When do men stop cheating? (story research)

[LadyJeanne]

I've been writing a story where my leading couple unexpectedly gets back together after many years apart. The leading lady is pretty certain he's 'blending girlfriends,' at best, or is essentially cheating on both ladies, at worst. I'm not sure where to take my next chapter, and had some questions I wanted to think about as my heroine decides what to do.

Is there anything that makes men want to stop cheating? Might they stop cheating if they fell in love? Is it always 'once a cheater always a cheater"?

Discuss.

 

[impressive]

Define "cheating."

 

[LadyJeanne]

Define "cheating."

Seeing (and fucking) two women when both would be upset about it if they knew. He's in one relationship when the ex comes along, and he wants to see what's what with the ex, but he keeps seeing his girlfriend.

 

[ntrprs]

Would love to "see" my ex come back...

But of course I'd be hesitant about her true intentions the 2nd time. But for your stories sake, I'd have to say he would quit cheating when he decided which one meant the most. Which one he had a better future with.

 

[impressive]

IMO, anyone can change with the appropriate catalyst. The question, to me, is whether or not love is "real" when we expect someone to change into a different (perhaps better behaving) person.

A Kobayashi Maru answer, I know. Sorry.

 

[OhMissScarlett]

Personally, I don't think anyone ever stops cheating. If you do it once, it becomes an option that's always in the back of your mind. Not that I know from personal experience or anything. JMHO. Never mind that "born to cheat" tattoo on my forearm. *whistles innocently*

 

[rgraham666]

Never having cheated, I can't answer that question.

From what I've seen though, cheaters rarely stop.

Shrugs. Why? Ego? Greed? Stupidity? Immaturity?

A change in these will change their behaviour.

 

[zeb1094]

I've been writing a story where my leading couple unexpectedly gets back together after many years apart. The leading lady is pretty certain he's 'blending girlfriends,' at best, or is essentially cheating on both ladies, at worst. I'm not sure where to take my next chapter, and had some questions I wanted to think about as my heroine decides what to do.

Is there anything that makes men want to stop cheating? Might they stop cheating if they fell in love? Is it always 'once a cheater always a cheater"?

Discuss.

It has been my experience, not personally, with guys I have known since childhood, that once a cheater always a cheater. I'm not saying all men the cheat are like that, just the ones I know personally who have cheated.

A grade school buddy of mine was once going out with four woman at the sametime. The girl who lived next door to me was supposed to be his one and only, but he just had to get the green grass on the other side of the hill. Couldn't help himself, even after she found out and he promised not too, he was still playing in the grass across the valley.

And then there is my brother, bigest jerk of all times. Cheated on his wife six months after they were married, with her best friend no less. That went on for eight years, then she found out about it and divorced his ass. He then married the other woman and last I heard he cheats on her too. Don't know if she knows as I don't talk to him anymore.

As for me, I did it once and the wife knows. I never did it again, we have been married 33 years. I recently found out that she had also cheated, we were discussing past sexual experiences and she told me about her affair. I thing she did it to see how I would react as I had just told her about mine with a casual friend of hers.

Funny thing was that it didn't bother me, in fact I was kinda of proud that another man had found my wife desirable. Don't get me wrong, I will not cheat on my wife, nor she on me. (Cheating: To have sex with another person with out your significate others knowledge. Having sex with another and your SO knowing or participating is not cheating. Is it?)

So what keeps me from not cheating? I do NOT want to hurt my wife. I know if I did cheat she would be very disappointed with me and that would hurt her and disturb me knowing I had hurt her.

 

[NoJo]

Seeing (and fucking) two women when both would be upset about it if they knew.

Good definition.

I think philanderers -- who are most definitely not necessarily cheaters by your definition, (unless they do it covertly) may be more likely recidivists.

So, "once a philanderer, always a philanderer" may be more common (until, perhaps, the philanderer loses interest in sex altogether).

But I can say from personal experience, that (after a long separation), I'd never cheat again, although I have done. (She has done too). But hell, that doesn't mean I don't still want to philander away. But most women, (men too) usually want to be the "only one", so it's pretty hard to be a philanderer without cheating on your partner. So I don't. (sigh).

 

[elsol]

Chris Rock Sayeth:

"Men are only as faithful as their options."


Uh yeah... I might not ASK... but if she's hot and she hits on me... there better be a good reason for me to say no.

Like alimony.


Sincerely,
ElSol

 

[LadyJeanne]

IMO, anyone can change with the appropriate catalyst. The question, to me, is whether or not love is "real" when we expect someone to change into a different (perhaps better behaving) person.

A Kobayashi Maru answer, I know. Sorry.

That's a great answer, because my leading lady is struggling with that thought herself. At first she's caught up in the rush (erotic and loving), but now she's starting to look at what is. She'll need to choose whether she's ok with him and what is, or whether she's not comfortable with him as is.

I don't know if he will change his behavior - I'm not sure how the cheating thing works with guys. I think someone who cheats will revert to that behavior in the future even if he stops for a while...unless he has some ephiphany brought about by events, or maybe if he falls in love.

 

[LadyJeanne]

But of course I'd be hesitant about her true intentions the 2nd time. But for your stories sake, I'd have to say he would quit cheating when he decided which one meant the most. Which one he had a better future with.

