What Would You consider " Vanilla" To Be

[submissiveknight]

My guestion is wouldn't any act of intercourse be diagnosed as "Vanilla?"

I'm not referring to any play that leads up to it. Everone has their kinks whether they are into bdsm or not!

I just come across this term so much and I've never seen it defined in a actual way that distinguishes any difference for the actual act of screwing!

Of course I know that a good ass whipping, bondage, cbt, or anything else that plays into our lifestyle isn't considerd "vanilla.." What I'm referring to is the actual act of intercourse whether it be missionary, doggystyle, or any of the various other positions used.

When it comes down to it wouldn't all of these be considerd Vanilla?

 

[ShinigamiSama]

My guestion is wouldn't any act of intercourse be diagnosed as "Vanilla?"

I'm not referring to any play that leads up to it. Everone has their kinks whether they are into bdsm or not!

I just come across this term so much and I've never seen it defined in a actual way that distinguishes any difference for the actual act of screwing!

Of course I know that a good ass whipping, bondage, cbt, or anything else that plays into our lifestyle isn't considerd "vanilla.." What I'm referring to is the actual act of intercourse whether it be missionary, doggystyle, or any of the various other positions used.

When it comes down to it wouldn't all of these be considerd Vanilla?

intercourse is pretty vanillia
most of the posisions are
but weird ones like harnesses and upsidedown and such I wouldn't figure

I'm starting to think spanking is pretty vanilla as well, judging how much everyone seems to like it

but yeah
pretty much everything is vanilla to another person

 

[catalina_francisco]

Intercourse can be vanilla if those involved make it so but for us painplay does not end and then intercourse take over, they are usually combined and do not necessarily take place independently of each other. Then of course there is the mental aspect which is what the psychology behind the whole act is. There is more to D/s than the physical aspects.

Catalina

 

[submissiveknight]

intercourse is pretty vanillia
most of the posisions are
but weird ones like harnesses and upsidedown and such I wouldn't figure

I'm starting to think spanking is pretty vanilla as well, judging how much everyone seems to like it

but yeah
pretty much everything is vanilla to another person

Harnesses, upsidedown, and such has always been pretty much normal for me. That's why I always have a hard time with the concept of Vanilla.

 

[myinnerslut]

i think its also the state of mind. anytime something sexual is happening, i am very aware that i am his sub, his slut, his to use or not. whether or not spanking or ropes or gags make it into the equation, the state of mind anchors both of us firmly in D/s.

 

[raven_wish]

i dont like used to use such labels, but i think i did in a post not too long ago
it sux because vanilla means different things to different ppl, just like we all have different limits, and some even catergorize them, soft/hard. i consider all the positions vanilla unless we have some other specific scene type activity tied in.
i think most would...but i have found many ppl who feel having 3somes is not vanilla, while i consider a non scene 3some, a vanilla 3some. yes i know its group sex, and yes i know many dont do that and yes i do enjoy the vanilla 3somes, but without the top/bottom, Dom/sub/slave, ro intenses roleplay I consider it vanilla, great vanilla though

 

[submissiveknight]

Intercourse can be vanilla if those involved make it so but for us painplay does not end and then intercourse take over, they are usually combined and do not necessarily take place independently of each other. Then of course there is the mental aspect which is what the psychology behind the whole act is. There is more to D/s than the physical aspects.

Catalina

That's where I'm having the problem with the distinction between the two! I've always had pretty kinky sex. Although I havn't always been in D/s relationships.

I completly understand about the mental aspect of it. That has been the most major change for me since submitting entirely to my wife and asking Her to dominate me. Sex changed immediately, but aspects of pain had always pretty much been engaged in Our sex before that. The mind set is what was affected by it. I guess it was the way that She began to possess the control in everything related! Whenever We engaged in sex, it's as if all of a sudden I was only there to please Her. My pleasure kind of got set on the backburner. Not to say that I don't derive pleasure from it! That in reality increased ten fold, but it was the thoughts going thru the head that changed to where I had absolutly no control or say in it anymore.

