When Online Worlds Collide

[Eilan]

I referenced this in the blurt thread the other day (and I’ve talked to some of you about it on Facebook), but the other day I had a rather unnerving encounter with a now-former Facebook friend who found me on another site. I was more upset by the nature of the encounter, not the fact that it happened. I decided, after talking to some friends and looking over our previous (limited) correspondence, not to engage the man who contacted me. I deleted/blocked him from Facebook and the other site, and I feel good about that decision.

The site wasn’t Lit, but it was a site of a similar nature which I’d prefer not to mention here except to say that I wasn’t active there but did, apparently, have a (PG-rated) pic that he was somehow able to recognize. I’m way more active on Lit and have been posting here for 10 years, so if I were going to be recognized anywhere, I’d expect it to be here. For example, it would be easy for someone who’s been in my house or has seen my pics on Facebook to recognize where my av was taken.

I’m not looking for advice – just commiseration, I guess. Has anyone else ever been in this situation, either on Lit or on other sites? How did you address it?

Given the tone that certain recent threads have taken, I’d also appreciate it if people would keep the victim-blaming and slut-shaming out of this thread, but I fear that’s too much to ask.

 

[bailadora]

I've not had this happen, but you know I will commiserate with you. I'm also interested in what advice might crop up, as something said a few weeks back leads me to believe I might be found out here sometime in the future. On the bright side, if this person does find me, I don't think it will be that much of a surprise to them, and I'm pretty confident I won't be getting creepy messages.

Oh, and if you're worried about slut shaming/victim blaming, since you've a pretty good idea where that might stem from, I'd personally make a preemptive strike and put that person on ignore. No need to put up with such nonsense!

 

[midwestyankee]

I've never had this kind of problem before, but I thought I'd show my commiserative support regardless. Hell, even my family sometimes can't find my FB posts.

 

[Dianthus]

I've had it happen the other way, where, during an exchange of PMs on Lit, I figured out fairly early in the conversation that I was in a 10 block radius with the gentleman with whom I was conversing.

I sincerely hope we don't run into each other at the grocery store.

(I was very careful not to slut shame him for visiting the site. Besides, it wasn't that sort of conversation.)

 

[NightL]

I have always had the highest regard for your writings and opinions here and laughed at many delivered sharp one liners. No doubt you carry yourself the same way wherever you offer input. I doubt the person you refer to can hold their head quite so high.

I have two FB accounts, one in which I only engage with close friends and relatives and is fairly well locked down, the other listed under my actual name is my throw away one. "Can I add you on FB?" to which I reply "Sure" and rarely visit or engage with that account.

Anyone on my frequently used FB friend list I would willingly have in my home for a meal or social visit. If they don't meet that criteria they don't make the list. All but one I have met in person first.

Eilan, you do offer here a reminder as to how much cross identity information should be visible through social media. I have witnessed, here at Lit, people using FB to attack on the outside world in a vicious and cruel way then waving their achievements around here to a blood lust mob. Enough information displayed in Lit postings, by the blood lust mob, to steer people to FB, email and home addresses and employers. Implied threats of bringing in FB postings here at Lit to diminish a poster's credibility.

A changing world from "we used to leave our front door open when we went out" to where I no longer list my phone number let alone address in directories due to past harassment. Yet we are constantly lured into offering up identity information on the Internet. So many online submission forms with required fields that I take great delight in putting random information in. If I buy downloadable software, they don't need my address, name, age, gender, income level or employment information. Of course the change is the anonymity this digital age allows, offering inflated sense of self-worth to otherwise cowards and miserable personalities.

 

[Ubernaught]

Eilan, you do offer here a reminder as to how much cross identity information should be visible through social media. I have witnessed, here at Lit, people using FB to attack on the outside world in a vicious and cruel way then waving their achievements around here to a blood lust mob. Enough information displayed in Lit postings, by the blood lust mob, to steer people to FB, email and home addresses and employers. Implied threats of bringing in FB postings here at Lit to diminish a poster's credibility.

A changing world from "we used to leave our front door open when we went out" to where I no longer list my phone number let alone address in directories due to past harassment. Yet we are constantly lured into offering up identity information on the Internet. So many online submission forms with required fields that I take great delight in putting random information in. If I buy downloadable software, they don't need my address, name, age, gender, income level or employment information. Of course the change is the anonymity this digital age allows, offering inflated sense of self-worth to otherwise cowards and miserable personalities.

Very well stated.

