What's up with this? Calling all "straight but..." guys and gals!

[SweetErika]

I've seen a lot of people (but guys, mostly) describing themselves as things like:

-normally straight
-mostly straight
-pretty straight
-"straight"
-straight but curious
-completely straight

In the contexts I'm thinking of, there's usually a "but..." though, and it involves wanting/enjoying some kind of same-sex sexual encounter, such as giving/receiving a blowjob/oral, or being fucked by another dude.

Now, I'm not one to slap labels on other people, and I truly believe people can identify/label themselves however they want, but I honestly can't figure this one out.

How come these people (who say they're straight but want same-sex encounters) are so vocal about being "straight"? Why not say they're "bi" or "bi-curious" if they're attracted to the opposite sex AND at least desirous of having a same-sex encounter of some type? Or maybe "bi with a (strong) preference for relationships with (wo)men"? Are they in denial? Afraid of being bi or bi-curious for some reason(s)? Is being bi a bad thing, or is it better to be "straight but..." in some way? And if so, how do you feel it's bad/better?

If you identify as, or say you're, "straight but..." could you help me understand why that is?

*****
Please understand I'm not trying to offend anyone, I'm simply trying to understand this because I feel ignorant about it and would like to hear personal perspectives. I apologize in advance if it does offend anyone; I see where this could be a touchy subject, and I haven't spent a ton of time reading my post from every perspective.

Thanks in advance for your time and honest perspectives!
*****

 

[Hitchiker69]

I'm straight, but...

For me it started when a I was hitchikng a lot, and still in my teens. Always horny, I would get propositioned by a driver, always guys and strangers. I figured any sex was good sex, and if no one else knew, whats the harm? So I was straight, but when the opportunity arose, I was bi.

Later, when it happened again and again, I began to participate and reciprocate. Eventually my man to man sex became about 30% of all my sexual experience. I knew I'd crossed the line when walked into a gay bar, or went cruising for guys.

But now that I haven't had a cock for over 20 years, I figure I'm straight, but I have a bi history.

 

[marcmilten]

bi thoughts

i think being bi sexual is more than just having same sex amoung gender, i dont feel because you have sex with some1 this means you have emotions for them etc, i have sucked 1 cock so far in my life out of being very horny and the chemistry being just right, i prefer woman any day of the week though but if the mode was right and setting i would probally do it again, i dont believe that I was born straight gay or bi, i think its through experments that i have made a choice of which i choose as a life style, i still find woman far more attractive but when watching she male mainly over bi vids, as bi vids sometimes have ugly actors, i get really arroused, but lesbian vids have the same effect on me.

i feel i am very open minded, i know a lot of gay people and lesbian people and i have no issues with their own personal feelings and actions as it isnt my buisness, i hate lables, and how you feel you are, you are, so if you feel you are st8 but at times like to suck a dick well maybe its just the sex act of it you want and nothing else, NSA.... I hope this doesnt offend any1 as im only speaking for my own desires..

 

[carverII]

I don't get it either. Is it because we have become a society that craves lables, or is it because there is still too much religious stigma on homosexuality?

I like sex. Period. I do not have the need to define who I am by someone's standards because I am comfortable with myself.

 

[nbghyt56]

to me, i fall in the 'straight but....' category because i feel emotionally attracted to women and want to be with them, 'but' i want the sexual satisfaction of being with a man. i have zero desire to have any sort of relationship with a man, but i do have sexual fantasies about them. my feelings toward women are completely different in that i have all the sexual fantasies and i want a relationship with them.

 

[SweetErika]

Hmm... So, if I'm understanding correctly, the consensus so far is that people may describe themselves as "straight but..." when they don't have an equal number of interactions with, or the same type of interest in (pure sex vs. emotion vs. serious relationships) the same gender as the opposite gender.

I guess I've always thought of bisexuality as 'at least a sexual attraction to both men and women.' For me, it's on the greater straight-gay continuum, so some bisexuals are prefer one gender to another for most of their interactions (e.g. a woman having serious relationships with men mostly), and some only like certain types of interactions with a certain gender (e.g. a man liking oral sex with men).

I seem to have a preference for having very serious, long-term relationships with men; I don't think I'd do well living with, or being married to, a woman. And I haven't had a lot of experience with women because I don't need to have a F/F relationship constantly and it's just hard to find good women for the type of relationship I want since I'm married to a man and all. I think of myself as firmly bi, though, just on the basis that I'm strongly attracted to both men and women and can enjoy sex with either. If I were straight, I doubt I'd seek anything beyond friendship with women, at least beyond the "curious/try-it-out" stage.

