What's wrong with me?

[Shadow Thief]

As someone else pointed out, you could simply be asexual. It's also possible you just haven't found the right person, as cliche as that may sound.

You mentioned that you're attracted to women, but I don't think you mentioned whether or not you've actually done anything with another woman. Is that something your husband would be OK with you expermintenting with?

 

[Red_and_Mackie]

How many men have you had sex with? If it is just one, then you don't hate sex, you just hate sex with your husband.
It could be that he is the world's most incompetent lover. You have had sex for three years, it fills you with rage, and he hasn't noticed??? That puts him in the bottom quintile, at least.

EDIT: That firt sentence should read: "How many men have you had sex with voluntarily?

These are the two points that first popped into my mind when reading this thread. The big one that hasn't been addressed yet is about the husband: How the holy hell does a man with half a pulse miss the fact that the woman he is fucking is filled with rage at the mere act of fucking?

But more important is the question "How many men have you had sex with voluntarily?" Someone filled with that much rage and determination to not be touched sounds like someone who has been touched inappropriately and learned to associate sex with bad things.

I agree with many other posters: A therapist can help untangle the mess. Even if the original poster does turn out to be asexual, at this point obviously some guidance is needed to find out what is going on, whether it is normal or not and what, if anything, can be done to remedy the situation.

 

[HunnyBee18]

I do not get anything out of the exchange, you see. And any intimacy shared with my husband or any pride that I might take out of sharing my body with him and making him feel good is lost when I'm made to degrade myself and forced to be uncomfortable for 10-20 minutes. It's a mess. It's uncomfortable to the point of painful. It's humiliating being the object of such loathsome desire. Whether I'm on my back, or with my face in the pillow, all I can think during the whole entire thing - from when he first enters - is, "Just fucking cum already!" and the longer he goes without doing so, the more I grind my teeth, seething with hate.

This was me... through 15 years of marriage. I didn't have my first orgasm til I left him at age 31. For me, this was partly because the partners I had prior to marrying were terrible.... and so was my husband. And once I started to feel "obligated" regardless of whether or not I was in the mood initially, it was all downhill from there.

For me, it took a very special combination of factors to help me to get out of this rut in my life - I don't know what it would take for you, and hopefully it wouldn't take ending your marriage (assuming you're otherwise happy with it). Maybe you just need to be in control, and explore some less "normal" behavior in the bedroom. Or maybe you need to BE controlled.

At any rate, I can absolutely sympathize with your situation, and hope you find a solution soon!

 

[Lady_June]

To say that ur case is sad is an understatement, but also I dont want and dont need to fall into the other extreme - hopelessness, as it may seem at some 1st sight. First of all, I dont think u are asexual. Not at all. U know the saying, there arent frigid women, only incapable men, lol? Could be a variant to ur case. Anyway, here are my questions:
1. You were a victim of rape/abuse, be it sexual, psychological or emotional?
2. Ur hubbie has been the only man in ur life? What kinda relationship do u have? How come - in 3 goddamm years - he's never noticed whats happening to u? Does he ever go down on u and/or vicerversa? Using his fingers? How do u feel then if so? Communication should be the key, it always works. Also its good to see a therapist.
3. I hope u will not "shoot" me, but is it indeed some neurological item all about?
4. How do u see urself (physically)? U like ur body? U like the way u look? (I must say I do, I saw some of ur pics and ure pretty to beautiful and u have quite the same body type I have - curvy etc. etc.)
5. Porn is a far cry from what reality is. I love porn myself and watch it, of course, but I know that 99% of it is nothing but fake. FAKE, FAKE and again FAKE. Even a person with quarter a brain could realize that. Perhaps u've been watching too much of it and that has left its mark on u? U know, unrealistic expectations...
6. Ure aware as well as I am - and other countless women are - that vaginal orgasm is not smth as common as air. Forget the movies, forget the books, forget the gossip about that. There are women who have never had a vaginal orgasm, still they have a fulfilled sexual life. Nothing new, I know. Most of my orgasms Ive got them through manual/oral stimulation. My 1st and last stable bf was the one who made me have vaginal orgasms. Or mabe it was again me who contributed to that by contracting the muscles of my vagina? Its a mystery Im still trying to solve after quite a long time, lol.
All these being said, I truly hope u can fix the problem.

 

[PrettyPosie]

Sorry it has taken so long to reply to this. I wasn't really sure what to say when the initial reaction seemed to be I need therapy. Although, I agree, that is probably the best course of action, I don't really have the resources available at this time to do that. And it is just this one area of my life that is a problem - everything else is fine. And it's not that I will actually hurt anyone - sex just makes me feel frustrated and angry.

first things first.

1. does your husband have any inkling that you dislike having sex with him? because i'm seeing a real need here for honest communication.

