When she won't look you in the eye...

[human_male]

Ok, lets say there's a young lady who you like working in a shop that you frequent. Lets say you think she might like you so you try to chat with her whenever you go in. But after a few times you're really trying to decide if she likes you, and contine and maybe ask her out... or if she's just being friendly, in which case you'd stop bothering.

You observe her and her behavior while she's chatting with you. She hardly ever smiles, mostly doesn't look at you but just looks around the shop instead, and she doesn't ask you anything about YOU.

But, she does seem happy to chat. She might not have the type of personality that smiles a lot, ok. And maybe she won't look at you because she's just as nervous as you are?

So what do you do? You like her so want to keep at it, but you definately, definately don't want to be the sort of sad geek who keeps chatting to a girl who doesn't like him in the hopes of getting a date. Y'know, when she sees you she rolls her eyes and goes "oh not him again." That sort of thing. How do you know what she's thinking? There must be some way to know.

So would you keep trying, or realise that after a few goes if she's not responding then there's probably nothing there?

Thank you kindly.

 

[Recidiva]

You have to ask her. She's a captive audience and she might just be being polite. So you have to be honest at a certain point and ask a polite question and be able to take a polite answer politely.

Say simply "I've been coming in trying to get up the courage and wondering if you'd like to have a cup of coffee with me"

Something like that.

She might like you, she might not, her boss might make it very difficult for her to be friendly with customers, they might not, I don't know. Best thing would be to take it out of her work environment and make her more comfortable on a personal basis so she could be personal.

Just be kind and impersonal and friendly with the door open to being kinder and more personal and more friendly if the opportunity arose

 

[TBKahuna123]

I was gonna say get a friend to pass her a note in gym class, but Recidiva's suggestion is much more effective.

Seriously though, I find it amazing how our reactions to situations like this are the same, no matter our ages. Recidiva is right, you have to just ask her, be honest. The worst thing she can do is say know, but at least you'll know for sure. Whenever I'm in a frustrating situation like this, where the circumstances could go either way, I just tend to plow forward and use the direct approach. Even if I don't get the answer I want, I can at least move on and stop stressing about it.

Just be confident, yet non-aggresive and you'll leave her with a good impression no matter what.

 

[silverwhisper]

what they said, dude.

ed

 

[human_male]

I don't think I could ask her out without having more of a clue as to whether or not she likes me. I certainly couldn't just ask outright if she likes me.
I went in there today and asked how she was and she chatted about herself for a bit, but I noticed again she didn't ask how I was or what I was up to or anything. I've chatted to enough women online to know that if they don't seem curious about you they're not really bothered. So I think I'll just drop it.

Thanks for the advice though.

 

[sweetsparkles]

.....

 

[covariant]

I don't think I could ask her out without having more of a clue as to whether or not she likes me. I certainly couldn't just ask outright if she likes me.
I went in there today and asked how she was and she chatted about herself for a bit, but I noticed again she didn't ask how I was or what I was up to or anything. I've chatted to enough women online to know that if they don't seem curious about you they're not really bothered. So I think I'll just drop it.

Thanks for the advice though.

Consider asking her, as Recidiva suggested, in a simple manner. She may well say no, but you will feel better about yourself for trying. Don't just give up.

 

[Recidiva]

I would say that the trick to this at this point is being able to not take the subject as one that would hurt anybody's feelings.

The ability to say yes or no to a cup of coffee should be light and easy for her and for you.

There really should be no feelings or expectations on either side to be hurt. If there are any, they are imaginary and shouldn't be taken seriously by anybody.

It's nice to have fantasies or thoughts about what you'd like, but so far, there's nothing but a light conversation.

Rejection is a choice you make to allow yourself or others, and letting someone off the hook whether it is asking someone for a cup of coffee or asking you to marry them, is always a gracious choice to allow another person. It is their choice to say yes or no. Your choice is to ask and let go of the question.

 

[covariant]

It is their choice to say yes or no. Your choice is to ask and let go of the question.

Yes. This is what I was trying to say above, put much more eloquently.

 

[Cathleen]

You can't read her mind - none of us has that ability although most would want it sometimes.

'The Beauty of Coffee', asking someone for a cup of coffee is a laid back approach. There also isn't too much invested in it - half hour or so, if it goes well great, if not then it was just a half hour and a cup of coffee.

Give it a shot, things like this take practice to become comfortable for us to do. One thing that I've learned here at Lit is that most of us are nervous - it't the common denominator of being human.

I hope you'll give it a try.

 

[jujee]

I agree with the rest.

Go for it. If she says yes, GREAT! If she says no? You move on. No more time wasted, wondering.

I act the same was as this girl when I'm interested in a guy, well... except I smile. A LOT, but that's just me.

