What would you do if your partner wanted to go vanilla?

[Marquis]

If they just wouldn't top you or sub to you anymore. Would it be time to move on, or is the person more important than the kink?

This is something I am constantly afraid of, as I often wonder if girls sub to me just to get closer to me, and then they will lose interest in it once I have become more committed to them. My ex stopped subbing to me at one point and I tried to deal with it because I loved her so much, although in retrospect I think she was trying to get me to break up with her.

 

[graceanne]

I'd stick it out. When we got married we promised till death do us part, and I don't make promises I don't intend to keep. And quite frankly, in our case, I know that we're compatible without the D/s cause we were happily married 6 years before we started doing this. I'd be disappointed, though. Maybe a little irritated.

 

[Daddyslilpet]

I'd stick it out. When we got married we promised till death do us part, and I don't make promises I don't intend to keep. And quite frankly, in our case, I know that we're compatible without the D/s cause we were happily married 6 years before we started doing this. I'd be disappointed, though. Maybe a little irritated.

I agree with graceanne here. Only difference for us is that we were happily married for 13 years before we started doing this.

 

[Desdemona]

Well, I'm not married to my partner. Frankly, I won't be in a relationship with someone who isn't at least as kinky as I am, if not kinkier. The relationship is about both the person and the kink, but the kink is a very important component. I won't go back to vanilla.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Neither of us are attracted to vanilla, and realised that before beginning to search the world for each other. We have a relationshp which incorporates the best of both D/s and vanilla type realities so if for some unforseen reason (as in major health issues etc.) one or the other had to revert to a more vanilla basis, I am sure we would work it out together. Knowing how each feels and the importance of D/s to who we are, I imagine at some point we would discuss the options of having D/s needs fulfilled in other ways simply because we want each other to be happy and have their needs met.

Catalina

 

[Netzach]

I was in a very good, fun, loving relationship with a vanilla man for 7 years and it almost killed both of us and resulted in my doing the only things I truly regret.

I'm not proud of that, but it definitely taught me that I need some form of BDSM in my relationships, and I never wanted to be in that position again as long as I lived. So I don't date outside the perv.

Now, mismatched libidos are always going to be dealt with, and M's level of D/s and mine are different, though I do believe they dovetail well as long as I can have a slave or heavy maso at any given time to take some of the heat off him. Basically, the rest of it can be worked around. I mean, we've been pretty much vanilla for the last few months as I've dealt with some health things -- it's hard to weild your leather while you can't get out of bed, but I still feel served, I still feel adored, I still feel cherished and I have NO doubt about loyalty, dedication, and willingness to work without reward from the person I care about most.

But I knew that I needed a man who was submissive and aware of a sexually submissive desire (not just needing a push or a book to read) I knew I needed a man who was bi, and I knew I needed a man who was poly to the point of almost no jealousy in order for me to want to commit to that guy and be a unit. While I love women, I also know that women and I tend to make very shitty units, also.

I can't describe what level or how low SM things could drop to before I'd leave-- there would have to be serious and global problems of a vast nature on the whole for that to happen with M, but if he woke up one day and said "put away your gear, I hate that shit" I'd have to go. It's what I'm about and it's who I am and that's never going to change, although I would wish it would if that were to happen. I can't think of something that makes me feel more vulnerable, actually.

I just know that I could not be with anyone where an appreciation for fetish and BDSM wasn't on their menu. I'd bore the living shit out of them in a minute.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I was in a very good, fun, loving relationship with a vanilla man for 7 years and it almost killed both of us and resulted in my doing the only things I truly regret.

I'm not proud of that, but it definitely taught me that I need some form of BDSM in my relationships, and I never wanted to be in that position again as long as I lived. So I don't date outside the perv.

