When do you give up?

[Keleigh]

I don't post often. I've been a frequent visitor to the site and I've made some friends behind the scenes.. and yes.. friends, I never came here for the hook up factor.I found the threads years ago and once in a while will read a topic that catches my eye and maybe make a post here or there and of course the stories are wonderful.

Now it's my turn to ask for advice. When do you know it's time to give up? When is it ok to say I have tried everything in my power to make this person happy and to realize that maybe there isn't anything else you can do?

It wasn't always like this and I blame his constant pain for a great deal of it, but at what point, after how many years, counseling attempts, etc, do you just say enough?

 

[RnRNvr4Gtz]

If you dread the time that you will be around him, and you feel relieved and less stressfull when you're apart, then I would say it's time to face facts and head to the door.

 

[Jeanx2storm]

It's time.

 

[redstick2]

No matter how hard you try, you cannot make another person happy. You can delight them momentarily, amuse them, surprise them, entertain them perhaps, but fundamentally, the happiness of another person is that person's own responsibility. Likewise, if being around this person is causing your own happiness to deteriorate, then some kind of adjustment must be made, and you are the one who should make it-just as he is responsible for his own happiness, you must take responsibility for your own.
I wish you the very best of luck.

 

[hidden_self]

If you're asking this question, it's time.

I have very recently been through the same thing.

Not sure what else to say. It's awful but true. Sometimes, you've exhausted all the "options" and "compromise" and "talking it out" and there's no solution but to split. Without knowing details, it sounds like you might have reached the end of the road.

I'm sorry for the pain you're currently experiencing and for the pain that is yet to come.

I trust that you will find new happiness on the other side of the pain, just as I choose to believe that for myself.

 

[coastal-boy]

It is time.

Relationships are built on trust and that works two ways. When trust has been violated once, you can with time and hard work rebuild what you had. But when trust becomes beaten down to the point where you are asking "when do you know it's time to give up" then the likelihood of rebuilding a successful, rewarding partnership is very small.

As with all painful questions, you already know the answer. Be courageous and listen to your instincts. If they say try one more time...stay and give it 100% one more time. If they say "nothing will change no matter what I do", then toss in the towel because it takes 2 to fix issues like this and you have already given up and it doesn't matter what he does...it won't be enough. That is not a criticism. We are only human and we can only take rejection and disappointment so many times before we stop opening ourselves up because of the potential risk of pain. Even if he changed, you may never sense it because it hurts too much to take the risk. Only you know where you are and whether you have also closed down.

I hope you the best.

 

[unregistered]

 

[lyinaboutitall]

Life is too short...make yourself happy

 

[Vakk]

My 2 cents

Firstly, I am by absolutely no means an expert in this arena.
Second, the earlier post saying you are the only one that can really answer this question is the most accurate.
However, I will give you my opinion. Given that according to your past posts you are married (couldn't tell how long though?) with more than one child, I would say the time to leave would be when it becomes clear, even after all your attempts, that your partner no longer has enough respect or concern for you to give YOU a chance. For example, I have a daughter, grown now, and I struggled with this question for some time when she was still very young and her mother and I were having nothing but difficulties. Again, like you, we had tried counsuling and talking, and seperating, and everything else I/we could think of. However, no matter how bad things got, I always stopped myself from leaving thinking of my daughter and what it would mean for her. Then, finally, her mother made the situation crystal clear for me. She had gone to the gyno, and came back in tears, apparently the doctor had found some sort of irregularity and they had done a biopsy. I tried to be as supportive as I could, I tried to calm her by reminding her that it could be nothing at all and it was best to wait till the results were back. She got angry and told me I didn't care about her and how upset she was. I can say without a hint of a question in my mind about it, she was very wrong. I was scared for her and knew she must be very scared as well. When the test results came back they revealed that it was not cancer, or anything like that, it was an STD, genital warts to be exact(or at least that's what I was told at the time but that's a whole different story), as you have probabley guessed, I didn't have, and still don't have any STD's at all. What you may have guessed wrongly about is that I did not leave at that point, I stayed, still thinking of my child and her life and happiness. Until one night, when after having walked up to the corner store to gather change to do some wash I returned to find myself locked out. She had locked me out because she had thought I took the last of our money (things were quite tight financialy at the time) and gone to have a beer with it. She did not wait to talk to me, she did not try to talk to me when I did get back and tried to explain it to her through the door, just made up her mind and locked me out. I realized then that no matter how patient I was, no matter how understanding I was, no matter what amount of forgivness I brought to our relationship, things would never ever change because there was nothing in return, not even in the face of my having given her the benefit of the doubt (slim as it was) that perhaps she had contracted the STD before we were together. Even in spite of that very recent occurence, I was not to be afforded the comparatively small amount of grace to wait and at least talk to me about what I had done with the money.
I apologise for the length of this, but I would say that if you find yourself in that kind of a one way place, were it is always you who is the one who has to give and wait and understand, and never are you afforded any of that in return, then even in spite of your husbands accident and subsequent pain, and even in light of your children, that it is time to move on. Because in that type of place, you will give of yourself to your death and it will never be enough I promise you. There will be more fights, more strife and more unhappiness in your home, because the simple fact is, a relationship is TWO people, not one. If however the other person is still in it, still trying, even if they are not doing a very good job yet, I would stay. I would say you need to find out, somehow, if you're alone, or if your still in a relationship. I am sorry for your pain and I truely hope that this helps you in some way.

