What to do?

[m.j.h]

Have known this guy for the last 10+ years or so and have always got on well with him, a real good mate who also works for me now as well.
He got remarried a few years ago and all seemed to be well for a while, then we found out that she was an alcoholic so they got through that and all seemed well again.

But in the last month or two i noticed she has started drinking again although not as much as before, which has been a sore point for my mate. He has developed a real temper towards her about her drinking etc and has had a few arguments about it.

No worries thinks I, as all couples have a problem at some stage in the relationship, so I have thought nothing of it till now.

Reason for the post is that another friend of mine was at thier place today and noticed that she was sporting a black eye and he was being super nice towards her. While he didn't ask them what happened it would seem pretty obvious as to what has happened.



Now my question is how the hell should this be handled, should I ask them about it, Offer her support if she needs it (kinda goes without asking though) or just let it slide and see if it happens again then step in the middle?
What would/could you do in this situation?

 

[SweetErika]

From Hubby and I: Maybe you and the guy who saw the black eye/behavior should talk to each half of the couple together. Offer the wife support and resources (maybe for both the abuse and alcohol), and see what the husband has to say. I recommend doing this together because it was your friend who saw it, and the abuser might take more notice if it's not all hearsay and there are two of you saying it's not acceptable.

Be prepared for denial and a not-so-thrilled reaction from both of them, but if the abuser's a true friend, he'll get over it, and you guys can be proud of the fact that you did the right thing.

 

[Norajane]

You might also recommend Al-Anon for your friend - it's a group for family and friends of problem drinkers. It might give him an outlet for his feelings, other than rage and abuse.

 

[m.j.h]

Well i just got home from taking them out for dinner (fish and chips at the beach) and yes he did whack her one and it is actually the second time he has done this.

She has told him the next time he tries she is out of there so I might end up with an extra housemate for a while. I hope not but if that is the case then so be it.

God i hate getting in the middle of this sort of shit but it has to be done sometimes.

 

[SweetErika]

Well i just got home from taking them out for dinner (fish and chips at the beach) and yes he did whack her one and it is actually the second time he has done this.

She has told him the next time he tries she is out of there so I might end up with an extra housemate for a while. I hope not but if that is the case then so be it.

God i hate getting in the middle of this sort of shit but it has to be done sometimes.

You're right, it sucks, but was absolutely the right thing to do, and it sounds like you got excellent results. They're both lucky to have a friend who gets involved when necessary and is so supportive. Your title's very fitting. Hopefully they'll get on the right track with both the alcohol and physical abuse now.

 

[MajorMalcontent]

Its bad when an alcoholic picks the bottle back up, but I can think of nothing more certain to make a bad situation worse than to hurt them.

There is never an excuse for a man to hit a woman.......sounds like you are doing the right thing to help them. They both probably need a professional however.

You sound like a good friend

 

[m.j.h]

Well I thought i might bump this instaed of starting a new thread.

While everything was fine for a while the Controlling got to much for her so she took a heap of pills etc. Is fine now but I have laid it out on the table with them and told her that if she needs a place to stay the she can stay at mine for a while.

Turns out they are both at fault but he is worse than I thought being a controll freak and all. Guess you never really know someone till you get into stuff like this hey.

Anyway that is the situ at the moment. personally i think she would be better off out of there but that is just my opinion.

 

[silverwhisper]

mjh: as usual, i see that erika's advice was stellar.

has anyone suggested that your friend (the husband) receive some kind of counseling for his anger issues or his need to be in control of situations and people? he would be a lot happier as a person, i think, if he does and makes some progress.

ed

 

[m.j.h]

mjh: as usual, i see that erika's advice was stellar.

has anyone suggested that your friend (the husband) receive some kind of counseling for his anger issues or his need to be in control of situations and people? he would be a lot happier as a person, i think, if he does and makes some progress.

ed

Yeah but he is a bloke and he doesn't want to.
You know what it can be like.
i think I just might get another housemate in the end but hey so be it.
better than her staying there and a lot more freedom as well.

 

[silverwhisper]

um...i'm a guy and i had counseling for anger management. frankly, i think it's more unmanly not to seek treatment.

ed

 

[Guest]

 

[M's girl]

Yeah... my hat's off to you too...

It's hard to confront people like that. You risked a lot. It takes courage.

