When is the right time to jump in?

[Freya]

So for a complete newbie to this lifestyle, at what point do you just say, "ok it's time"? I mean, you can read, learn, ask questions, talk to people, know all the terms/vocabulary/safewords/definitions/etc. But at some point, you have to take the step right? Dip your toe into the pool in a real sense? How the hell do you know it's that time? How do you know you've learned enough to be safe?

When did others make that move?

 

[MissTaken]

You guess.
You suppose.
You hope.
You feel ready.

It is different for all of us, but depending on what resources are available to you, you may make an entirely different decision than any one person here.

If you have access to a local munch group, I would suggest joining the group on line, making a few friends. just friends, who would accompany you to a munch. This is something I wish I had had the opportunity to do before ever engaging.

You could post a personals ad at one of the BDSM matchmaking sites. If you do that, I would recommend trodding carefully, believing your gut instinct when it is twisting and turning and moving cautiously forward when things feel good. By chatting with Dom's and subs, you will get a sense for how to recognize what type of person you are talking with adn learn to recognize the "players."

Always be sure to be honest and open, especially about your experience and your limits. Look for inconsistencies in messages, attempts to control yuo before you are ready and use your good judgement.

Also, pm me if you ever want to just chat about it.

hugs

 

[rosco rathbone]

All that terms vocabulary shit is nothing but a hangup, dood.

You meet someone and you can't keep your hands off of them. You want to back them into a corner, slam them up against the wall and snarl "now you shall recieve a lesson in the joys of black philosophy" in their ear.

If the chemistry is not there, all the words in the world won't help.

 

[rosco rathbone]

corollary:

"it" won't neccesarily start off with any kind of internet, research, BDSM, website, "Different Loving", terminology, etc official, easily recognized beginning. It's a feeling, a sweat and a desperation. When you get there, you'll know it.

 

[rosco rathbone]

corollary to the corollary:

And, despite what men will tell you in order to impress you with their skills and their caringness and their daddyness.......I can't see how this shit could ever be basically "safe". Violence lies at its core. This is not a popular opinion. Avoid those you distrust. Listen to your gut. Life is risk, jump in.

 

[MissTaken]

And yes, when it comes down to meeting someone face to face, if he doesn't make your heart race, make you laugh, make you feel hot, comfortable, uncomfortable , anxious, horny and wonderful all at the same time, take a call and get the flock out!




Chemistry...

Oh yes! rosco, you are so right.

 

[WriterDom]

I think first you have to define what kind of experience you are looking for. To find someone to scene with is easy, and relatively safe if you do your homework. Looking for a Knight on a white stallion to whisk you up and live happily ever after can get you in trouble. There are predators on every internet corner. The munch path is probably the best if you have one close by.

 

[P. B. Walker]

I wish I knew some answers but I'm in the same boat pretty much. But I'm too shy to just go to a munch group... if they even exist around here... I assume they do. I'm just hoping it'll magically smack me in the face one day. LMAO

Anyhoo... I'll keep watching this space.

PBW

 

[rosco rathbone]

I think first you have to define what kind of experience you are looking for. To find someone to scene with is easy, and relatively safe if you do your homework. Looking for a Knight on a white stallion to whisk you up and live happily ever after can get you in trouble. There are predators on every internet corner. The munch path is probably the best if you have one close by.

With all due respect, Mr Dom, I feel that the ol' "There are Predators Everywhere" thing is a bunch of straight-up bologna, usually the preface to the "You need ME to protect you baby" line of BS. Sure, there are predators. They also have them in bars, grills, Jewish singles functions, corporate BBQs and mall parking lots. No need to go scaring the ladies off with this self serving (nothing personal) big daddy crap-0-la. Any sensible person who has survived long enough to be asking this kind of internet question is able to take responsibilty for their own safety; no scare stories neccesary.

(sorry, personal beef)

 

[WriterDom]

That's what I hear from the subs on the front lines. I have no interest in protecting Freya. Except to say if she doesn't want to blow a homeless person she should stay away from you.

With all due respect, Mr Dom, I feel that the ol' "There are Predators Everywhere" thing is a bunch of straight-up bologna, usually the preface to the "You need ME to protect you baby" line of BS. Sure, there are predators. They also have them in bars, grills, Jewish singles functions, corporate BBQs and mall parking lots. No need to go scaring the ladies off with this self serving (nothing personal) big daddy crap-0-la. Any sensible person who has survived long enough to be asking this kind of internet question is able to take responsibilty for their own safety; no scare stories neccesary.

(sorry, personal beef)

 

[rosco rathbone]

Homeless? Surely you jest. I am an accredited Diesel Mechanic living in a very respectable Furnished Room down by the switchyard.

"subs on the front lines" giggle

 

[WriterDom]

Homeless? Surely you jest. I am an accredited Diesel Mechanic living in a very respectable Furnished Room down by the switchyard.

I didn't call you homeless. I was just warning her of your fantasy. It's no joke

To make my lover blow a bum has always been a fantasy of mine and that is absolutely no joke.

 

[rosco rathbone]

I didn't call you homeless. I was just warning her of your fantasy. It's no joke

Ah, I misunderstood. Yes, you are very right, I dream of forcing women to service the homeless, amongst others. However, I am quite upfront about this-anyone finding themselves involved with me, swallowing homeless seed and having a bad time, has only themselves to blame.

 

[A Desert Rose]

I met a man over 2 years ago, Freya who apparently saw in me what I did not know was there.

He was a Dom at the time, long before I ever even understood or uttered that word. I owe him a great deal.

 

[MissTaken]

That brings about a great point, Desert Rose.

If you are interested in meeting men in the lifestyle, you have to get to know them as men first, Dom's second.