 

[subwannabe]

I ditto what most everyone else has said, "It's time".

 

[Dearelliot]

Id add...Im marrried 51 yrs...and we are happier now and the last 20yrs more than we ever were...not that we didnt enjoy it earlier...but when I think back to the times when we were most unhappy with each othher for whatever reasons.....I realize in retrosppect, it wasnt just her fault...not as much as I was sure at the time that it was. ..Hell each person is different and I dont know either of you...so who knows whats best. Im damn glad I didnt give up on my marriage back when..because in all honensty...I am now and always have been far from perfect...and probably on occasion damn hard to live with...

 

[niv78]

You need to think about what is causing the issue, is it something small, is it something that can be fixed or not? Do you want to take the time and effort to try and fix the relationship? If you have to think to long on that then it may be time to call it quits.

A lot of times people get into a rocky area of a relationship and call it quits without trying to fix it, you just need to analyze the situation and determine the root causes and think about if there is a way to fix them or not.

 

[Keleigh]

Thanks everyone for your posts.. I am married. I've been married for over a dozen years and in love with him forever.
In the last number of years (over 6... I was trying to pinpoint a timeframe when things got "bad" and that's the best I can figure) he has dealt with his chronic pain and depression. I have been supportive. We have gone to drs, we have gone to therapists, we have gone to counseling. I have tried everything I possibly can think of, make up, or consider trying.
I have gone to therapy myself, with the kids, with my husband. He has given up. That makes it hard for me and for a long time I just figured Id stay til the kids were grown, but the idea of another 10 years of this just fills me with dread whch makes me think that indeed it must be time.

 

[jrbauto]

Im in the same boat currently. Been married for 7 years, been dating for 14. Although(in my opinion) our problems started after the baby was born (7/08). For me, I could tell something was off about a year ago. The first thing to change was stuff in the bedroom, and then she became very easily mad(moody). But back to your question. For me, Im giving 150% effort to make it work. Main reason, my son. Second reason, she is a very unique girl, and I love her. Those things said, Im at my end of trying. We've been through 8 counseling sessions and finally monday night, the doctor mentioned clinical depression. Im going to wait and see if she understands the situation and is willing to address it. If not, I hate to say it, Im going to have to leave. I know the feeling your having, have I tried enough, have I given it enough time(things wont be better in a month), have we used every option available to us. I wish you the best of luck. Im new on here, but if you would like to talk to someone who truely understands you can pm me.
james

 

[SweetErika]

Thanks everyone for your posts.. I am married. I've been married for over a dozen years and in love with him forever.
In the last number of years (over 6... I was trying to pinpoint a timeframe when things got "bad" and that's the best I can figure) he has dealt with his chronic pain and depression. I have been supportive. We have gone to drs, we have gone to therapists, we have gone to counseling. I have tried everything I possibly can think of, make up, or consider trying.
I have gone to therapy myself, with the kids, with my husband. He has given up. That makes it hard for me and for a long time I just figured Id stay til the kids were grown, but the idea of another 10 years of this just fills me with dread whch makes me think that indeed it must be time.

I doesn't sound like you're giving up, it sounds like you're facing reality and embracing a healthier choice for everyone involved. These are two very different things, IMO.

Even if you did stay, your kids wouldn't be better off for it, so take that idea off the table. It's far healthier to have at least one HAPPY single parent than two unhappy and unhealthy married parents. By leaving, you'll be giving your kids a shot at seeing their mother happy, healthy and modeling good relationships. Sure, leaving might be tougher for all of you short-term, but your kids will likely come out well ahead long-term.

My parents divorced when I was 10, and I'm screwed up enough from seeing their relationship for those years. The only mistake they made was not splitting up sooner. With time, communication, a healthy role model, counseling and lots of love, your kids will probably end up feeling the same way.

Best of luck in the next phase of your life!

