When incest just ain't fun any more

[Endlessly]

You know, I'm really getting sick of seeing my father masturbating to perfectly innocent old videos of me. It sounds good, in the stories and all, but when it actually happens it's really kind of sickening.

My father doesn't know I've seen him; once I walked downstairs unawares and he didn't know I saw his penis out-- he was just looking at old videos to see what he could record over, he said-- and the other time, I was at the top of the stairs and he didn't see me.

He makes pretty lewd comments when he's drunk; the look in his eyes when he looks at me makes me feel cheap. Just talking about it makes me want to bathe in acid or something, I feel so contaminated. If I have to put up with this much longer, I swear on everything that's holy I'm going to kill one of us.

I'm moving out-of-state for college at the end of the summer, so the longest I have to put up with this is until the very end of August.. But I just don't think I'll make it that long. I can't turn him in-- he hasn't touched me-- but I can't live like this either. I mean, sweet Jesus, I just stopped mutiliating myself a few months ago, I don't need this kind of stress.

I've got enough money for a plane ticket and a free place to crash should I leave for my college city early, but I'd be absolutely peniless when I got down there, no transportation to get a job and no money for food until I do get a job. I'm so stuck it makes me want to scream and cry.

I don't know why I'm ranting like this.. Rodrigo told me to tell someone, so-- well, this is me telling someone.

Funny, I don't feel any better. I don't think I will until I'm out of here one way or another-- in cuffs, a pine box, or an airplane. Hopefully, the latter. The odds are pretty against it though.

Oh, new address.. I don't know how much time I'll have to check responses to this thread, but I do check my mail.. doublesidedsaint@lovergirl.com

Thanks for listening.



PS: If you have no clue who the fuck I am.. Howdy. I'm Endlessly.

 

[Angel]

Hey, you know where to find me if you need to talk, sweetie I'm sorry about all of this, though I know sorries won't help - an ear will.


Write or IM ok?

 

[scylis]

a bad note to welcome you back on, to be sure...

 

[Laurel]

you have mail.

 

[Siren]

Awe Endlessly this is just awful

 

[Cheyenne]

Re: Awe Endlessly this is just awful

I say dont wait, get out NOW.

Your relationship with your father is already damaged beyond repair by this.....
leave before something terrible happens to you when he is drunk....
this is a dangerous situation.

email me if you want.
I am very concerned for you.

Ditto. Lots of women are raped by men that they know. Please don't give your father the chance to be drunk and do something stupid with you. All the "I'm sorry's" in the world won't help you at that point.

I remember you struggling with your religious background- go to your new city and go to a church for help if you can. Borrow money for food if you have to. Visit food banks. Find a job as soon as you can. Do anything you have to, but leave home now.

 

[CW]

Endlessly,,,that sucks

As others have said, get out now. I also know that is most likely easier said than done.

But consider a train or bus instead of flying as a way to conserve some funds. I have no idea where your college city is in relation to where you are, so maybe that's not an option. But, if it is, it may bear looking into. Churches are a good place for support in temporary funds and jobs.

Incest in any shape or form is not cool,,, even the thought of the possiblity staggers me.



Wishing you all the best.

 

[BlondGirl]

Re: Awe Endlessly this is just awful

I say dont wait, get out NOW.

Your relationship with your father is already damaged beyond repair by this.....
leave before something terrible happens to you when he is drunk....
this is a dangerous situation.

She has already stated her knowledge of how dangerous this is. It is rather insulting to tell someone to get out but not give them options.
I have been stuck and desperate in my past and can relate partially.

The food bank idea is a good one, but (honestly) if she is a white single female, she is much more likely to be discrininated against there. (I am a single white female and experienced the racism that is so prevalent among the impoverished and toward teh impoverished.)
If you attend church now, go to your pastor and tell him/her the situation--pastors cna grease squeaky wheels to get things done.
I also suggest you purchase a lock for the bedroom door--maybe even a screecher alarm (with the tweezer trigger) for your own peace of mind while you are still there.
If you can get into a free women's self defense class, do it now-here they are everywhere or cost 10$ depending on where--call a couple of karate places and inquire. This might be some knowledge that saves your ass.
If you can get rid of those videos that he is watching, do it--if he is feeding his sickness, it will only grow.
Be as unavailable as possible.
How far away is college going to be? Do you have a vehicle? Do you have a tent? Even camping in one of our nations great state parks for a while could be wonderful (and cheap)--I have had the park rangers let me stay on out of niceness before--that could be an option for part of the time. I think it is around 8 bucks to camp for a tent site and park admision. Some places are $5 (this includes water, elec, and the hiking path to the bathroom/showers). I got a great tent at walmart for 30$--a smaller one is available for 20$--depends on the volume of your crap/stuff.
Will you be living in the dorms on campus or in an apt? Do you qualify for scholarships and loans? See the finanical officer ASAP if you have not already.
Go to the college library (any college library) and go through the books on college funds and scholarships. My sister found one once for blonds. It was a joke, but that 50$ sure helped. Many scholarship contests require that you write an essay. Go for it. It will help you to hone your skills for college anyway and if you win, yay!
Go ahead and get a P.O. box where you will be living --change your address now. You do not want any mail continuing to go to that house when you are gone. Especially the previously mentioned money issues.
Is there any family you can go "visit"? Old friends? This might be a good time to "sow your wild oats and travel a bit" to kill time before school.
Good luck. I hope maybe one or two of the suggestions is helpful. If you have to continue to stay there, then be gone as much as possible.

