When your PYL turns vanilla

[WriterDom]

When he makes it clear that not only will there be any power exchange within the relationship, but the pyl is not allowed to have an outside person fulfill the void. When you love the guy enough to marry him and he springs this on you out of the blue.


What do you do?

 

[BiBunny]

While that's one of those situations I never hope to be in, and really don't know what I'd do unless I was faced with it, here's my two cents' worth.

I'd try to find out why he felt this way. It could possibly be something that might change one day. Then, I would try to negotiate the "no outside person" thing. No matter how much I loved the guy, I just don't know that I could stay when I knew I wouldn't be happy and wouldn't be getting what I wanted.

I love B. very much, but if he ever sprang something like this on me, I don't know if I could handle it or not.

 

[coy_one]

You somehow learn to accept it. If you can't, then you leave.

That's what I had to ultimately do in my marriage. Accept he wasn't going to change. Since that wasn't good enough for me, I decided to leave.
That's not to say that it was an easy decision to make - in fact it took me over a year and a half to finally leave. But, I knew I had to be true to me, as much as I loved him, I couldn't live in a relationship where I was resentful and frustrated. I was so frustrated and resentful, my body basically started giving out on me from the stress.
I have a herniated disc that pinches my nerve canal. I was in pain constantly. Miraculously, after I left, the pain left and I live with hardly any pain - considering I was living in pain every day for 3 years, I'd say my body was telling me something.

 

[SweetGigi]

I am faced with this right now. I honestly don't know what I am gonna do. Its like he's saying 'ok now, we've had our dirty fun. its time to straighten up and be adults now'. He even went as far as to express that if I am serious about wanting kids that I better check all this D/s stuff- because its not a proper idea to raise kids around. So not only am I to give up the idea of having kids, but I'm to give up being a sub too? what the cock? who is this man? what did he do with my Amato?

 

[trojan_man_co]

personally i think you have to judge whats worth it to you. ultimately you have to choose whats more important. if bdsm is who you are then you have to be true to yourself. if he is your life and your willing to give up everything, then thats the choice for you.. its a personal matter only you can decided whats the most important thing, what would make you the happiest...

 

[serijules]

If the person you married is no longer the person you married, I don't think it's all that bad to say hey, I want out.

Abused women have a hard time with this. The person they married was probably wonderful, kind, loving....the abuse came later. They have a hard time leaving the situation because they are convinced that the man they fell in love with will come back.

If I were to marry again, it would be because my partner is my Owner. If the Ownership status changed due to sudden lack of interest, so would what makes our marriage work. I doubt we could continue as married unless we could both come to terms with the changes and really be happy in them.

I don't think divorce is always a bad thing. People grow and change and that's perfectly ok, albeit hurtful. Why make that change harder than it has to be by trying to hold on to something that isn't going to come back or try to make the change work for you when really it only works for them?

Every situation is different and there is a lot to consider, but I don't think that staying together is always the best option.

 

[HottieMama]

personally i think you have to judge whats worth it to you. ultimately you have to choose whats more important. if bdsm is who you are then you have to be true to yourself. if he is your life and your willing to give up everything, then thats the choice for you.. its a personal matter only you can decided whats the most important thing, what would make you the happiest...

I agree with this completely and it is something i am struggling with right now. My gf of 5 yrs is vanilla and prefers to stay that way. i'm trying to reconcile my needs with what her "ideal" is for a relationship. It's not going well, but certain things are becoming very apparant to me.

Clarity is a good thing in this instance.

 

[FurryFury]

When he makes it clear that not only will there be any power exchange within the relationship, but the pyl is not allowed to have an outside person fulfill the void. When you love the guy enough to marry him and he springs this on you out of the blue.


What do you do?

That would be a very difficult situation. Once I've given my heart to someone it's theirs until they walk out or create a situation so untenable even I have to say no. I'm not sure anyone has every done that second thing.