 

[Jackotheshadows]

I went though that very question. It took me a long time to get to that decision point (in retrospect, longer than it needed to be). There wasn't any joy left, no looking forward to seeing her, no bright spots along the way, just a feeling of dread, and wondering what would happen today. So, I told her I was done. She quickly wanted to go to councilling, and we tried it, but the relationship was long dead.

Some people sit down and make a pro/con list, some ask friends, and some just wonder, and never do anything.

Life is short. Pain comes in relationships, it's a part of the package, but should only be a part. When it's all consuming, and you can't or won't get the other person to help make it better, time to go.

 

[fgarvb1]

The first thing you should know is that you cannot "Make" a person happy.

Feelings are feelings they just are.

A person can chose how to feel about people, places and things.

 

[eyeball1]

You can't make a person happy. You can only provide them the opportunity to be happy.

Several years ago my cousin and his wife got divorced because she said he didn't make her happy. I laughed and rolled my eyes at her.

Several years later my ex did the same thing to me. I suggested counselling and made sure she was 100% in it and then gave her my consent to it. A few months later she came back crying about how come I hadn't fought for us? We tried for a week but I realized she was quitting on the divorce just like she had quit on the marriage...because it was tough, hard, and not easy. Then she started showing signs of quitting on the "trying again" and I said no more and restarted the divorce.

I'm happier and better off now. Can't say the same for her but I couldn't do anything for her when I was right there next to her, miserable too.

 

[newbiebabe]

Pain comes in relationships, it's a part of the package, but should only be a part. When it's all consuming, and you can't or won't get the other person to help make it better, time to go.

This statement is quite profound and true and to be paid attention to.

As to your children... please realize they are resilient and as Erica said, having one happy parent is better than two miserable. It gave me great guilt divorcing my son's father but he has grown to be a beautiful young man and while I know he suffered in the initial period of our split (he was six), I sought out help for him and he was able to work through his grief about the situation and live a happy childhood. My family was a wonderful help during this time and I had great friends also. Seek out help from those who love you.. they will be your support during this hard time, both for you and your children.

Good luck, honey, whatever decision you make.

 

[VFaulkon]

You do sound like you're in a very bad position, and although I do sympathize with your husband, I agree with everyone here. It's time to go.

The kids will be fine, too. My parents split when I was about four. I'll be honest, it did cause some problems for me - my dad seemed to show less and less interest in seeing me as I got older, and both of them like to bitch at me about the other - but overall I do think being with one stable parent was much better than living with the two of them going at each other's throats every day for twenty years. All in all, I think I turned out okay.

It's always an awkward thing, talking about leaving someone you love, especially when they're in a condition like your husband's. Nonetheless, if he has in fact given up on trying to be happy and live with his pain for your sake or his, then he's going to be a miserable person to live with, period. That won't be good for him, for you, or for the kids. If you really are certain that he's lost all hope for himself, then it's time.

I'm sorry you were put into this awful mess, and I hope it turns out alright.

 

[Eroscribe67]

Thanks everyone for your posts.. I am married. I've been married for over a dozen years and in love with him forever.
In the last number of years (over 6... I was trying to pinpoint a timeframe when things got "bad" and that's the best I can figure) he has dealt with his chronic pain and depression. I have been supportive. We have gone to drs, we have gone to therapists, we have gone to counseling. I have tried everything I possibly can think of, make up, or consider trying.
I have gone to therapy myself, with the kids, with my husband. He has given up. That makes it hard for me and for a long time I just figured Id stay til the kids were grown, but the idea of another 10 years of this just fills me with dread whch makes me think that indeed it must be time.

Wish you the best, Kel. Sometimes it can be very difficult and makes it even harder when the two cannot work together towards that one goal of working through things, staying together, moving forward and being stronger for that. Trust me, I know. While my own situation differs from yours, I can relate to what you're going through.

 

[Silkman]

I would be curious if there was anything that occurred as a result of the baby being born. Was she up all night with the baby? Did you wake up and help feed the baby or hold the baby till he went back to bed? Did you give your wife time to rest or help as well as spend quality time with her and the baby? Or did you give her time away such as to go hang out with some friends to get away for a little bit. If not, these are usually the types of things that cause the wife or significant other to shy away from "stuff in the bedroom" not only from exhaustion but also from being frustrated with the father's actions or lack of. I am also very interested in how a counselor would bring up clinical depression. They are not supposed to mention actual diagnoses whether possible or not without first having tests performed and takes many more sessions than just 8. The phrase "Im going to wait and see if she understands the situation and is willing to address it" seems more of a pointing the finger at her than looking at yourself as well. It always takes two to tango as well as good communication. If she feels you are not listening or acting thereof then all of what you say are a result of her needs not being met.

I hope things are better for you two as counseling is always a good start.