But then it's also more generally socially acceptable for women to be bi, so I've also never felt uncomfortable with that label.

 

[veryvera]

As a straight girl with a number of lesbian sexual encounters, it's kind of difficult to explain why I call myself straight rather than bi.

I guess it's because most of my sexual experiences, most of my serious romantic attachments, crushes, relationships, fantasies, include men, not women. By most I'd say 80% or so.. Occasionally I find myself attracted to females, fantasize about lesbian sex or enjoy that action in a threesome. But it's rather rare.

I feel it's misleading to call myself bi because to me bi means more or less equal interest in both genders. And I'm not like that at all.. The interest is occasional and I think I'll always love cock more than pussy.

Anyway, I think it's a possibility that one day I'll date a girl and I think that's when I'll have to consider myself bisexual. But so far I've never fallen in love that hard and been involved with a girl both sexually and emotionally so the possible bi part of me seems somehow ..not dominant?

So I consider myself an open-minded hetero girl for now.

 

[cadman7777]

As a straight girl with a number of lesbian sexual encounters, it's kind of difficult to explain why I call myself straight rather than bi.

I guess it's because most of my sexual experiences, most of my serious romantic attachments, crushes, relationships, fantasies, include men, not women. By most I'd say 80% or so.. Occasionally I find myself attracted to females, fantasize about lesbian sex or enjoy that action in a threesome. But it's rather rare.

I feel it's misleading to call myself bi because to me bi means more or less equal interest in both genders. And I'm not like that at all.. The interest is occasional and I think I'll always love cock more than pussy.

Anyway, I think it's a possibility that one day I'll date a girl and I think that's when I'll have to consider myself bisexual. But so far I've never fallen in love that hard and been involved with a girl both sexually and emotionally so the possible bi part of me seems somehow ..not dominant?

So I consider myself an open-minded hetero girl for now.

pmed you babydoll

 

[Piersman]

Hi All,

After lurking for a while I thought I'd better say hello

For me, a straight male who has never had a homosexual encounter... but does fantasise about gay, group, mixed, etc... when I'm in the mood I would sum it up with a phrase said to me many years ago...

"You know what, I might be gay, but in 40 years on this planet I've not yet met a bloke I fancy"

Doesn't mean I don't fantasise about it though! ;-)

 

[infinity706]

I was actually wondering about this question myself. I think the issue for the guys is usually, I don't like guys and am just after their cocks. Of course, for women, I've never seen straight, but until today. I have met a few "open-minded lesbians," though. They enjoy having a relationship with a guy, but like women far more. Part of it might have to do with bi not really being acceptable by either the gay or straight group standards. The gay side is sometimes a bit untrusting of bis because they might "become straight" or something.

I guess where I stand is, everyone is bi to a point, but very few seem to want to call it bisexual.

 

[littlesquirt]

I'm also in the "straight but..." category. For me I love women. I love being with my girlfriend doing whatever. Getting naked and having sex, dinner and a movie, walking in the mall holding hands, watching tv on the couch. I would never want to do any of the non sex things with a boyfriend. I don't even want to kiss him. Its really all about his cock, playing with it, tasting it, making him cum. I don't have any desire to do anal. I don't want to cuddle with him afterwards.

Its just about playing with a cock. For some reason they are real interesting to me.

 

[bi golly]

Labels are a tool of analysis. They seek to further understanding by imposing classifications that rest on differences between the items under study. The spectrum of human sexual responsiveness is broad enough that it is not so easily partitioned.

I am most attracted to women. I like the way the feel. I am an assertive male in almost all respects. I am a sober, responsible person who takes pride in being in control of himself. I don't try to control others. I expect others to practice the same level of self control and responsibility that I attempt to practice.

The idea of being on the receiving end of male to male sex is very stimulating because I would not be in control. My male sexual experiences have been very limited, but the idea of being with a man who would know what to do to push my pleasure buttons and know how to bring me pleasures that I have not ever experienced is a powerful fantasy. Being with a woman who wants control is also a powerful fantasy. Male-to-male sex still has a very forbidden allure. Although there are a lot of men in public life who are out of the closet, what about the uncounted multitude that is still in the closet?