Now, mismatched libidos are always going to be dealt with, and M's level of D/s and mine are different, though I do believe they dovetail well as long as I can have a slave or heavy maso at any given time to take some of the heat off him. Basically, the rest of it can be worked around. I mean, we've been pretty much vanilla for the last few months as I've dealt with some health things -- it's hard to weild your leather while you can't get out of bed, but I still feel served, I still feel adored, I still feel cherished and I have NO doubt about loyalty, dedication, and willingness to work without reward from the person I care about most.

But I knew that I needed a man who was submissive and aware of a sexually submissive desire (not just needing a push or a book to read) I knew I needed a man who was bi, and I knew I needed a man who was poly to the point of almost no jealousy in order for me to want to commit to that guy and be a unit. While I love women, I also know that women and I tend to make very shitty units, also.

I can't describe what level or how low SM things could drop to before I'd leave-- there would have to be serious and global problems of a vast nature on the whole for that to happen with M, but if he woke up one day and said "put away your gear, I hate that shit" I'd have to go. It's what I'm about and it's who I am and that's never going to change, although I would wish it would if that were to happen. I can't think of something that makes me feel more vulnerable, actually.

I just know that I could not be with anyone where an appreciation for fetish and BDSM wasn't on their menu. I'd bore the living shit out of them in a minute.

This very much reflects how we feel...no matter how much life may step in to slow that which we would choose to enjoy, there is and has to be that undercurrent and D/s reality which binds it all together.

Catalina

 

[Marquis]

It's tough being strictly D/s as a 22 year old male. I'm sick of training bitches, too much risk.

 

[incubus'_sub]

A relationship where one partner arbitrarily changes the rules is doomed to be unsatisfactory in the long term. I'm not talking about the ebb & flow of desire which always happens, but a fundamental change in direction from one partner.

I would leave. I am no longer prepared to sacrifice my desires and needs in the name of love for a person who has chosen to change a large part of what I love about them. That is, they are no longer the person I fell in love with. By all means I agree with anyone's right to change their own minds & the direction of their own lives for whatever reason, but my life choices must remain my own.

I see that situation described by Marquis to be somewhat different to Graceanne's marriage which has evolved into D/s over time. Mostly, when we begin a relationship with someone we are wildly attracted to, we try to be the person that we think they want. That may involve a pretense of kink or even a superficial enjoyment of the exciting sex. It's not a deliberate lie or an attempt to trap, just the wow factor of a new relationship. There is no easy way to tell what will happen as time goes on & the relationship settles, but it will either be there or not & if it's not then all the love for the other parts of that person are not going to satisfy you.

It's easy to confirm a commitment to a marriage which has evolved into a very satisfactory D/s relationship over time, but the fact that the marriage was happy prior to it is no guarantee that going back would be successful, in fact I would say the opposite. You don't miss what you never had, but you sure as hell miss the pleasure & satisfaction if it's suddenly taken away & you're told that you'll never have it again.

 

[shy slave]

Having seen many posts from people in vanilla marriages who want more than vanilla, it must be wonderful when and if that happens. Turning away from that person would be equally difficult if things changed becasue of the friendship that has continued to build with the relationship.

I agree with incubus sub and see graceanne and Marquis relationships as different from each other.
New relationships are fraught with danger including investing time and effort and then discovering they were trying to be what you wanted them to be or as incubus put it 'the wow factor.'

For various reasons the kink aspect can wane and to me it is the reasoning behind that waning that helps to figure out if its worth staying with and working through to a succesful end point.

The kink is very important to me, I could not go back to vanilla now but I do want to explore further. Whether He wishes to may be a deciding factor in how long we are together. This is a different issue to Marquis but from a similiar premise.
I have invested time and energy working out how to please Him and serve Him. If He is happy at that level yet i want to move and explore further do i remain where i am and stay with my investment or look elsewhere and start again?

That sounds clinical as i have not refered to feelings and of course they play a factor' but any relationship needs to satisfying to both people. In and out of the sexual context.

Marquis any relationship is a risk and has an emotional toll, working out what needs the other person has and satisfying them -sexual and non-sexual.

