Where Does one get the Strength?

[RazeByFire]

I am seeing someone who I feel would benefit from my dominating them . She likes it when I take the lead and knows she makes poor decisions in regards to real life problems. I know I need to talk to her about this, but first I want to get it straight in my head.

Where does a Dom get the strength to Dominate someone else's life? I have trouble with my own. I know I make mistakes. How can I be responsible for someone else? I could do it for a while, but as an everyday thing I would need a break somewhere. Is that true of anyone else?

Maybe I'm not a 'natural' Dom, but I really think she needs to be controlled. My choices seem to be either leaving or finding it within myself to give her the discipline she needs.

I have another issue with this as well. How does one distinguish between pain given for pleasure and pain given as discipline? She likes to be spanked so do I just spank her harder than she likes to discipline her? What are some of the other options to correct bad behavior? I will not slap her in the face but I need some ideas to give her the guidance she needs.

Can anyone help me? Thanks.

 

[catalina_francisco]

First thing is communicating with her about her needs and thoughts on this. Why? Because it is based on consent, not someone deciding another needs to be controlled and setting about doing it without their consent...that usually equates to abuse, or at the least breach of trust.

Catalina

 

[DarkLadyOfDeath]

What kind of strength?.. as a switch I can say I've found denial of something I crave far more of a punishment then physical punishment.. IMO.. physical punishment is not a "positive" form of punishment. Some people can tolerate it.. I will not. Not to give one the idea I'm not into pain.. because I very much am...

( edit here.. If you where to try and deny her such things without discussing what I later state... you could do more damage to the relationship then good.. )

But It sounds like the issues are far more complex then simply I assume some one newer to the entire idea of D/s.

What does she think?.. You think she needs to be controlled... Does she think so too? Does she even want to be?

discuss discuss discuss...... Talk to her.. discuss your concerns. Share your ideas...

captain obviouse here... respect her. Just because she may need help in her life with issues doesn't mean she should be treated as one would a child and make decissions for her.

D/s isn't about "owning someone"... though there are exceptions to the rule and I've seen a couple of very healthy slave/master relationships That I can say I for one am enviouse of But I've seen far more abusive relationships with similar set-ups... the one main distinguishable difference is the respect and genuine affection involved. When things start becomeing "forced" and not consentual That is when you question yourself and your motives.

You also seem to be uncomfortable with something.. either ideas of what you think D/s is about or what someone has told you. or you've read.

Your trying to distingush the difference between Kinky and predetory.

I commend you for following your gut and not just "trying what you've heard"...

Or I could be compleately wrong, But I don't think I am.

Read the posts on the boards.. see if what you want.. and what she wants are meshable.. and if not.. well. I for one have nothing against 'nilla people.. unless they try 'n sleep with me..

 

[AngelicAssassin]

How does one distinguish between pain given for pleasure and pain given as discipline?

How do you define discipline?

She likes to be spanked so do I just spank her harder than she likes to discipline her?

Again, how do you define discipline? If she requires correction, find something she will endure but doesn't like. If she requires punishment, you have a whole different fish to fry.

What are some of the other options to correct bad behavior?

Punishment. Isolation that she will accept. Talking with her will uncover a few more things.

Can anyone help me? Thanks.

Advise, yes. Help, no. The first step in dominance requires an inquiring mind and willingness to do.

 

[shy slave]

How do you define discipline?

Again, how do you define discipline? If she requires correction, find something she will endure but doesn't like. If she requires punishment, you have a whole different fish to fry.Punishment. Isolation that she will accept. Talking with her will uncover a few more things.Advise, yes. Help, no. The first step in dominance requires an inquiring mind and willingness to do.

As usual AA you have few words but used them wisely x

 

[DarkLadyOfDeath]

damnit why does AA always sound so damn smart?

 

[shy slave]

damnit why does AA always sound so damn smart?

I think its a knack like baking the perfect souffle or tying the perfect bondage knots. It doesn't mean he is smart !!

winks and blows kiss to AA

lol

 

[AngelicAssassin]

... its a knack like baking the perfect souffle ...

i only do eggs one way darlin' ... http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2003-8/363868/2cool2.gif

 

[RazeByFire]

You are all correct. I know I need to talk to her and listen to what she thinks. Mostly I am asking just to get my own head straight first. 'Know Thyself' and all that. I'll post more when we are able to talk about it. Thanks.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

I'll post more when we are able to talk about it.

If she gives you any lip, bite them ... hard.

 

[Netzach]

Personally I just made the decision to deserve and accept and acknowledge, but go through with a sense of entitlement rather than wondering "am I worthy" every six seconds. I had enough of that growing up, it was time to decide I am worthy of service, gifts, obedience, and any good thing someone wants to heap on me.

 

[RazeByFire]

Angelic Assassin-
I would, but she likes biting. See the problem here? hehe

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Angelic Assassin-
I would, but she likes biting. See the problem here? hehe

No one i know "likes" the biting i have in mind, and that's where you nail this woman. You start off with the gentle love nibbles and continue to the point she gets restless for more intensity. When she's at the point where she begins to top from the bottom, perhaps attempts to turn the tables and dominate you to get the sensation she seeks, you relent and give her exactly what she wants ... for about five seconds.

What follows that five seconds depends on how much you feel capable of safely dishing out ruthlessly, and once you hit that point of safety in your own mind, count to five past that point. If she's a cuddler, give that to her once her shrieking stops. If not, simply maintain some kind of physical touch with her so she doesn't think you've totally abandoned her. That falls under advanced mind fuck play and you need to know her better before attempting it. When both of you have returned to the land of PC and rational thought, sit down and have another frank discussion with her about what happened and adjust from there.

 

[MDH1251]

Where Does one Get The Strength

One of the first things you are going to have to do once you determine wheather you are Dominant or not is to get your life under control before ever attempting to control anothers life. If your life is not under control how do you expect to control someone else? Work with yourself first, change the things in your life that you can change to better yourself. Study yourself before you make such a drastic decision that affects the both of you.

 

[Liana26]

Personally, isolation would do the trick for me. Because I absolutely despise boredom more than any other emotion.