When is an online relationship more than online?

[coffee nips]

So, I am addicted to being on the internet. It is fun, it is safe, it is relatively annonymous. I have made some really nice friends both male and female on the net. I've even talked to a few of them on the phone. One in particular is a really great guy. I visit with him several times a week on the phone as well as the net. Over time, we have opened up to each other and slowly gotten to know one another. We exchange gifts at birthdays and other holidays.

My question is fairly simple, yet I do not have an answer for it. When is an online relationship not "online" anymore? Is it when you find out each other's real names, not the alias that you go buy on a board such as Lit? Is it when you share intimate details about your life? Is it when you talk on the phone?

Tell me what you think. Is there a line? Is it black and white or several shades of gray? When does it change from being online to "more?"

 

[Eilan]

My question is fairly simple, yet I do not have an answer for it. When is an online relationship not "online" anymore? Is it when you find out each other's real names, not the alias that you go buy on a board such as Lit? Is it when you share intimate details about your life? Is it when you talk on the phone?

Tell me what you think. Is there a line? Is it black and white or several shades of gray? When does it change from being online to "more?"

These are good questions, ones that I've been thinking about recently as well.

I suppose one could argue that once people have talked to each other on the phone, the friendship isn't entirely an online friendship. There are people on Lit who know my real first name, but I don't have any interactions with them outside of Lit, so I don't consider the relationship to be anything but an online one. I've shared various details of my life with people I've met online, but I still consider the relationship "online only" because chances are, I'll never meet them in person.

Other people's mileage, of course, may vary.

 

[wicked woman]

'Online' is just a method of communication. I'm not sure it can describe/define a relationship. A relationship that is carried on 'online' can be anything from the most simple to the most complex. I don't think it matters what you disclose...it's not the content but the means of communication.

 

[SweetErika]

So, I am addicted to being on the internet. It is fun, it is safe, it is relatively annonymous. I have made some really nice friends both male and female on the net. I've even talked to a few of them on the phone. One in particular is a really great guy. I visit with him several times a week on the phone as well as the net. Over time, we have opened up to each other and slowly gotten to know one another. We exchange gifts at birthdays and other holidays.

My question is fairly simple, yet I do not have an answer for it. When is an online relationship not "online" anymore? Is it when you find out each other's real names, not the alias that you go buy on a board such as Lit? Is it when you share intimate details about your life? Is it when you talk on the phone?

Tell me what you think. Is there a line? Is it black and white or several shades of gray? When does it change from being online to "more?"

I agree with Eilan...great questions!

For me, there are definitely shades of gray. If I'm talking on the phone and exchanging gifts with someone, I'd probably just consider it some kind of long-distance relationship. I definitely feel it's real-life when we're concretely planning on, or have met.

But I have had one experience that became more than online, even when it was just chatting and occassional phone calls. We chatted and e-mailed almost daily for months, came to know each other extremely well, and eventually developed feelings. We had our share of misunderstandings, problems, and emotions. It felt very real well before we had solid plans to meet (I think some of that also came from using webcams when we chatted and talked on the phone, even though we just watched each other work). Meeting simply confirmed and cemented what we had online. We've only met once because we're separated by a few hundred miles, but it's about as real as any relationship is; we just communicate/interact a little differently due to the distance. At this point, I can definitely see the friendship continuing this way for many years to come, and that seems like a realistic expectation (unlike, "We've talked online a lot for a few months and will be friends/together forever!").

Now that I'm thinking about it, maybe one of the criteria for me is that the person's not so anonymous that I know they (or I) could just up and disappear one day without a word. When there are phone numbers, real names, addresses, knowledge, and feelings, it's harder to slip away. Sure, even real-life friends lose touch and have falling outs, but there's a sense of security and "more" in having all of that information and less anonymous interaction.

 

[Noor]

'Online' is just a method of communication. I'm not sure it can describe/define a relationship. A relationship that is carried on 'online' can be anything from the most simple to the most complex. I don't think it matters what you disclose...it's not the content but the means of communication.

I agree, the medium of the communication is irrelevant.

 

[bisexplicit]

Well, an online relationship, to me, is when that is the only way you communicate with someone. Even if you know first names, you're incredibly intimate, whatever...

In order to switch it to a "real life" relationship, you must do things with them in real life.

And by the way, why does it matter?

 

[coffee nips]

All excellent responses so far, thank you!

And by the way, why does it matter?

My opening question is just a foundation for more questions based on this whole "internet relationship" idea.

Truth be told, I am having some issues right now that I am finding extremely difficult to deal with. I'm talking feelings here!

