Where is the mind of a submissive?

[wayfarm]

Male mid 30s with girlfriend of same age.

She seeks more physical/dominate play.

I have been reading the stories and checking on the threads, but I feel like I'm missing something.

She enjoys when I make her say sultry sexy things.

"Tell me you are cum sucking whore"

"you'll fuck who I tell you to..."

She has commented that she likes being forced to say these things. Usually I get this by denying her gratification, or starting intercourse then stopping.

She is quite into being spanked. So much so that my own hand will feel a akward satisfaction that her own ass reflects.

I knew things were at another level after this happened.

I had bought a new shirt which she liked the smell of. During a play session, I put it to her face, and she gave me a scared/playful look. I smoothered her a bit to which she started begging to be fucked.

I decided to tie her up with the shirt. I put her arms behind her back. She actually asked for it to be tighter. So, let me tell you, I tied it UP! Our play lasted about 30 minutes, but her wrists looked positevly BENT. This was something she actually enjoyed.

Since she is in a Physchology type of employment, I'm really trying to better understand where the mind of a sub is on these things.

Any thoughts?

 

[wayfarm]

Well, I'm closing for the night, and so am hoping that those that read this board take my question seriously.

Best to you.

 

[graceanne]

To tell the truth I'm not sure what you want to know. It looks to me more like a post where you talk about the things you do with her, not a question.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

... I'm really trying to better understand where the mind of a sub is on these things.

Any thoughts?

Where are the thoughts of any person on these things? Their thoughts could be anywhere. From "OMG, that's hot." to "OMG, that's seriously twisted" to "OMG, that's totally boring".

submissives are as individual and unique as snowflakes. They do not necessarily share common thoughts and feelings regarding any and all situations. You do not need to understand where the mind of other submissives may be on these things, you need to understand where the mind of YOUR submissive is.

The best way to do that is to talk things through with her.

 

[graceanne]

Where are the thoughts of any person on these things? Their thoughts could be anywhere. From "OMG, that's hot." to "OMG, that's seriously twisted" to "OMG, that's totally boring".

submissives are as individual and unique as snowflakes. They do not necessarily share common thoughts and feelings regarding any and all situations. You do not need to understand where the mind of other submissives may be on these things, you need to understand where the mind of YOUR submissive is.

The best way to do that is to talk things through with her.

I have to say that when K and I are . . . having fun . . . I'm not thinking a damn thing.

 

[SephStarr]

Yes-it's possible to get to a point where you're not thinking anything at all! The last scene I did I ended shaking like a leaf...

 

[Trajal]

I'd say she likes to be humiliated and forced - pretty normal in a sub to be blunt.

Find new and fun ways to do it though. See how much she gets a thrill out of being punished in public, or somewhere that you might (but probably won't, but risk remains) get caught.

Maybe buy some soft ropes and surprise her one night. No need for complicated rope work (sod that ridiculous japanese crap which takes hours). Loads of things to explore together, tons of stuff for ideas in all the stories here, but there's a few suggestions.

 

[Blushing Bottom]

Yeah that's me a snowflake.

now can we get on with the spankings?

submissives are as individual and unique as snowflakes.

 

[museofdragon]

Since she is in a Physchology type of employment, I'm really trying to better understand where the mind of a sub is on these things.

Any thoughts?

Where is YOUR mind when you are doing something that makes you hot?

 

[WM1966]

These are My Opinions Only

1. She may like to "feel safe" , by being with a "strong" partner

2. She may have an urge to be "slutty" , but being "forced" is an "out" for her (he made me kinda thing)

But if you both like it , it seems perfect to Me.

 

[CutieMouse]

EG covered it best- what goes through a submissive's mind depends on the submissive.

Having said that, there are some people who enjoy submitting, because handing someone else control gives the person *permission* to relax and enjoy things that they aren't "supposed to".Ya know- that whole Madonna/whore thing. Maybe being forced to say certain things, gives her a free and safe sapce to admit how much she loves sex. Similar thing for the bondage- if she's tied up, she *has* to do XYZ, because she can't avoid it.

Please do consider reading up on the basics of bondage if she enjoys being tied up- I read your comment about her wrists looking bent, and the RSI sufferer in me went "OOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!" LOL Just because she *likes* it, doesn't mean it's safe.

