When they don't want to have sex

[Cirrus]

OK, there is a larger issue here, but how do you ladies (or men for that matter, but I say ladies because I am female) feel when a man (or woman) "isn't ready" for sex.

There's a longer story here, and I may explain depending on the responses I get, but frankly I am a little miffed. I feel like it's rape in reverse...instead of forcing me to have sex and making decisions for me that way about my body and my sexuality, he's forcing me NOT to have sex, and doing the same thing.

Right? Wrong? Selfish? Empathize? Thoughts?

 

[bunny bondage]

well, it really depends on the situation. wait, no it doesn't. if a person isn't ready to have sex, then that's their choice. especially if this is a relationship we're talking about here. (although i also find it perfectly acceptable to decline sex from strangers) it's a level of connection, intimacy, trust, closeness, and vulnerability that really should be taken seriously. if someone isn't ready to have this with you yet, then you have no choice but to accept it. it isn't like rape, they aren't forcing you into anything. if you absolutly MUST have dick, then you can go get it somewhere else.

 

[MissTaken]

It does depend on a lot of things.

Of course, if I am dating someone and they don't feel they are ready for sex with me, well, I have to respect their decision...bdsm or not.

NO, it may not feel good, but it is what it is.

Now, if it is a Dominant who is saying that the relationship isn't ready for sex, that is another feeling entirely. Apprehension, anticipation and yes, always a bit of self doubt..."Why am I not good enough to fuck?"

Cirrus...is this a D/s relationship?
Is it someone you are submitting to, or may submit to?

We all have different ideas about how and when sex and intimacy should come into play in a relationship.

 

[Justina123]

Before getting involved in my current relationship, I dated quite a number of Dominants who had the "no sex" , play only rule for one reason or another. Basically, I felt they were making it clear that it was to remain a mutually satisfying but casual relationship. One made it clear the rule was for good (he was interested in me as his "second sub") a couple of other ones felt that sex should be reserved for a future true love which might be me in time. At the time, this was fine for me... as I was telling Dominants I met right up front that I was not interested in anything more than an occasional play partner. And we had some wonderful play times, and of course there are all kinds of ways to make one another orgasm without actual intercourse, and in a way, finding and inventing more and more of those ways was very fun.

But situations and times change, and I can't imagine that kind of set up with my present Dominant, who is fast becoming the love of my life, and vice versa...

So, as in all things relationship-wise, whatever both parties agree to! but if no sex is NOT what you want, then personally I'd go no further 'cause sounds like loads of frustration ahead!

-justina

 

[Ebonyfire]

OK, there is a larger issue here, but how do you ladies (or men for that matter, but I say ladies because I am female) feel when a man (or woman) "isn't ready" for sex.

There's a longer story here, and I may explain depending on the responses I get, but frankly I am a little miffed. I feel like it's rape in reverse...instead of forcing me to have sex and making decisions for me that way about my body and my sexuality, he's forcing me NOT to have sex, and doing the same thing.

Right? Wrong? Selfish? Empathize? Thoughts?

Well since I am a dominant who does not require sex as a basis for my D/s relationship, I do not see a problem here.

What's the issue?

Eb

 

[slvjenn]

I was in this situation once and it made me feel self doubt. All the normal things that I felt were wrong with me were amplified.

It would have been nearly impossible to take this advice when *I* was in that situation, but I'll offer it anyway...

We as women have been telling men to "get in touch" with their feelings longer than I've been alive. We want them to be sensative to us, and how we feel and think.

All our lives we've been told either straight up or in some around about way (both) that we should be the ones to "put on the breaks."

Then when we meet a man that maybe IS a little more in touch with his feelings (and/or ours) all of a sudden we have no idea how to handle it. When it isn't us saying no, all of a sudden it's because we have something wrong.

I've asked boyfriends along the way, why men are always so interested in one night stands. Or even if you date for a while, why sometimes after you first sleep together all of a sudden he's no where to be found. I always thought it was my fault. I wasn't good enough or some such.

A few have said that it's the chase. That for whatever reason (one i can't understand) that getting the woman in bed is as much or more fun than actually being there.

So with that, I offer that maybe this is one of those guys who enjoys the chase and is trying to prolong that. Maybe he's doing it for selfish reasons, but maybe he's doing it because he really does feel something for you and doesn't want to loose interest because that chase is over.

Maybe he has some submissive fantasy burried someplace and wants you to be the aggressor.

<shrug> just some ideas of reasons...I don't think it's selfish of you to want that. Don't we always? Even when we say no (at least for me) it's often not because i don't want to, but because I'm afraid of other things. Being left after the fact being the biggest.

 

[rosco rathbone]

I feel like it's rape in reverse...instead of forcing me to have sex and making decisions for me that way about my body and my sexuality, he's forcing me NOT to have sex, and doing the same thing.

If a guy was saying this, he'd be laughed out of town.

 

[Pixie Mischief]

OK, there is a larger issue here, but how do you ladies (or men for that matter, but I say ladies because I am female) feel when a man (or woman) "isn't ready" for sex.

