what's the difference?

[dolf]

another post just asking to be taken the wrong way, lol...but...

I know that there is a difference, in my mind I understand that difference but I'm finding it hard to define the difference. how would you explain this to someone with no knowledge of D/s lifestyles?

1. what is the difference between being a sub and simply being a doormat or "under the thumb"?

2. what is the difference between being a Dom/me and being just a bully or a control freak?

how would you tell a vanilla if they asked you?
xx

 

[Justina123]

1. what is the difference between being a sub and simply being a doormat or "under the thumb"?

I am a submissive. I am submissive to my fiance, B, because I choose to be. For us, this encompasses all sides of our lives- bedroom, day-to-day, parenting,etc I am not submissive in this way to anyone else. I submit to B because I respect, trust, and love him.

I am also submissive to my boss at work. It is just part of my personality- he's the boss, I'm the secretary. He calls the shots. I have a ton of respect for him and his judgment and it is in my best interest to listen to him; this D/s facet of my work is also what makes me very content and happy in my job. I take some flack from other secretaries in the office for not "putting my foot down" at things like bringing him coffee, cleaning up his office when he' s had to rush out of town, etc. I figure anything I do to make his very busy and high powered business life more successful is all part of the job. In return, he pays me top dollar and, while he is definitely in charge, he'll also say "WE did it" when he is successful in a business matter. To the other secretaries at work, I am not assertive enough. However, it works very well for me and for my boss. Needless to say, my submission does not extend to anything outside of work.

2. what is the difference between being a Dom/me and being just a bully or a control freak?

B expects to have his requests met. One of the things I love about him, though, is that he is never rude, never raises his voice, etc. He does not make requests or demands of me before considering if they are reasonable. He has my best interests at heart. He knows that what makes me tick is...being what He needs. 95% of the time we do not discuss his requests/demands; but I always know I am free to politely let him know some piece of information he may need to take into consideration.

Also, a sadist flogging, whipping, and otherwise causing pain to a non-masochist is a bully (or worse). A sadist flogging, whipping, clamping, etc. a masochist, and getting off on his/her reactions, is not. It's all in the consent.

justina

 

[AngelicAssassin]

how would you tell a vanilla if they asked you?

If i desired to answer, with one word to either question.

Control.

 

[graceanne]

Re: Re: what's the difference?

If i desired to answer, with one word to either question.

Control.

That seems to be your favorite word.

 

[CutieMouse]

Re: Re: what's the difference?

*****

 

[graceanne]

Ok, as you all know in my other post, my friend is dealing with a bully. I am married to a dom. The difference? My hubby cares about me, about how I feel, about my health. I am more than a pussy to him. With a bully/control freak it's all about them. Their significant other is just a pair of tits there to serve them. They don't disipline, they abuse. When I'm disiplined, I know that I'm loved, and that he won't truelly hurt me. When they 'discipline' you dont' know that, cause they aren't thinking about you, they're thinking about them.

 

[A's Sweet Baby]

2. what is the difference between being a Dom/me and being just a bully or a control freak?

Care ... I agree completely with graceann ... a bully gains strength and empowerment from the abuse of another ... building him/herself up by tearing someone else down

I suppose the answers to both questions (for me) lies in the needs (and wants) of both people. I know that there are a variety of relationships out there, but i can only speak from my own experiences. Daddy wants me to be the best i can be ... he wants me to be a strong, capable, happy woman who can handle all life throws at her .... but who chooses to come home to him to be his little girl.

 

[Netzach]

A lot of people will take offense and umbrage at this, but it's how we are with the "rest of the world" that I use as a barometer.

Although in the case of an honest to God abuser, it can seem all right with the rest of the world and completely sociopathic at home - and her analysis is on target.

 

[graceanne]

Ok, I think that the difference between a doormat and a sub is the attitude of the person in question. A doormat is beaten. She does what she does because she doesn't feel she has any other choice. Either that or she doesn't have the strength or will power to reach for what she wants. A sub chooses to be what she is. She chooses to serve, to be out of control. It's how she's fulfilled. So I guess you could say that a sub is fulfilled, and a doormat isn't.

 

[Betticus]

Re: Re: what's the difference?

Daddy wants me to be the best i can be ... he wants me to be a strong, capable, happy woman who can handle all life throws at her .... but who chooses to come home to him to be his little girl.

 

[LadyG]

Re: Re: what's the difference?

... he wants me to be a strong, capable, happy woman who can handle all life throws at her .... but who chooses to come home to him to be his little girl.

Oh yes

 

[A's Sweet Baby]

Thank you Betticus and Lady Guinivere

 

[TigerClaw]

another post just asking to be taken the wrong way, lol...but...

I know that there is a difference, in my mind I understand that difference but I'm finding it hard to define the difference. how would you explain this to someone with no knowledge of D/s lifestyles?There is such a broad range I have found here on Lit in terms of beliefs. I have talked to a good many people here for a better understanding of D/s. Dont feel bashful, there are a number of people here on the site with plenty of experience that are willing to help.

1. what is the difference between being a sub and simply being a doormat or "under the thumb"? For me I want to here my subs opinion. I value her views and will modify the D/s based on who she and I are. I want a person in my life not a door mat.


2. what is the difference between being a Dom/me and being just a bully or a control freak? Basically what I stated above. If you normally are not controlling and you find you need more control you have to ask yourself is this sub is really interested in making it work?

how would you tell a vanilla if they asked you?
xx