I'd hope that I'd feel he had gone back on his part of the deal. I'd hope I'd tell him that I needed what I needed. I'd hope I could communicate with him to work things out so that both of us could be happy, even if that meant saying goodbye.

Since I'm fucked up about being overly loyal though, I'd probably just stick with him, like a dumb head.

Fury

 

[Blushing Bottom]

Been there...done that.

...but he recanted later on and whipped me good for whining.

d

When he makes it clear that not only will there be any power exchange within the relationship, but the pyl is not allowed to have an outside person fulfill the void. When you love the guy enough to marry him and he springs this on you out of the blue.


What do you do?

 

[neonflux]

This is a question that is very close to me right now. I have just made the choice to spend my life with a man (straight man at that ), whom I love more than I ever thought was possible. He is able to engage in and enjoy some power exchange play but doesn't really have a kinky atom - particularly when it comes to pain/sensation play - in his whole being.

However, he loves me as much as I love him; understanding that my kink is an integral part of who I am he loves that, also, and would never constrain me in exploring that aspect of my self/sexuality. In fact encourages it, and even enjoys my stories about my adventures, because he knows it fulfills me. I realize and thank the Goddess everyday for bringing someone so incredible into my life.

I do not believe that I could commit to him in the way I have had he wanted to place constraints on who I am. It unfortunately took me a very, very long time (I am 50) to understand the importance of, as trojan_man_co said, "being true to yourself."

My last SO, a woman, wanted to do so, and I allowed it, because - and Fury I identify with your post, I am so damn loyal. After many years (our relationship continued in different forms for about 14 years), I eventually became so deeply depressed that I completely lost myself. I swore after our relationship finally ended that I would never do what she did to me to another, nor would I ever allow anyone to do that to me again...

Just my experience...

Neon

 

[Netzach]

If the person you married is no longer the person you married, I don't think it's all that bad to say hey, I want out.

Abused women have a hard time with this. The person they married was probably wonderful, kind, loving....the abuse came later. They have a hard time leaving the situation because they are convinced that the man they fell in love with will come back.

If I were to marry again, it would be because my partner is my Owner. If the Ownership status changed due to sudden lack of interest, so would what makes our marriage work. I doubt we could continue as married unless we could both come to terms with the changes and really be happy in them.

I don't think divorce is always a bad thing. People grow and change and that's perfectly ok, albeit hurtful. Why make that change harder than it has to be by trying to hold on to something that isn't going to come back or try to make the change work for you when really it only works for them?

Every situation is different and there is a lot to consider, but I don't think that staying together is always the best option.

Amen. Incompatible sexuality is a non-starter. You can make that falling apart process short and sweet or intense and excruciatingly long, but it's going to happen. I did B - and now I screen closely for mutuality and always would. I screen closely for mutuality along generalities as well as specifics, and I'd *never* be in a relationship in which avenues with other people when needed were not open!

 

[CursedVixen]

You somehow learn to accept it. If you can't, then you leave.

That's what I had to ultimately do in my marriage. Accept he wasn't going to change. Since that wasn't good enough for me, I decided to leave.
That's not to say that it was an easy decision to make - in fact it took me over a year and a half to finally leave. But, I knew I had to be true to me, as much as I loved him, I couldn't live in a relationship where I was resentful and frustrated. I was so frustrated and resentful, my body basically started giving out on me from the stress.
I have a herniated disc that pinches my nerve canal. I was in pain constantly. Miraculously, after I left, the pain left and I live with hardly any pain - considering I was living in pain every day for 3 years, I'd say my body was telling me something.

Unfortunately, when our minds are amidst anguish and pain that we do not address, the pain and suffering physicalizes. And sometimes it is quite painful.

I too have dealt with this. And I have to say that sometimes it does work out in your favor. He said that he loved my independent personality - and he wanted to see my general agressiveness in the bedroom. He didn't like the fact that although my personality is dominiant, my sexual behavior is not. He dared to say it got "old."