2. what precisely is taking place that you are left feeling degraded? is he insisting on roleplaying things you find degrading, or something else?

ed

1. No. My husband does not know. I do not say anything and try my best to put on a happy face while we're fucking. I tend to believe that these feelings are a problem with me and I do not see how telling him I do not want him to touch me sexually ever again - when it is something he seems to NEED - would help. I assumed I needed to suck it up and be a team player.

2. I do not like the feeling of someone else touching me in a sexual way. I have very sensitive nipples, ass cheeks, and upper thighs - if my husband gropes me or brushes his fingers over my nipples in a sensual manner, it arouses me and puts me on edge. THAT'S when the anger starts. I feel annoyed. And the arousal isn't even the same as the kind I feel when I'm alone.

Do you feel the same about sex with women?

As I said, I'm sexually attracted to both genders. I have only ever had sex with my husband. I have thought about sex with other men and other women but I love my husband and would never go outside our marriage. Having sex with someone else does not enter the equation - I do not plan on divorcing him ever and under no circumstances are we open to the swinger lifestyle to ANY degree. It's just me and him 'till death.

I suspect you've fallen in lust with the idea of the variety of sex in written erotica and porn, and that is normal I think. In erotica, there's rarely a wet spot someone has to sleep in and other possible discomforts are conveniently ignored or skimmed past, partners instantly know the magic buttons of each other so who needs communication when their partner knows exactly what they need, and there's magical connection that has to be worked for in reality. Real sex can be very lust-driven and deliciously rough, sensual and soft, loving and nurturing, or any other brand, but it never will be if both partners aren't on the same page as far as what each other needs and how you're both wired.

Does he know that you cannot climax from penetration? That doesn't make you odd, that makes you normal. Many, many women cannot climax from penetration (some can, but like you I think they are the exception, not the rule), and many, many men don't know that because many women think like you said, something is wrong with them and keep their mouths shut rather than talk it out, or think someone else must have told him before. If he hasn't been told what does and doesn't "do it" for you, it's not his failure that he's not hitting those magic spots with the right pressure or length of time that you need. Some women faking the big O just makes it worse for all of us, in my opinion. It's the same as a lie because it leaves her frustrated and makes him think he hit her buttons when he didn't.

You need to communicate with him openly and honestly. If this has been going for a while he will probably be hurt, but unless you want to continue to hate the act forever, it's a must. He needs to know what works for you, what doesn't, how your body works because every woman's body is different, and you may need a lesson in his body for similar reasons.

Pleasurable sex is two-sided. It's very (veeeery x 10) possible, but it takes a lot more work and communication than is ever represented in porn or erotica. It sounds to me as if you've let a bit of frustration that reality differs so much grow to a dangerous point. Maybe you are onto something with the lesbian thoughts and you shouldn't discount it, but I'd put more money on a misconception of how that perfect pleasure is achieved. It doesn't mean anything is wrong with you, it just means you need to work it out with your partner before it hurts either of you more than it already has.

"You had the same opportunity I did, you should have taken advantage of it," may sound like a chauvinistic comment (my fiance makes me quivery for that sort of thing, but that's for another thread and forum), but it's true. You can hate sex or love and crave it, but the difference lies in how you approach it, communicate about it, and carry it out.

It does seem like it's suppose to take too long. First the foreplay and then more intimate fore-play and then the actual sex. In the times when I'm actually more open to him touching me, I feel like I'm wrestling with getting just the right heat for fore-play - that not having an orgasm from penetration means I screwed it up and didn't get hot enough during the first part. By that point, I'm too disheartened/exhausted/frustrated with the whole damn process that I just want it to be over as soon as he can finish. And afterward I feel like crap and like a sticky, sweaty mess and like it's something I never want to do again.

All good points by velvet- here's another, along the communications line- does he know HOW you masturbate? seriously, there may be no better learning tool than a little mutual educational masturbation! And it brings a little kink factor to the table ( or bed, or washing machine, or wherever you do it) I have not had sex with many people; but a good deal of sex nonetheless. One partner though; poor thing; had 2 kids- 28 yrs old, and I don't think had ever had an orgasm I was a rather accomplished ( or so it seemed) oral artist at the time and spent nearly an hour on her one night. Every time she got close ( you can tell- breathing, squirming) she would push my head away, as though she feared the feelings she was having. Weird thing is, she couldn't get enough sex, even without orgasm We're certainly not all porn stars- men and women both have trouble living up to the scenarios in porn. It is for fantasy value, not a standard against which to measure you own worth.

I masturbate really weird. My clitoris is very sensitive and touching it with my bare hands hurts and makes it sore and numb after a while. So, I masturbate by rubbing it with my fingers through my underwear. We've tried mutual masturbation before, and I've rubbed him against me before to climax that way. He does not like that type of sex as to prevent himself from making a mess, he thinks of unsexy things and tries not to cum the whole time. So, we've stopped doing anything like that. And his fingers are thick and calloused from work and it's hard for him to find the right spots to touch through my panties, and his attempts to do so that way just frustrate me and make me want to do it myself.