I've met a few men where I was attracted to them and I could feel the desire to be with them. I don't know if they were gay or not. I just felt very close to them. Maybe it would have developed into a full scale crush, I don't know. It just didn't progress that far.

I've been propositioned, hit on and accosted. My reaction in all of those cases was to pull back. I was walking along a street one night in a ski resort and a man bumped into me and copped a feel on my cock. He took a couple of steps more and then waited to see what my reaction would be. My reaction was to feel pity for him, that he was fondling strangers on the street in an attempt to find intimacy; pity that he was in an emotional state that a chance sexual encounter on the street was his substitute for intimate connection.

When I was married, I went into a store near the 'gay' part of Seattle, and a young black man attempted to strike up a conversation with me. I don't think I look particularly gay; 'manscaped' is not a word that would come to mind if you met me. But he tried gainfully to chat me up. He was about 5'10', 150 lbs. I'm 6'4", 225. I think if the same thing were to happen today, I might take him up on it. But I didn't then because I was married and family meant everything to me.

I think I would enjoy rolling around in bed with a guy for whom I felt some amount of emotional connection, but I'm past the point in my life where I am governed by the desire for yet another orgasm. I would like to feel his naked body next to mine under the sheets. I would like to play with his cock and feel him play with mine. I would like to offer pleasure and find pleasure with him. Finding the right person is hard.

 

[BritPup]

No such data

 

[south_florida_bicur]

open minded

I've seen a lot of people (but guys, mostly) describing themselves as things like:

-normally straight
-mostly straight
-pretty straight
-"straight"
-straight but curious
-completely straight

*****

My experience is 1 time I let a guy give me oral to completion and on another time I jacked a guys cock but not to completion. This happened probably around 10 years ago.

Years before I had any bi thoughts I considered myself 100% straight. After these 2 situations, I considered myself bi-curious. Then talking to some great people online, its better to call myself open minded. I call myself open minded because calling yourself curious created alot of questions. At what point do you stop calling yourself curious and call yourself bi? Its so much easier just calling your self open minded.

I only date women but like most other guys its a cock thing that I crave. I am not into the emotional stuff with another guy.

 

[SweetErika]

My experience is 1 time I let a guy give me oral to completion and on another time I jacked a guys cock but not to completion. This happened probably around 10 years ago.

Years before I had any bi thoughts I considered myself 100% straight. After these 2 situations, I considered myself bi-curious. Then talking to some great people online, its better to call myself open minded. I call myself open minded because calling yourself curious created alot of questions. At what point do you stop calling yourself curious and call yourself bi? Its so much easier just calling your self open minded.

I only date women but like most other guys its a cock thing that I crave. I am not into the emotional stuff with another guy.

I confirmed I was bi when I had my first sexual encounter with a woman. It felt right, completely natural, and I knew I wanted to do it again in the future.

At that point, I was no longer questioning or curious; I knew I enjoyed being with (the right) women, and therefore, was bisexual (based on the definition of 'enjoying sexual interactions or having more than a platonic attraction to both sexes').

I don't feel the amount of sex or interactions or type of interactions (beyond platonic) have anything to do with my sexuality/orientation. I was bisexual before I had any sex with women or openly admitted my attraction to women, just like kids who have never done anything are straight, bi or gay. Only having sex with men, or even mainly dating and having sex with them now, doesn't make me any less bi, just like not practicing BDSM at times hasn't made me any less kinky. I still fantasize about women and kink, and clearly enjoy sexual interactions with women and kinky play and D/s relationships, and that's what makes me bi and kinky.

It's an inner knowledge and acceptance, I think.

 

[wicked woman]

I confirmed I was bi when I had my first sexual encounter with a woman. It felt right, completely natural, and I knew I wanted to do it again in the future.

At that point, I was no longer questioning or curious; I knew I enjoyed being with (the right) women, and therefore, was bisexual (based on the definition of 'enjoying sexual interactions or having more than a platonic attraction to both sexes').

I don't feel the amount of sex or interactions or type of interactions (beyond platonic) have anything to do with my sexuality/orientation. I was bisexual before I had any sex with women or openly admitted my attraction to women, just like kids who have never done anything are straight, bi or gay. Only having sex with men, or even mainly dating and having sex with them now, doesn't make me any less bi, just like not practicing BDSM at times hasn't made me any less kinky. I still fantasize about women and kink, and clearly enjoy sexual interactions with women and kinky play and D/s relationships, and that's what makes me bi and kinky.