There's a longer story here, and I may explain depending on the responses I get, but frankly I am a little miffed. I feel like it's rape in reverse...instead of forcing me to have sex and making decisions for me that way about my body and my sexuality, he's forcing me NOT to have sex, and doing the same thing.

Right? Wrong? Selfish? Empathize? Thoughts?

hes withholding sex from you?? Has he stated a reason? punishment??

 

[Pixie Mischief]

Maybe he has some submissive fantasy burried someplace and wants you to be the aggressor.

<shrug> just some ideas of reasons...I don't think it's selfish of you to want that. Don't we always? Even when we say no (at least for me) it's often not because i don't want to, but because I'm afraid of other things. Being left after the fact being the biggest.

very possible. I know before he gets here I'm not allowed to masturbate for 2 weeks. Neither is he so I cant complain much. I'm not too happy about this!!!!!!!!! AT ALL!!!
I'm already having trouble with the no play really about once a week. anyway but I think the 2 weeks maybe partly just for that reason I know he likes "Agreesive" girls. but I'm shy.. perhapes he thinks if I'm so horny beyound reason I will attack him LOL

 

[BlondGirl]

My ex used to do this as some fucked up sort of punnishment (I think).

It is very frusterating and does not add to the relationship. I still have a lot of issues with intimacy surrounding sex
ie-I have a real difficult time with my sexuality when I am in a relationship that involves the whole "L" word but when it is casual sex--no problem, I enjoy my partner AND myself.

I have wondered a great deal if I ever can be in a normal relationship again because of this. Once emotions even begin to get involved, any sexual desire I have is accompanied with HUGE MINDFUCKING GUILT!!!!!

I know, I should get therapy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That is impractical. As it is, I just live my life and let sex be strictly a fun thing. Once it gets too complicated, I am outta there. Usually.

 

[cellis]

OK, there is a larger issue here, but how do you ladies (or men for that matter, but I say ladies because I am female) feel when a man (or woman) "isn't ready" for sex.

There's a longer story here, and I may explain depending on the responses I get, but frankly I am a little miffed. I feel like it's rape in reverse...instead of forcing me to have sex and making decisions for me that way about my body and my sexuality, he's forcing me NOT to have sex, and doing the same thing.

Right? Wrong? Selfish? Empathize? Thoughts?

I have really tried to see the problem here. You are submissive, you have some sort of agreement with the Dominant. If this agreement is not what you bargained for you have choices...

a) Discuss the way you feel with the Dominant;
b) Leave... take your toys and go on your way and find someone else to play with that you like better or that plays the way YOU want to play.

I figure in a D/s relationship that you discuss your wants and needs and the two of you find a way to meet each others needs. But the bottom line is that it is all about control. Do you give up control of your sexual appetite to be Dominated by this person? Do you allow this person to make those decisions for you? Is it really that this person is not ready for sex? or is it that this is the Dominant's way of controlling you?

I don't know.... I just wonder if there is more going on here that you are telling us Cirrus?

 

[Cirrus]

Sorry, meant to get back to this, but I've been busy.

Actually the guy in question is a past partner, an ex. He was married when we were first together, and has since gotten a divorce, which lead him to move back into town, and we've started seeing each other again.

He had absolutely NO problem fucking me when he was married, but now that he is single, says he "doesn't feel right about it". WTF??? And he doesn't feel right about ANYTHING...even messing around a little. He really hasn't given me a reason, and it's not that he's not over his ex. He was over her for several years before they divorced, really.

When we were together the first time, our sex life included BDSM, but had no elements of D/s outside of sex, so that's not the issue here. It's not power or punishment.

Like someone else mentioned, I can't help but think that it's me. Even though I KNOW it's probably not.

It just doesn't seem "fair", you know...we like each other, at least as very close friends, there is trust and mutual attraction, so what's the damn problem?

I mean shit...if I were a guy, and had a choice between having sex with a cool, cute girl that liked me and beating off, I know which one I'd choose.

 

[WynEternal]

Just a thought: Perhaps he's not ready to get back into anything involving BDSM for fear that it may require him into more commitment than he's ready for especially now, since he's divorced. Has he said no to just sex without the play?

 

[SexyChele]

Sorry, meant to get back to this, but I've been busy.

Actually the guy in question is a past partner, an ex. He was married when we were first together, and has since gotten a divorce, which lead him to move back into town, and we've started seeing each other again.

He had absolutely NO problem fucking me when he was married, but now that he is single, says he "doesn't feel right about it". WTF??? And he doesn't feel right about ANYTHING...even messing around a little. He really hasn't given me a reason, and it's not that he's not over his ex. He was over her for several years before they divorced, really.

When we were together the first time, our sex life included BDSM, but had no elements of D/s outside of sex, so that's not the issue here. It's not power or punishment.

Like someone else mentioned, I can't help but think that it's me. Even though I KNOW it's probably not.

It just doesn't seem "fair", you know...we like each other, at least as very close friends, there is trust and mutual attraction, so what's the damn problem?

I mean shit...if I were a guy, and had a choice between having sex with a cool, cute girl that liked me and beating off, I know which one I'd choose.