How do you feel about your own body? Do you feel sexy and confident? Does your husband say or do things that make you feel sexy? I am wondering if you have body issues that might make you not want to be touched. It's hard to let someone else appreciate you if you don't like your self.

How do you feel about your husband's body? Are you attracted to him?

These are just the first thoughts I had when reading your post. It sounds like you have some serious issues about sex that probably should be worked out with a therapist and not just the folks on this site.

I think I'm alright. I know I'm not ugly but I'm not going to be winning any contests either. I love to look at my own face in the mirror and touch my own body but I do not like the way my stomach and thighs look, no. I am not a naturally confident person. He is constantly making me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world, always saying things about how beautiful and hot I look. I feel like I've put a spell on him a lot of times and he's left tripping over himself just to touch me because he just can't help it. He just can't keep his hands off me - I'm a magnetic pull to him.

My husband is big around the middle and covered back and front with hair. My love and attraction for him come from my love for him. But no, I am not entirely sexually attracted to him on a purely physical level.

Ok, the first thing, the vast majority of women don't climax from a penis in their vagina. The vagina isn't technically even a sex organ and other than an area called the G-spot, is pretty much dead to the touch, once you really get up inside it. Once you realize that, it makes perfect sense why women aren't gettting these orgasms. I'm sure you know about the clitoris, which is the major sex organ and a miniature penis. Now, if you use your fingers, a vibrator, or something on the clit during penetration, you just might have that magical orgasm you're looking for.

Honestly, though, sex with another woman might help, if she's a skilled lover. The thing is, people focus way too much on the idea of sex = penis in vagina. That's only a tiny part of the sex out there. If you ask a lesbian, most of them don't even make vaginal penetration a major part of their sex lives unless they really love G-spot play. Real lesbians are far more likely to not only go down on each other, but do things like grinding their pussies on thier partner's bodies. For example, a thigh between the legs is quite popular. (of course, it's really the same way with gay guys, who don't actually have anal sex anymore than straight couples do) The point is, you have a lot body parts and they can all be included in great sex. You just have to redefine what "sex" is.

This was a really comforting post and makes me feel a little less like I've been shut out of a party I was invited to and more like something biologically I can grasp and understand. Thank you.

Some excellent advice here already. I'll just second some of it:
- Anyone seething with rage and feeling discomfort is not going to be able to come. That's not normal. Do think about whether you actually desire your husband, and do see a therapist. The only time I've ever felt like sex was an invasion was when it was with a guy I wasn't attracted to. Do you like non-sexual cuddling and being touched? Some people just don't like being touched. Also, does your husband give you oral sex, and if so do you feel the same about that as other kinds of sex?
- It is possible for a woman to orgasm from penetration, I've done it a few times, but it's not really common.

I do like nonsexual cuddling and being touched. It's just a lot of times because of these feelings I have, I wait forever before finally giving in and giving him what he wants. So, he gets a little needy and pervy and tends to touch me a lot in sexual ways any chance he gets. As a result, ANY time he touches me puts me on edge as I see it as him trying to get me ready for sex.

We have tried oral sex, but it's the same problem we had with mutual masturbation. I feel like 1. it takes too long and to the point where he gets sore and tired. 2. he doesn't have very good navigation - even when I've shaved it for him - so I get frustrated and feel like it'd be less work if I just tickled my own clit.

there may be a few reasons your not enjoying sex with someone else..
*you are highly selfconscious..maybe your not happy with your body,or with yourself..
*your over thinking and not letting yourself enjoy the moment..
*not enough forplay..
*you are masterbating way to much! you know you have that option so you dont take advantage when your with him.
Another thing I wanted to say is the fact that a very few percent of women orgasm from just penetration...try closing your eyes and playing with your clit while he's in you then open them and take everything in slowly.try watching porn together...


**btw** Lesbians make up for not having a penis simply by being female..women know what women want..and there are tons of toys.

I think these are a few problems I might be having. But I've tried relaxing - everything from listening to music and thinking about other things to distract myself during sex; it resulted in the few times I've actually gotten close to climaxing from penetration but trying to recreate those situations results in a "Don't think about a green hippopotamus for the next 3 minutes" type of scenario. Short of sedating myself, I have no idea how to relax. I can meditate all I want before hand, drink all the Chamomille tea I want, even getting as hot and aroused as I can before the act, but when we're actually doing it, I might as well have not done shit. I tense up and all I can think about is how long it's taking, how it feels to spread my legs for a long period of time, what I'm suppose to be doing or saying to make him think I'm having a good time so he'll hurry up and finish, etc.