Not sure your age is relevant in the sense that I have met older Doms who are still looking and investing in subs that don't always work out, just as subs invest in Doms and then discover they don't work out.

Life can be a bitch but I don't doubt you will meet the right bitch for you, hang in there xx

 

[Marquis]

I just noticed I never really gave my opinion.

I can't see myself jiving romantically with someone who wasn't AT LEAST sexually submissive. I prefer a woman to be submissive to me in all aspects of our relationship, but she would still need to have some independent spunk.

 

[Marquis]

Having seen many posts from people in vanilla marriages who want more than vanilla, it must be wonderful when and if that happens. Turning away from that person would be equally difficult if things changed becasue of the friendship that has continued to build with the relationship.

I agree with incubus sub and see graceanne and Marquis relationships as different from each other.
New relationships are fraught with danger including investing time and effort and then discovering they were trying to be what you wanted them to be or as incubus put it 'the wow factor.'

For various reasons the kink aspect can wane and to me it is the reasoning behind that waning that helps to figure out if its worth staying with and working through to a succesful end point.

The kink is very important to me, I could not go back to vanilla now but I do want to explore further. Whether He wishes to may be a deciding factor in how long we are together. This is a different issue to Marquis but from a similiar premise.
I have invested time and energy working out how to please Him and serve Him. If He is happy at that level yet i want to move and explore further do i remain where i am and stay with my investment or look elsewhere and start again?

That sounds clinical as i have not refered to feelings and of course they play a factor' but any relationship needs to satisfying to both people. In and out of the sexual context.

Marquis any relationship is a risk and has an emotional toll, working out what needs the other person has and satisfying them -sexual and non-sexual.

Not sure your age is relevant in the sense that I have met older Doms who are still looking and investing in subs that don't always work out, just as subs invest in Doms and then discover they don't work out.

Life can be a bitch but I don't doubt you will meet the right bitch for you, hang in there xx

True, but submissive women my age go for much older guys, and there's only so long I can parry with older broads. They know more and are hard to control. I met a Dom at the Fetish club that looked to be in his late 30's. We traded grabs on our subs ass' and compared whips. My date was at least 6 years older than his.

 

[incubus'_sub]

Marquis, don't sweat it & don't, whatever you do, settle for almost. You're young, you're gorgeous & have the best Baby Dom instincts I've heard about for ages. Your "danger" factor is going to sweep many a young thing off her feet & lead her to do things she's never dreamed of, but you DO need one who has indeed dreamed of these things on her own. So, don't settle.

It's highly presumptuous of me but I think your opinion is going to change, or maybe define itself is a better word. Yes, you are going to always need a sexual submissive but I think as time & experience kick in you will find it hard to respect submission in everything. You will need the cut & thrust, the challenge of gaining the submission of an alpha woman who has the brains & the confidence to match you. Anything else will ultimately bore you. I mention respect specifically because I feel (guess ??) it's difficult for you to respect women & the more they submit, the less & less you respect them. Eventually you will find the one who will challenge your intellect, who will make you respect her for herself & whose submission will be doubly sweet for you. That's the keeper.

PS. Love your pics.

 

[John Doe]

I would be disappointed, but I think I could do without it. I'd prefer we discuss it though before anyone decides to drop something like that.

 

[bytor2112]

beat the living tar out of the bastard!!!

 

[Marquis]

I would be disappointed, but I think I could do without it. I'd prefer we discuss it though before anyone decides to drop something like that.

What do you consider vanilla?

 

[sincerely_helene]

I was in a very good, fun, loving relationship with a vanilla man for 7 years and it almost killed both of us and resulted in my doing the only things I truly regret.

I'm not proud of that, but it definitely taught me that I need some form of BDSM in my relationships, and I never wanted to be in that position again as long as I lived. So I don't date outside the perv.