I've been reading these posts over the last few days, and really felt there was more to this than the BDSM angle. Now, I know I was right.

Actually, this situation is very, very simple. And all too familiar. The problem?

Married = safe

Single = complicated

As long as he was married, albeit unhappily, he knew there was no way he could be entangled with another person. Marriage is the failsafe way to say, "I can fuck whoever I want and never have to worry about things getting complicated - hey, I'm married, ya know?"

Once a man (or woman) gets a divorce, suddenly that mindless fuck they once enjoyed could turn into something more serious and complicated. They might not be ready for a serious relationship and feel that, without that safeguard of marriage, they are now considered available meat for anyone not already connected.

I would not doubt that this fellow would eagerly fuck a woman who was married. No chance of committment. But a woman who is single? The chances of becoming too complicated too quickly is probably what is scaring him away. And, no, it doesn't matter one bit if the woman in question is stating she isn't interested in a relationship. Women have been known to state that, all the while plotting and planning to trap some guy into the entanglements of marriage. It's not unheard of, and probably how he wound up in his marriage to begin with.

Of course, this is just my own opinion.

 

[Ebonyfire]

I've been reading these posts over the last few days, and really felt there was more to this than the BDSM angle. Now, I know I was right.

Actually, this situation is very, very simple. And all too familiar. The problem?

Married = safe

Single = complicated

As long as he was married, albeit unhappily, he knew there was no way he could be entangled with another person. Marriage is the failsafe way to say, "I can fuck whoever I want and never have to worry about things getting complicated - hey, I'm married, ya know?"

Once a man (or woman) gets a divorce, suddenly that mindless fuck they once enjoyed could turn into something more serious and complicated. They might not be ready for a serious relationship and feel that, without that safeguard of marriage, they are now considered available meat for anyone not already connected.

I would not doubt that this fellow would eagerly fuck a woman who was married. No chance of committment. But a woman who is single? The chances of becoming too complicated too quickly is probably what is scaring him away. And, no, it doesn't matter one bit if the woman in question is stating she isn't interested in a relationship. Women have been known to state that, all the while plotting and planning to trap some guy into the entanglements of marriage. It's not unheard of, and probably how he wound up in his marriage to begin with.

Of course, this is just my own opinion.

I think you are on to something chele.

Lots of married men have this kind of pattern. I would not be surprised if he sought out a sex partner who was married.

Move one, Cirrus, you deserve better.

 

[SexyChele]

I think you are on to something chele.

Lots of married men have this kind of pattern. I would not be surprised if he sought out a sex partner who was married.

Move one, Cirrus, you deserve better.

I'm betting he already has another sex partner. One who is very married and wants to stay that way.

But that's just my guess.

 

[Ebonyfire]

I'm betting he already has another sex partner. One who is very married and wants to stay that way.

But that's just my guess.

I hope not, but you can never tell.

Well Cirrus, can you handle just being friends?

 

[MissTaken]

This thread appears to be better served on the General Board.

IT seems the questions are concerning men in divorce and their "readiness" to get involved again, in a sexual manner.

Also, a discussion concerning, sexuality and marriage might be interesting. I wonder if others have met men or women who are free with their sexuality when married and "Safe", only to find their legs are clamped tightly together when finally free.

A fear of commitment, perhaps?

 

[BlondGirl]

This could just be a random thought:

Is it possible that in his infidilities, he caught a nasty that he is concerned about sharing? One perhaps that he would rather not discuss with you out of pride or embarassment?

Or, I have no idea of his age, perhaps he has been thinking about asking his doc about Viagra....

 

[Lancecastor]

Ahhh....a relocated thread....ha!

Cirrus...when he was cheating to have you, he found you hot.

Now he's single, so he wants to play the field.

He's got someone else, babe.

 

[Olivianna]

Reverse rape - because he's forcing you to not have sex?
I don't understand.

 

[Lancecastor]

Reverse rape - because he's forcing you to not have sex?
I don't understand.

Men just keep oppressing, and oppressing and abusing...fuck we're evil.

 

[red_rose]

Ahhh....a relocated thread....ha!

I was wondering what had happened! lol I'm reading the thread thinking, "I recognize all these names...but they aren't GB folk!"

 

[bknight2602]

OK, there is a larger issue here, but how do you ladies (or men for that matter, but I say ladies because I am female) feel when a man (or woman) "isn't ready" for sex.

There's a longer story here, and I may explain depending on the responses I get, but frankly I am a little miffed. I feel like it's rape in reverse...instead of forcing me to have sex and making decisions for me that way about my body and my sexuality, he's forcing me NOT to have sex, and doing the same thing.

Right? Wrong? Selfish? Empathize? Thoughts?

I think it is totally wrong. I would have sex with you anytime!

Seriously, it isn't reverse rape but it probably invovles control, over actions or lack of actions, just like rape.

 

[seXieleXie]

I feel like it's rape in reverse...instead of forcing me to have sex and making decisions for me that way about my body and my sexuality, he's forcing me NOT to have sex, and doing the same thing.

i have to say that i think this statement is pretty offensive