 

[PrettyPosie]

Hi PrettyPosie

I think your issues are more complex than simply a lack of sexual fulfillment. How happy is your marriage outside the bedroom? People don't usually 'seethe with rage' when they are intimate with someone they love. Is it purely jealousy and resentment that he's getting his rocks off or is there something else going on there? Are you faking orgasms? If so you really must stop doing that because he'll never learn what actually pleases you unless you give him accurate feedback.

Bit of a weird question perhaps but... do you have any kind of neurological health issue?

Do you mastubate with a vibrator? I ask because those toys can pack a punch and over time they'll make your clitoris less responsive to gentler stimulation like figers or oral sex. Does your guy spend time on you with foreplay? If not that should be addressed somehow.

You don't have to sit him down and announce you hate sex with him. If you do that the man may never get an erection again. Think through the points people have made on this thread and accept responsibility for the ways in which you have failed to communicate your needs and how unhappy you are during sex. As someone else pointed out, if you're 'seething with rage' even if he was doing everything right you wouldn't be relaxed enough to orgasm. I know people have seized on the 'seething with rage' but those are very strong words and it's distressing to think of any woman suffering through sex like that. If your bloke is a decent man I'm sure he would be devastated to know how you feel about sex with him.

If your husband the only guy you've had sex with? Have you had a bad experience of sex with a previous partner?

There should be nothing wrong with you masturbating during sex. Rather than be on your back or face down, why not go on top and take control of your pleasure? You can then masturbate while you have sex with him.

If you were both virgins when you slept together, you need to keep in mind that you didn't come with a manual. Even if your husband watches porn, it's not going to teach him much about pleasing a woman. Somehow you are going to have to start giving him lessons on how your body works. Porn gives lots of people a wildly unrealistic view of sex. The women in porn use lubricants, they fake multiple clitoral and penetrative orgasms, they bounce up and down on gigantic cocks gleefully for hours at a time without getting sore, tired or simply bored shitless. If your guy's only frames of reference are porn films and you letting him think his technique is fine, you really do need to address that somehow.

If their are deeper issues with your marriage than sex and intimacy, you really need to consider therapy or whether you should even be married to this guy at all.

Do you love him? Do you want to spend your life with him? What are your options if you don't?

Yes, I love my husband. He was my first and only sexual partner. I cannot imagine life without him - we were meant to be together. It is not him that I hate during sex but an overall annoyance at being forced to partake in an act that does absolutely nothing for me - I've pretty much given up trying to make it work after we've tried and tried with everything else, toys, masturbating together, oral, blindfolds, tying up, dressing up, etc. and now I consider it solely an act for his benefit. I love to spend time with him, to joke and talk and watch movies and cook with him and kiss and hug him.

He's my best friend and when I look at him, I do feel attraction and a great deal of love and devotion. But he is not happy unless we have sex on a semi-regular basis and I feel obligated to do that for him. That is where a great deal of the annoyance comes from. I dislike being forced and bullied into doing something I do not enjoy - he doesn't "bully" me in the strictest sense, but when we've experienced a long dry patch and it starts causing friction and turmoil and he brings up the fact that I don't let him touch my body in that way, then it makes me feel like I NEED to do it. Otherwise he'll be unhappy and we'll continue to argue.

There are no other options. Life without him doesn't exist for me.

A woman that I previously dated told me that she was unable to orgasm via vaginal sex. I responded by trying to make sure she came through a combination of oral sex and manual stimulation before we had intercourse. That way she was fully satisfied, and any contact that she had after she came was like icing on the cake.

Not being able to climax through vaginal penetration makes me feel like I've failed sexually. THAT is what I meant about porn possibly being an influence on my way of thinking - the primary purpose of sexual intercourse appears to be vagina + penis = 2 orgasms; one for him and one for her. I feel like I'm missing something important and crucial about the act itself and it's integral beauty when I'm left feeling unsatisfied. As if something inside me is broken or I'm doing it wrong and too stupid to figure out the magic trick to make my vagina happy inside.

 

[Lady_June]

I know I'll be "executed" but I cant stop asking myself why ppl choose to stay in unhappy relationships - coz this is an unhappy relationship, no matter what u'd say - when they do have a way out. U have no kids, no money at stake, high social status, religious preconceptions - then? U love him, he's been the only man in ur life and u wanna be with him til the day u die? Hmmm, Ive heard this record before. Perhaps this is the trouble - or one of them - thats hes been the only man in ur life. A happy marriage/relationship must encompass body, soul and mind items. When one of this is missing, the "house" will crash down, but we love hypocrisy so much, dont we? Come on, pls... U are so tough that ure gonna lie to u both the whole of ur life? Do u think u can make it? Finally unhappiness and frustration will take their toll on you 10 times more than they do now. Sorry to say, but ur stubborness will not help u in any way. Lets pretend one day he will notice the ordeal he's putting you through. What u will say to him? The truth? Or keep lying on and on? Once more, Im sorry, but ur problem is a safe passport to madness. We all have our limits, u know...

