What's wrong?

[Cherrie]

Please can anyone help? I have recently submitted another chapter to my ongoing story, but I feel that something is not quite right. I would be grateful if you could give it a quick browse and perhaps put your finger on it. Many thanks in advance.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=142993

 

[Guest]

Do not worry.

I will make a recommendation on my thread in Author's Hungout.

Magical things are known to happen on my thread!

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Something not quite right? Hmmm. Well, I wonder why you feel that way. Not hot enough? Too slow? Too much time spent inside her head and not enough time spent outside?

Off the top of my head, the impression I got was of a lot of words without much happening. In the entire story all that happens is that she gets dressed and goes to a bar, and it ends as she’s about to expose herself to some guys. That’s not much to hang a story on. There’s a lot of internal stuff, feelings and sensations and thoughts and that’s what takes up most of the story.

I have a hard time deciding whether there’s too much focus on her thoughts or not enough or whether they’re the wrong kinds of thoughts. Once thing I did notice, is that you were very sparse as far as action and setting went. You didn’t describe the exterior of the bar they were going to at all, and surely she would have noticed what kind of place it was, and that would have given her some pause. You seem to have become trapped in her head, and really, it just wasn't that interesting in there. Yes, she knows now she’s a slut, but what does that mean to her? It seems like it doesn’t mean much. She isn’t very concerned about it.

I also noticed that there was very little interpersonal stuff, either physical or emotional. Oh, he gave her a quick feel in the car, but that was just in passing. Overall it was very much centered on her and she might have just as well been alone for all the interaction she had with Larry. He’s just kind of hanging around, and I can’t say whether she feels anything for him or not.

I think it fell down on the visual imagery as well. As much time as she spent dressing, I still didn’t have a clear idea of what she was wearing. I know it was tiny and latex, but what about the top? What kind of shoes? Stockings? Those details are important to us clothing fetishists. I already mentioned about the lack of description of the bar which robbed us of a picture of where they were going. In fact, she didn’t seem to do any of those graphic things that tell us what she’s feeling inside. Rather than have her act out her emotions and thoughts, you just told us what she was thinking.

Yeah. I’m sure of it now. It was just too internalized. It would have been better if you’d shown her walking into the bar so that we could see the light glinting on that tight latex dress, so we could feel what it was like to be in her heels and to feel the men’s eyes on her ass as she climbed onto the bar stool, see her biting her lip because she was afraid she was going to come as she waked across the floor. She would have been on fire with sexual heat and shame. You should have shown us that.

I also have to say, my dear, that I’m surprised at your mechanics. You seem to have developed a bad case of comma-itis, throwing them in all over the place, and the piece really needed a good proof-reading. You even made the classic spell-check error of writing ‘seamen’ for ‘semen’.

For all that, it’s certainly not a bad story. I just hope I’ve helped you put your finger on what’s wrong with it.

---dr.M.

 

[Cherrie]

Thanks Doc!

Thanks for taking the time Dr M. That was an excellent review and I think you have put your finger right on the crux of the problem. Now that I have re-read the story, taking all your points into consideration. I have to agree that there doesn’t seem to be much happening outside of the characters head.

All the things that attribute towards a good story were either glanced over or missing, particularly the interplay between the two characters, location descriptions etc.

Oh well! Back to the drawing board and see if I can do better next time.

Thank you very much for your comments they were gratefully appreciated.

Love & Hugs...Cherrie