When Your Discover Your Husband Is Gay (Or Bi)....

[Phantasma]

~~Help please!!!

I am hoping to get some feedback on this...have any girls out there discovered their husband was gay/possibly bisexual? I am sure mine is gay, but he seems to like women too, so there comes the bisexual part. I am sure everyone has heard this one before, but no matter how frequent this may happen, it is still a very difficult situation to deal with. I am really looking for advice from women in a similar situation, and esp. ones who have gotten out of the marriage. I know what I need to do, I am just terribly scared(to do it). Any support or encouragement would be wonderful. Thank you in advance for any help you can give

 

[Lust Engine]

Okay..far be it for me to answer the question, considering I'm not a wife of a possibly gay or bisexual man, but I have a few trinkets I'd like to toss out there.

Okay, if he WAS gay/ bisexual- you're implying he had some homosexual experiences prior to meeting you. And since he married you, has he had any inclinations to going back to that lifestyle? Or more importantly, HAS he gone back to that lifestyle- technically fooling around on you?

If he has then I'd almost look at it like any other infidelity incident. Whether it was with a man or woman should be irrelavent. He strayed from his vows of marriage & should be dealt accordingly.

But if you've only learned of his past lifestyle and he's done nothing to even revert to that and he's been a supportive & loving husband, then I'd leave it be. Each one of us has had things in our past that we'd rather not re-visit. If he's remained a solid person regardless of his past, this shouldn't alter your view of what the future with him should be. He's obviously made the choice to be with you now regardless of what he's done before.

Two different scenarios I've laid out here. Which one has he fallen into?

 

[Phantasma]

Hi Lust Engine, thanks for your reply, I really appreciate it

Ok, well...where to begin.....I have been married for 4 years. About 4 months into the marriage, my husband (very reluctantly)showed me some gay videotapes that he had bought prior to meeting me(about 2 years before I was in the picture). I had NO idea of any of this until after we were together, and I was very hurt & upset since I had told him EVERYTHING about myself before we got married; I think that is very important--to let your partner know everything about your past, and to be totally honest. If you can't have honesty, then what do you really have? Anyways, he swore up & down that he is not gay;that his reasons for having those tapes is because he "likes looking". That is his excuse for everything, he "likes looking"....but apparently the gay porn appeals to him more, since he never spends money on any kind of hetero or lesbian porn. It is ALWAYS of gay nature.

He is a trucker and on the road every week, only home on weekends, with exposure to many different things on the road. So I am always worried about that. And he has indeed had an affair, but with a woman. He swore up & down that he never even talked to this girl(just like he swore about not being interested in men), until he was absolutely caught having this affair, and there was nothing left for him to do except fess up. Ok, I know I am stupid for taking him back, but at the time I was thinking of not just myself, but about our kids, too. He is a wonderful father, I have to stress that. He is just a lousy husband. He has never, ever hit me or anything like that, but he obviously has no repect for me if he can sleep with another woman.

I really think he hasn't crossed that line with a man, and I am not sure he ever will. I really think he doesn't want to hurt his folks. Also, I should mention that his brother is gay. He has been with the same partner for about 7 years, and they are two of the nicest, funniest, coolest guys you could ever meet, and I really like them both But only his mother knows;they haven't told my father in law about it, for fear of hurting him. (Which to me is ridiculous, you should be who you are & not be ashamed of it) But we both have old-school parents, blah blah blah....

To get back to my hubby, he has had some depression issues, and I am SURE it stems from his ambiguity. I have told him that I could totally respect the fact that he is gay/bi, if he could be honest with himself. I know in the long run he would be happiest to come out. We could raise our children just fine, and even remain friends, for I still love him dearly. I just know that I am not what he needs. He keeps telling me how much he loves me and that he wants to stay together, but I know he is terribly unhappy in this marriage, as well as I. So, all in all, I know what I have to do, I am just unsure of how to go about doing it. I am sorry to lay all of this on you LOL, I know it is a lot...I am just at my wit's end with all of this and just wanted to hear some other people's opinions about it. We have been to counseling, we counseled for about 6 months, and he swore to our counselor that he didn't have this affair with this girl(and I found the proof later). So he obviously wasn't willing to come clean about everything, and if you can't do that in counseling, then it is a total waste of time.

So.....that is my life in a nutshell I am not sure which category he has fallen into, it is all very complicated. So, any advice, comments?? I would like to feel that I am not totally off my rocker on this!!
*sigh* Whew this is draining!