It's an inner knowledge and acceptance, I think.

Erika I agree completely.

I too realized I was bisexual, and now call myself bisexual, after a sexual experience with a woman that I thoroughly enjoyed.

As for your comment that you can be bisexual (or any sexual orientation)regardless of your sexual activity, but I also think that the continuum of sexual orientation is flexible. I wouldn't even have considered myself bicurious until I met the woman I had a sexual relationship with. I have an open mind. I'm a sexual being. She was hot as hell!

I think your last comment is the kicker though...'it's an inner knowledge and acceptance'. It's a huge jump to accept a change in yourself in something as important and all-encompassing as your sexual orientation. At least it was for me.

I also think this acceptance is sometimes hindered, especially for men, when society still sends messages all over the place that being heterosexual is best. Yes society is more accepting of other sexual orientations now than it was before, but let's not kid ourselves that things are equal.

 

[DarkBee]

I had thoughts about how it could be, having sex with a man. Fortunately, an older gay guy lived next door to me and was very eager to introduce a young man like myself to gay sex. We had sex twice (although he didn't fuck, something I still want to experience), but it just didn't do it for me. I wasn't disgusted afterwards or anything, it just wasn't all that special, and kissing him felt like licking sanding paper...
Nowadays, the majority of my porn collection exists of lesbian sex in every configuration imaginable.

 

[bequ23]

I confirmed I was bi when I had my first sexual encounter with a woman. It felt right, completely natural, and I knew I wanted to do it again in the future.

At that point, I was no longer questioning or curious; I knew I enjoyed being with (the right) women, and therefore, was bisexual (based on the definition of 'enjoying sexual interactions or having more than a platonic attraction to both sexes').

I don't feel the amount of sex or interactions or type of interactions (beyond platonic) have anything to do with my sexuality/orientation. I was bisexual before I had any sex with women or openly admitted my attraction to women, just like kids who have never done anything are straight, bi or gay. Only having sex with men, or even mainly dating and having sex with them now, doesn't make me any less bi, just like not practicing BDSM at times hasn't made me any less kinky. I still fantasize about women and kink, and clearly enjoy sexual interactions with women and kinky play and D/s relationships, and that's what makes me bi and kinky.

It's an inner knowledge and acceptance, I think.

I am married and have considered myself "bi-curious" for a long time. I fantasized about women, I read Lesbian erotica, I preferred the FF sex in pornos over any other combination. But I had never had any kind of sexual encounter with a woman. I used the "curious" tag more to explain that I WANT to be with a woman, but never had been with a woman.

Then I had a long weekend with another woman. We talked, we enjoyed each others' company, we had incredible sex and cuddled. If I could be with her agian I would be in a heartbeat. I now consider myself bisexual and I will continue to consider myself bisexual even if I never have another FF encounter.

 

[johnnyfm78]

When asked, I usually describe myself as bi-friendly. I've jerked other guys off, given blow-jobs, and have been lucky enough to be in a few MFMs that included double penetration (much more logistically tricky that I was expecting, and with more of an intimacy feeling between the MMs too!). Nevertheless, "bisexual" seems like the wrong way to describe me. There have only been two occasions where I've played with another guy alone (no ladyfriend present), and it simply didn't feel all that satisfying to me. Not that it wasn't enjoyable on a certain level, but it just wasn't the kind of thing I have any desire to seek out again. I know couples that I fantasize about fucking, but very rarely do I ever think about getting it on with a particular guy alone. That's why I don't call myself bisexual. I'm very comfortable with same-sex activity, but usually as part of a multi-partner situation.

 

[south_florida_bicur]

I confirmed I was bi when I had my first sexual encounter with a woman. It felt right, completely natural, and I knew I wanted to do it again in the future.

At that point, I was no longer questioning or curious; I knew I enjoyed being with (the right) women, and therefore, was bisexual (based on the definition of 'enjoying sexual interactions or having more than a platonic attraction to both sexes').

I don't feel the amount of sex or interactions or type of interactions (beyond platonic) have anything to do with my sexuality/orientation. I was bisexual before I had any sex with women or openly admitted my attraction to women, just like kids who have never done anything are straight, bi or gay. Only having sex with men, or even mainly dating and having sex with them now, doesn't make me any less bi, just like not practicing BDSM at times hasn't made me any less kinky. I still fantasize about women and kink, and clearly enjoy sexual interactions with women and kinky play and D/s relationships, and that's what makes me bi and kinky.