 

[Earthgoddess]

Get out asap-email me if I can be of any help.

 

[Endlessly]

Man.. okay.. Jesus, if anyone I know reads this BB, they're going to know it's me after I write this. I've gotta password-protect my computer.

Thank you ALL for your love and support.. I wasn't expecting so many responses. This isn't the kind of thing you usually see on the board, ya'no? Blond girl-- thanks for the wealth of ideas in your response.

The problem is, as they used to say, that it's all about the money, honey. I need a job to finish paying for last semester of college-- $300 a month payments. My parents are cutting off all financial support when I move, because they're so irked about me leaving arm's reach.. I'm sure you can see why I'm doing it though.

I havea $200 plane voucher from a bad trip this winter, so flying is pretty much the cheapest part of the whole deal. My singificant other, who I'd be staying with in the time between getting down there and school starting, is furious and gnawing off his own leg in frustration-- he's massively broke, and while he's MORE than happy to give me emotional support and a place to live, he just can't afford to pay living expenses for two people. He's in the military, so his are already taken care of.

I'm moving from Montana to Alabama.. But I'm at a temp position that's going to be letting me go to hire a "real" person in two weeks, and I'm making more money now per hour than any other resident of my town that I've ever met-- $6.50. (We have a depressed economy.) So to pay $300 a month to my college and still pay for food temporarily and save enough for my $200 security deposit on my dorm room..

It's impossible.

My Pastor would be the last person to go to.. He thinks the sun rises and sets on my father, who happens to be a deacon in our church. Lord only knows how that happened. I'm a brown belt in Karate, but my father just plain scares me too much. He's twice my size and scares me like no one else on this planet. We aren't allowed to lock doors in this house, and even if we were, I don't have the money to buy a lock. My mother wouldn't believe me-- my father is above reproach on honesty, in her eyes.

I've never felt so helpless in my life.. It really makes me ill.

 

[lavender]

 

[KillerMuffin]

The steel jaws of the trap do snap shut tightly.

Do you think he's going to do anything to you? Has he set it up in his head that he has some sort of "deadline" before you leave to make his fantasies come true? Or is he more the sort to let it kinda pass. This is during sobriety.

Is he a mean drunk or a happy drunk? And yes, drunk men will rape their daughters and never remember doing so and will, at the time, think it's not only a peachy keen idea, but think that their daughters want it to. In fact, their whole reasoning will be "she must want it, she's been twitching her tail around me for years in all those tight clothes and in her PJs."

There are places you can go for help, other than pastors. You can contact any abused women's shelter and they will point you to the most likely source. You can contact AA, yes, they will help you too. So will Al-Anon, which is for family.

And to answer your question, yes, you have been sexually abused. No, it wasn't as bad as what people like me went through, but it is still sexual abuse by a parent and it still hurts like a motherfucker. And know this, if given the opportunity, he WILL act on it.

If you have to stay home until it's time to leave, do not remain by yourself in the house with him, particularly at night. If your mother goes out, go with her. If she won't let you go with her, go to a friends house, go bowling, go to the library and study.

Some proactive measures. Never touch him again. In any way shape or form. Do not come within 5 feet of him. If he comes down the hallway when you're leaving it, back into your room and wait for him to pass. Dress down, and if you must dress up to go on a date, try to prevent him from seeing it. Keep yourself between the front door between and him. The first bit of it sends in clear, unmistakeably signals that you don't want him to touch you. The last bit is just plain good sense. You can run faster and more agilely than he can when he's drunk. Have a place you can stay overnight for an emergency basis handy at all times. Make pre-arrangements with friends, scope out the Y, keep enough cash handy for a motel room.

Until you can get away from him, you have to protect yourself. I may be overreacting, he may be one of those harmless pervs, but you never know.

