Where do I fit in? Or BiBunny's Proxy thread

A Desert Rose

Simply Charming Elsewhere
Joined
Aug 16, 2002
Posts
13,997
I don't know where I fit in at all. I'd even start a thread about it if I thought anybody wanted to read my drivel. But, you know, you might want to stop and think where the other person might be before you start that "it's your own insecurities reading too much into it" bullshit.

I'll start a thread about it for you.

I've read posts and received PMs stating exactly this... "I don't know where I fit in, or if I fit in at all, anymore."

It's definately been in the forefront of my mind (between bill paying, laundry and cleaning the toliet). And I'm not making light of that. It has been on my mind.

Everyone wants to be validated and supported in their choices. So I ask the following: How and where do you (rhetorically speaking) feel you would fit in? What do you feel like you need to do in order to fit in? How important is fitting in to you?

What the hell does "fitting in" even mean to you?
 
A Desert Rose said:
How and where do you feel you would fit in? What do you feel like you need to do in order to fit in? How important is fitting in to you?

What the hell does "fitting in" even mean to you?

In order:

I believe I fit in the spot of Top but not Domme (these two terms are mutually exclusive to me). I claim daddy in my everyday life so being a Daddi (my spelling) in BDSM is only an extension of who I really am.

I have no idea how to go about fitting in with the general consensus of who/what I am. I have been trying for years to find someone who understands what it is I see, how I react..but as yet no one has ever really gotten me. (That could be my own fault..see Jades what's wrong with me thread)

Fitting in is fairly important to me. There are people I value here (and in r/l) who don't get me, who aren't sure just what I am. I wish I had the words to really explain it so that those I value would be able to tell me "Hey, you are now officially THIS thing right here."

It's hard enough to be the only person (in a group of other people) who seems to be either not kinked enough or too kinky by popular vote. It makes for a dizzying array of depressingly fucked up thoughts from: Maybe I am just don't belong here ~to~ Maybe I am
too fucked up to really put my opinions out there for others to hear/see.
 
I neither expect nor demand that people slap me on the back and congratulate me for every freaking thing, but I also have no problem taking umbrage when I feel like they're saying things that push me out further into the margin of the margin, not just saying "this is how I do things." I have no problem policing these boundaries, even with people I like.

Maybe ITW is right, and love and argument go hand in hand when you are Jewish.
 
Luna_Wolf72 said:
In order:

I believe I fit in the spot of Top but not Domme (these two terms are mutually exclusive to me). I claim daddy in my everyday life so being a Daddi (my spelling) in BDSM is only an extension of who I really am.

I have no idea how to go about fitting in with the general consensus of who/what I am. I have been trying for years to find someone who understands what it is I see, how I react..but as yet no one has ever really gotten me. (That could be my own fault..see Jades what's wrong with me thread)

Fitting in is fairly important to me. There are people I value here (and in r/l) who don't get me, who aren't sure just what I am. I wish I had the words to really explain it so that those I value would be able to tell me "Hey, you are now officially THIS thing right here."

It's hard enough to be the only person (in a group of other people) who seems to be either not kinked enough or too kinky by popular vote. It makes for a dizzying array of depressingly fucked up thoughts from: Maybe I am just don't belong here ~to~ Maybe I am
too fucked up to really put my opinions out there for others to hear/see.

I think there would be a lot of dittos to your post, especially the part I highlighted. As much as some of us would like to think, we are not anonymous here. Especially if you have more than 100 (or pick any number) posts. People have read you, made assumptions and judgements about you, without knowing anything about the you behind their screens.

For the majority, it's scary to put yourself out there knowing that. I've posted a lot of things about myself but there are things I'd never share with anyone, anonymous posters on a bulletin board or not, because in your words "maybe I am too fucked up".
 
A Desert Rose said:
I think there would be a lot of dittos to your post, especially the part I highlighted. As much as some of us would like to think, we are not anonymous here. Especially if you have more than 100 (or pick any number) posts. People have read you, made assumptions and judgements about you, without knowing anything about the you behind their screens.

For the majority, it's scary to put yourself out there knowing that. I've posted a lot of things about myself but there are things I'd never share with anyone, anonymous posters on a bulletin board or not, because in your words "maybe I am too fucked up".