Now, mismatched libidos are always going to be dealt with, and M's level of D/s and mine are different, though I do believe they dovetail well as long as I can have a slave or heavy maso at any given time to take some of the heat off him. Basically, the rest of it can be worked around. I mean, we've been pretty much vanilla for the last few months as I've dealt with some health things -- it's hard to weild your leather while you can't get out of bed, but I still feel served, I still feel adored, I still feel cherished and I have NO doubt about loyalty, dedication, and willingness to work without reward from the person I care about most.

But I knew that I needed a man who was submissive and aware of a sexually submissive desire (not just needing a push or a book to read) I knew I needed a man who was bi, and I knew I needed a man who was poly to the point of almost no jealousy in order for me to want to commit to that guy and be a unit. While I love women, I also know that women and I tend to make very shitty units, also.

I can't describe what level or how low SM things could drop to before I'd leave-- there would have to be serious and global problems of a vast nature on the whole for that to happen with M, but if he woke up one day and said "put away your gear, I hate that shit" I'd have to go. It's what I'm about and it's who I am and that's never going to change, although I would wish it would if that were to happen. I can't think of something that makes me feel more vulnerable, actually.

I just know that I could not be with anyone where an appreciation for fetish and BDSM wasn't on their menu. I'd bore the living shit out of them in a minute.

Ditto, for that. Be damned if I'll waste any more of my time with someone purely out of obligation. If they enter into a relationship knowing who you are and what you are about only to expect you to suddenly change all that, fuggem. Staying will only result in cheating or eternal boredom.

Marquis, best advise I can offer is if you don't feel she's in it for the long haul and you are, abandoned ship now before someone gets really hurt. Don't settle for less just because you're afraid your not going to find someone your age or younger to explore with otherwise.

Being single can be a very uplifting experiance, and getting laid on a regular basis isn't as important as you might think. The right person will come along and if not, stroke stories and naughty pics aint' so bad.

 

[graceanne]

A relationship where one partner arbitrarily changes the rules is doomed to be unsatisfactory in the long term. I'm not talking about the ebb & flow of desire which always happens, but a fundamental change in direction from one partner.

I would leave. I am no longer prepared to sacrifice my desires and needs in the name of love for a person who has chosen to change a large part of what I love about them. That is, they are no longer the person I fell in love with. By all means I agree with anyone's right to change their own minds & the direction of their own lives for whatever reason, but my life choices must remain my own.

I see that situation described by Marquis to be somewhat different to Graceanne's marriage which has evolved into D/s over time. Mostly, when we begin a relationship with someone we are wildly attracted to, we try to be the person that we think they want. That may involve a pretense of kink or even a superficial enjoyment of the exciting sex. It's not a deliberate lie or an attempt to trap, just the wow factor of a new relationship. There is no easy way to tell what will happen as time goes on & the relationship settles, but it will either be there or not & if it's not then all the love for the other parts of that person are not going to satisfy you.

It's easy to confirm a commitment to a marriage which has evolved into a very satisfactory D/s relationship over time, but the fact that the marriage was happy prior to it is no guarantee that going back would be successful, in fact I would say the opposite. You don't miss what you never had, but you sure as hell miss the pleasure & satisfaction if it's suddenly taken away & you're told that you'll never have it again.

I agree that Marquis situation is different than mine. If I went into a D/s relationship, then he changed his mind, I'd feel that I'd been lied to or misled.

On the other hand, I still would stick it out with K if we weren't D/s. Happyness is very much a matter of the mind. If you spend your entire time thinking about what's missing in your relationship, you're gonna be miserable. Wasn't it Abe Lincoln who said that if you look for the bad, you'll find it? That's true for everything, especially relationships. If you decide to be happy, chances are that you will be. Of course their are exceptions to the rule.

The only way I could see the relationship ending is if K were suddenly to expect me to be dominant. Cause that would just never happen, and I'd be miserable - trying to meet expectations that I could never meet. That'd be like him suddenly telling me that he wanted me to have brown eyes, or to be tall or something.