 

[NomadLady]

Sorry it has taken so long to reply to this. I wasn't really sure what to say when the initial reaction seemed to be I need therapy. Although, I agree, that is probably the best course of action, I don't really have the resources available at this time to do that. And it is just this one area of my life that is a problem - everything else is fine. And it's not that I will actually hurt anyone - sex just makes me feel frustrated and angry.



1. No. My husband does not know. I do not say anything and try my best to put on a happy face while we're fucking. I tend to believe that these feelings are a problem with me and I do not see how telling him I do not want him to touch me sexually ever again - when it is something he seems to NEED - would help. I assumed I needed to suck it up and be a team player.

2. I do not like the feeling of someone else touching me in a sexual way. I have very sensitive nipples, ass cheeks, and upper thighs - if my husband gropes me or brushes his fingers over my nipples in a sensual manner, it arouses me and puts me on edge. THAT'S when the anger starts. I feel annoyed. And the arousal isn't even the same as the kind I feel when I'm alone.



As I said, I'm sexually attracted to both genders. I have only ever had sex with my husband. I have thought about sex with other men and other women but I love my husband and would never go outside our marriage. Having sex with someone else does not enter the equation - I do not plan on divorcing him ever and under no circumstances are we open to the swinger lifestyle to ANY degree. It's just me and him 'till death.



It does seem like it's suppose to take too long. First the foreplay and then more intimate fore-play and then the actual sex. In the times when I'm actually more open to him touching me, I feel like I'm wrestling with getting just the right heat for fore-play - that not having an orgasm from penetration means I screwed it up and didn't get hot enough during the first part. By that point, I'm too disheartened/exhausted/frustrated with the whole damn process that I just want it to be over as soon as he can finish. And afterward I feel like crap and like a sticky, sweaty mess and like it's something I never want to do again.


I masturbate really weird. My clitoris is very sensitive and touching it with my bare hands hurts and makes it sore and numb after a while. So, I masturbate by rubbing it with my fingers through my underwear. We've tried mutual masturbation before, and I've rubbed him against me before to climax that way. He does not like that type of sex as to prevent himself from making a mess, he thinks of unsexy things and tries not to cum the whole time. So, we've stopped doing anything like that. And his fingers are thick and calloused from work and it's hard for him to find the right spots to touch through my panties, and his attempts to do so that way just frustrate me and make me want to do it myself.


I think I'm alright. I know I'm not ugly but I'm not going to be winning any contests either. I love to look at my own face in the mirror and touch my own body but I do not like the way my stomach and thighs look, no. I am not a naturally confident person. He is constantly making me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world, always saying things about how beautiful and hot I look. I feel like I've put a spell on him a lot of times and he's left tripping over himself just to touch me because he just can't help it. He just can't keep his hands off me - I'm a magnetic pull to him.

My husband is big around the middle and covered back and front with hair. My love and attraction for him come from my love for him. But no, I am not entirely sexually attracted to him on a purely physical level.



This was a really comforting post and makes me feel a little less like I've been shut out of a party I was invited to and more like something biologically I can grasp and understand. Thank you.



I do like nonsexual cuddling and being touched. It's just a lot of times because of these feelings I have, I wait forever before finally giving in and giving him what he wants. So, he gets a little needy and pervy and tends to touch me a lot in sexual ways any chance he gets. As a result, ANY time he touches me puts me on edge as I see it as him trying to get me ready for sex.

We have tried oral sex, but it's the same problem we had with mutual masturbation. I feel like 1. it takes too long and to the point where he gets sore and tired. 2. he doesn't have very good navigation - even when I've shaved it for him - so I get frustrated and feel like it'd be less work if I just tickled my own clit.



I think these are a few problems I might be having. But I've tried relaxing - everything from listening to music and thinking about other things to distract myself during sex; it resulted in the few times I've actually gotten close to climaxing from penetration but trying to recreate those situations results in a "Don't think about a green hippopotamus for the next 3 minutes" type of scenario. Short of sedating myself, I have no idea how to relax. I can meditate all I want before hand, drink all the Chamomille tea I want, even getting as hot and aroused as I can before the act, but when we're actually doing it, I might as well have not done shit. I tense up and all I can think about is how long it's taking, how it feels to spread my legs for a long period of time, what I'm suppose to be doing or saying to make him think I'm having a good time so he'll hurry up and finish, etc.

If this has been going on the entire three years of your marriage and you don't feel you can talk to your husband about it then you are doing him a GREAT injustice by lying to him. You do need professional help and should do whatever it takes to get it. If he knew about your problem don't you think he would do what he could to help you get the therapy you needed? or are you afraid he'd leave? You really can't have such a great, honest and trusting relationship with "your soulmate" when you loathe their simple touch.

I'm not sure how old you are but I hope you aren't considering having children anytime soon because it is painfully obvious from your writings that you have no patience. There must have been something traumatic that happened in your past because seething in rage while your husband is trying to make love to you is just not normal. Have you tried stopping masturbation for awhile and trying to redirect your sexual response to him in a loving, tender and intimate manner?