In my instance, I have known and conversed this man for a bit over a year and to me, have crossed that "online" line to something more than just chatting or bantering on a discussion board. The problem is, now that we 'know' each other and, to some extent are part of each others lives in a tangible way (no, we have never met), have I lost that mystique of being a mysterious woman online?

The reason I ask this is because I find that online, his interests have shifted and to be quite frank, I am feeling (searching for the right word), unwanted maybe with a twinge of envy thrown in. (or more than a twinge).

Thoughts? Ideas? Ways to keep my sanity?



Thank you all for your replies, I always enjoy reading all of your thoughts here on the HT Cafe.

 

[M's girl]

The reason I ask this is because I find that online, his interests have shifted and to be quite frank, I am feeling (searching for the right word), unwanted maybe with a twinge of envy thrown in. (or more than a twinge).

Thoughts? Ideas? Ways to keep my sanity?

I recognize this feeling. I don't have many online-relationships or friends or whatever. But M and I met this way. Maybe we started out differently, because he reacted to an ad I placed, so we both knew from the start it could lead to a relationship. In the first few weeks we only communicated online and over the phone. When you don't know someone in real life, at least that is my experience, you sometimes don't know how to interpret silences and certain remarks. This sometimes made me insecure and I soon learned the feeling was mutual. Of course we met in real life after a few weeks so my example is a bit different from yours, but I'm certain I would have had the same feelings you seem to have. I would say it is time for the two of you to meet, no matter what that meeting results in. Once you have looked him in the eyes, see how he behaves when you are together, you really get to know each other.

This is a scary process.... at least it was for M and me. We liked each other sooo much from what we shared online and over the phone (and we had shared pictures etc) that we were scared as hell to meet. We talked a lot about our first meeting and what we would do if it turned out to be a disappointment. But above all we so hoped it would be as good as what we shared online.

It was. We are together for almost one and a half year now.

 

[silverwhisper]

personally, i view online relationships a bit differently than RL relationships.

for me, forming a friendship w/ someone i know online through a discussion forum is both easier and harder than through someone w/ whom i interact in a non-online manner. on a forum, there's usually a lot of playful banter, but there's also discussion of substantive matters, matters of interest to each of us. but IMX, people are a lot more willing to be honest (and downright rude at times) online than otherwise. maybe it's just that, devoid of being able to read someone else's body language or vocal inflections, we have none of the cues that normally tell us "hey, you might wanna shut up now".

whatever the case, IMV you get a fuller, more complete view of someone's opinions, assuming that the person in question isn't deliberately crafting a false persona, a phenomenon i've unfortunately witnessed twice to my knowledge, by the same person.

i've formed genuine friendships w/ some folks i got to know online. i speak (phone calls) with 2 of them at least once/day, and a few more of them at least weekly. it helps of course that we all use the same mobile phone carrier and hence none of us are charged for our calls. :>

when is a relationship no longer online anymore? to me, that happens when the primary method of interaction isn't online.

ed

 

[phoenix1224]

Simply, an "online" relationship can no loger be considered "online" when you no longer limit it to being soley online.

If you're talking on the phone and exchanging gifts, it's no longer soley online.

 

[Ezzy]

The reason I ask this is because I find that online, his interests have shifted and to be quite frank, I am feeling (searching for the right word), unwanted maybe with a twinge of envy thrown in. (or more than a twinge).

Thoughts? Ideas? Ways to keep my sanity?

Have his interests shifted to something you are unable or unwilling to include in your interests?

Is this change in his apparent interests a change or is this new area of interest an old area that he covered up when you first met (online) and he has gone back to it?

The evolving nature of the relationship is just that, evolving. If it is going to areas you don't like or are not comfortable with, then you need to increase the communication about the why's and the wherefores of your feelings.

There are some programs for surfing in company, like surfing with IM attached, they have had them for a few years and I haven't tried one so I can't comment on the use of them or on a good one for you, I took the same way M's Girl did and started a 5800 mile LDR' and we will have been married 5 years in February.

You either have to work at getting together or work at starting another relationship with someone you can get together with.

The joyously issues is one you have to remove from the equation if at all possible, jealousy is a destructive force on a relationship, once it gets past the useful part of making you move towards common ground to maintain or improve the relationship.

 

[manofsteel52]

So, I am addicted to being on the internet. It is fun, it is safe, it is relatively annonymous. I have made some really nice friends both male and female on the net. I've even talked to a few of them on the phone. One in particular is a really great guy. I visit with him several times a week on the phone as well as the net. Over time, we have opened up to each other and slowly gotten to know one another. We exchange gifts at birthdays and other holidays.