Well, at least that is my thinking!



No offense intended, guys.

 

[zipman]

With all due respect, Mr Dom, I feel that the ol' "There are Predators Everywhere" thing is a bunch of straight-up bologna, usually the preface to the "You need ME to protect you baby" line of BS. Sure, there are predators. They also have them in bars, grills, Jewish singles functions, corporate BBQs and mall parking lots. No need to go scaring the ladies off with this self serving (nothing personal) big daddy crap-0-la. Any sensible person who has survived long enough to be asking this kind of internet question is able to take responsibilty for their own safety; no scare stories neccesary.

(sorry, personal beef)

The difference between the groups you mentioned and finding a Dom is that nobody is going to tie you up in "bars, grills, Jewish singles functions, corporate BBQs and mall parking lots."

The inherent danger of BDSM is the power exchange that lies at it's core. Unlike you, I think that power exchange and not violence is what it's all about.

Since I am not here to hook up, I don't see how these comments can be interpreted as "big daddy crap-0-la."


When Freya is ready, she will be ready, but reminding her of a few basic safety tips is not in any way self-serving.

 

[rosco rathbone]

I can dig it , Zip. My bone to pick is this:

Presumably, any able minded female in this post feminist age can take care of herself, especially someone sucking up all the BDSM knowledge available online. The idea that people need these "safety tips" is, you must admit, at least partially motivated by the desire of the tipgiver to appear nurturing, safe, and bigg daddy esque.

Yes by all means, let us be safe, sane, and consensual, folks. After all, it is the only way. Let us also admit that anyone frequenting a BDSM forum in this day and age, and admitting powerful curiosity, has heard all this shit a million times.

Yeah baby, I'll take care of you. I won't hurt you, unlike those other scary online perverts.

See you at the munch.

 

[A Desert Rose]

I agree with Mr.Zip and MissT.

I don't see violence involved in my relationship at all.

Knowing the man first is very important- as MissT says.

The time is right for you now, if this is what you want in your life. Knowing all the terms and styles of D/s is really not important. Learning *THE* D/s that is right for you and your partner is what it is all about. You only learn that by doing... not by studying it... with the right Dom.

 

[zipman]

I can dig it , Zip. My bone to pick is this:

Presumably, any able minded female in this post feminist age can take care of herself, especially someone sucking up all the BDSM knowledge available online. The idea that people need these "safety tips" is, you must admit, at least partially motivated by the desire of the tipgiver to appear nurturing, safe, and bigg daddy esque.

Yes by all means, let us be safe, sane, and consensual, folks. After all, it is the only way. Let us also admit that anyone frequenting a BDSM forum in this day and age, and admitting powerful curiosity, has heard all this shit a million times.

Yeah baby, I'll take care of you. I won't hurt you, unlike those other scary online perverts.

See you at the munch.

And here's where I disagree. You can read all the online crap you want to, but I think that there are women who are interested in this lifestyle who feel that they have to do what a Dom says at the first meeting. Or they rush things and put themselves at risk.

I couldn't give a shit if I seem nurturing or not, and SSC is great if that's what you want. My point is that I think that a new sub should know wome basic safety pointers. The Dom's here are pretty nice and supportive by and large, but there are others out there who are not.

How can it be wrong to advise a sub to:
- not scene the first time meeting a prospective Dom
- discuss and agree to limits before sceneing
- not to include full bondage in a first meeting

etc. etc. etc. After that, she is a big girl and can make whatever decisions she chooses, including ignoring all safety and saying what the fuck.

And do you mean the Jan Lit get-together or some other munch?

 

[A Desert Rose]

Absolutely, Zip and those warnings are really mostly common sense. It is always worthwhile to reiterate those warnings to all newbies.

I think that Freya was asking something a bit different in her opening thread, however. I could be wrong, though.

 

[Freya]

Hi again. Wow this question made for some interesting discussion.

Thanks all for your opinions - I think every one of you had something important to offer.

Rosco - chemistry is very important to me always. If that "slam me against the wall" feeling isn't there, I might as well fuck a broom stick for all I'd get out of it. And while I don't believe that knowing the score is overrated, I do think that people can tend to delve so deep into that aspect that they miss out on all the rest of what could be happening. I guess that's the reason for my question.

WD - thanks for the warnings. I like to think of myself as pretty smart (most times), but I'm sure that a good portion of people who have been preyed upon online, and elsewhere, also thought they were. And I think I'll take that advice - I'm not too interested in blowing a bum.

MissT - I guess it all comes down to a sense then? That the time is right - the person is right?

ADR - For me, it's been a sense for some time now, and it's come more to the forefront recently. Now it's just a matter of deciding when to take that step into reality.

PBW - you and I need to do this together, me thinks.

 

[WriterDom]

Yes by all means, let us be safe, sane, and consensual, folks. After all, it is the only way.

Am I the only person here who thinks you are completely full of shit? Which is fine on Topdopealus.

 

[rosco rathbone]

I was kidding about the munch thing. My over-subtle sense of hyooma at work. However, if you or any other party peeple from this area are gonna be at the big lit thingie, it would be my duty and pleasure to purchase you an alchoholic beverage; or a soy milk as you see fit.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Am I the only person here who thinks you are completely full of shit? Which is fine on Topdopealus.

Your radar is scary, dood.

 

[P. B. Walker]

PBW - you and I need to do this together, me thinks.

You wanna be my first victim huh? just teasin.

Lemme finish reading all those links about knots that Wizard posted... <eg>. There are some very uhmm... cool pics there btw.

PBW "Awww shit... I can't get this knot out... oh no... you mother is at the door..." <--- definition of a dilema