When were you first attracted to D/s

[Little Bird]

Some og you may know me, I lurked around here the last months and posted sometimes...

I would like when you first discovered your attraction to either domination or submission. I know here are some at the age aof 20 and 19 but I would like to know if most people are into it almost all their live or if developed after a few or even after several years.

I almost accidantly came to think about if I could have a dominating side in me and it surprises me greatly, that I think I really have to think about it for some time...

 

[catalina_francisco]

Have to say the desires have been there since early childhood but it was not until my 30's that I really had the opportunity to realise the relevance of them and the way to have them fed. Might have taken a long road to get here but it was worth travelling every bump along the way.

Catalina

 

[unusualkiss]

i have always been a very controlling and in-charge kind of person, so discovering my passion for being dominated was a bit of a shock. now that i have begun to accept it and incorporate it into my everyday life, i do not think i could ever go back.

i believe that my first real notion of dominance came when i was 24. i would occasionally have fantasies that i now classify as bdsm or M/s as young as 13. i am now 31 and preparing to enter into my deepest relationship yet.

 

[Little Bird]

I never even thought of it, that I could have any attraction to domination and submission at all. I thought it's all about subs trowing themselfs in the dirt and the Doms walking on them to not get their prescious shoes dirty. In fact I really despise such behavior and the thought of the concept of punnishment is revolting to me. (Okay, I thought that way of anal too, and of domination at all until short. )
If you and your partners are happy that way, it's okay. I don't want to be offending, it's just that I don't want to have any experiences with it and have a bad feeling towards it.

I don't want to have full controll, in any part of my life but I was ever the one who got the things rolling. Every time there was a group of people I seemed to be the one in lead. Okay, I'm quite lazy but most times I'm one of the few who get things going and not one of the many who do as the others say. Now I'm in a very close friendship and we shared many of our fantasies and made plans to try them. Well, in fact it was me sharing my fantasies with her. I want to encourage her to use her imagination but if I offer her some things I could do to her I almost every time get the answer "As you like it." or "Choose you." At first it frustrated me because I felt like working hard to entertain her and in the end she doesn't like it or even worse, she's just pretending to like it to make me happy.

After thinking some time about it I think maybe she just likes to give all responsibilities away and hand them to me and likes to be surprised and to give all controll in someone elses hands.
What surprises me the most is that I really like that thought.
Many of my fantasies are things like having her full aproval of me tying her to the bed; caress every part of her body the way I think it should be done now and her being unable to do anything against it; licking her for hours until it gets torture; blindfolding her and making her unable to see what I'm going to do; making her telling me what she want's before she gets anything; and so on and on and on...
As much as I would like to do all this things I really have no desire to have them done to me. Yes, it very far from anything that could be called a bdsm lifestyle, but it's definately some kind of dominance.
I would not go that far that I would say I'm a latent Dom, but at least this is something I would like to know more about...

 

[Softouch911]

Little Bird, you have about 50 questions in there. I'd really suggest you spend some time reading on Castle REalm or Submissive Loving to get a clearer notion of what submission and domination are all about.

Like you, I don't mean to offend, but D/s isn't about clean shoes and lying in the dirt. It's about the fulfillment of the spirit, leadership, responsibility, service ..... and on and on. No way to do it in a paragraph that will make sense to you I guess.

In fact, there is much of your self-description that suggests you might be submissive yourself. Have you ever considered it? May be worth some thought.

My first memory of BDSM is of a porn movie of a naughty schoolgirl spanking at my friend Ronny's house. We were 14 and he got into his father's stash of porn. My mother was Domme, my father was sub. I thought there was something wrong with me until I was well into my 40s.

Good luck on your journey. Enjoy it.

Softouch

 

[Etoile]

I've always been submissive, and when I became sexually active at 17 I knew of it but didn't do anything much related to it. It wasn't until I met my Daddy when I was 19 that I really fell into it hardcore and learned there were lots and LOTS of others like me.

 

[babiesmiles]

I've always known there was something in myself causing the partial success or the complete failure of my past relationships, but it was a nameless feeling of incomplete satisfaction , nothing dramatic but an annoyance in background which caused me to wonder why a relation with all the premises to be fulfilling at the very last was not , and I started to think very deeply about my real whishes and wills.