My question is fairly simple, yet I do not have an answer for it. When is an online relationship not "online" anymore? Is it when you find out each other's real names, not the alias that you go buy on a board such as Lit? Is it when you share intimate details about your life? Is it when you talk on the phone?

Tell me what you think. Is there a line? Is it black and white or several shades of gray? When does it change from being online to "more?"

For me, I think it's pretty straigh forward. Online is simply and only that. As long as all the facets of the relationship are on the internet, it's online. Those aspects of the relationship that develop off the internet are something more. Just how much more is up to the individuals to decide. Those various incremental increases are the shades of gray until if/when an actual physical relationship develops.

 

[midwestyankee]

It seems to me that one of the underlying concerns whenever someone asks about the boundaries of online relationships (not necessarily in the case that initiated this thread, but possibly it's a factor here) is the notion that somehow online relationships are less real than those which we form in person. Though my online experience is limited almost exclusively to Lit and a couple of auto enthusiast bulletin boards, it has been my experience that so-called online relationships are every bit as real as the rest.

Now, to address the questions that initiated the thread. Coffee nips, in your first post you mention that you and your male friend are in touch regularly by phone. Clearly you have established a deeper relationship with him than is possible simply by interacting on the public areas of a bulletin board. That's why your second post puzzles me a little. There you said,

The reason I ask this is because I find that online, his interests have shifted and to be quite frank, I am feeling (searching for the right word), unwanted maybe with a twinge of envy thrown in. (or more than a twinge).

and this makes me wonder if you are drawing conclusions about his feelings for you based on the nature of his posts or from the patterns you see in his posting.

While it's possible to accurately pick up on another's mood based on his posting habits - or a change in them - isn't it better simply to ask him about it when you're on the phone? Tell him what you have noticed and ask him if there is any significance to it. I may be misreading you here, so please forgive me if I am. I know it may be difficult to raise the question if you think that you might here that he wants your relationship to end, but in the long run it's better to face the things you fear than to continue living in fear of them.

You will see it over and over here in HT: communication is the lifeblood of a relationship. No matter where or how two people meet, talking between the partners is crucial to the long-term success of the relationship.

 

[coffee nips]

It seems to me that one of the underlying concerns whenever someone asks about the boundaries of online relationships (not necessarily in the case that initiated this thread, but possibly it's a factor here) is the notion that somehow online relationships are less real than those which we form in person.

This is an interesting comment. Although, I don't personally feel this way, I can see how some might conclude that just because a person is on a message board, or behind the guise of an alias, that they are not real people. I don't share that thought. In my case it is almost a reversal from that statement. To me, this is as real as it could be without meeting face to face. We are all real people with real feelings behind our silly names and avatars.

I really shouldn't be jealous, I know that. After all, we are friends. It is just hard not to when things have changed (in regards to the "online" part).

Thank you all for your responses.

 

[SaraClarisse]

My first serious romantic relationships started out as online relationships. For me, the status of "online relationship" or "having an internet boyfriend" only changed once I'd met him in person and we decided we still desired each other.

When he or I went back home after our visits, the primary medium of communication was still the internet, cards and notes, and the occasional phonecall. But I still considered it a real-life/long distance relationship because we'd met in person.

In an online relationship, the other person was still only a construct I fantasized from his text, his ideas, his voice, some scattered digital photographs. Meeting in reality created a very primal change of status -- we desired each others' physical bodies, scents, movements, techniques, and the pleasure of just hanging out doing mundane, nonsexual things in each others' space. We enjoyed each other in reality, so it became an "RL/LD" relationship.

I agree that online relationships can be very real and compelling. I guess to me, though, it came down to "real" vs. "reality." The arousal one man made me feel over the internet was very real, as was the intelligence and imagination he conveyed. But in reality, I couldn't deal with his uncleanliness, tardiness, and lack of responsibility. We had a real, compelling online relationship, and a real-life relationship -- but the real-life relationship ended up being very short.

 

[ickle_stace]

i don't think a relationship is a real life one until you meet a person

I've spoken to guys online, I've been myself, we've swapped pics etc, and we've both decided to meet, and we've actually said to each other we'll be disappointed if nothing comes of it, but then we've met, and its just not been the same as it was online, and we just end up friends

 

[LadyPolgara]

My online relationship is definatly more than online. We have just bought a house together having been together 2years.We met via a online dating agency, chatted online for a few months then met up. And the rest they say is history.

 

[daisey69]

Becoming 'close' with someone from online is a very scarry thing. I am very much comforted by the bit of 'saftey bubble' that you can get from the net. It is so much easier to 'let go' on line and not worry what others may think of you, because of the chance of ever meeting them is so slim.

