what's he thinking?

[rosebud5446]

so the other day i was at work, and discovered alot of girls my age (20) are either engaged or married, and this kind of shocked me... i mentioned it to my bf, and he was like
him 'did that get you thinking?'
me 'no'
him 'it didn't?!?'
me 'well, i guess i can see myself getting engaged at this age, but wait a couple years at least for marriage'

he's asked me questions before on my views on marriage, and the other day, some woman in the grocery store kind of screeched her husbands name, and he was like 'don't ever do that when we're old'

is he seriously thinking marriage with me, or just talking to talk... i dunno, i was just curious if his feelings are this strong for me, or i'm just crazy.

 

[phoenix1224]

He MAY just be thinking out loud OR, he MAY be seriously thinking that the two of you will have a future together.

But, the only way to know for certain is to ask him... Just mention to him that he's made some comments that have led you to believe that he MIGHT be thinking that the two of you will be getting married some day and that you were wondering whether or not that was the case.

 

[Guest]

 

[rosebud5446]

i don't want to freak him out... i think i should tell the past of our relationship as well... we've been FWB for a few years, off and on... dependin on if the other was in a relationship. he told me after high school that he regretted never having a romantic relationship with me, but i was moving to colorado in a few weeks, so we couldn't get together even though i kind of wanted to... we've been really good/sometimes best friends for about 4 years.... we kept having sex when i came back to visit from colorado, once i came down, and couldn't see him, but i would have cheated on my bf at the time, even though i thought there would be no way i would ever cheat on someone... we've been through an awful lot and helped eachother out through many rough patches... i moved back home, and we soon moved in together, but the original plan is that i'm moving back to colorado in about a yeah. mostly because i thought i couldn't be happy in oklahoma, but i live in a college town (stillwater- OSU) and i don't mind the town at all for now, like until after college... and i don't really care about going back, because i have a great guy...a couple weeks ago, he told me 'you remember that time i said i regretted having a relationship with you in highschool?' i was like 'yeah' he said 'i was right'... he also bought me some pot for me last night to help my cramps, took me out to dinner, complete with dessert, and apps., and... lol... bought me tampons with nikels and dimes...

 

[rosebud5446]

i guess i could ask him his views, but i don't know how to CASUALLY bring it up. i guess the reason i can see myself getting engaged and not married... it's like, i feel like i want to marry him now, but i'm young, and even though i can see myself spending the rest of my life with someone, my views may change because i realize how young i am, and even though I TOTALLY want to be with him forever, my views may change... and i want to try to avoid getting divorced as much as possible, and even though he'd still practically be my husband and i'd feel like he is, and mabye even call him that, but not go through the actual legality of it.

 

[LadyJeanne]

20 is awfully young to be making a life decision like marriage. I think you're right to give this more time.

Life looks very different after you've had a chance to finish school, begin a career, start earning money and get your own place, and figure out what you want out of life. You may choose to be with this guy in the end, but you've just started 'adulthood' so yes, your views might change. There is SO MUCH out there that you haven't experienced yet

I always find it interesting that the government doesn't think you are responsible enough at 20 to handle alcohol, yet people run willy nilly into marriage at such young ages.

Relax. Enjoy the relationship. Enjoy your BF - he sounds like a good guy. Have fun. The rest will take care of itself.

 

[Guest]

 

[rosebud5446]

Thank you my Lady

 

[rosebud5446]

I assume you consider yourselves a "couple" as opposed to just sharing living space. I certainly understand why you may not want to get married now or in the next couple years. But it seems to me that you would like some sort of confirmation that you have a future together with the potential for marriage. Commitment does not always need to be marriage; I sense you're looking for commitment.

i think you hit a nail on the head there..

If I was in your shoes, I would use his previous statements as a basis for further discussion. Why does he have the regrets? (BTW, your second post contradicts itself...first you say he regretted not having a romantic relationship in high school, then you say he did.) Questions that relate to things he says. And if he says new things that leave you wondering...then ask more questions.

i think i hay have explained that wrong... okay, after graduation, he said "one thing i regret from highschool, is never having a romantic relationship with you" ... recently he said, 'you remember when i said i regretted having a relationship with you?... i was right' like he's glad he's in a relationship with me and he should have done it long ago...

 

[Guest]

 

[Recidiva]

Even if a guy doesn't want to get married, he'd want to know that he was marryable, and that you'd be thrilled if he asked.