Obviously I knew something vague about bdsm and mine were few and (I'm not ashamed to admit it ) very stereotyped elements , but as I'm a stubborn and curious personality and, luckily, enough daring and open minded to not get stopped from prejudices, I started to gather more detailed and reliable elements of knowledge about the D/s relation and the lifestyle .

Then while already into that process of inner growth and search , I casually bumped in this forum and I must say since then it has been a continue source of knowledge and reflection . I started to analyze my past experiences from a new point of view being finally able to give a name, a plausible name, to certain unsolved exigences of mine.

More important I understood I was neither mad nor weird , but only a different person who finally dared to clarify her inner necessities with the help of a competent and mostly friendly environment and the support of a really caring and understanding mentor .

I still am not completely sure nor definite in my inner being, notwithstanding the not exactly young age , but I've learnt the luxury of the slowness after a psychotic rushing youth without any constructive aim in this side of my life, and now I'm enjoying the journey in itself .

I'm not scared anymore to stop and think with honesty about desires I never dared to admit rationally . And although my (little) knowledge is still mainly theorical I can see ahead with clearness cause I know where I want to go and I'm strongly trying to get there.
Its not easy and yet source of some internal fight between my "opposite sides" but at least I can catch a glimpse of land at the end of open sea .

 

[catalina_francisco]

There are many variations of how and what happens in a D/s type relationship, much of it relating to what suits the two (or more) people involved. As much as some might try to push there is a right way to do it and that is the only way, whern living the reality you find there are as many legitimate ways as there are possibilities for people to think of. Sites and stories are only a guide, often limited in their portrayal, often catering to the stereotypical images commercially promoted for that reason. You will also often find there are differences between various cultures/countries in the way D/s is played out and accepted too.

The truth of it is it has to fit you and what you perceive your needs to be. You will find over time that things you may find unattractive or off limits now will become things you will embrace and love later on. It is part of the journey of discovery which not only opens new possibilities to you but also creates an understanding around activites which make them appeal for reasons you were not fully aware of before. Have fun in exploring. Also, if you do some googling, you will find some good sites in Europe which will perhaps make the reading and exploring easier at times (not being offensive..and am assuming you are not a native english speaker... just my Master/husband is non-english speaking and as well as he speaks and reads english he admits it is far easier to do it in Dutch or Spanish).

Catalina

 

[Little Bird]

Like you, I don't mean to offend, but D/s isn't about clean shoes and lying in the dirt. It's about the fulfillment of the spirit, leadership, responsibility, service ..... and on and on. No way to do it in a paragraph that will make sense to you I guess.

From what I read here I think there ARE sometimes these things but I learned some time ago, that these ones are not necesariely (probably spelled wrong) there every time and as often are not there at all.
Some stories I read here are definately about degrading and hurting others and these ones even like it that way, but as you say there is MUCH more, sometimes totaly different from this.

In fact, there is much of your self-description that suggests you might be submissive yourself. Have you ever considered it? May be worth some thought.

I don't know where you read this, but yes: THAT I considered before but droped it...
I would really like to know why you think of this.

 

[Little Bird]

The truth of it is it has to fit you and what you perceive your needs to be.

I'm very happy that I have this knowledge all my live. From stories my parents tell me I acted acording to that as early as the age of three. No one knows cruelty like a five-year-old but I never got provoked into fightings. Beside some brawling with my brother there was only one single time I did. I knew my way and walked it. I was never the one others wanted me to be, but the one I wanted me to be.

You will find over time that things you may find unattractive or off limits now will become things you will embrace and love later on.

Oh, there are so much allready...
I liked myself a year ago and I still think I did nothing wrong, well I think it did almost everything right, even the mistakes.
There are so many things that repulsed me that I would now consider or even would really like to do now:
Sex without love (but at least very deep friendship), anal, sex with more than one partner, sex with other males, marry another male, bondage (but I think this one I have since I'm 16), spanking, watching others having sex, being watched by others having sex, and maybe the most wired having a relationship with more than one partner.

Maybe I'm a little late developing, but nice guys finish last because they're best prepared...

