When does a man STOP cheating?

[LadyJeanne]

Maybe an analogous question might be - why would a person give up using drugs? There are certainly people who abuse drugs until they die, people who use drugs recreationally and (relatively) openly without feeling any desire to stop, people who try to quit and can't, and people who successfully quit. Why do people successfully quit using drugs? Some, because they realize what it was costing them in terms of their relationships or career. Some, because they realize it is physically hazardous to them (as cheating might be in terms of STD risk) and wanted to preserve their health. Some have religious experiences that cause them to quit. Some get therapy because they abuse drugs to mask a history of trauma, and when they've dealt with the trauma, they don't need the drugs anymore.

Maybe this guy wakes up one day and realizes that he's never had a really fulfilling relationship because he's never quit spreading himself thin with other people, or because his behavior has hurt past partners. Maybe he's done some soul-searching and figured out that the cheating was, like drugs might be for another person, simply a way of self-medicating. Maybe he's had a religious experience and is now turning away from behavior he perceives as "sinful." Lots of potential reasons. What works for your character?

What works for him is a good question. I keep thinking it needs to be something simple, not dramatic.

What role does timing play in these things, for men? I know I've read articles where guys make changes in their lives becuase they're getting older and start thinking about the future. Mid-life crisis can lead them to the flashy sports car if they're settled down, or lead them to think about settling down if they haven't. Can a man looking at his 40th birthday (or other milestone) realize he wants to change his life?

 

[LadyJeanne]

First, on the earlier discussion, I agree that there does not need to be an outright declaration of commitment in order for it to be cheating, I think there can be implied commitment. For example, If a couple dates with increasing frequency for say 2 months before they have sex, to me this would imply exclusivity. However sex on the first date with subsequent infrequent dates (primarily for sex) would not imply exclusivity, at least to me.

It seems that to some extent the reader's definition of cheating comes into play. Therefore it's important to establish what constitutes cheating in the mind of the character being cheated on.

I would agree with midwestyankee in that the motivation for cheating is an important component that could help establish the early excuses for cheating versus the later reasons for not cheating.

I'm mostly concerned with how she sees it - she's begun this relationship, she's pretty sure he's seeing someone, and she's not comfortable with that. So, whether she calls it cheating or whether the reader calls it cheating or something else, it matters more that she's not comfortable. So, right now she's thinking about what to do.

In this instance, I think his motivation is that he's still trying to figure out how he feels about her, and thinks it's ok if he continues seeing his girlfriend while he figures it out. Perhaps he intends to stop seeing the girlfriend if things work out with the new girlfriend - hence, the whole blending girlfriends thing.

If she were to talk to him about it, he'd probably say something like, "I never said we were exclusive" even though he's well aware that he's been hiding his other relationship from her. That's why I think he needs to get caught and see how hurtful his behavior is, and that it's not ok, but self-serving, and in the end, it's not even that.

Of course, there's always the Lorena Bobbit method.

This is an Erotic Couplings story, not Loving Wives!

 

[LadyJeanne]

just an observation. My wife had a Math proffessor that basically Stole her husband from another woman. I mentioned to her how lucky he must be. She was confused by my comment. I said, Well she know that he is a cheater so she must be willing to do anything that he want to keep him happy otherwise what is to keep him from being "taken" away by someone else.

Holden

Unless she decides he wasn't worth the getting.

I wonder if people who cheat ever seek therapy on their own?

 

[prevacid]

i guess even if you cut-off or castrate a guy he will still cheat just by using his hands and tounge.......

it's in a man's nature...........maybe in his genes...

as they say "boys will be boys"

 

[M's girl]

i guess even if you cut-off or castrate a guy he will still cheat just by using his hands and tounge.......

it's in a man's nature...........maybe in his genes...

as they say "boys will be boys"

I almost agree with you.... Luckily there are still plenty exeptions to "the rule" as well. Not all men are like that, plus it's not something only men do well.

But thinking further about your castrating comment.... I think cheating is not just that with (PIV-) sex. Cheating is crossing that line of which you know your partner will be uncomfortable if you do.

 

[LadyJeanne]

i guess even if you cut-off or castrate a guy he will still cheat just by using his hands and tounge.......

it's in a man's nature...........maybe in his genes...

as they say "boys will be boys"

Humans are also capable of thought and deliberation. Many men seem perfectly able and willing to be monogamous despite any temptations or their genes. I don't think guys who do cheat are incapable of monogamy. I think they're unwilling.

 

[LadyJeanne]

I almost agree with you.... Luckily there are still plenty exeptions to "the rule" as well. Not all men are like that, plus it's not something only men do well.

But thinking further about your castrating comment.... I think cheating is not just that with (PIV-) sex. Cheating is crossing that line of which you know your partner will be uncomfortable if you do.

