What we've gained: For the over 30 crowd

[daughter]

alex's question about age and the subsequent replies got me to thinking about what it means to age. We joke a lot about not wanting to hit 30 or being older but acting younger.

But what about the value and gains we have because we are older? Pardon me, but short of physical stamina and beauty concerns, I don't romanticize my youth. I enjoyed a lot of it, but I don't want to go back, I don't purport that I am young with more years. I have no compunction to glamourize youth. I've done that. I'm more interested in who I am as a mature adult. I want to completely embrace this chapter of my life, and not pine about what I was or had in my 20s.

Plenty of 30s, 40s, 50-something folk have energy, health, an adventous spirits. Why do we have to say that's because we're still young in heart, spirit and all that other jazz?

I almost died in my 20s. I was immature and it cost me a lot emotionally and mentally. I was rebellious, stubborn, arrogant, insecure, short-sighted, confused and I abused myself. I suffer many of those things today, but to lesser degrees and today, I know my faults. I address them head on. Back then, I was ignorant of all my ills. I was a smartass killing herself a day at a time. And I was looking hard at 30 before I got off the suicide train.

I watch our youth today struggle to define who they are, what they want. I don't miss that. I don't have all the answers today, but I have no desire to blindly bang me head against the wall again. Took a long time to heal those bruises. I'm glad to be approaching my 40s. I'm glad I've wised up about which battles I'll wage, and I highly value the wisdom of knowing it's better to have peace rather than prove I'm right. I'm glad I no longer care that I don't have all the answers.

What lessons or values do you appreciate in your mature years?

Peace,

daughter

 

[RawHumor]

What lessons or values do you appreciate in your mature years?

I'd like to think that I'm more patient than I used to be... and I don't just mean sexually, but there's that too.

I've gained maturity, but I think that has to do with becoming a father more than with age.

As far as wisdom, I learn things, I forget things, at least I don't drink as much as I used to.

 

[kotori]

Closer to 50 than to 30 crowd

. . . I was rebellious, stubborn, arrogant, insecure, short-sighted, confused and I abused myself. I suffer many of those things today, but to lesser degrees and today, I know my faults. I address them head on. . .

I wasn't rebellious, stubborn or arrogant when I was younger--I'm working on that now. I was always too compliant, too accommodating--and it was the frustration of repressing so much that made me abuse myself (in my quiet way). I know my faults, too--getting up the nerve to address them is the biggest challenge. Because I'm still insecure and confused.

 

[daughter]

Different bottle, still poison

Kotori--

I hear you.

I'm sure there are rational, sane, healthy young adults out there. Don't want any of them to get a wedgie. I was simply reflecting on my own experiences like you.

Thanks for responding.

Peace,

daughter

 

[alexandraaah]

Aside from about 15 pounds?

I've realized that I know nothing. I was just talking about this with a friend yesterday. I see it like this:

Alex turns 21: "I know everything! This is so cool, I've finally arrived."

Alex turns 24: "I was so immature at 21; I thought I knew it all. Now I really know everything. I even know what's right for other people, too!

Alex turns 27: "What was I thinking at 24?? Could I have really thought those were the truths of life? I am now totally enlightened.

Alex turns 30: "Clearly I know nothing. Now I can allow life to happen and I will gladly meet it halfway, join it and go on. Knowing nothing is very freeing."

 

[Merelan]

Hmmmm... what I gained after thirty, besides a cute little belly that won't go away...

I have gained, patience. From my friends with children. Watching them live a hectic, crazy day filled with, to me, insane amounts of noise and confusion show me patience. Not once losing her temper no matter how many times that Why question comes up.

Patience gained by realizing that today is not all there is, though it might be. That I need to look ahead, slow down, pace myself. Not dash off on wild excursions without telling epople what I have in mind.

Patience learned when I realized that hurting someone's feelings, and saying I am sorry. Doesn't cure everything. If I only stop and think, I usually do not speak. And in not speaking have saved myself many a time.

Besides patience, and I could go on and on with examples, I have learned loving, and being loved. Yes, I met and married him when we were young, 21 and 25. I love him, he loved me, we married. But it wasn't till after thirty I fully understood what that meant. It wasn't wild sexual nights spent without sleep, it wasn't drinking and carousing together. It was the nights we were too tired, but held each other. It was the cleaning up of sickness when one of us had the flu. It is the sacrifice of the last bit of cream for the coffee. It is the gentle touch from across the room, the sweet sound of the key in the lock. The knowledge he would give his life for me, and I him.