Also, if you do some googling, you will find some good sites in Europe which will perhaps make the reading and exploring easier at times (not being offensive..and am assuming you are not a native english speaker... just my Master/husband is non-english speaking and as well as he speaks and reads english he admits it is far easier to do it in Dutch or Spanish).

Catalina

Thanks, but I'm that used to read english that sometimes at late night my thoughts change from german words to english...
It's sometimes difficult to express myself but I touched no german novel since I was about 16, seven years ago...

 

[moonieblue]

I was about 15 when I first discovered D/s. I found a magazine that had erotic stories in it. I read the entire thing and the story I liked the most was about a college student who was tied up and spanked after failing her final exam. I think that is what really planted the seed in my mind. 3 years later I really started to explore/learn and finally admitted to myself that I had a submissive side.

 

[Little Bird]

In fact, there is much of your self-description that suggests you might be submissive yourself. Have you ever considered it? May be worth some thought.

Late night is not my best time for difficult questions and I still don't know where you could read this but I'm feeling quite sad this night and I really long for these days and nights where I had my elder, larger and much stronger friend I shared some fantasies with. Though I had a strong mind back than as well, I acted mostly like a little girl and liked it...
I'm not even sure any longer that I like to have things done my way but in fact want the attention the most.

I really thank all of you for your replies. I don't know where this will lead me to and I came to a place where I never wanted to get there, but now that I'm here I don't think I want to leave...

 

[AAkasha]

Some og you may know me, I lurked around here the last months and posted sometimes...

I would like when you first discovered your attraction to either domination or submission. I know here are some at the age aof 20 and 19 but I would like to know if most people are into it almost all their live or if developed after a few or even after several years.

I almost accidantly came to think about if I could have a dominating side in me and it surprises me greatly, that I think I really have to think about it for some time...

I was fascinated with bondage in cartoons. The idea of a man/hero bound and helpless was something that interested and excited me (not in a sexual way, yet, just plain exciting). It was all reinforced with reruns of Batman when I was around 7 - 9. I wanted to be catwoman.

By age 16, as soon as I was old enough to go on innocent dates, I was tying my boyfriend's wrists together, just playing innocently. I learned about BDSM through reading college journals and studies in the library.

I was doing lots of bondage and roleplaying and whatnot for a few years before even losing my virginity. From there, I broadened my horizons...a little at a time.

The rest is history. A fun one, at that!

Akasha

 

[Xelebes]

I've been submissibe on the get-go but have only really found of the D/S dynamic when I was 18.

 

[serijules]

Some stories I read here are definately about degrading and hurting others and these ones even like it that way, but as you say there is MUCH more, sometimes totaly different from this.

Trying to learn about BDSM and get an honest picture of the reality of it from stories and fiction is like trying to learn to drive a car from a book. There is a huge difference between reality and fantasy fiction. I write fiction stories all the time that are greatly embellished from what I would actually desire and submit to in reality. The only thing stories are good for is entertainment, not education.

 

[Little Bird]

I think you're right. I once toke part at online-rpg that was about a cult of demon worshippers: They fucked, tortured and killed their sacrifices and themself and not all times in that order. Everyone was totaly getting of on blood and my character was a 16-year-old girl that got addicted to blood and alcohol. It was really hard stuff like pinning hands to a table with knifes while having sex and fucking in puddles of gore.
I think cutting is a border I will never cross but all this was hot as hell and got us really horny.

If someone would judge me from that I would for sure be locked up for the next 20 years...

But it is really very hard to get any good informations about this topic. Where should I serach for something most people want to think of it does not exist at all?

 

[serijules]

But it is really very hard to get any good informations about this topic. Where should I serach for something most people want to think of it does not exist at all?

Right where you are. The best way to learn about BDSM based on reality is to talk to those that actually live it, not those that fantasize about it. You still have to weed out those here that are living in a fantasy world, so it's up to you to judge what to take and what to leave. Try looking for "how to" like books on D/s as well...there are some very good ones out there. Some of the info may be too basic, but some is very valuable and most are written by those with a lot of open minded experience in the scene.