It's an inner knowledge and acceptance, I think.

You say you were bi before your first interaction but confirmed it once you had interacted with another female? What if your first experience was so bad that you did not like the whole experience and decided never to have sex with another woman again? Would you no longer be bi?

That is why I never say I am bi because I never really had a m / m experience. The 2 experiences I had were in a xxx store. I did not know the other guy and basically got caught up in the moment.

 

[Martin1110]

Labels

I am not sure when someone is labelled and when they are not. It seems however the consensus falls in the area of intimacy or emotional feelings towards one's sexual partner which determines the status of what one calls him or herself.
I wonder however if those who call themselves straight aren't being governed by societal pressures to stay above board but yet engage in what is considered homosexual practices. A male who fellates another is engaging in homosexual behavior (or if you don't like that particular word, male on male behavior) or even those "straights" who enjoy being taken anally. Even the "active" side of the equation is engaging in homosexual behavior. Face it, no matter how you look at it, it is NOT heterosexual sex.
To ease this concern about being labelled, psychology in the field of human sexuality do offer a continuum of 1 to 7 (1 being exclusively straight and 7 being exclusively gay) in sexual behaviors or desires. Personally I feel that most people fall between those ends of the spectrum but am willing to submit that those same "most" never step over the line. But one has to admit that whatever sex there is, there is something that has to be "labelled."
Yes, there is an "exclusivity" in sexual preference and whatever it is, no one is putting a gun to your head as to what it is. It is something we want to do all the time, some of the time, or never.
I think the important thing here is to admit to oneself that this is what we enjoy and who gives a shit about what others are thinking. Normally we don't broadcast it anyway except on boards like this. This isn't a "kaffeeklatsch" matter and no one's business.
Go ahead and call yourself whatever you want, but bottom line is that you are engaging in behavior that you wouldn't tell your mother about and that same goes for me too. I am straight some of the time, I am bisexual some of the times, and I am homosexual some of the times. I enjoy all three.

 

[Etoile]

This is a great thread.

 

[BritPup]

Something else to consider: "straight but..." is definitely the right label for those prisoners who choose to play with their own sex only when locked up and deprived of the opposite sex. I don't think 'bisexual' would best describe them.

And a label is just a convenient shorthand for something more complicated.

 

[Martin1110]

Continued or on a Continuum?

In response to BritPup's observation, I am willing to grant the concession that there are circumstances where there is no other outlet, such as in prison and the ilk, where a "label" becomes kind of temporary, but...
Bottom line, very few people find themselves in these kinds of situations. It becomes a choice outside of those limited scenarios.
In re-reading these threads, I again emphasize that sexuality is on a continuum and there is nothing to apologize for anything that we do within reason.
Of all the scenarios that the original poster painted, I find that "straight, but..." is the most problematical. It is anything but that. Yes, there may be circumstances in one's life that the innermost recesses of the sexual brain awakens to possibilities of variations and this leads us to this kind of discussion. Maybe again in concession to BritPup's observation of limited sexual scenarios, there might be those in sexless marriages, invariance to sexual expressions among the committed couples, etc. which leads to entertainment of expansion to the different things out there.
I've been on the Internet for some 10 years now and I am amazed how the 1 to 7 continuum tightens or slide up and down the scale like an ice-skating rink at Rockerfeller Plaza, but again, there are those who insist that they are straight.
In our younger years, men's minds are quite closed and limited to the sexual choices or expressions that are out there. It does take a maturity of mind to digest anything more if one does consider themselves as straight. Yes, there are 40, 50, 60-year olds and more who still insist on straight sex and the proponderance is still quite on their side and that's OK, but it slays me that there are those whose mantra is "straight but..."
As for women, I can't say. I am a man and so I can only say what I have observed. Forget the obligatory female on female dynamics in porn. These are paid people. Women however feel less constraint about expressing themselves in same-sex scenarios. Since most porn is viewed by men, that is understandable, but it doesn't imply that women are more inclined to bisexuality any more than men are and perhaps even less so. It is so taboo among men that there be even a hint of any male interaction between themselves in any kind of MFM film. It is just a given but I feel it doesn't even touch the surface of who wants who.
It is a complicated subject and I am now finding myself underwater (lol) and so I will quit for now.
Martin.

 

[Xelebes]

Men like labels and if they feel like they are generally a label but bend it a bit, this is how they will do it.

The sky is mostly blue but sometimes it glows red.