Bring out the adventurous side of my shy husband.

[Unquiet_Mind]

My husband and I have only been together 2 yrs. I am the adventurous and most sexual of us both. I have had boyfriends that I was a swinger with and love the rough and kinkier side of sex. It took forever to get something besides missionary with this one. I Snoop and see the porn and pics of women he looks at and have asked him what he likes and asked what he thinks about when he masterbate and he claimed he doesn't lol. Sex talk is just something he says away from. I would like to get him to relax and open up a bit. Try new things. But nothing I have tried is working. I send videos and nudes of myself to him tell him how much he turns me on.... nothing he doesn't say a word about it. Help!!! I'm desperate to get him to find his kinky side and share it.

 

[curiouschattycouple]

What kind of porn did you find him watching? Can you work that angle?

 

[NikiVien]

I believe it's very hard to change someone sexually, imo it's pretty much set in stone, although sexual counseling might help.

Maybe he would like to be cuckolded, have you asked him if he'd like to hear about, or watch you with other men? Often the best way to approach the subject is to mention a 'girl friend of yours' who's husband enjoys such a dynamic.

 

[NightL]

How the hell did you end up marrying this guy? From one paragraph you have fairly much indicated you had a very clear understanding of your own needs and desires prior to meeting him. Wasn’t there any time during dating/engagement you questioned “is this a good match?”.

The biggest issue you may have at the moment is not just his disinterest beyond vanilla but communication in general. At the moment he either does not realise how important this is to you or simply does not care. I hope it is the “does not realise”.

Have you ever actually told him how important this missing part of life is for you? Have you told him how you would like him to respond? If he is the type of partner willing to make effort in other areas just for no other reason than knowing it brings you joy then you have a good starting point for very direct discussion. While you hope he just gets it, maybe you really have to spell it out for him. Let him know how important this is for the relationship and how much you would love for him to get involved in coming up with fun ideas. Let him know how much it means to you just seeing he makes an effort.

Try to find trade off ideas, make it a game, have fun with it. Let him know it is ok to have a laugh if things don’t quite go to plan, then you try something else. I suspect you really have to just lay it all out in the open and stop wishing “why does he just not understand?” – tell him very directly. Also tell him how much those efforts would mean for you in all areas. “Get me smiling and I assure that you will end up smiling bigtime as well”.

Get away for weekends – have nights away, hotel sex or music festival tent sex – whatever flips the spontaneity switch. Go out dancing. Catch a burlesque show. Go to a fetish club – dare him to go, tell him how much it would mean to you just to experience the environment. Get into environments where the atmosphere is sensual. Let him see how much you enjoy it, assure him he will be well rewarded.

Just keep on guiding and keep on telling him how wonderful it is that he is trying.

Don’t just wish for him “to just get it” – tell him very directly and in detail.

Talk.

 

[NightL]

The partners who I had the most fun with were those who were proactive and direct in letting me know exactly what worked for them. That was the grounding for all the adventures and discoveries that followed.

 

[Unquiet_Mind]

What kind of porn did you find him watching? Can you work that angle?

Tried it he doesn't respond to it much. Just missionary mostly

 

[Unquiet_Mind]

I believe it's very hard to change someone sexually, imo it's pretty much set in stone, although sexual counseling might help.

Maybe he would like to be cuckolded, have you asked him if he'd like to hear about, or watch you with other men? Often the best way to approach the subject is to mention a 'girl friend of yours' who's husband enjoys such a dynamic.

I wish he is very vanilla and doesn't like the swinging from my past

 

[Unquiet_Mind]

How the hell did you end up marrying this guy? From one paragraph you have fairly much indicated you had a very clear understanding of your own needs and desires prior to meeting him. Wasn’t there any time during dating/engagement you questioned “is this a good match?”.

The biggest issue you may have at the moment is not just his disinterest beyond vanilla but communication in general. At the moment he either does not realise how important this is to you or simply does not care. I hope it is the “does not realise”.

Have you ever actually told him how important this missing part of life is for you? Have you told him how you would like him to respond? If he is the type of partner willing to make effort in other areas just for no other reason than knowing it brings you joy then you have a good starting point for very direct discussion. While you hope he just gets it, maybe you really have to spell it out for him. Let him know how important this is for the relationship and how much you would love for him to get involved in coming up with fun ideas. Let him know how much it means to you just seeing he makes an effort.

Try to find trade off ideas, make it a game, have fun with it. Let him know it is ok to have a laugh if things don’t quite go to plan, then you try something else. I suspect you really have to just lay it all out in the open and stop wishing “why does he just not understand?” – tell him very directly. Also tell him how much those efforts would mean for you in all areas. “Get me smiling and I assure that you will end up smiling bigtime as well”.

Get away for weekends – have nights away, hotel sex or music festival tent sex – whatever flips the spontaneity switch. Go out dancing. Catch a burlesque show. Go to a fetish club – dare him to go, tell him how much it would mean to you just to experience the environment. Get into environments where the atmosphere is sensual. Let him see how much you enjoy it, assure him he will be well rewarded.

Just keep on guiding and keep on telling him how wonderful it is that he is trying.

Don’t just wish for him “to just get it” – tell him very directly and in detail.