 

[BiBunny]

I have to say that when K and I are . . . having fun . . . I'm not thinking a damn thing.

Same here.

Case in point: Last night was so awesome that I think my brain circuits were temporarily fried. It took me nearly an hour to stop trembling and mumbling incoherently. Shortly after I was able to speak complete sentences, I sort of dropped into a coma for the next 10 hours. He's been making fun of me this morning, though, saying that during my periods of incoherence, I sounded like Beaker from the Muppets, and when I finally was able to talk again, I sounded like Speedy Gonzalez. Asshole.

 

[FurryFury]

I'm rarely if ever NOT thinking. I ache for that cessation and peace.

When I'm submissive, I feel freed. I can enjoy what I do or just endure, whichever, (ok, mostly enjoy) but I am NOT in charge for a blessed change. Ahhhhhhh!

Fury

 

[wayfarm]

To tell the truth I'm not sure what you want to know. It looks to me more like a post where you talk about the things you do with her, not a question.

Graceanne;

Much thanks for the reply. I put in the situation, not as a boast, but rather, to define what was happening.

I really do want to know what is going through her head.

Her work life is ceribeal? (sp?) She counsels people for a living. she has to get in people's heads....

Me, I want to know where her head is at, but maybe by knowing where I am, it will put things in perspective.

 

[wayfarm]

These are My Opinions Only

1. She may like to "feel safe" , by being with a "strong" partner

2. She may have an urge to be "slutty" , but being "forced" is an "out" for her (he made me kinda thing)

But if you both like it , it seems perfect to Me.

This makes COMPLETE sense to me. Her past lovers have been the silent, lets do type. I'm like her in that I'm a communicator.

She really does like the aspect of me telling her dirty things and scenarios. Forcing her to repeat them to me. Eventually she gets to a place where as she says these things, she is telling me that she would only do it for me.

This is SOOOOO not the reality. I know that she herself would like the pleasure of the anonymous lover.

 

[wayfarm]

EG covered it best- what goes through a submissive's mind depends on the submissive.

Having said that, there are some people who enjoy submitting, because handing someone else control gives the person *permission* to relax and enjoy things that they aren't "supposed to".Ya know- that whole Madonna/whore thing. Maybe being forced to say certain things, gives her a free and safe sapce to admit how much she loves sex. Similar thing for the bondage- if she's tied up, she *has* to do XYZ, because she can't avoid it.

Please do consider reading up on the basics of bondage if she enjoys being tied up- I read your comment about her wrists looking bent, and the RSI sufferer in me went "OOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!" LOL Just because she *likes* it, doesn't mean it's safe.

Yestarday I spent FAR too much time reading posts. I got alot out of an aritlce on some site I found in here. Bondage.alt something or other. Great article, with lots of fun ideas.

Yes, I definetly need to be the thinker in these situations. Here is what happened last night.

We were sooo tired. We both had long days, and were pretty much spent. Somehow being in bed, and being over run from the day got us to light touching and kissing. Loving the smell of her, and the way she reacts I started to put my hands on her. In some ways, lightly and strongly in others.

I had read about Rim jobs on here. While I have gotten a couple in the past, I started telling her about how I would give one to her. This really got her worked up. While I feel that I can read her body language, it is her wetness that TRULY gives up where she is at. After talking about running through it mentaly, she was full tilt aroused feline.

I had my hand on her neck caressing it, and she gave me a "fuck you fucker" for stopping the anal talk. This is where I start getting uncomfortable. She goes into these modes where she makes me work to touch her. Saying no, or giving off the image that she doesn't want to be touched. In past scenarious she says she does this because she wants it to feel forced. I guess this is a variation of some sort on the rape fantasy, which she has, but I have declined to play in the rape role. We do however both enjoy a tussle and some wrestling.