I learned through experience too, but the key is to go into that experience with an open mind, not one choke full of preconceived notions on what submission is and what dominance is and how things "should" be done. It's a different journey with different meanings and different results for EVERYONE. Yours should be no less unique.

 

[Liana26]

Even though I didn't know what it was at the time, I first showed signs of D/s at around age 7. Me and my friend used to play "Scott and Molly" all the time. She was Scott, the older brother, and I was Molly, the naughty brat that always had to be spanked.

T used to tie his sisters' Barbie dolls' hands behind their back and rape them with his G.I. Joe's.

 

[esclave_PP]

Some og you may know me, I lurked around here the last months and posted sometimes...

I would like when you first discovered your attraction to either domination or submission. I know here are some at the age aof 20 and 19 but I would like to know if most people are into it almost all their live or if developed after a few or even after several years.

I almost accidantly came to think about if I could have a dominating side in me and it surprises me greatly, that I think I really have to think about it for some time...

I am afraid I am one of the ones who got thrust into it when I was 18 officially. I happened to be introduced to it by a boyfriend who had kept the lifestyle from me until he thought I was ready and literally, he spanked me into submission (read here for the story)

Previous to this relationship however, I did read and have an attraction to the lifestyle when I was 16. This came out of my own incest experiences however. My grandfather when I was 5, pretty much made me his sexual submissive. Sorry if that is TMI.

 

[Little Bird]

"Experiance" is a nice sounding advice, but it is nor that easy like knocking at a door with a huge sign on it and asking "Sorry, I would like to know what you're doing. Could I come in and see what's happening in there?"

 

[serijules]

"Experiance" is a nice sounding advice, but it is nor that easy like knocking at a door with a huge sign on it and asking "Sorry, I would like to know what you're doing. Could I come in and see what's happening in there?"

No, but it doesn't just fall in your lap either. I met people at clubs, made friends online that I later met in person, went to spanking and BDSM parties, etc. I live in a state where there is NO BDSM activity, parties or clubs...so I had to go out and find myself some. It didn't happen overnight, and it takes awhile to get to know people to the point where you trust meeting them, and not every meeting will go well...safety is a concern. It's up to you to find the route of experience that works for you.

 

[Little Bird]

Maybe my words were a bit misleading: I'm don't want of experiance some "action" but rather to understand more of the psychologial and philosophical backgrounds of domination and submission. I asked myself questions that most people seemed not to think about and about one year ago I discovered that these questions are the cornerstones of the gothic-lifestyle or philosophy or as you like to call it. Unfortunately most goths are the same dumb guys and girls as everywhere, only with black clothes, so I left this behind me and now I think the less I have in common with the cliche, the more I get into the things that really are the basics of this philosophy.
Trying to get a short summary of ggothic, it is opening the mind to questions of death, sufering, pain and sadness. Many think it ends there but if you see deeper you find a kind of inner peace through facing these questions. It's like surpressing horrible memories. You can get them out of your thoughts but they won't stop influencing you until you face them. At least that what I think are the basics of gothic...

I feel needs that I do not fully understand and that I find very difficult to explain but I think it's about seeing far deeper in the minds and harts of those you love and through that feel much more closer to them as one thought possible. I don't know if the answer to this quesions is in bdsm, but I would really like to know more about it to see what I can learn from it.

I hope you understand that meeting totaly unknown people at partys or clubs would not get me any closer to this. It could be of some help to hear of the experiances of others but I have no desire to take part in anything...

 

[serijules]

I have no understanding of what goth has to do with BDSM, so I'm just going to skip that part because that makes zero sense to me.

As for the rest...guess you just have to find what works for you. I can't relate to feeling something and having no desire to actually experience it, so what I would do in your situation or how I would handle it has little merit here. *shrugs* good luck with finding whatever it is you are looking for!

 

[Little Bird]

I have no understanding of bdsm at all but I have questions about the needs I feel and it led me there first and now to here. The connection is to explore ones personality in ways most people think bad, or wrong or simply "dark".
I think I heard nothing more often as "And why didn't you just said it?" and "How is that related to the topic?"
Maybe I'm totaly wrong here but I would like to know more before I decide.

 

[serijules]

Maybe I'm totaly wrong here but I would like to know more before I decide.

Sounds like a plan