He tried to give me an ultimatum - which I refused. I told him it was my crazy ideas and agreeable submission that kept our sex life alive. If it weren't for me, we would've been bored with each other a long time ago. He agreed and we came to a compromise. I do have to say that I feel like I won, but I think he did too.

Sticking to yourself and having a dominant personality has nothing to do with it. If it's who you are, it's who you are. You're still the person he fell in love with, so why should you have to change into someone he may and or may not love the same?

 

[omniavincet]

I feel for everyone commenting here. I think this is one of the toughest things a person can deal with. My thoughts come from having essentially hidden my sexual identity from my girlfriend/wife for 22 years - since we were 17. I tried early on to engage her in D/s stuff but she really freaked out over it and I didn't want to upset her. I fell deeply deeply in love with her and we now have a wonderful family. She is still my best friend and soul mate. But. I'm afraid that you can't make choices like these and expect all those feelings to stay away. So now I've brought it all up again with her because I realize I will go insane and probably do something stupid if I don't find a way to express my true self. We're still grappling with it - I'm still afraid of what will happen. So my only advice is: deal with these things *early* because it just gets harder. Good luck with everything.

OV

 

[WynEternal]

I gave up everything to be with/marry the man I was in love with. At first, he liked the kink, but he never fulfilled his promise to let me submit to someone else or to let that person guide him. Now, the closest he gets to it is cheesy porno talk that leaves me pissed at him. All I got were empty promises of change

A part of me still loves him and hopes we can work out all our problems. A larger part off me is not so optimistic.

Seven years ago, I gave up everything for him and a dream. Now, I am left with nothing, not even hope for my shattered dreams.

 

[HottieMama]

Wyn..you described my situation to a T except that my partner is female. We should talk sometime off the public forum.

 

[coy_one]

Unfortunately, when our minds are amidst anguish and pain that we do not address, the pain and suffering physicalizes. And sometimes it is quite painful.

I too have dealt with this. And I have to say that sometimes it does work out in your favor. He said that he loved my independent personality - and he wanted to see my general agressiveness in the bedroom. He didn't like the fact that although my personality is dominiant, my sexual behavior is not. He dared to say it got "old."

He tried to give me an ultimatum - which I refused. I told him it was my crazy ideas and agreeable submission that kept our sex life alive. If it weren't for me, we would've been bored with each other a long time ago. He agreed and we came to a compromise. I do have to say that I feel like I won, but I think he did too.

Sticking to yourself and having a dominant personality has nothing to do with it. If it's who you are, it's who you are. You're still the person he fell in love with, so why should you have to change into someone he may and or may not love the same?

I guess I didn't fully elaborate on my situation.

When I gave birth to our son, I herniated the last disc above my tailbone. I lived in paralyzing pain every day for over 3 years. I was told not to do specific tasks around the house - the main one was mopping. I'd ask him to mop. He would protest. He would ignore the task and tell me I was nuts for wanting the kitchen floor mopped. I would end up doing it. Sometimes, I would be in excruciating pain and only did it "Cinderella style" on my hands and knees. He would sit around and laugh.
We even went to marriage counseling over him not mopping the floor. And it extended to other tasks as well - not raking the leaves on the near acre we live on, not helping with our son, etc, etc..... so it wasn't just mopping the floor, but rather, someone who did not want to help me in my time of physical need.
When I asked and begged for his help, he told me to just accept that this is the way he was and he wasn't going to change.

Well, the attorney tells me that the divorce will hopefully be final in August. And I can't fucking wait.
Ironically, once I moved out of the house, my back suddenly became better after no longer living in such immense resentment and frustration.
Currently, he told me months ago that I didn't have to feel alone in parenting our son. I am trying to get him to help me out while I take on a new job, and he's no where to be found. Yet, this is a man who filed for full physical custody.

Thus, I guess my main point is, where is it emotionally abusive and when is it okay?