Love is the pain my Mother still feels when I go a week or so without calling. The wonder she has as to where I came from when I prance through the door, her eternal gypsy. Her solid middle class upbringing confused with what she sees in me, but she loves me. It is the no's I give sometimes to kids, the "talk" about stealing I have to deliver at least once a month to little hands that took things home with them. It is the pain I see in their parents eyes when they make those kids come back and pay for it, and listen to my lecture. That is love.

After thirty I also learned that, I do not know all, see all, can not do it all. For me turning thirty wasn't it really. It was the second heart trouble at 32. That's when I realized, I am not 18. No, didn't do drugs, or drink wildly. Didn't run with gangs and get in trouble with police. But it made me face life and truth, and to reach for happiness any chance I get.


No where did I type that I learned to spell better, or check for typos.

 

[daughter]

Gurl, shut up!

I've realized that I know nothing. I was just talking about this with a friend yesterday. I see it like this:

Alex turns 21: "I know everything! This is so cool, I've finally arrived."

Alex turns 24: "I was so immature at 21; I thought I knew it all. Now I really know everything. I even know what's right for other people, too!

Alex turns 27: "What was I thinking at 24?? Could I have really thought those were the truths of life? I am now totally enlightened.

Alex turns 30: "Clearly I know nothing. Now I can allow life to happen and I will gladly meet it halfway, join it and go on. Knowing nothing is very freeing."

Oh, you had those same thoughts? LMBAO

Alex, if I forget I don't know it all, my 17 year old reminds me constantly. I'm old and mean, and I just don't understand.

Merelan--

My church going mother experienced the same confusion. And I with my teen. Sometimes, I wonder about my child. While I recognize me in her, there's so much more, so much I can't understand and even more she won't let me see. ((sigh))

Raising a child will teach you humility, powerlessness, and vunerability. We put on the show and we have some success, but inside we know we're not running anything and we're praying fierece that what we're attempting to do is working.

Thanks, ladies. Made the heart thump.

Peace,

daughter

 

[bluemuse]

I've become more "me"

I'll celebrate my 40th birthday in October of this year........and I say, "Bring it on!".

My 30s were better than my 20s in so many ways. Every year that passed...it seemed that I became more and more of who I really am.....make sense? Little by little, I dropped the masks and the costumes.....the person that I thought everyone wanted me to be......or the person that I was expected to be. I became more "me".

I still struggle with allowing myself the freedom of being honest about who I am and what I want. But I am so much more comfortable in my skin now than at 25......I like myself more as well.



bluemuse

 

[alexandraaah]

Re: I've become more "me"

My 30s were better than my 20s in so many ways. Every year that passed...it seemed that I became more and more of who I really am.....make sense? Little by little, I dropped the masks and the costumes.....the person that I thought everyone wanted me to be......or the person that I was expected to be. I became more "me".

bluemuse

You know what I think is so neat about this? It's that, for me, I really didn't know that I wasn't being myself until things sort of came to a head..

 

[CarolineOh]

What a wonderful thread, Thank you, daughter, for starting it.
I spent about twenty years battling my mother over matters both important and inconsequential. I thought she was wrong about everything, from the length of my skirts to the man I wanted to marry.
The great benefit of age is not in knowing that she was so often right, but in understanding why she felt as she did the times she was wrong. We will never see eye to eye, but it is so wonderful to know that that is not an obstacle to loving each other. And it is a bit humbling to realize that she knew that all along.

 

[bored1]

As I approach 50 I find Im a much more patient individual,Ive learned you cant control or change people, nor can they do the same to you.Ive learned all things, do indeed pass and that you cant fix people no matter how much you try.Ive learned to appreciate the little things a childs innocense, a smile from a stranger or pretty women.......Ive also learned that the older you get the faster time goes

 

[freescorfr]

As I approach 50 I find Im a much more patient individual,Ive learned you cant control or change people, nor can they do the same to you.Ive learned all things, do indeed pass and that you cant fix people no matter how much you try.Ive learned to appreciate the little things a childs innocense, a smile from a stranger or pretty women.......Ive also learned that the older you get the faster time goes

Quicker than me to learn that bored1 I've only learned that in the past couple of years, but they're the same things I'd say.

God was I a wild fucker who did'nt ever stop and my eldest son has just started. I suppose I've learned to love life. But I still seek excitement and occasionally live on the edge just to remind me what it was like.