Another disturbing trend is employer's scouring social media for an applicant's history/trends/whatnot. If the employee has no social media presence, they are often deemed 'suspect'. Also employer's have tried to demand passwords so they can go through your social media accounts. What business do they have doing that? None. But it has fast become 'normal' to gather as much information as possible about people, demographic and personal (your software download's information requirements being a great example) and I believe it shall only become worse.

I certainly sympathize, Eilan, with what you went through. We all need to remember with face recognition software, gps on phones, applications on said phones that record all sorts of information on you and your movements, there is NO such thing as privacy anymore.

 

[Eilan]

I'm still trying to figure out exactly what I did that revealed my identity to him.

What was particularly disturbing to me was the guy's attitude upon finding me. He put my name in the subject line of the two messages he sent. The Cliffs Notes version is, "Oh, yay! You're open-minded! I never wanted to say it on Facebook, but you're smart and sexy and I've always wanted to fuck you, so now we can meet! PS: I've always wanted to fuck someone in your profession," followed by several dick pics and one funny-as-hell nude.

 

[NightL]

Ya - that is all kinds of fucked up

I'm still trying to figure out exactly what I did that revealed my identity to him.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I find almost everyone I search for, because we leave breadcrumb trails all over the internet, and I'm a natural born detective.

Our posts are like fingerprints and comparable with every other poster everywhere, so software can compare, sort, and list accounts that are likely the same person.

 

[Eilan]

Don't know what that last post says. Don't quote it. Kthxbai.

 

[Doog_kuron]

It's never happened to me, although there are people I know in RL who have at some point been a part of lit. I'm a little concerned they might log on and figure out who I really am. Another much more pressing fear I have is that my clients or staff some how stumble onto my identity here. But I think it unlikely.

If I discovered for instance a female acquaintance was a member here, though it might shift my perception of that person I would not assume that gives me special privilege to contact that person, let alone meet up to fuck. That's a terrible assumption to make.

 

[Eilan]

It's never happened to me, although there are people I know in RL who have at some point been a part of lit. I'm a little concerned they might log on and figure out who I really am. Another much more pressing fear I have is that my clients or staff some how stumble onto my identity here. But I think it unlikely.

If I discovered for instance a female acquaintance was a member here, though it might shift my perception of that person I would not assume that gives me special privilege to contact that person, let alone meet up to fuck. That's a terrible assumption to make.

.. . and that's almost exactly what happened. This former friend is someone that I met via a mutual friend, but we rarely interacted (though it's clear that he was perving my timeline and pics).

Before this had even happened, I was already mindful of audiences for my FB posts; I'll also be pruning my friends list accordingly. Most of my posts aren't accessible to everyone. My privacy settings are already pretty tight.

This was after an incident a couple of weeks ago (which was much more quickly and easily dealt with) in which a now-former FB friend that I had interacted with a reasonably fair amount decided to press me for nudes. I found out later that this is his MO; many of the women in our FB social circle report the same experience. He has also essentially bullied his wife into allowing him to send her pics to other men.

 

[Doog_kuron]

.. . and that's almost exactly what happened. This former friend is someone that I met via a mutual friend, but we rarely interacted (though it's clear that he was perving my timeline and pics).

Before this had even happened, I was already mindful of audiences for my FB posts; I'll also be pruning my friends list accordingly. Most of my posts aren't accessible to everyone. My privacy settings are already pretty tight.

This was after an incident a couple of weeks ago (which was much more quickly and easily dealt with) in which a now-former FB friend that I had interacted with a reasonably fair amount decided to press me for nudes. I found out later that this is his MO; many of the women in our FB social circle report the same experience. He has also essentially bullied his wife into allowing him to send her pics to other men.

Sounds like he had hopes on you for a while, then seen as something sexual assumed it gave him a right to approach you desiring more. Rather unfortunate but then judging from some of the posts I have seen on lit it doesn't seem so strange, though it continues to baffle me.

And what a strange fellow. If he wanted to see naked pictures of women the Internet is literally bursting at the seams with them. Indeed when I have to research something quite innocuous I get naked pictures like it or not. Sometimes in the most creative and disturbing of poses :/

 

[Bottomlover]

I'm still trying to figure out exactly what I did that revealed my identity to him.

It may have been your picture, some little detail in a post (or maybe 2 little details in different posts), something in your profile, or just your posting style that let him make the connection. It really doesn't matter; the problem is the asshat.

