff nailed it, for me, as did gluttonne. They win the infamous "Me, Too" award from The Spectre today. gargouille gets a piece of it, too.