 

[fivehole]

.........................."When i was 16 I thought my father was a complete idiot......................by the time I was 20, I was amazed how much he had learned" ......................(or something like that!!) ...................S. Clemens

 

[unclej]

i've discovered that i'm actually not right all the time and don't need to be...

i've discovered that if you do things another way than mine i might learn something from doing it your way once or twice...

i've learned that if it's not my fight there's no need to make it my fight...

i've learned that i don't have to prove that i'm a man all the time...

i've learned that teenagers and young adults have to experience and learn things on their own...

i've learned that women are to be treasured and savored not conquered and discarded...

i've learned that a big part of my place in life is to bring joy to others through my music and my art...

i've learned that time spent alone is a treasure...

i've learned that if you want my advice you'll probably ask for it....

 

[bored1]

Quicker than me to learn that bored1 I've only learned that in the past couple of years, but they're the same things I'd say.

God was I a wild fucker who did'nt ever stop and my eldest son has just started. I suppose I've learned to love life. But I still seek excitement and occasionally live on the edge just to remind me what it was like.

I used to do crazy things that if I caught my kids doing I would go ballistic! I too still seek excitement but have become aware of my mortality.I always find it freaky to see in the paper some guy my age just died of a heart attack! And I realize that could be me.Took the kids to the local amusement park last summer..I was at the top of some hugh roller coaster and as I looked down it dawned on me that these things sometimes fail and I was really nervous.....Never used to feel that way

 

[jass1960]

On my 29th birthday I was so depressed because on my next one I was going to be 30... how dumb was I?

Now I am over 40 and I still feel 30

IMHO age is a state of mind...lots of my friends are younger; but lots are older and we all have something in common - a will to live life to the fullest.

And by that I don't mean just sex, drugs and rock and roll

But sex, drugs, rock and roll, family, kids, literature, etc.etc.etc




edited because I am on my second bottle of wine and my spelling has gone to shit

 

[VanB]

On my 29th birthday I was so depressed because on my next tiem I wa going to be 30... how dumb was I?

Now I am over 40 and I still feel 30

IMHO age is a state of mind...lots of my freinds are younger; but lots are older and we all have something in common - a will to live life to the fullest.

And by that I don't mean just sex, drugs and rock and roll

But sex, drugs, rock and roll, family, kids, literature, etc.etc.etc

AMEN!

 

[jamjunior]

A different perspective....

I am not comfortable in my skin yet. I am 32, and I already fear my own mortality, I got here too quickly and time doesn't seem to be slowing down. Instead of developing an ability to stop and smell the roses, I feel like the trees are whipping by, the next one is here before I realize that the last one is gone.

I like to say I don't have any regrets, but I actually seem to be developing some. I have done some things that I can't take back.

I miss my singleness. I wanted so badly to be married, and now all I can think about is being single again. I can fantasize about just about any woman except for my wife.

I used to say that there weren't any mistakes that I could make that I couldn't fix by the time I was 30. 30 came and went, and I am still paying for some of them. I wasn't focused about my career, hence I have had a few more jobs than I would have liked, none leading to anything remotely fulfilling.

Maybe I will like 40 better. Maybe 35. But so far 30, 31, and 32 haven't been all that great. I would go back to 16 in a heartbeat. Even without the knowledge I have gained.

All I ask is one person to tell me (and have me listen) to take more risks, be more agressive, and to care a whole lot more.

Wow, this is the most morose I have allowed people to see in a long time. Sorry..... This is the side I try to hide.

JAM

 

[Phoenyx]

Artist/Band Tim McGraw
Song title My Next Thirty Years


I think I'll take a moment to celebrate my age
The ending of an era, the turning of a page
Now it's time to focus in on where I go from here
Lord, have mercy on my next thirty years

In my next thirty years
I'm gonna have some fun
Trying to forget about all the crazy things I've done
Maybe now I've conquered all my adolescent fears
And I'll do it better in my next thirty years

In my next thirty years
I'm gonna settle all the scores
Cry a little less, laugh a little more
Find a world of happiness without the hate and fear
Figure out just what I'm doing here, in my next thirty years

Ooh my next thirty years
I'm gonna watch my weight
Eat a few more salads and not stay up so late
Drink a little lemonade and not so many beers
Maybe I'll remember my next thirty years

My next thirty years
Will be the best years of my life
Raise a little family and hang out with my wife
Spend precious moments with the ones that I hold dear
Make up for lost time here
In my next thirty years

In my next thirty years

 

[ksmybuttons]

Daughter, I have missed you. When I first came here, you were around more and I always like your threads because you help me to put into words who I am. That said...