By all means I know there is more to D/s than the physical aspects. Thats where the beauty of D/s applies! Giving yourself over to completly be in servitude (at least in my situation) to someone else in every aspect of life is a wonderful and satisfying feeling.

The way that I see (vanilla) referred to so many times gets confusing in what alot of people think it applies to. Would a good way to discribe it be "just going thru the motions" where your thoughts are not only to satisfy your partner (for some), but mostly to satisfy yourself in the long run. Putting any kinks to the side of course.

 

[submissiveknight]

i think its also the state of mind. anytime something sexual is happening, i am very aware that i am his sub, his slut, his to use or not. whether or not spanking or ropes or gags make it into the equation, the state of mind anchors both of us firmly in D/s.

Exactly, if you take all of that out of the equation and only use the state of mind. Now if you just had straight normal intercourse would it be considerd "vanilla?"

 

[submissiveknight]

i dont like used to use such labels, but i think i did in a post not too long ago
it sux because vanilla means different things to different ppl, just like we all have different limits, and some even catergorize them, soft/hard. i consider all the positions vanilla unless we have some other specific scene type activity tied in.
i think most would...but i have found many ppl who feel having 3somes is not vanilla, while i consider a non scene 3some, a vanilla 3some. yes i know its group sex, and yes i know many dont do that and yes i do enjoy the vanilla 3somes, but without the top/bottom, Dom/sub/slave, ro intenses roleplay I consider it vanilla, great vanilla though

I have a problem with labels myself, but this is one label I've always had a hard time understanding. I think cause it's such a general label. I get the since sometimes that just normal intercourse is considerd vanilla. And to partake in this is not in any means associated with bdsm. It's just to plain.

 

[JMohegan]

Given the prevalence with which "vanilla" is used as a pejorative word, I prefer to use a less insulting term like "non-kinky" whenever possible.

I consider Netzach's definition to be extremely helpful in distinguishing between kinky and non.

"kinked" for me is a political construct.

Would you get fired, strung up, shunned, or marginalized by a great number of people if everything about your sexuality were tattooed on your forehead?

Y - kinked

N - not

Originally posted: here.

 

[submissiveknight]

Given the prevalence with which "vanilla" is used as a pejorative word, I prefer to use a less insulting term like "non-kinky" whenever possible.

I consider Netzach's definition to be extremely helpful in distinguishing between kinky and non.

Originally posted: here.

That's part of my view the term of vanilla is pejorative (had to look that word up). Depending on inividual views of kink doesn't necessairly define the use of vanilla in context. For some inviduals cunningness is considerd a kink, but for others that could be considered mundane. Such is the difference between missionary and doggystyle for some also.

I realize it's a broad term and loosely referred to in our threads. Thats just basically why I was asking what people consider it to be?

 

[Evil_Geoff]

This is real easy.

Vanilla = non-kinky sex. It's what you would imagine your parents doing with the intention of making babies. It's not for "fun", though it can be fun. It's not about just feeling good or getting a nut or whatever, though it certainly can feel good. It's sex confined to a loving, intimate, (usually) monogamous relationship without toys, games, power exchange, etc tossed in the mix.

If you can't imagine your mom & dad doing "it" (whatever "it" may be), then it's probably kinky, not-vanilla, sex.

Unless you grew up in a really out-there relationship where your parents were WAY more open about their sex lives (and way more adventurous!) than most of us grew up with.

In which case, missionary style in-and-out-repeat-until-male-orgasm sex may seem pretty strange. Maybe even kinky...*weg*

 

[myinnerslut]

Exactly, if you take all of that out of the equation and only use the state of mind. Now if you just had straight normal intercourse would it be considerd "vanilla?"

in my experiences, even the most simple, no toys, no props, sexual experence between me and Sir is still looked at in my eyes through a lense of D/s since that is how our relationship is structured.

in order to consider something you are doing "vanilla", IMO, it has to detach from the D/s or sadomasochism or BDSM, etc etc.