I agree with you there - cheating isn't just a physical thing. Having a deep, emotional relationship with someone other than your partner can be just as much cheating as PIV or oral sex, if your partner sees it that way.

 

[phoenix1224]

Not all men are like that, plus it's not something only men do well.

True.

I think that the latest statistics are something like 56% of men and 48% of women have cheated.

 

[TBKahuna123]

Humans are also capable of thought and deliberation. Many men seem perfectly able and willing to be monogamous despite any temptations or their genes. I don't think guys who do cheat are incapable of monogamy. I think they're unwilling.

I agree completely. I wonder however if there may not be some kind of pathological disorder involving guys/girls who simply can not resist temptation. I mean, there are all kinds of psychosises out there, so why not something like this?

 

[M's girl]

I agree completely. I wonder however if there may not be some kind of pathological disorder involving guys/girls who simply can not resist temptation. I mean, there are all kinds of psychosises out there, so why not something like this?

Maybe...... although lately I noticed that all kinds of unacceptable behaviour is suddenly seen as an illness that people can not do anything about. It seems to me a little that there are people who can control themselves (in matters where alcohol, drugs, certain kinds of behaviour are concerned) and then there are those who can't. There seem to be more and more of the latter so it must be an illness since it's not an exeption to the rule anymore? I don't know.....

There are a lot of things I find hard to resist. But my main reason for doing so is if I think I will hurt someone else (or even myself) by giving into the temptation. Good enough reason for me to be strong...

 

[LadyJeanne]

Maybe...... although lately I noticed that all kinds of unacceptable behaviour is suddenly seen as an illness that people can not do anything about. It seems to me a little that there are people who can control themselves (in matters where alcohol, drugs, certain kinds of behaviour are concerned) and then there are those who can't. There seem to be more and more of the latter so it must be an illness since it's not an exeption to the rule anymore? I don't know.....

There are a lot of things I find hard to resist. But my main reason for doing so is if I think I will hurt someone else (or even myself) by giving into the temptation. Good enough reason for me to be strong...

I don't know about illness. I've heard of sex addicts, and I suppose people could get addicted...I sure seem to be!

I think our definitions of illness have changed, which is why a lot more people fall into the category. As an example, alcoholism wasn't classified as an illness until relatively recently. Some illnesses become 'illnesses' when pharmas find a profitable and marketable 'cure'.

But if there is more and more adultery out there, I think we also have to take a look at our society and how permissive we have become about such things. We don't stone people to death for it, anymore, ya know. Not that I'm advocating stoning, just saying social attitudes have a lot to do with it as well.

 

[Guest]

 

[TBKahuna123]

I think both Lady Jeanne and M's Girl are right. It is partially our society becoming more accepting of adultry, which is indeed a shame. Likewise M's Girl is right, so many things are pawned of on mental illness that it has become an acceptable excuse.

There's no stigma attached to either of these issues anymore. While i agree that is ok on a certain level, it also makes it too easy to use one as an excuse for another.

 

[Guest]

 

[Halo_n_horns]

Hey guys - I've been writing a Lit story where my leading couple unexpctedly gets back together after many years apart. The leading lady, because she's known him for many years and he's done this sort of thing before, is pretty certain he's 'blending girlfriends,' at best, and is essentially cheating on both ladies, at worst. I'm not sure where to take my next chapter, and had some questions I wanted to think about as my heroine decides what to do.

We've talked about why guys cheat on this board...is there anything that makes them stop cheating or stop being cheaters?

Discuss.

Its not cheating when both parties bring the third to bed with them.

 

[ewopper]

Hey guys - I've been writing a Lit story where my leading couple unexpctedly gets back together after many years apart. The leading lady, because she's known him for many years and he's done this sort of thing before, is pretty certain he's 'blending girlfriends,' at best, and is essentially cheating on both ladies, at worst. I'm not sure where to take my next chapter, and had some questions I wanted to think about as my heroine decides what to do.

We've talked about why guys cheat on this board...is there anything that makes them stop cheating or stop being cheaters?

Discuss.

depends on your story line or plot. in reality i never cheated on my exes and they cheated on me,the best advice I can give you is try two or three alternate twists to the story, the one that sparks the most emotion would be the one to go with in my opinion

 

[Christina O. Leigh]

I would probably end the story like Lorraine Bobbit did. That's just me. I'm a crazy writer. Rarely is there a happy ending. I must change this.

 

[Christina O. Leigh]

I would probably end the story like Lorraine Bobbit did. That's just me. I'm a crazy writer. Rarely is there a happy ending. I must change this.

 

[Christina O. Leigh]

Oh man. How did that happen?