I become very shy, find it hard to make eye contact, mostly because I feel like I'll start blushing. And many a time I have walked away thinking "STUPID STUPID! Why didn't you ask about him!?"

There's really no way of knowing though unless you ask. I know that in my particular situation? Well, I'm still in it... I'm going nuts wondering if he likes me or if he thinks I'm just not interested.

Ask her! If she does like you? She will be SO grateful you had the courage.

 

[human_male]

Someone also mentioned the boss. Bossman might notice you coming in and not purchasing something everytime. Might be getting her into trouble.

Also are you positive she is unattached?

No she's on her own in the shop when I talk to her. I don't know if she's attached or not, my guess would be she is. That's the norm for females in this country, man drought or no man drought.

Thank for all the encouragement everyone. I'll see how I feel next time I go in. I guess I can bring myself to blurt out "do you fancy hooking up for a coffee later?"

 

[Eilan]

I become very shy, find it hard to make eye contact

I'm like that around people that I don't know all that well, and even when I'm having conversations with my husband and friends, I have to force myself to look them in the eye. I was an extremely shy child, and I think this behavior (for me, at least) is just a holdover of sorts from childhood.

 

[human_male]

Thank you all for your advice and support. I went back in there today with the intension of asking her for coffee. But when I was standing there in front of her I couldn't do it. But I think we did make some progress. We had our usual little chat and this time she actually smiled and looked at me once or twice.

She asked me if I'd been to see this movie we talked about last time and I said no, had she. She said no (it's not really her kind of thing) so I casually threw in "you should get your boyfriend to take you, he's probably a fan." To which she just smiled and went "nah." She didn't say "nah I don't have a boyfriend."

So when I go back tomorrow I think I'll just ask her if she has a boyfriend and see how she reacts. I know you'll all say just go for it for fucks sake, but I think it would be better to take my time and let her warm to me. I'm just the type of person that people need to get to know. If I ask her out too soon and she says no, then that's it.

So thanks again, and I'll keep you posted.

 

[human_male]

She wasn't there today so there goes that plan. On second thought though, I think the best thing to do would be to ask her for coffee as friends. Would you like to, just as friends, meet for coffee some time?

Would you as women in that situation be more comfortable with that, or would you be pissed off or disappointed in him if you actually did really like him?

 

[Recidiva]

She wasn't there today so there goes that plan. On second thought though, I think the best thing to do would be to ask her for coffee as friends. Would you like to, just as friends, meet for coffee some time?

Would you as women in that situation be more comfortable with that, or would you be pissed off or disappointed in him if you actually did really like him?

It's always possible to start as friends and build up from there.

Just like it's easier to ramp up to something than it is to take a big jump.

 

[M's girl]

She wasn't there today so there goes that plan. On second thought though, I think the best thing to do would be to ask her for coffee as friends. Would you like to, just as friends, meet for coffee some time?

Would you as women in that situation be more comfortable with that, or would you be pissed off or disappointed in him if you actually did really like him?

Do you really only want to be friends?

Because I would consider going for coffee with someone I was not interested in besides a friendship if they would ask me this way. When they, later on, would reveil that they had an alterior motive after all I would feel a bit cheated to be honest.

If you were asking me I would say: skip the "just as friends" comment. Just ask her if she wants to have coffee with you. Period. If her response would be "but I have a boyfriend... I don't know..." you could always throw in the "friends" comment.... but only if you can live with that yourself...

I totally understand your hesitation and anxiety about the whole thing. But really.... what's the worst thing that could happen? She can say no.... That's it. I doubt it if she would laugh at you or do anything else to make you uncomfortable. And if she does.....? Well, you're better of knowing now. That's not someone you would want to date OR be friends with I assume!

Good luck!

PS The majority of women is very flattered when asked out. Even if they can't or won't go out with you for whatever reason. Remember that.

 

[TBKahuna123]

PS The majority of women is very flattered when asked out. Even if they can't or won't go out with you for whatever reason. Remember that.

If they are asked out in a respectful way, yes. Remember dude, you aren't trying to hit on her in a bar here with some cheesy pickup line, you're making a sincere invitation.

M's Girl's right, the worst that can happen is that she says no, and what have you lost, really? My only regrets are the times I didn't ask, that I didn't take that risk, not the times I was shot down. The pain of regret is far greater than the pain of rejection.

 

[human_male]

Do you really only want to be friends?

Because I would consider going for coffee with someone I was not interested in besides a friendship if they would ask me this way. When they, later on, would reveil that they had an alterior motive after all I would feel a bit cheated to be honest.

If you were asking me I would say: skip the "just as friends" comment. Just ask her if she wants to have coffee with you. Period. If her response would be "but I have a boyfriend... I don't know..." you could always throw in the "friends" comment.... but only if you can live with that yourself...