Unless you grew up in a really out-there relationship where your parents were WAY more open about their sex lives (and way more adventurous!) than most of us grew up with.

[hijack] this is my family. my father knew that i was in a D/s relationship becuase he recognized some of the way i acted from some of the things he and my mother used to do. while living in my house, i saw cuffs, the claiming of sleeping beuaty, and a leather corset, and other things hidden (not very well) in my parents room. for the record, i wasnt looking for such things, they just were there. when i told my parents about my relationship, they were supportive if not encouraging. just another example of the apple doesnt fall far from the tree theory. [/hijack]

 

[JMohegan]

That's part of my view the term of vanilla is pejorative (had to look that word up). Depending on inividual views of kink doesn't necessairly define the use of vanilla in context. For some inviduals cunningness is considerd a kink, but for others that could be considered mundane. Such is the difference between missionary and doggystyle for some also.

I realize it's a broad term and loosely referred to in our threads. Thats just basically why I was asking what people consider it to be?

I understand why you are asking. It seems fully reasonable to me to ask people to define terms that they use on a regular basis.

Speaking now from my observations in the non-Lit world, I'd say that most people who use the word "vanilla" are employing it as one of the following.

1 - a bitter reference to sex they had in a failed relationship or marriage.

2 - an angry reference to the sexuality of those who harass and oppress the kinky.

3 - a smug reference to the sexuality of others, uttered as an attempt by an insecure lifestyler to feel better about him/herself by putting others down.

4 - a quick, simple way to refer to non-kinky sex.

Given 1, 2, and 3, I forgo 4 and stick with "non-kinky" itself as often as possible.

 

[ChromeCollar]

I would consider vanilla to be more of an attitude than an act.

 

[A Desert Rose]

When others use the term vanilla, I usually substitute the word traditional. Like PYL/pyl, I don't like vanilla. And for lack of a better word, traditional is what I prefer.

For me, traditional sex is anything that doesn't involved D/s. I can and do enjoy traditional sex. I'd just not want it on a constant basis.

I know that definition isn't what someone else will agree with, but it's mine.

 

[SpectreT]

Standard disclaimers apply, relevant portion in italics here. Labels are a necessary evil, and while I try not to be offensive, I utterly fail Political Correctness 101. I don't like labels because they just beg for misinterpretation and misrepresentation. No two people can agree on them anyway, but there's a gestalt understanding in effect that lets us use them to facilitate communications. Anyway, this is all a rant for another thread, where we all kicked it around a bit.

My brand of "Vanilla" is not a perjorative, for reasons I've discussed in other threads. There's a certain reverence and respect to the phrase, when I use it.

What it means, to me, is a frame of reference, more than a physical act. As others have mentioned, hair pulling, throwing her down on the bed, and even mild spanking, are all fairly mainstream sexual expressions, and can be either "vanilla" or kinky. It depends on the people doing them. If their minds are B/D, D/S, or S/M oriented, then such things would be kinky, a demonstration of their power dynamic. If their mindset doesn't have a frame of reference for such things, they're having hot caveman sex rather than being kinky.

 

[tanyachrs]

For me, traditional sex is anything that doesn't involved D/s.

I have a feeling BDSM has been around since the beginning. My definition is that vanilla is anything I do and kinky is what you do.

 

[Ebonyfire]

If I have said it once, I have said it a thousand times,

Since I am heterosexual, I have never met a man who was truly vanilla. And I might add I have never been vanilla, even when I was young.

You just have to get them to tell the truth.

And the truth shall set you free...

Eb

 

[Ebonyfire]

Unless you have a peep hole into other people's bedrooms and/or homes, one thing is for certain; what people SAY they do and what they ACTUALLY do is often very different.

People just censor themselves for acceptance.