 

[Carnevil9]

I've been in a similar situation. Actually I've been in YOUR situation, and in your friend's situation as well (minus the violence). It is very tough to be in love with an alcoholic.

Anyway, in my experience, the best thing you can do is let them know you are there for them. After that, you exercise your God-given right to BUTT OUT. You can't fix them. You can't help them. All you can do is be there when (and IF, a very large IF) they want help. Just wait. And pray......Carney

 

[Cathleen]

Well I thought i might bump this instaed of starting a new thread.

While everything was fine for a while the Controlling got to much for her so she took a heap of pills etc. Is fine now but I have laid it out on the table with them and told her that if she needs a place to stay the she can stay at mine for a while.

Turns out they are both at fault but he is worse than I thought being a controll freak and all. Guess you never really know someone till you get into stuff like this hey.

Anyway that is the situ at the moment. personally i think she would be better off out of there but that is just my opinion.

Did she go to the hospital after taking the pills? If so, what did the staff say -- assuming someone had to have talked with her?

Sounds as if this situation is escalating, which is no surprise, and there is a need for professionals - a few of them. How receptive are they to working on their issues, both individually and as a couple?

You said he worked for you. How or what, as an employer, steps or systems are in place to assist him? Anger issues are not small problems in the workplace.

I'm glad they have good friends such as you, but these are progressive diseases and issues and trying to take this on yourself isn't advisable. These are illnesses and friends (even if they're educated in the fields) would be blurring the lines and putting their friendships in jeopardy.

I hope the best for all involved.

 

[m.j.h]

Anyway, in my experience, the best thing you can do is let them know you are there for them. After that, you exercise your God-given right to BUTT OUT. You can't fix them. You can't help them. All you can do is be there when (and IF, a very large IF) they want help. Just wait. And pray......Carney

Yeah I can Butt Out but I will NOT stand by if there is something I can do to help them or just help Her get out if she wants to.

 

[m.j.h]

Did she go to the hospital after taking the pills? If so, what did the staff say -- assuming someone had to have talked with her?:

yep she did and she is now under the care of a mental health team

Sounds as if this situation is escalating, which is no surprise, and there is a need for professionals - a few of them. How receptive are they to working on their issues, both individually and as a couple? :

yes it has , she knows she need help but he thinks he's perfect

You said he worked for you. How or what, as an employer, steps or systems are in place to assist him? Anger issues are not small problems in the workplace. :

he works for me one day a week and if need be i'd sack him , he's not a good worker ,thinks the world owes him everything

I'm glad they have good friends such as you, but these are progressive diseases and issues and trying to take this on yourself isn't advisable. These are illnesses and friends (even if they're educated in the fields) would be blurring the lines and putting their friendships in jeopardy. :

yep its not an easy path ,I can see faults on both sides ,i think i have made up my mind who I'd keep ,I think i can see why his first wife ran of screaming over the horizion

I hope the best for all involved.

thanks

 

[Cockyfox]

While you feel you need to help, there are a few things to keep in mind.

If the woman moves in with you, then will the husband be secure knowing his wife is living with another man? Sometimes, the controlling person can't live with that and will sabotage this type of situation. Are you prepared for the husband to accuse you of being attracted to or sleeping with his wife under the guise of helping a friend (it could happen)? What if he's violent to you?

If the guy works with you, then how will this effect you professionally? You can't let their problems consume every aspect of your life, especially your bread and butter.

Once the woman moves in with you, she will be your problem to some extent. Alcoholism can make a person do stupid crap.....like steal, lie, etc... Are you prepared to deal with that?

If you want to help them and not compound the problems, I think you're better off finding a shelter, counselig service, or (best) a treatment center for the wife.

 

[Cockyfox]

Oops, I just saw your post right before my last one.

It answers some of my questions.

 

[m.j.h]

Oops, I just saw your post right before my last one.

It answers some of my questions.

Just to answer some more of the points you raised and possibly for anyone else as well.

She has got the drinking pretty much under control now.

And I don't care what he thinks if she moved in here. It is a safe haven as far as I'm concerned, Not a way to steal his wife or anything else like that, Period end of story. She would have somewhere to hang while they get sorted or she moves on.
But yeah there are other places to go but they are streched as it is and basically turf you into cheap accomadation once you are close to getting sorted. Seen it as I have picked passengers from these places many a time.

 

[Cathleen]

You are a good friend.