For some reason I have just run in a stretch of people who have scarred the hell out of me and had kept me awya from the computer from Fall of last year until Feb.

My comfort zone must need to he huge.

 

[InsaneWolf]

It stops being online when you make contact other than online
once you talk on the phone its no longer online
I met my ex gf online and we eventually met some 8 months later ,true she turned out to be a psycho obessive bitch when I dumped her for someone else some 5 years later...but hell its not like I was married to her and life goes on

 

[KinkyDaisy]

My guy and i met in a chat room. I was drawn to his voice .. and even though he is someone i probably would not have sought after in a real life situation .. i was compelled to introduce myself. We chatted online for a few months and then he called me on my Birthday. We ended up talking for 6 hours that day. We became fast friends and talked by phone every day for a year.

Time, other commitments, and life in general drew us apart for a few years but we kept in contact with emails and a phone call here and there. We always looked to each other when life dealt us a card we didnt know how to play. Knowing each other so well .. we both felt the other was the only person in this world that we could be 100% open and honest with .. good, bad, ugly, shameful, sinful .. whatever. LOL

He was deployed last year and i spent the entire time he was in Iraq on edge and (somewhat reluctantly) came to realize how much he meant to me. Last fall he sent me some silly email .. one of those joke link things and i happened to be online. I told him to give me a call. We have been "together" again ever since. We finally met last January after almost 6 years of friendship. I took 3 months off to go down and stay with him. I had the time of my life .. and he has shown me how good life can really be.

Nothing in the world has ever been so real to me. I know him better than i will ever know anyone .. and he now helps carry some of my childhood secrets that i could never have shared with anyone in "real" life. He is my soul mate.

I used to be embarrassed to admit that we met "online". It seemed cheap and somehow not real. Ive come to realize that there are few "real life" relationships that can match the level of intimacy that we have achieved. When sex and physical attraction are not in the way .. you tend to take pleasure in the little gestures and feelings that i feel get missed in a hot and heavy, new RL relationship.

The sex is the best ever also because before he ever touched me .. he knew intimately what drove me wild. When we finally did touch .. it was so familiar and comforting that i cried like a baby.

Please dont spend all the years i did stuck on labeling your relationship. Just connect with him and see where life takes you. It sounds like you are already way past "an online thing" anyways.

Good Luck, hon .. I hope things work out the way you want them to.

 

[Valley Lilly]

A friend of mine met his boyfriend through the net. They're meeting eachother in July.

 

[His_pita]

Interesting take on the online topic. I met my Joe here on Lit just over a year ago. We were online by this threads view point for about a day and half then moved into a relationship. It went to phone to plans for a future. 10 months after our first PM he came and picked me up and we have been living blissfully together for almost 2 months now.

 

[hdlynnette]

Now that I'm thinking about it, maybe one of the criteria for me is that the person's not so anonymous that I know they (or I) could just up and disappear one day without a word. When there are phone numbers, real names, addresses, knowledge, and feelings, it's harder to slip away. Sure, even real-life friends lose touch and have falling outs, but there's a sense of security and "more" in having all of that information and less anonymous interaction.

I like what you're saying here, Erika. The phone numbers, real names, addresses...that makes the relationship real to me.

In light of the sad news of 69Forever passing away today I got to wondering if something tragic were to happen to one of my online friends, how would I know? Or if something happened to me, how would these friends that care to know find out what's going on with me. It's not like they can call me at home, my husband would make all kinds of assumptions. A member of a AOL group I'm in has collected links to each group members local paper, so if, God forbid something happened to one of the members, he can search those papers. This may not be the right place to pose this question, and forgive me if it is, but have any of you made some kind of arrangement to let your online friends know if something should happen to you? If so, what are those arrangements?

 

[wicked woman]

I like what you're saying here, Erika. The phone numbers, real names, adresses...that makes the relationship real to me.

In light of the sad news of 69Forever passing away today I got to wondering if something tragic were to happen to one of my online friends, how would I know? Or if something happened to me, how would these friends that care to know find out what's going on with me. It's not like they can call me at home, my husband would make all kinds of assumptions. A member of a AOL group I'm in has collected links to each group members local paper, so if, God forbid something happened to one of the members, he can search those papers. This may not be the right place to pose this question, and forgive me if it is, but have any of you made some kind of arrangement to let your online friends know if something should happen to you? If so, what are those arrangements?

Good question....

My contact list includes all my friends/acquaintances, including online only ones, with a notation beside them stating who is to be contacted and how, so my family may contact those I'd like them to.

 

[daisey69]

OMG. Some how I must have missed the post about 69forever. There will be a void here now