Any help would be appreciated

 

[MR.GGG]

I think the FIRST thing you should do is go get yourself TESTED for HIV / STDs.

The infection rate for gay/Bi males is alarmingly high and many of the Bi's don't even know they are carrying a desease back to their wives so that should be your #ONE priority right now.

The emotional issues you will have to work through in time. Just remember it is NOT your fault that he's gay. He may have been under tremendous family pressure to be "normal" and after some period of time he's thinking he should "come out" - screw the family. You got stuck in the middle maybe. Try not to get / stay mad or hurt. If he is gay and wants back into that lifestyle consider yourself lucky that somebody who really doesn't want to be with you (like THAT anyway) has decided to let you get on with your (normal) life. What ever the situation is it ain't your fault so try not to dwell on that. Shit happens. Deal with it and get on with finding a guy who's looking at YOUR ass and not your brother's!!!

Get tested. If found early it can mean the diff between dying a horrible lingering death in two years or having a semi-healthy life for the next 10 ?
15 ? years? Do that.

Good luck.

 

[Lust Engine]

Phantasma-

No problem in me replying to your posting here. I hope to have helped somewhat in easing some of your fears with my opinions.

First off I don't think the issues here are of a sexual nature; it has more to do with a TRUST issue. Bluntly, he's lied to your counselor to you & your family. I'm sure his job that sends him all over the place must just have you climbing the walls with fear.

I'm glad to see that you're thinking of your children first and foremost. I might disagree slightly about how well of a father he is to them. What kind of example is he setting for them? How would the kids feel if they knew their daddy slept around on mommy? Is this the kind of morals he wants to instill in the kids?? Where's his sense of what's right & wrong that he wants to demonstrate to them?? Just because he brings home the paycheck and doesn't physically hurt you, he still hurts you in OTHER ways with his lying.

You have to let him know how much you've been hurt by his deceptions. Let him know "Honey, I feel hurt by Example A, B, C, D, E, etc..." I'm not sure I can completely trust you any more which includes his statement about being in love with you. Loving people don't do this to one another! Try couselling one more time but this time with an ultimatum (of which you might or might not be able emotionally to follow through on just yet); he has to prove to you without a doubt that he's going to be honest. You deserve some sense of security & integrity here as do the kids.

In regards to what Mr. GGG said about the medical issues, I wholeheartedly agree. Why take a chance? Get tested and bring home your peace of mind.

Again, I believe it's a trust issue. He's lied to you already. How many other lies are there that he hasn't been caught on?? He's either got to get back the trust not just from you, but from the family. He'll have to earn it if he's sincere.

 

[Lust Engine]

Oh yeah... good luck to you.

 

[sheath]

Honey, I been there. Reading that post of yours almost sounded just like me a few years ago. Made me cry, believe me.

The most important thing: You can't make him do ANYTHING, including fess up to anything at all. The only thing you can control in this is you.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! Get tested, like Mr. G. said. Take care of you and your kids. Make plans for what to do, and if you can't trust him, begin making plans to leave. You have to come first. Take care of yourself, please. PLEASE. It's the most important thing you can do for you...AND your kids.

If you want to PM me, you are more than welcome.

Good luck, honey.

S.

 

[Ezzie]

I was married to an extremely bisexual male for 4 years. I think I knew he was bi the entire time, but, I was was in denial. After all, we did have a child together.

He had a love for gay male porn movies and mags, always wanted me to fuck him with dildos and we almost bought a strapon, but, that was towards the end of the marriage and we never got around to getting one.

I got my "proof" of his bisexuality after we had seperated. His first post marriage relationship was with a male coworker of his. I was happy that he was finally out and my guilt over my own suspicions went away.

He's now with another woman and I personally can't stand her after recent events. I'd rather see him with another man.

I guess I don't have a lot of advice to give you, but, I can safely say that there are other women who have been in this position and the best thing I can say is be supportive. It's not always easy, but, it's better than living with the shame and guilt I dealt with.

 

[SexyChele]

Okay, so you are basing the assumption that your husband might be gay/bi on the fact that he likes to watch gay porn and his brother is gay? Well, that's what I got out of it. Just because he likes gay porn, doesn't necessarily mean he is gay or bi. He could, in fact, like "just looking". Maybe he is curious. He probably didn't tell you about the videos before you married, as it sounds as if he comes from a repressed family life. Understandable. He probably wasn't certain how you would take it.

He also had an affair that he lied about. Well, most men who have affairs lie about them until they are caught red-handed.