While she is a petite girl, she often suprises me with how quickly she can react and wrestle. Since I had my hand on her neck, I mildly tightened my grip. Now, I'm scared to death, by my own reaction to controling her, by some guilty darkness that I feel, by something I'm only beginning to scratch because I'm with her. (had a past 10 year crappy sex marriage previously)

Her facial expressions went to this intense-anger, "I'm not scared of you" type look. This is where I no longer feel a dark little pleasure, and more of a, get me the hell outta this situation type flee. My hand was in no way clamped or restraining her breathing, but fully around her neck. When I went to move my hand away she followed my hand, and wanted to stay restrained. So now I'm thinking shit. So not liking this. My erection is now gone, I'm worried about where this will lead....

Shortly after, we did quit. We held each other and started to talk about it. largely, she said she wanted to see if she could take it. When I asked her about it in more specific terms her responses were about her not wanting to quit first. Once she sensed that I was out of the game, she wanted to show that she had a higher threshold than me.

We talked about it again this a.m. We agreed that any part of choking wouldn't be a part of anymore play. I think it was me telling her that this little act made my skin crawl.

So, now I know that I need to excercise caution and NOT play along when I'm uncomfortable. What is weird is that her uncomfort changes into her proving that she can take it. Ala, the shirt I tied her hands with over the weekend.

I guess the thinker in me wants to know what this all means, and yet, minus the throat play, I do enjoy spanking her, and her being restrained.

I can assure you that our play will not become daily fodder for this board. Only that having found this board, I have some questions, and certainly some learning to do.

Trajal;

I think the humiliation/public exposure is a place she wants to go. She likes being shown off, and for a time we were putting up some pics.

 

[CutieMouse]

Yestarday I spent FAR too much time reading posts. I got alot out of an aritlce on some site I found in here. Bondage.alt something or other. Great article, with lots of fun ideas.

Yes, I definetly need to be the thinker in these situations. Here is what happened last night.

We talked about it again this a.m. We agreed that any part of choking wouldn't be a part of anymore play. I think it was me telling her that this little act made my skin crawl.

So, now I know that I need to excercise caution and NOT play along when I'm uncomfortable. What is weird is that her uncomfort changes into her proving that she can take it. Ala, the shirt I tied her hands with over the weekend.

I guess the thinker in me wants to know what this all means, and yet, minus the throat play, I do enjoy spanking her, and her being restrained.

I can assure you that our play will not become daily fodder for this board. Only that having found this board, I have some questions, and certainly some learning to do.

Trajal;

I think the humiliation/public exposure is a place she wants to go. She likes being shown off, and for a time we were putting up some pics.

I skimmed past the "what we did last night" stuff, because I view that as being a private act, but a few thoughts popped up with regards to the rest of your post.

Y'all might benifit from going over a BDSM checklist together, to help facilitate what you each want to get out of a BDSM relationship. A safeword might be a good idea, as well- both parties have a right to call it quits if a situation goes past their personal comfort level.

Also- as much as the boards can give you general concepts of what is in either party's mind (dominant or submissive), it is no substitute for honest communication between the two of you. "I think... [this is where she wants to go]" , isn't the same as "I know... [this is where she wants to go]". Both of you need to be mature enough to actually admit the dark stuff, and accepting enough to not judge each other beyond identifying things you aren't comfortable participating in.

 

[wayfarm]

I skimmed past the "what we did last night" stuff, because I view that as being a private act, but a few thoughts popped up with regards to the rest of your post.

Y'all might benifit from going over a BDSM checklist together, to help facilitate what you each want to get out of a BDSM relationship. A safeword might be a good idea, as well- both parties have a right to call it quits if a situation goes past their personal comfort level.

Also- as much as the boards can give you general concepts of what is in either party's mind (dominant or submissive), it is no substitute for honest communication between the two of you. "I think... [this is where she wants to go]" , isn't the same as "I know... [this is where she wants to go]". Both of you need to be mature enough to actually admit the dark stuff, and accepting enough to not judge each other beyond identifying things you aren't comfortable participating in.

I'll go looking for the checklist. That would be a good place to start. We do have a safeword for her, but I need to understand that I can use it to.

Good point about the admittance. There are things I like. Things I haven't mentioned and at some point will. Well get there. I do feel the exhiliration of some play we have had, and the no won't being doing that again.

Best,

Way

 

[graceanne]

Ok, here's my suggestions. I agree with cutie that you should do a checklist - that way you know if you're pushing a button that's uncomfortable with her, and she'll know if she's pushing a button that's uncomfortable with her.