Or, you can try to trust him a little, talk to him when he's sober and let him know he's scaring the piss out of you and has irrepairably harmed your relationship with him, and you think he needs some serious counciling. I don't know of this will help, or if it will make things worse, usually it makes things worse cause drunks don't admit to their own weaknesses until they've lost everything. If you're really lucky, you can talk to your mom. Chances are, he's exhibited behavior toward you that makes her suspicious anyway. They may be intentionally blind about somethings, but they aren't stupid.

Your family will never be the same again, and you can't save it by pretending nothing has happened. The family ties have been totally damaged and it's not your fault. He may blame you for it, your mother may blame you for it, but it is NOT your fault. If you haven't already done so, get a therapist, particularly once you get to Alabama?, because it's easier to deal with it now, than deal with it later.

 

[Endlessly]

I just want to hug all of you.

The $300 a month isn't for loan payments, lavender-- it's to cover the balance of my last semester at my former college, the stuff that the loans wouldn't cover. The $300 a month is just for the summer. And, as I said, my significant other has already offered to let me stay with him if I have the resources to get down there.

My father alternates between Mr. Weepy and Senor Angry when he's drunk, which is pretty much every night. (He's downstairs drinking as we speak.) I've been recycling the most baggy and nondescript clothing I own for the last couple weeks.

The one thing I'm REALLY worried about.. My mother's going on a trip to NYC for a week sometime in July-- probably the second or third week. Which means 7-10 days alone with my father. I want out of here before that.

*chuckling dryly* We could always hold an Endlessly canned food drive..

Gotta go. Dad's calling.

 

[lavender]

 

[Siren]

While I applaud your ideas, I resent your insult directed to me...but

 

[*bratcat*]

No reason is necessary...

 

[BlondGirl]

Re: While I applaud your ideas, I resent your insult directed to me...but

Originally posted by Siren

Endlessly does have options. Go to the YWCA they have alot of programs about abuse and shelters to go to.
[/B]

While such things do exits, typically they are so overloaded that they must "triage" just like an ER.

Been there, done that. It is hard to find out where to go (this is why I suggested clergy help) and a large number of potential places are required typically to find even one that will help you out. Living on the streets can be worse than living at home where you at least know your enemy. Having no where to go except that fabled all inclusive crisis center and being told to "just go now..." is really not typically helpful. It is not unlike a woman with a breast tumor being told, "Just go to the doctor..." when the woman has no ins. and county health won't see her for 6 months-regardless of the reason. (If all the people who tell those who are so desperately in need of help to "just go" would dig in their pockets and/or roll up their sleeves, it would be amazing how much suffering would be ceased in our great country.)

Hhhhmmmm.... Endlessly,
Your pastor is not an option--what about some other church elders? Perhaps one of the older ladies in the church? It would be worth your while to at least see if you can talk to someone--perhaps even your pastor's spouse. In my church, we have one woman who is the last remaining matriarch of our church (yep--over 50 years as an adult member!) who is the "goodie bag lady"--when a need occurs, it is mentioned to her and she gets the word out--gifts are given to her anon. and she gives them to the intended recipient--no knowledge of who is passed. No kidding. Hopefully your church has someone similar. Also--talk to the youth counselor, if your church has one available. S/he should definatly have some suggestions.
Speaking to a college counselor is also an excellent idea--in my college, I was classified under the heading "special populations"(--i was a single, white, female parent. That alone was a restriction on what funds could be set aside to help me. ) Perhaps your college has a program set up to help the people who fall through the gaping cracks of the other programs.
Is it possible for you to also get a second (part time?) job "to supplement your current income" and decrease your time at home?
Can you take that week that your mother is gone and possibly head to your college town to "scout out a new place to live?"
I know this is considered jumping from the frying pan into the fire, but how serious are you with your BF? If marriage has been discussed before, it may be (economically) a good time to discuss it again--his pay should increase with marriage and you would have some support. Don't use it as an escape--but if that is the plan anyway...
Oh--and if you can, water down the booze your father consumes. It won't do too much, but it can help to decrease the volume taken in and the risks along with that.
The alarm I suggested is a mother-fucker of a screecher--a serious shock to anyone opening the door--might be a good idea to scope it out--it is not a lock--simply a warning to both the inhabitant and the intruder. You might also look in a gun/ammo shop to see the other small and cost effective items that could assist in personal safety. (Ask the employees also, it is their job to know what is available.) There are also makeshift locks--including the average old butter knife wedged in the door and the chair under the door knob for sleeping at night.
Please scope out the camp ground idea--
hey--what about your church's youth camp? Mine begs for volunteers to go with the kids--maybe yours will be lucky enough to need you the week your mother is gone!
Have you applied for the work study program in your new college? If not, don't waste another moment--the money (here in texas, anyway) is tax free but the competition can be great.
Do your best to find a way out while keeping your sanity intact. If I think of more suggestions, I will post them. Sorry I don't have many to offer so far--i am rather brain dead lately.