Your story seems similar to mine and took a long time to fix.

Im in the same boat currently. Been married for 7 years, been dating for 14. Although(in my opinion) our problems started after the baby was born (7/08). For me, I could tell something was off about a year ago. The first thing to change was stuff in the bedroom, and then she became very easily mad(moody). But back to your question. For me, Im giving 150% effort to make it work. Main reason, my son. Second reason, she is a very unique girl, and I love her. Those things said, Im at my end of trying. We've been through 8 counseling sessions and finally monday night, the doctor mentioned clinical depression. Im going to wait and see if she understands the situation and is willing to address it. If not, I hate to say it, Im going to have to leave. I know the feeling your having, have I tried enough, have I given it enough time(things wont be better in a month), have we used every option available to us. I wish you the best of luck. Im new on here, but if you would like to talk to someone who truely understands you can pm me.
james

 

[SweetErika]

I would be curious if there was anything that occurred as a result of the baby being born. Was she up all night with the baby? Did you wake up and help feed the baby or hold the baby till he went back to bed? Did you give your wife time to rest or help as well as spend quality time with her and the baby? Or did you give her time away such as to go hang out with some friends to get away for a little bit. If not, these are usually the types of things that cause the wife or significant other to shy away from "stuff in the bedroom" not only from exhaustion but also from being frustrated with the father's actions or lack of.

Sometimes, but sometimes not.

Our baby was born in March, and my lack of libido isn't because my husband doesn't help or try to give me a break. It's from a lot of other stuff, including hormones, a vaginal condition that causes painful penetration and sheer exhaustion. He can't help with the exhaustion because he can't breastfeed, pump milk, always stay up with our son (I usually stay up because I don't work and can nap during the day, so I feel obligated to let him sleep when possible) or get him to sleep because he doesn't have boobs.

I am also very interested in how a counselor would bring up clinical depression. They are not supposed to mention actual diagnoses whether possible or not without first having tests performed and takes many more sessions than just 8.

He said a DOCTOR mentioned clinical depression. I don't know what doctors you've been seeing, but I'd be concerned if mine couldn't diagnose depression within 8 sessions. And clinical depression can be diagnosed by asking questions; it doesn't require having tests, other than asking the right questions and listening to the answers carefully. Even someone without a medical degree or PhD can ask the right questions and suggest checking out certain conditions with another professional (doctor, shrink, physical therapist, etc.). There's no rule stating tests must be performed before a suggestion to get something investigated further can be made. Good therapists make such suggestions all the time.

 

[Que]

I don't post often. I've been a frequent visitor to the site and I've made some friends behind the scenes.. and yes.. friends, I never came here for the hook up factor.I found the threads years ago and once in a while will read a topic that catches my eye and maybe make a post here or there and of course the stories are wonderful.

Now it's my turn to ask for advice. When do you know it's time to give up? When is it ok to say I have tried everything in my power to make this person happy and to realize that maybe there isn't anything else you can do?

It wasn't always like this and I blame his constant pain for a great deal of it, but at what point, after how many years, counseling attempts, etc, do you just say enough?

This sounds painful, and sounds like you sincerely believe you have put in the effort. Sounds like it...only you can answer and everyone involved lives with that choice.

On the flippant side, for my ex, apparently you give up after say.... three beers in a bar when you are promised the world. And by the world I mean some really well thought out plans that started as lets make money traveling the country as pro pool hustlers, and ending as gee I really hope you get that apartment maintenance job, honey.

On a serious note, if you are through..tell him, leave him, allow both of you space and time to grieve, THEN venture out.

That way you'll know if you did the right thing, as will he.

 

[hellsgate]

If they say the magic words "I'm a virgin waiting for marriage".

Religious (and frequently indecisive) nutjobs are the worst.

You don't need anything or anyone beyond your own right hand, maybe a pocket pussy if you're a guy or a double-ended dildo if you're a woman/girl.

Save yourself years of depression, anger, and frustration and just give up now.

Period.

Let's face a nasty fact. You and every other straight/available employed young man on earth are a zero, a "nothing" to most women.

If you're not a gambling-addled, alcoholic, drug addicted child mollester with accumulated back child support or credit card debt in the hundreds of millions and/or a major criminal record following you the rest of your life...straight/available women (that haven't already had kids with every fuck-buddy they've ever had) under 55 years old want absolutely nothing at all to do with you unless you're a millionaire or billionaire...in which case a sex worker is still the more honest option.

I advocate abstinence or paid sex workers over most regular women as the dating / relationship scene is just too fucked-up to bother with.

If you aren't dealing with weird relatives and ex's that won't go away and give you privacy, you're either dealing with someone comatose or gay/lesbian or transgendered and possibly not "out" yet.