 

[BertrandRussell]

...He was my first and only sexual partner. I cannot imagine life without him - we were meant to be together...There are no other options. Life without him doesn't exist for me...

As long as you believe this, you are locked in your own prison. I think that you are hiding your hatred of sex from him because you are afraid to take the chance of telling him the truth. If you told him the truth, he might leave you.

How long are you going to keep hiding the truth from him? The longer that you wait, the worse it will be when you finally tell him.

If you never tell him, you will grow to hate him.

Not being able to climax through vaginal penetration makes me feel like I've failed sexually.

No, HE has failed sexually. Any guy that has had sex with you for three years, and does not notice that you hate it is a totally incompetent lover.

.

 

[NestleSnipes]

No. My husband does not know. I do not say anything and try my best to put on a happy face while we're fucking. I tend to believe that these feelings are a problem with me and I do not see how telling him I do not want him to touch me sexually ever again - when it is something he seems to NEED - would help. I assumed I needed to suck it up and be a team player.

Bingo.

My advice would be to sit down and have a talk with your husband about your thoughts and feelings. You sound like you're in a healthy and positive relationship outside of the bedroom and so that should carry over into the conversation. When it comes down to it, you might find more than just answers as to why you're in the position you are in. You might find yourself in some amazing sex.

I understand that you don't want to cause a stir or an argument but it doesn't have to start with you sharing " I do not want you to touch me sexually ever again". In fact, the tone in your first posts suggests that all you want is to enjoy the next time he touches you again. It is possible but I would venture to say it will never reach it's true potential without both of you on the same page sexually.

The fact that you have shared the sensitivity of your clit is a start. I like to hear that both of you have worked on a middle ground for stimulation outside of intercourse and just because it didn't work out doesn't mean satisfaction can be found. It can.

If I leave you with anything it's to stress what someone else has mentioned in this thread already. Many women do not orgasm through sexual intercourse alone. Many women do not enjoy sex with their life partners either. Just because you're perfect for each other in every other way doesn't mean you're a match made in heaven in the sack. The best way to find a sexually pleasing adventure for the both of you is through communication. If you two both love each other, want to please one another and want to be pleased... than the foundation of a happy sex life could start with a simple list of questions between the both of you.

What does he enjoy? What do you enjoy? How can we combine the two? What does he fantasize about? What do you fantasize about? How can you make those realities? What does he dislike? what do you dislike? How can both of you avoid said dislikes? The lists go on and on. It could turn into the best conversation you've ever had and the best choice you've ever made "for you".

Opening a thread at literotica and talking through the several quality replies might bring you to a less irritated state and might even give you a few ideas. However, the only other person who matters in your sex life is being left out of the conversation.

Talk to him and Good luck.

 

[qrayze]

If your skin is super sensitive so that it's almost painful to be touched, then it sounds like a neurological disorder. See a specialist about it; there may be something you can do or take that can correct it.

hell, research it online to see if your symptoms match a disorder, then take your findings to a doctor or specialist.

 

[favoritesgoddess]

He's my best friend and when I look at him, I do feel attraction and a great deal of love and devotion. But he is not happy unless we have sex on a semi-regular basis and I feel obligated to do that for him. That is where a great deal of the annoyance comes from. I dislike being forced and bullied into doing something I do not enjoy - he doesn't "bully" me in the strictest sense, but when we've experienced a long dry patch and it starts causing friction and turmoil and he brings up the fact that I don't let him touch my body in that way, then it makes me feel like I NEED to do it. Otherwise he'll be unhappy and we'll continue to argue.

I have a lot of the same issues you do. You are NOT ALONE.

For me, I can't enjoy sex if I feel obligated to do it, and one of the things I've had to work on in my own marriage is figuring out how to want to have sex. Oh, it was easy at first, newlywed, on fire for each other, excited to learn all about each other's body and not having to worry about who might hear.

Now, 12 years later, I still love my husband--more today than on our wedding day, even--but between the demands of three kids, the hormonal upheaval of having a baby, the daily pressure of keeping a house and paying the bills and saxophone lessons and potty training and making dinner and...*sigh*

At the end of the day, the last thing I want to do is to make sure his needs are being met too. I don't need sex as much as I need to be left alone with some peace and quiet, and sometimes it seems like I'm doing it just to get it over with. Recognizing that this is a problem in the first place goes a long way towards fixing the problem, though. For me, it's knowing that I have to have my needs met too, so I have a few nights a week out away from home and hearth to take a class or sing with my choir or have drinks with the girls. I come home refreshed and renewed, needs met, and more able to give again.