I see this as coming down to two issues: trust and communication. Without one, you really don't have the other. There is some reason why you are not believing what he is telling you. And I think it goes deeper than finding gay porn 3 1/2 years ago, or having an affair. (A lot of marriages survive affairs)

Have you talked to him about the possibility of ending your marriage? Have you discussed with him your lack of trust due to his communication skills? (or lack, thereof?) Are you willing to try to salvage the marriage? Or do you simply want out?

If you no longer want to be married to this man, it would be best if you told him and made plans to leave. Trying to find excuses is like clutching at straws. You are unhappy for a reason, and I don't see what that reason is. I'm not saying you should stay or go - only you can make that decision. But be honest with yourself as to why you need to go, or why you want to fight to stay. And, you can always get counseling for yourself without him, too.

Good luck to you and your family!

 

[Phantasma]

Honey, I been there. Reading that post of yours almost sounded just like me a few years ago. Made me cry, believe me. Good luck, honey.

S.

Thanks, I really needed to hear that! It is nice to know I am not going crazy, that this is real, and I can deal with it. Actually everyone has posted some really great advice, and brought new things for me to think about. Yes, I do want out...I have tried everything to save this marriage and have showed it, and he hasn't changed a bit. If anything, he has become a better liar. And that is an obvious clue as to how serious he is about fixing things. Thank you to EVERYONE who responded, I so appreciate it. I know that things aren't going to be fixed overnight, but I do see a light at the end of the tunnel The best thing I can do now is save up some money for an attorney, and try to live as peacefully as possible, and help keep things as normal as possible for my children. God this is hard to deal with, but I got more good advice on this board than I did in counseling! Thanks again to everyone for your insight & good wishes
It means more than you will ever know


**Hugs**

 

[Lust Engine]

Again Phantasma, we're just offering our advice, opinions and maybe a shoulder to lean on. We're far from being the voice of God but if you find some comfort in what we say, then great! You have some tough decisions ahead not just for yourself but thankfully for your children too. While they can't be too easy I see you at least looking to that ray of hope. Keep that chin up and know that not only do YOU deserve some sense of honesty but your children need a solid role model to teach them to become productive functional members of society. We wish you well and should you need someone to lean on... c'mon back!

Take care.

 

[Tender Heart]

I hope Im not out of line.....

First of all I can sense your frustration and the pain of your uncertainty and maybe I can bring a new angle to your situation.

I am a bi-curious male. I dont know why or how I came to this point but I am. Ive never had a male affair but have played via the internet and phone with other men. However its not something that drives me day to day. The thing that drives me is my love for me family, my wife of 14 years and my three, soon to be four children.
Ill admit something though. Our marriage has not had its problems. 2 1/2 years ago I did have an affair that started online with a women that went to r/t.......and found myself want to end my marriage for this women. Thank God the situation turned and it didnt happen. My wife and I went to intense counseling and found each other once again. This almost killed us but we made it through it. She still is aware of my fetish towards being "bi" and I still play but nothing in r/t. Its just not safe. for me or her.
My point is that I dont think the issue here is about being Gay or Bi, as others have said I think its about trust and if you two really love each other and if your love for each other is what drives both of your lives day to day. I can tell you from experience that if that is not the case than it doesnt matter whos gay or bi or whatever.......find out if the required love is there..if its not..then I think you know what you have to do.

If you have any questions about the "bi" thing feel free to PM me!

Most Sincerely,

Tender

 

[Shadi]

I was married to a guy for in total 5 years, at the time we split up, it was my decision and I stand by that (now being with the most amazing guy ever!). After the split my husband confessed that he was gay, we had a lot of rows but after all we had split. When I had calmed down enough to think about it, I realised that the signs were all there I had just never considered the possibility as I had taken him on as a hetro male.

At first I thought he was trying to get back at me, or was just confused about the situation (we got together when he was 17 and me 15) and wasn't sure where to turn but after talking to him I found that the reason we connected at the start was because I was so boyish, I really was one of the lads at that time.

I am lucky to be in a situation where I am able to meet and talk with my ex with no malice but he did finish a gay relationship because of our son, he wasn't sure what to do or how to explain things to him, and now lives alone due to family pressure (he could never admit to them he was gay).

All I can say is if he is gay don't judge him badly, my ex tried to stick to the 'norm' and it ended badly for him, all he was doing was hiding his natural feelings and it hurt me and him.

Not much help I know but at the end of the day would you not rather know the truth and move on now, than wait and hope. It all depends on your relationship with him and if you still have any respect left to go the extra mile and make it easier for your children who are the ones that will suffer now or in 10 years time whichever you decide.