I totally understand your hesitation and anxiety about the whole thing. But really.... what's the worst thing that could happen? She can say no.... That's it. I doubt it if she would laugh at you or do anything else to make you uncomfortable. And if she does.....? Well, you're better of knowing now. That's not someone you would want to date OR be friends with I assume!

Good luck!

PS The majority of women is very flattered when asked out. Even if they can't or won't go out with you for whatever reason. Remember that.

Yeah I'm sincere about being friends. I'd be more comfortable starting things off like that and seeing if things go further, if they don't that would be fine. It wouldn't be like just a big con to get in her pants.

I'm not sure how I really feel about her either. Whether I'm just feeling a "friends" connection with her or if it's something more, so starting off as friends would be better.

I managed to say something really stoopid to her today and now she probably thinks I'm a moron so I might not be going in any time soon.

But thanks everyone. I totally concur with the "the worst that can happen is she says no" concept but when you're standing there in front of them suddenly it seems like the hardest thing in the world to just blurt it out. And plus she's not making it easy for me. I mean, if she did like she could at least smile at me or act like she's happy to see me.

 

[M's girl]

But thanks everyone. I totally concur with the "the worst that can happen is she says no" concept but when you're standing there in front of them suddenly it seems like the hardest thing in the world to just blurt it out. And plus she's not making it easy for me. I mean, if she did like she could at least smile at me or act like she's happy to see me.

I know it's easier said than done. And maybe she's just as shy about it as you are. One of you has to take the first step. I have taken people (men) being particularly nice to me the wrong way some times.... thought they liked me better than they actually did. They were just being their nice, spontanious selves I thought and I took that as them being interested in me. Once you realize that, you start to be more careful interpreting people's reactions to you and you take a step back. That might be what she is doing. Of course it may turn out she is indeed not interested in you at all. That does not sound nice (why do I always want to be nice to people?) but it could be the cold hard truth.... Only way to find out is to take a deep breath, pinch your nose and jump!

Good luck!

 

[TBKahuna123]

But thanks everyone. I totally concur with the "the worst that can happen is she says no" concept but when you're standing there in front of them suddenly it seems like the hardest thing in the world to just blurt it out. And plus she's not making it easy for me. I mean, if she did like she could at least smile at me or act like she's happy to see me.

Oh stop being such a woose!

Yeah easy for me to say, most of my dates/ relationship were either girls frustrated with my shyness and asking me out or they just kinda happened. The only girl I ever actually asked out I wound up marrying, so I dont' ahve a lot fo room to talk.

Wow, what a change 15 years makes. From shy nerd to Mr. Confidence. Well, ok maybe Mr. Nerd with Confidence.

 

[human_male]

OMG I'm hopeless! I was in there again and I still couldn't do it. It's just she seems so totally uninterested! Maybe I've waited too long and she's just got tired of waiting for me to say something, but I doubt she likes me at all now. I rented a movie and asked if she'd seen it, she said yes and I said would you like to see it again, thinking that maybe I could suggest she come over and watch it with me. I think she saw where I was going with that (coz she's switched on) and said no she's seen it tons of times and (just to hammer it home) she even has her own copy.

But I still mean to do it, just so she can so no, and I can finally stop fretting about it. I mean it's be too months now!

Hey TBKahuna, how do you get one of those dates that just sort of happen? How does that work? I want one of those!

 

[TBKahuna123]

Hey TBKahuna, how do you get one of those dates that just sort of happen? How does that work? I want one of those!

I used to hang out wiht a lot of girls. A few times things jsut got a little frisky and progressed firther. Of course, that was in High School and college. I daresay though that it still might work, given the right woman.

BTW, can I just say how happy I am that I'm happily married and don't ahve to do this anymore? I don't envy you.

 

[mcopado]

Hey human,
I just read a book that may have suggetions on penetration her defenses and make her fascinated and engaged by you...If you can get through that wall, she will look you in the eye, and you won't look like a hopless, I think the word was, geek you used earlier...

Some great tips, tricks and ideas..

good luck

The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists -- by Neil Strauss

 

[human_male]

Thanks mcopado but I don't think I need it. I was planning to just blurt out do you want to have coffee with me.

I'm in a bit of a dilema though. Things weren't going anywhere with her, and I hadn't seen her for a while. I went in on the weekend and there was another cuite there. Unlike the first one we have great eye contact, and she smiles at me and seemed pleased to see me even though we hadn't really spoken. I like them both. I can't ask them both out though. If I asked the fist one and she said no, it would be shitty to just go to the second one. Although, she might be just being friendly too, but I'm determined to try.

But which one?