Exactly. I don't have the words (nor the ability) to express how I really feel, sometimes. Part of that is due to upbringing, other things also play a part. It's hard enough to be on the edge in terms of sexual wants/needs/desires without having some of the very people you respect down you for your life choices. *nods*

That's the main reason I try not to contribute to any *serious* threads. I don't know how to get my point across on the screen or on paper. Those who know me in R/L get what I am saying (mostly) from my tone of voice, or my facial expressions..not my words. My words sometimes come across as snotty or *better than thou* or conversely *less than thou*...none of which is meant or implied when I am thinking about it.
 
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I don't try to fit in. I honestly don't care if people here judge me positively or negatively. I am extremely comfortable in my vanilla marriage with 2 wonderful kids living in semi suburbia and my D/s relationship which even though i call him Daddy isn't really a D/g relationship. Whether someone here apporoves or disapproves isn't going to change anything. I try to get along, I tend to be non-confrontational. People being confrontational or extremely defensive really get on my nerves, but it doesn't bother me once I close the lid to my laptop.

I've learned alot here and made some friends, that's why I'm here.

Edited to add--As far as fitting in to the rest of the world--I don't care too much there either. I keep up necessary appearances and go on with my life. I've always been different, doesn't bother me.
 
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I am hoping that Bunny will post her voice to this thread. I PM'd her, but never heard back.

As I told her in my PM, I don't know her heart or her mind. But I do believe that how she feels is more common than she thinks. (A lot of people aren't as secure in themselves as Netz is. ;-) I admire that in her and doubt that I'll ever be as secure as she is.)

I think there are a lot of people who don't know where to fit and don't know how to go about finding that fit. Many times, I think that results in poor or damaging choices.
 
And then there are assholes like me, who don't *care* whether they fit other people's expectations, descriptions or desires. Those in my life have to make a niche for me as I am. If they can't do that, they end up not in my life. Sorry - that's me. I'm not going to - not able to - change *me* for the sake of someone else's preconceptions.

There are enough people who can do that to keep me reasonably content - but then, I don't need a lot of people in my life, just a few friends who understand that even if I don't always think quite the way they do, my way of thinking is as valid for me as theirs is for them. They don't have to think the way I do about everything - just be able to think for themselves, and allow me the right to think for myself.

I don't argue with people here - or anywhere - about what is right, or fitting, or proper, because to me that has to be determined by each individual and each pairing (or grouping, for the poly folk!). What is right for me is right for me. What is right for you is right for you, and I have no say in the matter. I don't even CARE, as long as you are happy with the way your life is. If you're *not* happy, and seek advice - and usually, only if you *specifically* seek advice from *me* - I'll offer the best advice I can give, based on what I perceive of you and your life, from what I have learned of you from your posts and any other information I have available. It may not be the best advice in the world - according to someone - but it's going to be the best advice *I* can give, under the circumstances.

Me, fit in? Hell, no! To quote my childhood hero: "I yam what I yam, and that's all what I yam!"
 
A Desert Rose said:
I am hoping that Bunny will post her voice to this thread. I PM'd her, but never heard back.

As I told her in my PM, I don't know her heart or her mind. But I do believe that how she feels is more common than she thinks. (A lot of people aren't as secure in themselves as Netz is. ;-) I admire that in her and doubt that I'll ever be as secure as she is.)

I think there are a lot of people who don't know where to fit and don't know how to go about finding that fit. Many times, I think that results in poor or damaging choices.

I'm sure she will. She isn't home at the moment. So I bet she hasn't read your PM yet.
 
ecstaticsub said:
I don't try to fit in. I honestly don't care if people here judge me positively or negatively. I am extremely comfortable in my vanilla marriage with 2 wonderful kids living in semi suburbia and my D/s relationship which even though i call him Daddy isn't really a D/g relationship. Whether someone here apporoves or disapproves isn't going to change anything. I try to get along, I tend to be non-confrontational. People being confrontational or extremely defensive really get on my nerves, but it doesn't bother me once I close the lid to my laptop.

I've learned alot here and made some friends, that's why I'm here.

Edited to add--As far as fitting in to the rest of the world--I don't care too much there either. I keep up necessary appearances and go on with my life. I've always been different, doesn't bother me.


While I'm not in a D/s relationship right now with the exception of my very odd relationship with two guys that shall remain nameless but are very much loved by me, I have to say that I 2nd the motion quoted above by ecstaticsub.