 

[C Stephen]

I am now a number of years into a wonderful marrige. We started out in a BDSM mode and as the years have passes we drift back and forth froom very kinky to vanilla and back again. For us the differences have had as much to do with how we relate to each other in toal as anything else. To me having a relationship where both of you have your needs met and are able to grow is the key to happyness. The sex part is both a celebration of what we are to each other and one of many forces that bond us. When she accepted my collar we exchaged chains that we both wear in the vanilla world. As we have had ups and downs that acceptance and looking at the big picture has made it so both of us have something that is better than we would have belived possible.

 

[Marquis]

Ditto, for that. Be damned if I'll waste any more of my time with someone purely out of obligation. If they enter into a relationship knowing who you are and what you are about only to expect you to suddenly change all that, fuggem. Staying will only result in cheating or eternal boredom.

Marquis, best advise I can offer is if you don't feel she's in it for the long haul and you are, abandoned ship now before someone gets really hurt. Don't settle for less just because you're afraid your not going to find someone your age or younger to explore with otherwise.

Being single can be a very uplifting experiance, and getting laid on a regular basis isn't as important as you might think. The right person will come along and if not, stroke stories and naughty pics aint' so bad.

Don't worry Sinslurly, this thread is 50% hypothetical, but I don't chase 'em I replace 'em.

 

[chagrin]

Sometimes, and it's usually becuase I'm lonely, I am tempted to strike up a relationship with some of the more interesting vanilla men who ask me out.

But then I remember the travesty that was the ending of my last long term vanilla relationship and I back off because I know I would not be able to sustain a long term vanilla relationship again.

I'll probably have another vanilla fuck buddy again at some point, but I will settle down with a Dominant, or not settle down with anyone at all.

 

[Marquis]

I'll probably have another vanilla fuck buddy again at some point, but I will settle down with a Dominant, or not settle down with anyone at all.

What's the difference to you between a vanilla man and a Dominant man?

 

[chagrin]

What's the difference to you between a vanilla man and a Dominant man?

It's the mental aspects of D/s that I need more than anything. I need the mental control more than the sexual and physical, both of which could probably be serviced by a kinky 'nilla.

The problem for me begins when the mental Dominance is not there, or I sense it is weak. Because then, I start testing, then I start topping from the bottom, and then it gets ugly.

But the mental aspects of Dominance - I think it takes a confident Dominant to recognise not only that he/she has those needs to control, but it also takes a confident Dominant to exercise that control without guilt or internal struggle about whether those needs are "right" or socially acceptable.

Hope this makes sense, it's getting late here *lol*

 

[sigsauerprinces]

i'd stick around, no question
yes D/s is important to me, but to be totally honest, since meeting him i've realized that having him is enough, and if he decided he didnt want to do kinky things anymore-i might miss them from time to time, but i'd be happy, because..let me see if i can explain this right. HE is my D/s. Making him happy is my submission, and if it makes him happy to stop with the kink, thats what i'd do. even without any beatings or play rape or any of that-we still have everything we've talked about, we have my knowledge of him, the parts of himself that he shared with me that he never shared with anyone else, and vice versa, and that is enough D/s for me right there. it doesnt need to be physical. the fact is i belong to him, whether or not we do kinky things. i belong to him and it goes much deeper than bdsm play-the play is all just extra, it's icing on the cake. He is and will always be my Owner, even if he were never to lay a hand or a crop on me or give me one order ever again.

 

[John Doe]

What do you consider vanilla?

Good question. Obviously people have different ideas about that, anywhere from being so hardcore as to think that light spanking is vanilla, to being so mild as to think that anything other than missionary position with the lights off is 'kinky', even just woman-on-top or doggy-style.

Anyway, how to define vanilla for me without going on for paragraph after paragraph...? I suppose vanilla for me is defined by what a large number of people are willing to do. I imagine that would include a number of positions for vaginal sex. Oral and anal sex are somewhat 'kinky', light bondage and domination more so, giving and recieving pain even more so and so on.

I'm sure there are some willing to engage in bindage and domiantion, but not anal sex, which muddles the issue even more, but I think you get the idea.