 

[Weird Harold]

The alarm I suggested is a mother-fucker of a screecher--a serious shock to anyone opening the door--might be a good idea to scope it out--it is not a lock--simply a warning to both the inhabitant and the intruder.

Such alarms are available from Radio Shack at under $10. The one I have for my Bike has a motion detector, and a "trip wire" for leaving it unattended, and a "panic button" for when you need it to go off "right now."

It probably won't stop him, but it WILL cause him to slow down enough for you to wake up and grab your softball bat or pool cue.

On the problems with your word agaist your father's with your pastor, I hope that you're not in a town so small that there is only ONE pastor. If you can't go to your own pastor, go to the competition.

 

[alexander tzara]

Endlessly - you're in a terrible situation and it must seem like there's no safe way out but you've got to find a safe way out. You've got to look after yourself.

You have to stop what could happen with your father from happening. You've had enough trouble in your life (self-harming, drinking parents etcetera) without something as devestating as sexual abuse to deal with. Harming yourself or him really isn't the answer, though, even though it may seem like it in your darkest most helpless moments.

You're an important person and your parents have failed you. Maybe one day you can confront your Mom and Dad and help to sort out some of their problems but only from a safe distance, when you have your own issues resolved, possibly with the support of a professional counsellor.

But the situation is there just now and you need to act soon. As KM said, sending clear "Keep Away" signals to your father in clothing and actions is important.

It sounds like your mother and most people in your church and town are in a state of denial about your father. Is there nobody else at all in your town you can talk to - a safe friend, a colleague or more distant family member - someone who could let you sleep on their floor, at least while your Mum is in New York? You don't even have to tell your whole story. You can say that your father frightens you when he gets drunk - you don't need to go into it any deeper than that. If your parents question you leaving you can just tell them something to get them off your back - even that you're helping out one of your friends who's in trouble, or whatever.

As a very very last resort, if you don't find somewhere else to stay or can't yet move out to Alamama, could you get a friend or your boyfriend to stay with you at home while your mother is in New York?

If there is really nobody who can help you in Montana, then maybe you should spend the next couple of weeks getting together some things and stock-piling tins of food, so that when your temp job finishes (and before your mother's trip to New York) you can head out to your boyfriend's in Alabama with enough food to keep you till you can get yourself a job there. Once your current temp job finishes, there's nothing holding you in Montana. Even if you have to steal half the food in your parents' larder in order to escape then that's the lesser of many evils.

I really hope things work out well for you, Endlessly. Take care.

rog

 

[~justin]

I can't really offer any advice that someone else hasn't already offered, but I just thought...

*offers Endlessly a warm fuzzy*

...you could use one of those. Or several. I know it doesn't really help, but it's about all I can do... just to let you know that people here care and worry about you

Take care.

 

[Endlessly]

Caution: Weltzschmertz Ahead

Sorry for dragging this out of burial, but I wanted to let you guys know that I'm still alive. Logistically, things are looking up, but emotionally I'm beaten.

My significant other, my only real close support I have in this whole ordeal, dissappeared a few days ago. I've been pulling my hair out, thinking he was hospitalized or dead or something, but it turns out he's just in another state with another woman for vacation-- after he told me he didn't have any leave to come see ME this summer. I basically just want to die, but don't have the energy to do anything about it. *dry smile*

At any rate.

The response from you guys has been overwhelming. I've applied for a lot of temp jobs from various links people have sent me, but because they -are- temp jobs, they don't like the idea of waiting two weeks from date of hire to put me to work. One of the more personal offers to help really, really got to me. You people are the best.

I've been able to keep away from my father, though I'm a little antsy since he and my mother are at the casino drinking and gambling as I write.

Incidentally.. my mother IS the go-to lady in the church. *chuckles slightly*

I think I may go to bed early tonight, I've been crying all day. Thank you, all of you.

 

[alexander tzara]

I'm sorry to hear about what's going on with your boyfriend, Endlessly. That's the last thing you need just now. Keep taking care of yourself, though.

 

[BlondGirl]

Can we possibly have another update on this. I am sure that I am not the only one who has been worrying about you, Endlessly.

BG

 

[Demian]

Wut do you want to Hear?

Sounds painful...I wish you well...Iz there some closer place to find help?

 

[Blackbich]

Endlessly,

you have a PM honey.