I could give a good rats ass who does or doesn't agree with how I choose to live my life or how I label myself. I don't try to fit in...never have...not even IRL. I'm me and you either accept it or not. Life is too short to care what everyone thinks all the time and by the time you please one person, another ass comes to shoot you down so you might as well concentrate on making number one happy- YOURSELF. If you don't, no one else can or will.

I have two people who's opinions I regard and value highly and I feed off their support, caring and training...anyone else, you either like me or you don't and if you do, we've already established a lasting friendship.
 
ecstaticsub said:
I don't try to fit in. I honestly don't care if people here judge me positively or negatively. I am extremely comfortable in my vanilla marriage with 2 wonderful kids living in semi suburbia and my D/s relationship which even though i call him Daddy isn't really a D/g relationship. Whether someone here apporoves or disapproves isn't going to change anything. I try to get along, I tend to be non-confrontational. People being confrontational or extremely defensive really get on my nerves, but it doesn't bother me once I close the lid to my laptop.

I've learned alot here and made some friends, that's why I'm here.

Edited to add--As far as fitting in to the rest of the world--I don't care too much there either. I keep up necessary appearances and go on with my life. I've always been different, doesn't bother me.
Unfortunately I think that the majority would post with a like opinion. The ones like me or (I'm assuming) Bunny, won't out themselves as being a little unsettled in their lives. For me at least, it shows a vulnerablity that I'd prefer not show.

But I admit to being out of synch and ill-fitted in a lot of ways to the major waves that seem to roll over.
 
I should've started a poll instead. LOL

Like I said, the majority would and have posted (and I'm sure in all sincerity) that they don't care to fit in. They're happy just as they are.

No one (or at least very few) will admit to feeling like I do.
 
A Desert Rose said:
How and where do you (rhetorically speaking) feel you would fit in?

I often feel I don't fit in anywhere (actually most of the time), though if I stop and think there have been a few times in my life where I have fitted very well, but they have been few and far between. I also think fitting in comes on many levels and while one may fit in one way, they may not on another level...it can be confusing at times if you allow it to be.


A Desert Rose said:
What do you feel like you need to do in order to fit in? How important is fitting in to you?

I have given up on trying to understand what I need to do to fit in, and in some instances when I have been told or discovered what it took, have decided it compromised my principles and/or comfort zone too much to oblige. These days I do not have a lot of angst about it....perhaps it is about my coming to a point in my life where I can accept it is who I am and not likely to change....maybe it is more about feeling like I am hitting my head against a brick wall and getting nowhere. I also am not a hugely social person as I simply don't have the energy, so that also makes it easier to not let it concern me too much, though sometimes it gets to me more than others. That being said, I can still get a thrill of happiness when I find a place or someone who makes me feel I fit in even a little...I just no longer actively look for it or believe it is just around the next corner.

A Desert Rose said:
What the hell does "fitting in" even mean to you?

Once again it depends on what level. For the most part I think it is about being accepted AND feeling comfortable, and knowing how to traverse that environment which you are seemingly fitting into.

Catalina :catroar:
 
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A Desert Rose said:
I don't know where I fit in at all. I'd even start a thread about it if I thought anybody wanted to read my drivel. But, you know, you might want to stop and think where the other person might be before you start that "it's your own insecurities reading too much into it" bullshit.

I'll start a thread about it for you.

I've read posts and received PMs stating exactly this... "I don't know where I fit in, or if I fit in at all, anymore."

It's definately been in the forefront of my mind (between bill paying, laundry and cleaning the toliet). And I'm not making light of that. It has been on my mind.

Everyone wants to be validated and supported in their choices. So I ask the following: How and where do you (rhetorically speaking) feel you would fit in? What do you feel like you need to do in order to fit in? How important is fitting in to you?

What the hell does "fitting in" even mean to you?

I don't know if I fit in or not. I know I'm not like a lot of other people. I have met very few people who are like me. Although I got to spend a wonderful weekend with a roomful of them! I know what I am.. I've been with my vanilla husband for 11 years, we have two children. I'm a wife to him and a mommy. We have been poly for the last two or so years, so I'm that too. I am a submissive, maybe not in anyone else's definition of the word, but in mine. It's a part of me that I couldn't live without. My husband allows me to have that part of myself. I am a painslut. I can't do online only D/s, nor would it be in my best interest to be in a M/s relationship. I have a deep need in me to give over control in a lot of different aspects, but it's not always easy for me. I can be sammy. But, once someone has my complete trust, there isn't an order or suggestion I would deny. (Baring jumping off a roof..lol, or something that would hurt my family) I have a desire in me so deep to please that sometimes I have done what was asked of me in tears because it was not what I wanted to do..but in MY definition..that is what makes me a submissive.