Nothing at all in what you write here would even remotely suggest that you are receptive to messages like the one he sent, so unless you have a completely different personae on other sites, you are dealing with someone who is just not all that bright.

 

[tanyachrs]

I once figured out that someone posting in the BDSM forum here was someone who posted in one of my sporting activity groups where we did sometimes meet IRL. I forget how, but once I realized it I could see how his user name in the other forum was a veiled reference. Well done, actually. Anyway, I just kept it to myself, which is the correct thing to do. That guy who contacted you is acting like an ass, and assholes are everywhere, not just online.

I've been startled recently to have Facebook suggest that I might know people I once worked with, with whom I have no friends in common. Obviously the Internet knows all the email addresses I've ever used and can probably make the connection between them, but I don't know how Facebook knows that. I haven't given FB permission to be in my email at all. Scary.

 

[crowfoot]

Well that's unfortunate! Sounds like your dealing with it the right way. I seriously hope he decides to leave you alone. If this had happened to me and the person was being a jerk. I think I would remind him that his actions could be considered to be stalking and that unless he wanted this information to be spread among his circle of people than he had better piss off! He has a lot to lose here too and if he doesn't get the hint I'd remind him. Jerk!

 

[Eilan]

It may have been your picture, some little detail in a post (or maybe 2 little details in different posts), something in your profile, or just your posting style that let him make the connection. It really doesn't matter; the problem is the asshat.

Nothing at all in what you write here would even remotely suggest that you are receptive to messages like the one he sent, so unless you have a completely different personae on other sites, you are dealing with someone who is just not all that bright.

I'm pretty much WSYIWYG here and on FB, so I'm inclined to agree with the bolded part.

Sounds like he had hopes on you for a while, then seen as something sexual assumed it gave him a right to approach you desiring more.

I think this is accurate. I met a (female) FB friend who was previously an online acquaintance in person back in August. After seeing the pic I posted of the two of us, this guy sent me a message saying that he'd like to meet me, I'm smart, strong, and sexy, etc. and ended it with "Not sure if we will ever meet?"

 

[Emerson40]

Eilan, I'll commiserate with y'all. I know of two people - one woman, one man, not connected - who had this kind of thing happen. Both ended up deleting and editing their online presence completely. Interestingly, when the gentleman modified his LinkedIn by replacing his pic with a logo and removing some personal info, he was contacted by clients asking if he was some sort of trouble (business-wise).

I hope the guy in your situation grows up and backs off.

Nothing at all in what you write here would even remotely suggest that you are receptive to messages like the one he sent, so unless you have a completely different personae on other sites, you are dealing with someone who is just not all that bright.

Not being bright is part of it, sure. Unfortunately, for some guys, the mere fact that she is woman is enough generate asshateous behaviour.



A while ago someone posted a link (possibly in the asshat PM thread) where some dude was sending unsolicited dick pics to a woman, who in turn found this guy's mother via his Facebook and forwarded his messages and pics to her. I thought this a brilliant bit of turnaround.

 

[Doog_kuron]

I've had the reverse happen to me where ladies I've met on lit have attempted to hunt me offline. Checking up on Facebook and LinkedIn etc. I had one girl I met online even email my secretary and ask her to keep an eye on me. Naturally I was pretty annoyed and vented on the forum about it. I get that people can be cynical about who you are, I'd imagine people have been burnt by the experience but I don't think there's a need for that. I'm open and honest, I don't see the point in lying about myself.

I like the woman's response to the dick pictures. I can mentally picture the phone call from his mother about it

 

[Eilan]

I blocked the guy on FB and on the other site (I also deactivated my profile on the other site). I also blocked him through my husband's FB. I may have my daughters block him as well, though, as I just pointed out to someone, if a 50-year-old man contacts my girls as a way to get to me, we're gonna have trouble. I also found him on Twitter and LinkedIn and blocked him there.

 

[Saucyminx]

I will commiserate my dear, and it sounds like you handled it in the best possible way.

PS: If you need my cousins to have a talk with the guy, just let me know.

 

[silverwhisper]

eilan, i'm truly sorry to hear about the problem you've been facing. that's always been a concern i've had as well--if you cast your mind back you may recall a particular reason or two. i guess that on the plus side, this shit for brains is considerably more innocuous than the alternatives?

and if that asshole tries to connect otherwise i'm pretty sure i know of a few ways to make him really regret it.

ed

 

[pplwatching]

I don't mean to hijack your thread, but I found this thread amusing, complete with hamsters. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) that board lets people delete their own posts, so parts are already gone.