When getting to know someone via IM...

[human_male]

Do women realise that it's a good idea (assuming they're interested) to at some point actually ask questions about the guy... like about himself and stuff, and to generally give the impression that they're remotely interested? They do know that, right? Because if they don't I assume they're not interested. Am I wrong in this?

I am pretty obtuse when it comes to this sort of thing, but this seems like a no-brainer.

Please help me understand.

Thank you and have a nice day.

 

[Marti018]

i dont think youre wrong. i actually think people should get to know one another.
some call me old fashioned, but i like to get to know someone in advance...but thats just me...

 

[KarmaKitty]

I want to know all about the guy I am going to be intimate with... that simple. I am looking for a partner in life and love. I want to be with someone who will want to be with me once the sex starts going downhill ( not that it will on my part, I'm an addict)

 

[ScarlettLover]

Oh i love to get to know ppl.. i ask all the basics about like hobbies intrests life styles all of that but

I always like to play a little Q & A game.. we take turns asking each other questions haha somehow it always turns sexual though!

 

[Noor]

Do women realise that it's a good idea (assuming they're interested) to at some point actually ask questions about the guy... like about himself and stuff, and to generally give the impression that they're remotely interested? They do know that, right? Because if they don't I assume they're not interested. Am I wrong in this?

I am pretty obtuse when it comes to this sort of thing, but this seems like a no-brainer.

Please help me understand.

Thank you and have a nice day.

I am thinking something is missing here, what exactly went down?

She said hi and then what? What did you talk about?

She might just be shy, why don't you ask her what she is interested in and if she is interested in you rather than assume. Some people think its rude to ask personal questions.

You should really ask her.

 

[Cathleen]

HM, I hope you don't mind me being direct, as I know you've shared curiosity about some interactions here and there.

Are you looking at every woman as a potential girlfriend/mate? I'm not saying that's wrong per se but intentions matter. Hidden, or not so clear agenda, can warp or sway the conversation in different ways.

I'm not shy and some might say I'm pretty friendly and I'd probably ask all those questions but that doesn't mean my intention is to get a date/boyfriend. Sometimes it's just friendly.

But I'm wondering like Noor, is there something missing?

 

[human_male]

I am thinking something is missing here, what exactly went down?

She said hi and then what? What did you talk about?

She might just be shy, why don't you ask her what she is interested in and if she is interested in you rather than assume. Some people think its rude to ask personal questions.

You should really ask her.

Her add said she liked to chat and wanted to have children at some point. Very little else about her or about the sort of person she wanted to meet. So I start off with (and bear in mind I never said I was good at this) hi there. I just wanted to say hello. I'm not sure if you'll be interested because I don't want children but if you're looking for a friend, or someone to chat too blah blah blah... take care blah blah.

She replies that she'd be happy to chat if I want.

So I replied nice to hear from you, comment about the weather, then told her about my work and asked her what she does blah blah. One of the few details in her add stated she like to write so I mentioned I did when I was younger, short stories and poetry blah blah, and asked her if she was working on anything at the moment.

She replies that she isn't working due to a bad back, then talks a bit about how she got into writing and that she writes slash fic.

So I said something like sorry to hear about your back, were you in an accident or something, what is slash fic?

She replies no it's osteoarthritis, and slash fic is male/male based relationships.

So that's basically it so far. I'm stuck with what to say next. If she'd for example asked me what kinds of things I wrote, or used to write I'd have something to talk about. See what I mean? Am I wrong in thinking she doesn't really sound that interested? I'm not sure just bluntly asking "Do you like me? If you do why don't you ask me something about myself, woman?" would be a good idea.

But this has happened quite a lot over the years. I ask lots of questions (in amongst the comments about the weather and general chatting and whatnot) and they simply answer my questions. I keep telling myself she's just nervous and at some point she will show some interest in me but often that doesn't happen. They just basically answer questions and talk about themselves.

The initial stages of getting things going with email isn't easy, especially for someone like me. So it would be nice if they met me half way. If they asked a question about me it would a) let me know that they're at least a bit interested in getting to know more about me. And b) give me something to start the next email with. Is that asking too much? Have I just got completely the wrong idea about how this is supposed to work?

 

[human_male]

HM, I hope you don't mind me being direct, as I know you've shared curiosity about some interactions here and there.

Are you looking at every woman as a potential girlfriend/mate? I'm not saying that's wrong per se but intentions matter. Hidden, or not so clear agenda, can warp or sway the conversation in different ways.

I'm not shy and some might say I'm pretty friendly and I'd probably ask all those questions but that doesn't mean my intention is to get a date/boyfriend. Sometimes it's just friendly.

But I'm wondering like Noor, is there something missing?

I think most people who post adds on singles site (sorry, I should have said I was talking about that and emailing as well as IMing) are looking at anyone who contacts them or vise versa as a potential mate. But I'm honestly happy just being friends and chatting. A lot of them have been too far away for it to go anywhere romantic. But I generally go in with the idea that if we hit it off we'll become friends and if we really hit it off we'll become more. If this is an agenda well I suppose I'm guilty.