I come here to be around like minds and to learn, to vent, to help others if I can. But, I have very few friends on here. One reason is that I don't allow people to get close to me, I'm not really all that social. Another I'm sure is some of the drama that went on a awhile back. But, that's just how it is going to be. Very few people know the whole story..nor will they ever. I don't feel it is wise to post things like that for all to see. I don't know that I will ever fit in, nor do I care. I have no desire to be a member of the saran wrap subbie brigade, or a member of any cliche. I am me, take it or leave it. I don't know if anyone really fits in. You can mold yourself to fit in, but that's not me. I don't care that much.
 
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This is the 3rd reference to the "saran wrap brigade" that I've come across... What is this about?
 
A Desert Rose said:
So I ask the following: How and where do you (rhetorically speaking) feel you would fit in? What do you feel like you need to do in order to fit in? How important is fitting in to you?

What the hell does "fitting in" even mean to you?
I fit in with a group of football buddies whom I've known and loved since back in the day, and with the family I've known and loved forever.

I fit in with a small group of friends, whom I've met in various places (some kink-oriented, some not), who share compatible interests and views regarding exercise, politics, travel, and life overall.

I fit in with a peer group relating to my career, and with the kids in my neighborhood who like to hang out in the yard and play catch with a ball.

For various reasons, and in various contexts, the people in those groups "get" me - and I "get" them. To me, that's what it means to fit in.

Outside the context of intimate relationships, if I relied solely on my kink identification to feel as if I fit in anywhere, I would be lonely indeed.

I actually prefer the fact that I don't fit in with any kinky group's cultural norms. My observation is that such norms often become strictures. In many cases, they seem to be as antithetical to individuality, creativity, and free expression as the mainstream norms from which they diverge.
 
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Quint said:
Fitting in where? In an online community? In real life BDSM organizations? In my own personal relationship?

Online: Certain POVs (or maybe just the way they're expressed) get on my nerves. Wah I feel left out, nobody said they have a crush on me. OK over both subjects. That's about the extent of my online angst. I think starting off I felt a need to jump on this or that bandwagon but I kind of faded out of that as I realized that none of it really fit me. I don't much feel inclined to post on real subjects anymore anyway.

RL BDSM O: These are the times I'm probably more "golly jeepers I don't fit in." I'm not too masochistic, flexible or any other good "bottoming" adjectives and I don't really get into exuberant praise of my master or describing what it feels like to submit my will to him, so I get self-conscious about playing with other people and start questioning what I'm doing there. It's performance anxiety affecting my self-perception. I'm aware of it and trying to work through it.

Personal relationship: This is where I am who I am no matter what. I can't be anyone or anything but me. I tried it. Tried to be Ideal Sub. Doesn't work. Not me. So "fitting in" in the context of my husband means being the me that he's in love with and screw the labels. It's weird trying to find other people to bring into our relationship without hard-and-fast descriptions of who we are and where we fit into each other, but that's something I'm willing to spend the time and energy with, rather than misrepresenting us.

If you *really* think no one has a crush on you, you are too obtuse/silly to fit in. I would have to shun you in public, but I think you're more modest than obtuse.
 
For a long time, I used to follow other people and doing the same activities as they did, and almost agreed with what they said, not being the true me. It was to fit in with them, to fit in with their image, to fit in with their partying way etc.

Until a few months ago....somehow, an light came on in my head, and I realised that they have treated me like shit, often said that I was not there for them, when in fact I was actually there for them, made me realise that I did not need to fit in with their image or partying way. I can stand alone on my own, to be my own, to do things MY way, to do things I want to do.

However, it can be difficult to fit in with any group of people, for example with my family, it can be difficult to fit in because I am deaf, and although I love my family, I often feel left out of conversations and whenever I ask what they are talking about, I usually get a "Never mind" and I feel like WTF! lol

But with my deaf friends, a complete different story, most of my friends are younger than me, they are more into partying and going out every weekend, but I am now getting to settle down and wanting to stay in and watch television and not really interested in partying and going out every weekend. Also I don't feel as close as I used to be with most of my friends. Which is a sad thing really. But at the same time, I don't care whether I fit in or not. As I am doing my own thing, and if they don't like it, well, tough luck!