Not that he's going to ask. But he wants to know.

 

[rosebud5446]

i know i just need to have fun, i'm just starting to think about my future alot now, and even though i know i'm not ready financially, i really think mentally ready for kids, and marriage and the like, but at the same time i know i'm young and poor and i can't/shouldn't do that stuff now and it's extreemely frustrating. even though i know i should just have fun, it's so hard to keep this stuff off my mind. i really want a family... i'm just a stupid naive 20 year old, it's just that's what i've always wanted since i was little, is to be a soccer mom and great wife, i guess i'm old fashioned. i know i have plenty of time to do all this stuff and should enjoy being young i guess, but i don't really like being young... i think most people my age are immature and i don't really like being around alot of them...

 

[rosebud5446]

Even if a guy doesn't want to get married, he'd want to know that he was marryable, and that you'd be thrilled if he asked.

Not that he's going to ask. But he wants to know.

well, he doesn't specifically ask if i want to marry him, just my views and like if i do want to get married at all and whatnot...

 

[Recidiva]

well, he doesn't specifically ask if i want to marry him, just my views and like if i do want to get married at all and whatnot...

He won't ask you specifically. But he'd like a specific answer to the general question. It's an ego thing. He can't ask it without the fear you'd actually want him to ask specifically and that's an entirely different issue. But there's still that ego thing.

 

[LadyJeanne]

i know i just need to have fun, i'm just starting to think about my future alot now, and even though i know i'm not ready financially, i really think mentally ready for kids, and marriage and the like, but at the same time i know i'm young and poor and i can't/shouldn't do that stuff now and it's extreemely frustrating. even though i know i should just have fun, it's so hard to keep this stuff off my mind. i really want a family... i'm just a stupid naive 20 year old, it's just that's what i've always wanted since i was little, is to be a soccer mom and great wife, i guess i'm old fashioned. i know i have plenty of time to do all this stuff and should enjoy being young i guess, but i don't really like being young... i think most people my age are immature and i don't really like being around alot of them...

There's nothing wrong with wanting those things, and there's nothing wrong with thinking about your future. Impatience to 'get started' with living is the very definition of youth.

Thing is, at 20, you don't realize how young you will still feel at 30, or at 40 for that matter. 30 sounds really old to you, doesn't it? But you will feel differently then. And the fact is, you will truly be able to enjoy being a wife, a mother, and driving the kids around to soccer practice after you've had a chance to explore your world a bit more.

There really is plenty of time. If you two are meant to be together, you will find a way when it feels right. Don't let the good times slip past you right now by thinking only of the future. If you just enjoy being together for now, you'll be building that foundation for the future and you'll be stronger together because of it.

 

[SweetErika]

I agree with Scalywag and LadyJeanne...don't rush to get engaged, and give yourselves plenty of time to change and grow before looking at marriage. When my husband and I were around your age, we weren't ready to talk about marriage seriously, but we did want a commitment. So, he decided to buy me a sort of pre-engagement ring, and I bought one for him too...they weren't expensive, but they were meaningful to us, signifying we planned on getting more serious and considering a future together.

We didn't get engaged until we had lived together for a couple of years, and were halfway through advanced degrees. By that time, we were certainly headed for marriage, and extremely confident we could be successful at it. We got married about a year and a half after he proposed, which was still plenty of time to be positive and find problems. Perhaps something like that would work for you.

You sound like you have a good head and the right idea about waiting. I'd encourage you to talk to your bf about your desire for a commitment and to wait on engagement. He could even be thinking he has to propose, or you'll be unhappy, so communication is key.

 

[Guest]

 

[rosebud5446]

30 doesn't really seem old, but it seems like a long ways away... probably because 10-20 seemed like so long, but i've heard it flys by...

btw, you guys are awesome...

 

[Batman4ever71]

Rosebud ~ At twenty years old and having not finished college yet, you have a whole world ahead of you. IMHO, you need to at least let him know how much he means to youand that even thought your not ready to commit to marriage, at least it's something you've given alot of thought to.

As posted several times in this thread, explore the world that awaits you after college and career, then when the time is right and this seemingly wonderful man, still wants you and you want to be with him forever....take the plunge. As staed here many times, the key to ANY relationship, whether friends or lovers, communication is the key. It's been said; "If it aint broke, don't fix it!!". Live for today and the rest will fall into place when the time is right. God Bless and best wishes in all your future endeavors.

Wishing You the Best,
Batman