I have loved getting older. Every minute of it, every experience. I have always been open about my age and celebrated each year.

I feel so much more comfortable in my skin now that it is looser. The sharp edge I had is smoother and less biting, to me and to others.

I don't worry about what people think of me in the same way as when I was younger and I can be more than I ever was before. I am more open to others and they are more open to me. I am more flamboyant - in my dress and my life.

When I was young I always had a cause. Now I don't need them to help define me, I am defined. I have strong boundaries so I don't have to say "yes" unless I want and I am not afraid to say "no". I don't even have to give a reason why. Because of this I have many more "maybes" that have turned into new experiences.

I have much more credibility. I don't have to prove myself, and in fact, I don't want to do that anymore.

I am more adventuresome, I live more in the moment and I keep myself safe. Not something I did well with in years gone by.

I have learned the tricks. I don't worry about things the same way because I have done them and survived. I am much more compassionate because of it.

I more willing to accept people's limitations because I recognize my own more each day.

I really do like this aging thing.

 

[Guest]

Wow, now this is a great thread.....I'm glad I stopped by.

I'm in my mid 40's, and I've enjoyed every moment of it. I've made some mistakes, and am still paying for them....but I do live in today. I like who I am, and I don't care what anyone thinks of me. So many things that have already been posted is exactly the way I feel.

Shoot, I got goose bumps reading some of them. It's good to celebrate our maturity. I wouldn't want to go back to my teen years, even if I could take the wisdom I've learned.

Moon

 

[sch00lteacher]

Look at you, posting at Literotica. You guys who miss daughter should really check out her website.

Lotus Blooms - Daughter's Web Page

There isn't much left to add. I do have a certain distrust of young people. To be honest those with all the metal and ink on them make me wary. But then I soon find them to be the nicest kids around. I just haven't gotten used to them. It is the ones without that have a lack of respect.

We have seen a lot. I sometimes have trouble thinking of the 60s as the past. It seems we were more modern then that we are now, in so many ways. I miss the freedom of thought and expression. I miss the music. I really do see the 60s as a future decade. Strange. It hit me the other day as I was watching Rowan and Martin's Laugh In on Trio.

Be sure to visit daughter on Lotus Blooms.

http://www.cloquet.k12.mn.us/was/Music/images/peace%20sign.gif

 

[The_Masseur]

Values...

When I was 20, the world was black and white. I joined the Army to fight the Reds, and God and Righteousness was with me.

I practised Honor and Morality. If you couldn't look me in the eye, you were nothing.

I hated people that I didn't understand.

I try to understand now.

I still practise Honor and Morality. Now, if you can't look me in the eye, I try to help you to do so.

I still support the concept of the United States of America. I vowed to protect the Constitution against all enemies, foreign or domestic. I still hold that vow close to my heart. I'm just a bit more discerning about who, and why, my enemies are. I also ask questions about my friends.

What lesson do I appreciate most?

Shades of grey.

 

[Lost Cause]

My Father always told me that you know you're old, when your dreams turn to regrets! I live as close to that line in my life as I can. I see people that I haven't been around a long time, and they always say I haven't changed. I just don't let my age determine how much I rachet up my desires, if a nineteen year old wants to have a good time, I'm up for it. I just live the way I'm comfortable, people say to "act your age", and shake their heads, and say I'm a lost cause.
Experience has given me one thing, I don't gloss the way I think. If it's bullshit, I call it bullshit. If I fight, it's not highschool. I'll hurt you good.
I enjoy the "been there done that" awareness when I see things being done/said that was done in my youth. (the more things change, the more they stay the same)
**How old would you be..if you didn't know how old you were?**

 

[AusTess]

Well fuck.

I never thought the whole ageing thing would impress me much.
But i gotta tell ya,i fucking love it.

At 32,I'm stronger,emotionally and physically,to deal with most of the shit life hurls at me.

I'm more comfortable in my skin,am pretty fucking happy with my body.
I'm in a fantastic,for the most part anyways,marriage.
I've learnt how to be open and honest,how to handle myself in most situations.

When i was 16,the last thing i wanted to be was older.

Now i'm older?
Be fucked if i'd ever go back.
I was SO fucking insecure as a teenager.
I was needy,i guess.
And eager to please.
And OH so easy to take advantage of.


Ageing is not scarey to me anymore.

I just seem to get better with age.

Wrinkles?

If i squint really bad,i cant see em.