Now to the BDSM, this is where I find it a struggle, as I don't know where I do fit in within my comfort zones - a pyl? a PYL? or a Switch? But I am having fun exploring and discovering :D
 
PS: is it just my observation or is the RL BDSM community largely populated by people decrying how narrow minded the RL BDSM community is, and how they're not really fitting into it?

Me included, definitely.

Sometimes I think we are cats not herded. You have Dominants who don't want to do anything without feeling like it was their decision and subs dying to prove they don't do things JUST because someone other than their personal whomever told them to, and you wind up with a lot of contrarian tendencies and fetishizing of individuality.
 
Quint said:
Fitting in where? In an online community? In real life BDSM organizations? In my own personal relationship?

Online: Certain POVs (or maybe just the way they're expressed) get on my nerves. Wah I feel left out, nobody said they have a crush on me. OK over both subjects. That's about the extent of my online angst. I think starting off I felt a need to jump on this or that bandwagon but I kind of faded out of that as I realized that none of it really fit me. I don't much feel inclined to post on real subjects anymore anyway.

RL BDSM O: These are the times I'm probably more "golly jeepers I don't fit in." I'm not too masochistic, flexible or any other good "bottoming" adjectives and I don't really get into exuberant praise of my master or describing what it feels like to submit my will to him, so I get self-conscious about playing with other people and start questioning what I'm doing there. It's performance anxiety affecting my self-perception. I'm aware of it and trying to work through it.

Personal relationship: This is where I am who I am no matter what. I can't be anyone or anything but me. I tried it. Tried to be Ideal Sub. Doesn't work. Not me. So "fitting in" in the context of my husband means being the me that he's in love with and screw the labels. It's weird trying to find other people to bring into our relationship without hard-and-fast descriptions of who we are and where we fit into each other, but that's something I'm willing to spend the time and energy with, rather than misrepresenting us.

I guess I wasn't very clear on this, was I Quint? I was taking off of Bunny's words that hit certain emotions in me and just dove off from there.

I'm not making excuses for myself or for my behavior but lately I've been experiencing some changes that I'm not sure are real or imagined. I've had some things happen to me that shook me real deep and I keep asking myself if I've overreacted or if they are real.

It's kinda like am I paranoid or is everyone really out to get me? Is it related to other medical issues or am I just getting whacky? It's so hard to know because all this relates directly to the areas that control my personalilty.

I'll admit it... I'm really scared at how I've been feeling.
 
A Desert Rose said:
This is the 3rd reference to the "saran wrap brigade" that I've come across... What is this about?

Its about those who claim to be a sub but have never submitted in real life and those who think that if you don't do all that is asked of you (like purposely breaking your leg for your PYL because it was what was commanded); the online only subs and the "subbier than thou"s.

I think the originator of this particular euphemism is commenting that alot of the subs on here would go to a munch with a pie wrapped in saran wrap and would just rather "die" than have their bdsm a little messy.

I'm guessing here...
 
Chris_Xavier said:
Its about those who claim to be a sub but have never submitted in real life and those who think that if you don't do all that is asked of you (like purposely breaking your leg for your PYL because it was what was commanded); the online only subs and the "subbier than thou"s.

I think the originator of this particular euphemism is commenting that alot of the subs on here would go to a munch with a pie wrapped in saran wrap and would just rather "die" than have their bdsm a little messy.

I'm guessing here...

umm..not so much. I'll let Bunny define it. She has a much better way with words than I do..and I do believe she is the originator of the name..lol
 
Chris_Xavier said:
Its about those who claim to be a sub but have never submitted in real life and those who think that if you don't do all that is asked of you (like purposely breaking your leg for your PYL because it was what was commanded); the online only subs and the "subbier than thou"s.

I think the originator of this particular euphemism is commenting that alot of the subs on here would go to a munch with a pie wrapped in saran wrap and would just rather "die" than have their bdsm a little messy.

I'm guessing here...

What? Saran wrap? Messy? I'm confused!

Damn - I really have to work right now, but I will come back and admit my need to fit in! And respond to your PM, ADR! No seriously, this is really timely for me.

I bet you all will be sitting here drooling with anticipation!
 
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