The fact that our sexual needs don't always match up doesn't mean we have an unhappy or unloving relationship. It just means that our needs aren't currently meshing and that in the course of a lifetime it's to be expected. What we have to do is to work to smooth things out. It's what any successful marriage needs. And it's why so many end in divorce. It's easier to just bail when things are tough. Scrap it and find a new one! Know what? It's not an option here either. But neither is knowing there's a problem and pretending it doesn't exist, hoping it will go away. If you want happily ever after, you have to be honest and open.

Talk, talk and more talk helps. A lot. Be brutally honest. If doesn't know the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, he can't help. He can't be part of the solution. If you are hiding this from him, you're not being fair to him. Let your love for him be the force that drives you. Treat him the way you'd like him to treat you if positions were reversed. (If he were miserable, would you want him to just grin and bear it?)

I second, third, and tenth the idea that you need a professional to help you. Changing the whole way you think about anything is a gigantic undertaking. You say you don't have the resources available, but I find that's seldom true. You may just think you don't have the resources. Start with your local hospital and ask to speak to a social worker. Most have at least one on staff, and if they don't they'll give you the number of where you can find one. Explain that you need to see a therapist, and exactly what your limitations are. Their job is to make sure that you get the help you need, and they know of all sorts of resources that you don't. If you hit a dead end at the hospital, you can go to your state's website to the Health and Human Services division and look for a social worker there.

If you want to change things and have the sexual relationship you've dreamed about, you will have to make some changes. If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got. Think of coming here and asking others for advice on the next step as the first step of many.

 

[HunnyBee18]

At the end of the day, the last thing I want to do is to make sure his needs are being met too. I don't need sex as much as I need to be left alone with some peace and quiet, and sometimes it seems like I'm doing it just to get it over with. Recognizing that this is a problem in the first place goes a long way towards fixing the problem, though. For me, it's knowing that I have to have my needs met too, so I have a few nights a week out away from home and hearth to take a class or sing with my choir or have drinks with the girls. I come home refreshed and renewed, needs met, and more able to give again.

I know how that is... having to deal with all the myriad issues of a wife and mother, and by the end of the day ANYTHING that cuts into relaxation is an imposition, even sex with the one you love.

You may have already tried/considered this, but other times of the day can be much more effective during this time of your life - wake up half an hour early for a quickie, surprise him in the shower, or text him to meet you at lunch... whatever you can fit into your daily schedule in a more spontaneous manner.

I agree that kids are the ultimate birth control - but you can work around the damper they try to place on your sex life with a little creativity

 

[The Gimp]

Not being able to climax through vaginal penetration makes me feel like I've failed sexually. THAT is what I meant about porn possibly being an influence on my way of thinking - the primary purpose of sexual intercourse appears to be vagina + penis = 2 orgasms; one for him and one for her.

You and I are now in a similar boat in that when I have sex with my girlfriend, I almost never orgasm. In my previous relationship we were married, we never used condoms, and I came every time we had sex. With the new girlfriend we use a higher level of protection, and I can count on one finger the number of times that I've cum using a condom. It's not like I don't like sex anymore because I do, but being unable to cum has slashed my interest in intercourse.

I'd just assume perform oral sex on her until she cums, then roll over and go to sleep. I can understand how not cumming ever makes you pretty much uninterested in sex as a whole.

Tell your partner that not having an orgasm is killing your interest in sex, and I can pretty much guarantee that he will be willing to work with you. His next best option is a reduction in sex, which no man will want to go along with.

 

[uglyawkward]

Maybe when your husband has sex with you you feel he is putting you in a submissive state and you don't like that. Maybe you don't like being topped. Perhaps you could try getting him to lay down and to take no action at all, to not even touch you, and you take the initiative and touch him as much or as little as you want. Would that make you more comfortable?

I think your husband deserves to be told. You're never going to be able to get over this unless you can work through it, and you'll need his love, support and understanding.

I'm reminded of a bit Janeane Garofalo does in one of her stand up routines. "Have you ever been having sex with someone... and you just want to punch them in the face?

Just stop it!

Stop fucking me!"

 

[Maverick_Man]

over

Well - write up your divorce papers now because HE wont be around...you sound like almost 50% of the women in the world.....hey, isnt that the divorce rate........ LMOA no, ROFLMAO

 

[HunnyBee18]

Well - write up your divorce papers now because HE wont be around...you sound like almost 50% of the women in the world.....hey, isnt that the divorce rate........ LMOA no, ROFLMAO

You're half right. She sounds like the partners of 50% of the men in the world. Sucks that so few men are good lovers, doesn't it?

 

[Red_and_Mackie]

You're half right. She sounds like the partners of 50% of the men in the world. Sucks that so few men are good lovers, doesn't it?

*snickers*
Intelligent snark is sexy.

 

[Maverick_Man]

You're half right. She sounds like the partners of 50% of the men in the world. Sucks that so few men are good lovers, doesn't it?