 

[MTskibunny]

I dont think that you should marry him. If you are not compatible sexually, it will not work out. In my last relationship, I was the "vanilla" (although, I consider myself pretty open) and it ruined our relationship. He wasnt honest with himself and it caused a lot of hurt. I wish you luck. *hug*

 

[NotsoJollyRoger]

Say fuk you and kick to da kurb

 

[Etoile]

Been there, done that. You might be surprised what you can learn to live with.

 

[katteon]

.....Thus, I guess my main point is, where is it emotionally abusive and when is it okay?

The ability to be able to answer that question yourself coy one, will possibly give you the ability to begin to know how to be true to yourself....to appreciate and respect who and what you are.

For me, a person that displays respect, integrity, responsibility and is truthful, in or out of a relationship, has not acted in an emotionally abusive manner toward me.

Signs of the opposite, disrespect, lack of integrity, irresponsibility, and deception can indicate the potential for emotional abuse.

At first, the abuse may not even be apparent until days after it occurs, a sickening pit in your stomach, avoiding your own reflection in a mirror, irritability, lashing out for no apparent reason, feelings of hoplessness and defeat, are just a few things that would occur to me.

An emotional abuser can use words/promises to lure you in, hook you, then slash your heart.

One simple way to possibly begin looking at emotional abuse issues is to see if a persons words match his/her actions. They should align....

It is a tough road you have ahead, but it is very possible and the sense of accomplishment you can gain phenomenal...

Take Care Coy One and Be Safe
Kat

 

[Evil_Geoff]

When your partner, be they PYL or pyl, unilaterally changes the contract/agreement/conditions/whatever, the contract has been broken and is null and void. Your options are many...
Live with it.
Leave.
Re-negotiate.
Counselling.
Kick them out.
Seperate but negotiate...
The list could go on but you get the idea.

What you as an individual should do will depend on your circumstances and the truth of who and what you are. In the end, YOU are the person who has to live with the decision, no matter what you do.

 

[Ebonyfire]

When your partner, be they PYL or pyl, unilaterally changes the contract/agreement/conditions/whatever, the contract has been broken and is null and void. Your options are many...
Live with it.
Leave.
Re-negotiate.
Counselling.
Kick them out.
Seperate but negotiate...
The list could go on but you get the idea.

What you as an individual should do will depend on your circumstances and the truth of who and what you are. In the end, YOU are the person who has to live with the decision, no matter what you do.

Amen, EG!

 

[Puman]

Just the opposite

I have only now, after 5 years of marriage, taken an interest in BDSM in general... and I have to very gently try to introduce my husband to it.. I am pretty sure that extreme pain/blood etc will be outta the question with him (whether received or given)... I just have no idea how to even start... any one got any suggestions?

 

[SpencerAlanMacLeod]

Evil Geoff, you’ve said it best,

Puman, you asked for some suggestions on how to introduce your SO to B.D.S.M.

How about these?

Start small and keep it as close to the regular sexual routine you follow now.
At some point, he may ask what all “this stuff” is for.
Be honest and tell him you want to “experiment”, a little bit.

String ropes across the width of bed between the mattress and the box spring.
One is for the arms and one for the legs.
Make sure to leave enough length to attach cuffs the ends.

Dress up in leather dominatrix costume…or a sub’s costume…if that’s your bent.
Do it with humor and style.
It is more about making you both at ease with these semi strange things.

 

[Puman]

...

String ropes across the width of bed between the mattress and the box spring.
One is for the arms and one for the legs.
Make sure to leave enough length to attach cuffs the ends.

Dress up in leather dominatrix costume…or a sub’s costume…if that’s your bent.
Do it with humor and style.
It is more about making you both at ease with these semi strange things.

Thanks SpencerAlanMacleod, I will DEFINATELY be giving these a try. I'm quite keen/excited to see how he handles being Dominant (in the sense of being in full control)... I will not push it though.. baby steps.