I also thought that a 'safeword' would help you more than her. It seems she knows that you'll stop if she gets scared, and you're paying very good attention to her body language. But you would feel safer if she had a safe word to yell.

Would you have felt as uncomfortable with your hands around her neck if you'd known she could yell 'red' (for instance) if she couldn't breathe or was too scared?

 

[wayfarm]

Ok, here's my suggestions. I agree with cutie that you should do a checklist - that way you know if you're pushing a button that's uncomfortable with her, and she'll know if she's pushing a button that's uncomfortable with her.

I also thought that a 'safeword' would help you more than her. It seems she knows that you'll stop if she gets scared, and you're paying very good attention to her body language. But you would feel safer if she had a safe word to yell.

Would you have felt as uncomfortable with your hands around her neck if you'd known she could yell 'red' (for instance) if she couldn't breathe or was too scared?[/QUOTE]

The reason I get uncomfortable is that she pushes to be farther out on the ledge than me. We do have a safeword. She just doesn't use it. The whole time, I was very aware of insuring she could breathe and talk.
I'm doing the search for BDSM checklist. Lots of threads came up. Going to the sticky up top.

I'm excited by some of the threads, but finding out where I am in this mix.

Please do understand. We have a great sex life outside of the times that we are playing. That is why I feel okay with playing like this.

Again, thanks for all the input. I do appreciate it. Specially as a new person to this group.

Way

 

[FurryFury]

It sounds to me that you are trying these things for her. Would you otherwise be pleased with your relationship and sex life but for the fact she craves this?

Now maybe you find it somewhat exciting as you work at this but you are also uncomfortable. Partly because it's so foreign to you and partly because you don't know exactly how far she might want to go.

Right now it seems she always wants to go farther than you. That would be a bit scary to most. If nothing else just from the stand point of what will she do if I can't or won't go as far as she craves?

A BDSM checklist can help with some of this. You can find a couple of them listed in the library.

Fury

 

[Netzach]

I would definitely be addressing all of these questions to her.

"What's that one-upmanship thing about, babe?"

Additionally, if you're not liking the game, you shouldn't be playing it. If it makes you creeped out, you need to revisit it on YOUR scehdule, not hers, if at all.

But I'd also talk to her about how you feel about that.

Ask clear direct, detailed questions. What's the harm?

 

[wayfarm]

Net and Fur;

Yes, I am into this. I recall seeing the movie 8 mm. This was the movie that covered some aspects of Dom culture. Unfortunately a girl was killed. Yep, big no-no in my book. In any case, I was rooting for the Dom called Machine.

And we are talking. I just have the ill need of TMI. Probably the OCD in me. That now, we are doing some of these things, I want to know what it means, or where it comes from. When we are in the moment, she and I are both far more agreeable to pushing the boundries. Not so much when you are not in the moment.

Where do you all order your books from? I think some reading for the two of us is in order.

Still looking for the DAMN checklist.

Way

 

[FurryFury]

Way,

Look at the BDSM Talk forum. The first thread is a sticky and is the library. TONS of good info is in there including some links to checklists and discussions about them.

I buy my books mostly from Barnes and Noble, BookaMillion and Amazon online.

HTH,

Fury

 

[CutieMouse]

Checklists from the Library thread at the top of the forum.

http://ms.ha.md.us/~tammad/over21/b...-checklist.html
http://smvillage.com/Modules/checklist2/default.asp
http://www.asubmissivesjourney.com/bdsm_checklist.html
http://members.aol.com/MasterNik/BDSMCheckList.html
http://www.domsubfriends.com/library/question1.shtml
http://www.sexuality.org/l/bdsm/checklst.html


Books can be found at Amazon.com, or bought from the publisher at Greenerypress.com. You can check prices through www.fetchbook.info, to find the lowest prices across all online bookselling venues. I buy most of mine at a second hand bookshop that happens to have a decent Sexuality section.

Decent starter/overview books are The New Topping Book, The New Bottoming Book, The Loving Dominant; Screw the Roses is supposed to be excellent (though I've never read it). Some people recommend Consensual Sadomasochism, but I didn't think it was all that fabulous, personally.