Hey - I wont argue with that comment either, LOL.... touche' ! I just remember her saying she has no interest, not "my lover sucks"

All I can say is that when you are in love- your mind - your emotions - your body and soul are fully inter-twined.......your life together is mind blowing your talks, your laughs and giggles, activities-walking on the beach, life is very romantic and you are so connected, including the desires to please your partner.....whether that comes in as massages, baths together, or ultimate pleasure seeking sex for each other. I get as much from giving as I do in recieving, because I am ALL there for her. It just seems something is missing in her relationship and she isnt fulfilled!. so the first to go, is sex.

 

[SweetErika]

Hey - I wont argue with that comment either, LOL.... touche' ! I just remember her saying she has no interest, not "my lover sucks"

All I can say is that when you are in love- your mind - your emotions - your body and soul are fully inter-twined.......your life together is mind blowing your talks, your laughs and giggles, activities-walking on the beach, life is very romantic and you are so connected, including the desires to please your partner.....whether that comes in as massages, baths together, or ultimate pleasure seeking sex for each other. I get as much from giving as I do in recieving, because I am ALL there for her. It just seems something is missing in her relationship and she isnt fulfilled!. so the first to go, is sex.

How long have you been married? Do you have kids?

What you're putting out there is the fairytale version, which leads me to believe you've never actually experienced reality. Marriage is great (for me at least), but it's not like what you describe after a decade or two for the vast majority of people.

 

[Maverick_Man]

For me, now 30 years, 3 great kids 28 -25 -22 Maybe I am the lucky few. Also self-employed with 200 employees. I juggle a lot in my life, but I like to believe I live life to the fullest. My brothers and sister have all been divorced, some more than once. I see what went wrong or goes off the rails, but I dont think any of them thought they were the problem....you have to have 2 people...unselfesh about themselves, and willing to give and support fully. Thats why you married in the first place. Is it easy?...no, does it take work?...absolutely....is it worth it in the end......yes!

She either has to stick it out and pretend she enjoys it, if her man enjoys it, or she will become a statistic.....Maybe I was sarcastic in the begining, and I dont like to stereo type, but men and women are different in almost every way...especially how we think....but then thats how we compliment each other....we complete each other....So - my guess is, she may not see the light at the end of the tunnel or how she is making her guy feel if he enjoys it and she hates it. That does not make for a lasting relationship
This could go on forever....I didnt mean to strike a nreve out there with everyone, but there is more here than meets the eye.

Dr. Mav, LOL

 

[HunnyBee18]

Hey - I wont argue with that comment either, LOL.... touche' ! I just remember her saying she has no interest, not "my lover sucks"

All I can say is that when you are in love- your mind - your emotions - your body and soul are fully inter-twined.......your life together is mind blowing your talks, your laughs and giggles, activities-walking on the beach, life is very romantic and you are so connected, including the desires to please your partner.....whether that comes in as massages, baths together, or ultimate pleasure seeking sex for each other. I get as much from giving as I do in recieving, because I am ALL there for her. It just seems something is missing in her relationship and she isnt fulfilled!. so the first to go, is sex.

Yes - but she also said he has been her only lover. So.. he's all she knows. And if you've only ever had horrible pizza, you would probably think you hate pizza.

On a seperate note, I admit I took (perhaps) undue exception to your post and responded with a more snide tone than I like to hear from myself. So I do feel I owe you an apology.

 

[HornyVikingMN]

Hmmm....

PrettyPosie - I'll do my best to resist playing amateur therapist here, but I can't help but notice that in all your responses to the posts in your thread you haven't addressed a question that several have raised. You have said that your husband is your one and only sex partner, but you have not said that you did not have a traumatic experience of a sexual nature some time in your past.

From your descriptions, it sounds like your husband is perhaps a willing but somewhat clumsy lover. That, in and of itself, seems unlikely to provoke the feelings of rage that you express. Frustration yes, but "get the fuck away and don't ever touch me like that again...", probably not.

And, after almost 19 years of marriage I can tell you that being the "team player" and submitting to your husband's desires is sure to cause problems down the road. I think it'd be damn-near impossible to have the feelings you do and have it not turn to resentment toward your husband. Your expressions of love for your husband are admirable - but at some level he's also being denied the enjoyment of a fully participating partner. Do this for yourself, first and foremost, but he'll also benefit from a happier wife.

I hear what you're saying about not having the resources to see a therapist, but I would encourage you to at least inquire. Who knows, someone might be willing to see you for a reduced fee? There's no harm in making a few calls.

Good luck! We're pulling for you.

 

[BertrandRussell]

... but you have not said that you did not have a traumatic experience of a sexual nature some time in your past.

... your husband is perhaps a willing but somewhat clumsy lover. That, in and of itself, seems unlikely to provoke the feelings of rage that you express...

Posie, if something did happen in the past, it is not your fault.

.

 

[Rewritten]

I think its the chronic masturbation that has made you selfish to your own desires, your way or the highway.