Eb

 

[April_Jones]

If I have said it once, I have said it a thousand times,

Since I am heterosexual, I have never met a man who was truly vanilla. And I might add I have never been vanilla, even when I was young.

You just have to get them to tell the truth.

And the truth shall set you free...

Eb

introduce me to all these men

 

[Ebonyfire]

introduce me to all these men

I think you missed my point. They are just men. But many women to not foster an environment where a man may feel comfortable enough to let down his guard or put down the mask.

What I am saying is that you have to get to know them and who they really are.

 

[ShinigamiSama]

Harnesses, upsidedown, and such has always been pretty much normal for me. That's why I always have a hard time with the concept of Vanilla.

true
but I've not had the chance for it become normal yet

 

[shy slave]

If I have said it once, I have said it a thousand times,

Since I am heterosexual, I have never met a man who was truly vanilla. And I might add I have never been vanilla, even when I was young.

You just have to get them to tell the truth.

And the truth shall set you free...

Eb

Eb I wish I had been able to get men in my past to tell the truth.

I met too many who thought it was enough to roll on top, fuck and roll off. How sad that although some of those relationship lasted years I never really found who they were.

In fairness to them, at the time I had idea BDSM existed I just knew I was missing something and wondered if they were too. The few I asked said it was what they wanted out of sex. Although I found it a very difficult conversation, I used to be very shy about asking direct sexual questions. Sometimes I still am.

I then met men who liked to play with my body but in a very traditional way (as if they had read 'The Joy of Sex' handbook). Again I thought I was missing something.

About 15 years ago I met a man who asked me to beat him with the handle of my bath brush. He also wanted to wear my sons nappies. I was shocked, very shocked. I refused and thought it was the most disgusting thing I had ever heard of I should have been more open minded, but at the time I was anything but that.

I am not entirely sure what 'vanilla' means to me.
The closest explanation I can give is sex that does not fulfil me mentally.

I have had amazing sex and not orgasmed.
I have had amazing sex with several orgasms.
I have had boring sex and orgasmed.

It is about the mental headspace I am at the time.

I like EG example of it being the kind of sex you can imagine your parents having, but then again who knows what people do in private.
catalinas description possibly fits me best, but I use it as a term in the way JM described as number 4 on his list 4 - a quick, simple way to refer to non-kinky sex.
Of course whats kinky to some is not to others....definitions are often difficult to pin down.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Eb I wish I had been able to get men in my past to tell the truth.

I met too many who thought it was enough to roll on top, fuck and roll off. How sad that although some of those relationship lasted years I never really found who they were.

In fairness to them, at the time I had idea BDSM existed I just knew I was missing something and wondered if they were too. The few I asked said it was what they wanted out of sex. Although I found it a very difficult conversation, I used to be very shy about asking direct sexual questions. Sometimes I still am.

I then met men who liked to play with my body but in a very traditional way (as if they had read 'The Joy of Sex' handbook). Again I thought I was missing something.

About 15 years ago I met a man who asked me to beat him with the handle of my bath brush. He also wanted to wear my sons nappies. I was shocked, very shocked. I refused and thought it was the most disgusting thing I had ever heard of I should have been more open minded, but at the time I was anything but that.

I am not entirely sure what 'vanilla' means to me.
The closest explanation I can give is sex that does not fulfil me mentally.

I have had amazing sex and not orgasmed.
I have had amazing sex with several orgasms.
I have had boring sex and orgasmed.

It is about the mental headspace I am at the time.

I like EG example of it being the kind of sex you can imagine your parents having, but then again who knows what people do in private.
catalinas description possibly fits me best, but I use it as a term in the way JM described as number 4 on his list 4 - a quick, simple way to refer to non-kinky sex.
Of course whats kinky to some is not to others....definitions are often difficult to pin down.

I think what you have shared a lot of us (men and women can relate to.

But there are some things I have learned by trial and error. I will post them separately cause I do not want anyone to think my words are aimed at you, they are not.