Talk.

Very good advice I have sort of talked to him and he says feels pressured. So I'm pretty sure it's a bit of naive and a bit of self esteem issues. I try to build him up always. He's perfect in every way but this part. I'm going to try to be more blunt and try the date ideas. Thank you

 

[tnhardon]

My husband and I have only been together 2 yrs. I am the adventurous and most sexual of us both. I have had boyfriends that I was a swinger with and love the rough and kinkier side of sex. It took forever to get something besides missionary with this one. I Snoop and see the porn and pics of women he looks at and have asked him what he likes and asked what he thinks about when he masterbate and he claimed he doesn't lol. Sex talk is just something he says away from. I would like to get him to relax and open up a bit. Try new things. But nothing I have tried is working. I send videos and nudes of myself to him tell him how much he turns me on.... nothing he doesn't say a word about it. Help!!! I'm desperate to get him to find his kinky side and share it.

I would sit down and be very open with him about what you like and what your fantasies are. I have lots of things that I wouldn’t be open with my wife about unless I knew that she was into it too. Fear of judgement can be tough.

And if none of that works, just send the dirty pictures my way and I’ll respond to them kidding (but only kinda lol).

 

[NC_Coastal]

Wine helps.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

OK, turn it around perhaps? He comes home to find you have arranged a (soft) sub experience for him, introducing it gently. For instance, Edging. Take him to bed. Explaining that it is to heighten his other sensations, lightly blindfold him. Move his hands to the headboard and tell him he has to keep them there. Begin the edging. Sooner or later, his hands will come down - reposition them, give a somewhat sterner command. If it happens again, express a bit of frustration and use belts or old ties to fasten his hands in place. Drive him nuts before giving him what he needs and then untie him quickly. “See, lover? Adventurous can be fun!”

Arrange whatever would suit him best to get his toe in the door.

 

[ctarrantella]

This thread is kind of the reverse for me. Some good advice here. I think it’s time for me and my wife to have another talk about these things. Glad I caught this one.

 

[Inthelastrow]

I saw this thread and was compelled to write. Its been a couple of months so I don't know if you have made any progress with hubby or need more advice. But here are my thoughts...Remember advice is free.

I was a shy kid and young adult. I could hardly talk to girls. It was very hard to share my inner thought or desires at all, even with my wife whom I have been married now for 30 years. It took a long time to come to understand what I was feeling.

First I have to ask like others on this thread, what led to you get married? I realize that there is more to love and marriage and sex. Still it helps being compatible in bed. If hubby is that shy and inhibited, yet he is still looking at porn, then he has hidden desires and impulses that he is probably unwilling to share. My guess is he is may be intimidated by your past and/or his own inhibitions. Only open communication will bring that out. That said here take it slowly. Invite him to engage in fun activities while making love. For example if you like to get spanked or nipples tweaked, ask him to do so. Likewise, try a few new things with him, one at a time. See how reacts. Expand from there. A simple one is getting tied up. I would also recommend asking him to go down on you, if he hasn't already. There are some great porn "how to" videos on eating pussy with female-female instruction which is less intimidating to a guy. He may just enjoy it, you will. And if you have not already, try alternate locations; back yard, back set of car, go for a hike, etc. See how he reacts.

In the end you might have to accept your hubby the way he is. I can tell you that kinks and desires only increase with age. You will have to deal with that as your relationship with your husband matures.

 

[red13502]

wine is nice but liquor is quicker, make him pretty relaxed and have your way with him all of his inhibitions should disappear and give you plenty to talk about in the morning
,

 

[IrisAlthea]

Not sure OP is still around but there may be others in similar situations reading this, so I still want to say something about some of the ideas like these:

Invite him to engage in fun activities while making love. For example if you like to get spanked or nipples tweaked, ask him to do so. Likewise, try a few new things with him, one at a time. See how reacts. Expand from there. A simple one is getting tied up

Those things might work of course, but I think it is worth to remember that there are different reasons for behaing like OP’s husband.

OP wrote that the husband was uncomfortable hearing about her sexual past:

he is very vanilla and doesn't like the swinging from my past

That may well mean that he is not just shy about it, but uncomfortable with his wife’s sexuality and past.

If hubby is that shy and inhibited, yet he is still looking at porn, then he has hidden desires and impulses that he is probably unwilling to share. My guess is he is may be intimidated by your past and/or his own inhibitions.

He may be inhibited but could also be someone who thinks that those things are ok with a certain kind of woman but not with his wife.
Not knowing what is behind his behaviour may mean that you could get in trouble with things like getting him to tie you up or just generally dragging him into something he doesn’t want.

wine is nice but liquor is quicker, make him pretty relaxed and have your way with him all of his inhibitions should disappear and give you plenty to talk about in the morning
,

Also, it would be interesting if this was written in a thread like this but with genders reversed.

Where are all the ”If he doesn’t want to, he just doesn’t” answers?

 

[Bbeeler707]

Very good advice I have sort of talked to him and he says feels pressured. So I'm pretty sure it's a bit of naive and a bit of self esteem issues. I try to build him up always. He's perfect in every way but this part. I'm going to try to be more blunt and try the date ideas. Thank you

How are you wanting him to open up sexually?