Thanks to everyone for the comments by the way. It's appreciated.

 

[ScarlettLover]

Ok so i kinda get where you are going with this now.... it is tough to say if she isnt interested or that maybe she is just like you doesn't know what to say next. Perhaps you could just jump in and tell her a few more things about yourself and ask her some more things and see if anything else comes from it.. Or maybe you could talk about the intrests you do share and as stupid as it sounds say something like it really seems like we have alot in common dont you think?

I am sorry that I cant offer you more help on that but I am sure there is other ppl here who have more experience with this sort of thing

 

[human_male]

Ok so i kinda get where you are going with this now.... it is tough to say if she isnt interested or that maybe she is just like you doesn't know what to say next. Perhaps you could just jump in and tell her a few more things about yourself and ask her some more things and see if anything else comes from it.. Or maybe you could talk about the intrests you do share and as stupid as it sounds say something like it really seems like we have alot in common dont you think?

I am sorry that I cant offer you more help on that but I am sure there is other ppl here who have more experience with this sort of thing

That does help, thanks.

 

[Cathleen]

Thanks for helping me understand the situation.

I'm wondering if she really isn't all that interested in anyone/anything other than herself. She doesn't seem to engage or attempt to have a conversation. Perhaps you'll find someone more interesting and interested.

One thing I'll throw out as a suggestion is try doing a 20 questions thing. It can be simple but you can also go deeper into really learning about each other.

Also, trust your gut feelings. If there's nothing there move on, do what feels good for you. You're not playing second fiddle or taking second chair here, if what should be a two way street turns into one it's not fair and it isn't worth your time.

The initial stages of getting things going with email isn't easy, especially for someone like me.

It isn't easy but I don't know why you say "someone like me," as you've always struck me just as human as all of us (no pun intended on your screen name), it keeps the playing field level.

 

[human_male]

Thanks for helping me understand the situation.

I'm wondering if she really isn't all that interested in anyone/anything other than herself. She doesn't seem to engage or attempt to have a conversation. Perhaps you'll find someone more interesting and interested.

One thing I'll throw out as a suggestion is try doing a 20 questions thing. It can be simple but you can also go deeper into really learning about each other.

Also, trust your gut feelings. If there's nothing there move on, do what feels good for you. You're not playing second fiddle or taking second chair here, if what should be a two way street turns into one it's not fair and it isn't worth your time.




It isn't easy but I don't know why you say "someone like me," as you've always struck me just as human as all of us (no pun intended on your screen name), it keeps the playing field level.

Thanks very much once again.

I say someone like me because I'm not all that outgoing and good at chit chat. Also, it's not that I'm not shy or not confident in myself but it often takes me a long time to feel comfortable with new people, so have this... shell.

 

[Eilan]

I'm wondering if she really isn't all that interested in anyone/anything other than herself. She doesn't seem to engage or attempt to have a conversation. Perhaps you'll find someone more interesting and interested.

I don't IM people very often, but I think I'm probably a bit guilty of this at times; I do it IRL as well. While I can be (more than) a bit self-absorbed, I also end up babbling about myself too much when I get nervous--IRL I'd be going a mile a minute, too! My husband thought it was amusing the first time we met in person!

I'm not that good at chit-chat, either, which is why I ultimately prefer email/PM's as a means to get to know someone.

 

[SweetErika]

Thanks for helping me understand the situation.

I'm wondering if she really isn't all that interested in anyone/anything other than herself. She doesn't seem to engage or attempt to have a conversation. Perhaps you'll find someone more interesting and interested.

One thing I'll throw out as a suggestion is try doing a 20 questions thing. It can be simple but you can also go deeper into really learning about each other.

Also, trust your gut feelings. If there's nothing there move on, do what feels good for you. You're not playing second fiddle or taking second chair here, if what should be a two way street turns into one it's not fair and it isn't worth your time.

This is really, really good advice.

I've had the same problem with some men and women, HM. I think a lot of people post ads to get attention or boost their ego or because they don't really know what the hell they want. Then they might email/chat out of a sense of politeness, boredom, loneliness, or something else other than genuine interest.

I'm definitely a question-asker. If I'm not asking questions, I'm likely not too interested. It could be something else, like I'm distracted or tired or generally having a bad day, but I definitely want answers if I'm interested in someone.

So, I definitely feel your pain! While I don't mind asking questions and listening to the answers (believe it or not, I'm more of a listener than a talker, anyway), it really sucks when someone doesn't contribute to keeping the conversation going or seem interested enough to ask about me (even though they say they're very interested). I usually give it a couple of conversations (ideally, in person, as I'm not much of an IMer or phone person, so I understand that others might be different with that, too; plus, I'm not looking for an online relationship, so we have to get on well in person) to see if anything changes. If it doesn't, I move on.

 

[coastal-boy]

(assuming they're interested) .

I think you answered it...for whatever reason. If however, you think someone is going to open up with a couple IMs you are wrong. Personally, I also wouldn't have responded if I recieved a similar message as what you sent. Why not visit some threads and practice chatting there? 3-4 comments and then move on?