Hmm, that assumes he wants to end up with one of them, or ever wants to end up with anyone.

 

[LadyJeanne]

Personally, I don't think anyone ever stops cheating. If you do it once, it becomes an option that's always in the back of your mind. Not that I know from personal experience or anything. JMHO. Never mind that "born to cheat" tattoo on my forearm. *whistles innocently*

LOL!

I'm inclined to believe this, though. Maybe I'm just cynical, but if a guy doesn't see anything wrong with it and there's opportunity, he'll do it.

 

[Pure]

why men change (if they do)

they get older; sex drive declines.

lady jeanne, your definition misses something that might be of interest:
the male definition of 'faithful' reads-- no sex with others, but oral sex and hand jobs don't count.

so when 'faithfulness' begins, it is not necessarily what it appears to be.

(wonderful movie with Cher called 'faithful' has lots of frank dialogue, male and female points of view)

Faithful [DVD] (1996)

Cher is a depressed Westchester, New York, housewife who gets a very unexpected 20th anniversary present from husband Ryan O'Neal: a visit from hit man Chazz Palminteri, hired by O'Neal to kill her, unless she can get him to switch targets. Dark comedy, written by Palminteri and directed by Paul Mazursky. 91 min. Widescreen (Enhanced); Soundtracks: English Dolby Digital 5.1, Dolby Digital stereo; Subtitles: English, Spanish.

 

[sophia jane]

Having read the most recent chapter of the story in question, I have an idea of what you're looking at. I think you're on the right track that she has to decide if she will accept him as is.
As far as cheating goes, tho, it seems to me from the story that he isn't cheating so much as he is not committing to either of them. It also seems to me that in a case like that, if the man (or woman) in that situation fell in love, their desire to commit might increase (and thus end the cheating).
The other side of cheating is the person who is just not satisifed (and never will be) with the relationship as is or with just having one partner; in that case, I don't think it ever really changes.

 

[NoJo]

I don't know if he will change his behavior - I'm not sure how the cheating thing works with guys. I think someone who cheats will revert to that behavior in the future even if he stops for a while...unless he has some ephiphany brought about by events, or maybe if he falls in love.

It doesn't take an epiphany to stop cheating; it usually just takes maturity.

 

[Guest]

LOL!

I'm inclined to believe this, though. Maybe I'm just cynical, but if a guy doesn't see anything wrong with it and there's opportunity, he'll do it.

I would superglue his dick to his leg.

*ahem*

 

[LadyJeanne]

So what keeps me from not cheating? I do NOT want to hurt my wife. I know if I did cheat she would be very disappointed with me and that would hurt her and disturb me knowing I had hurt her.

Not judging...

...but, that didn't keep you from cheating the first time. You knew it would hurt her then, too, no? Why does that work for you now, but didn't at the time?

 

[LadyJeanne]

they get older; sex drive declines.

lady jeanne, your definition misses something that might be of interest:
the male definition of 'faithful' reads-- no sex with others, but oral sex and hand jobs don't count.

so when 'faithfulness' begins, it is not necessarily what it appears to be.

(wonderful movie with Cher called 'unfaithfull' has lots of frank dialogue, male and female points of view)

Well, my couple's been having more than than oral sex and handjobs...sex in the car, sex on camera, sex in the shower...

 

[rgraham666]

He grew up?

Cheating isn't something that would cross my mind. Relationships only happen about once every fifteen years for me and I am not going to jeopardise a good thing.

 

[elsol]

As far as cheating goes, tho, it seems to me from the story that he isn't cheating so much as he is not committing to either of them.

OOOH! That's a good one!

Let me write it down...

"Ladies, it's not that I'm cheating on you... or you. The truth is I haven't commited to either of yet. You're both just going to have to try harder."

*hmmm* I think that last line was a bit much.

Sincerely,
ElSol

 

[LadyJeanne]

I would superglue his dick to his leg.

*ahem*

*snicker*

There, that might cause an epiphany!

 

[LadyJeanne]

It doesn't take an epiphany to stop cheating; it usually just takes maturity.

You really think so? Most men who cheat are immature in some way?

 

[zeb1094]

Not judging...

...but, that didn't keep you from cheating the first time. You knew it would hurt her then, too, no? Why does that work for you now, but didn't at the time?

So to answer your first question - At the time it happened I had no thoughts on whether it would hurt her if she found out.

Now I'm more mature, it happened over twenty years ago. I didn't go out looking for it either it was offered to me at a point in my life that I saw nothing wrong with it. It just happened. It was at the same time my wife was having her affair so I would say we had somehow drifted apart and found the company of others perferable.

We have discussed this at length in our senior years and came to the conclusion that if it hadn't been for our affairs at that time in out life we would have probably wound up divorced, which would not have been good for us or the children.

Now we are happy and secure and more mature.

 

[LadyJeanne]

OOOH! That's a good one!

Let me write it down...

"Ladies, it's not that I'm cheating on you... or you. The truth is I haven't commited to either of yet. You're both just going to have to try harder."

*hmmm* I think that last line was a bit much.

Sincerely,
ElSol

Ya think?




Thanks, SJ. I get what you're saying. I think my leading lady wants to wait and see for a bit, but it will grow increasingly more uncomfortable for her because she is starting to fall in love...and that will affect her willingness to accept the situation.