What to do...

[Guest]

Now masturbating, by whatever means (whether it be online pron, magazines, videos or whatever) shouldn't be an afrront to your relationship. Now if he prefers it OVER you, then it's a different matter. That's something that needs to be discussed. If he's being neglectful of your needs, then things need to be aired.

But if you're mad at him for getting off and jealous of it for the sake of being jealous, then I'd examine at YOUR jealousy isue. He just might have a higher sex drive than you and if that's the case, then it's probably better that he gets off this way as opposed to finding the "real thing" outside the marriage.

But again, find out why you're angry first. Channel that into some constructive communication and work from there. be honest with yourself and hope he does the same.

He certainly doesn't have a higher sex drive than me. I do, or did since he's killing mine. He says "he's too old", yada yada, even though he's 28. And, he DOES prefer the porn over me. There have been many times when he's known I was horny and has left the bedroom to jack off to porn. And, if I ask him if we can make love, he gets mad at me. He will push my hand or face away from his hard cock even. Yet, he tells me he loves me and doesn't want me to leave him. And if I mention I feel hurt that he's neglecting me, he gets pissed.

 

[Guest]

What type of porn is he beating it to? Anyl, oral, mult-partner, inter-racial? Something that you do not like?

Bestiality and facials, mostly. And, again, I have a high sex drive and am very open. I am "kinkier" than him and into more things than him.

Sometimes he jacks off to women in their clothes, too. And, not "amateurs" in the sense of women in IMs who mail their pics... I'm talking about CLOTHED women in "porn" sites.

I know I can always lose weight to try to make him happy, but I can't stop being ugly.

 

[Guest]

Turn the tables on him ... start doing the same thing yourself and see what he does!

The sad thing is, I "can't". I've "tried", but can't get into anything and give up masturbating long before I cum. I've tried watching porn movies in bed, looking at porn online, and that ever so dreadful "cyber". (I've even been looking through the SRP to see if there's anything I'd like to join, etc., but nothing "helps".)

The constant rejection has been killing my sex drive for quite some time now. I "can't" masturbate even when I try.

 

[MasterMeridian]

I've experienced the reverse of that. My old girlfriend used to masterbate to stories and vids instead of be intimate with me sometimes. It made me feel real inadequate. I confronted her about it, and apparently she was used to "going solo" whenever she was horny that she wasn't sure how to break the habit. I'm the kind of guy who likes to give and receive attention, and this just wasn't doing it for me. Is there a way to "break the habit" and learn to be more intimate with another than with yourself?

 

[Guest]

Is it possible for you to go in when he's looking online and to go down on him or climb on his lap while he's looking online?

He pushes my hand and/or head away from his cock. But, then, he gets mad at me when I'm sad due to his actions, neglect, and outright rejection.

 

[It'sasecret]

Blessedbe we must be the same person. I too am much kinkier then my husband. I am willing to try almost anything. He on the other hand only wants missionary sex, with no screaming and moaning etc... I even offer to watch porn with him but he says no. The porn he looks at is very standard, just naked girls. Not even sex acts or something that maybe he feels he can't get with me. The other night I got some insight to maybe why he does this...

We were fighting (once again) and he said it is just easier. That I put so much pressure on him with sex. Now, I agree with him to a degree. There is a lot of pressure with sex right now. But that is b/c of him and his actions. It's a never ending cycle. I have always tried to spice things up,offer suggestions to make things better etc... To him that was pressure. Then when he turned to porn and ignored me that is I guess when I would say yes maybe there was some pressure. But, it was pressure to bring him back to me, to love me. He said he feels like nothing he does is good enough for me. Which is pure bullshit. He doesn't do anything! And I am so not the type of girl who makes a man fall over them. I wish I had an answer for you, hon. Hey want to run off together????? Hehehehe

 

[Guest]

This may be kind of a chick thing, guys please correct me if I am wrong, but if a woman wants to make love with her SO and he'd rather jerk off to a picture of some airbrushed chick, it can hurt, and it can hurt a lot. Especially if he's doing this to the point where he's withholding the physical attention his SO used to get and expending that energy on the computer.

Bingo. Hell, there was one night not long ago where he knew I was horny and "missing" him. He came to check on me to see "what I was doing" in the bedroom. I was trying to be honest with him and talking to him. He left. He went online and began jacking off to dog porn. Several hours later he came to the bedroom. I tried talking to him more. We faught. He said, and I quote:

"I was looking at that site so I could come to bed with you."

I guess he NEEDS to jack off to "fake" (in a manner of speaking) women he could never have, let alone meet, to "be able to" fuck me.

Of course, that night, nothing happened other than a fight, him yelling at me, me crying, and me falling asleep on the couch.

 

[It'sasecret]

[
I know I can always lose weight to try to make him happy, but I can't stop being ugly. [/B][/QUOTE]


Don't you dare think you have to loose weight to make him happy. If he can't except you this way, then loose him. I know that is easier said then done. And you are by no means ugly.

 

[Mysticcal]

Bestiality and facials, mostly. And, again, I have a high sex drive and am very open. I am "kinkier" than him and into more things than him.

Sometimes he jacks off to women in their clothes, too. And, not "amateurs" in the sense of women in IMs who mail their pics... I'm talking about CLOTHED women in "porn" sites.

I know I can always lose weight to try to make him happy, but I can't stop being ugly.

Hi Blessed.

I wasn't sure I would have any good advice for you, but I have been in your position, and made it through, so maybe my sharing would help a bit.

First though, and maybe I am making an assumption, but from your posts (and if that is you in your av).....omg, you are far from ugly....and from your openness, you are truly beautiful through and through.

My ex was into internet porn bigtime. I sat frustrated many nights while he went to the computer rather than touch me. He wasn't as open as I was, hadn't tried as many things as I had, and I think he felt more comfortable alone with his pics and videos than me. I took that personally for a long time. trying to look better for him, trying to be what he wanted.....and then realized it wasn't me that needed to change.

You can't stop being who you are for anyone, no matter how much you may love them, or he professes to love you. I would never just advocate walking away over this, but you have to take care of yourself as well, know that you are a beautiful person that deserves to be loved in everyway.

I did try the joining him when he was surfing, but it never worked well....or I ended up feeling used. In the end it all came down to his insecurities, and there was nothing I could do to fix it for him, so instead I fixed myself.

I would recommend trying to talk about it, in a neutral setting, tell him what hurts you, or what you need, but without laying the blame on him. No "you did this or don't do this" rather try I need, I feel this way.....and if he turns it back on you. think about it real hard......and ask yourself if this is what you deserve.

Just my 2 cents, and lots of sympathy for you hun, good luck.

 

[Guest]

Every time I try to talk to him about our relationship or my feelings, he sighs deeply, letting me know he's pissed, and then we fight.

And, on another note, last night he wanted me to go to the bar with him and his friend (who is married and his wife was coming with). He knows I am not a bar person and that I am quite shy when I don't know people. Anyway, it was about an hour from when we were supposed to meet them and he asked me if I was "gonna make myself pretty tonight". (I almost never wear makeup as it's a pain to deal with, etc. That comment hurt some.)

 

[It'sasecret]

Blessedbe, I am sure you don't want to hear this I really think you should loose this guy. It seems as if he has no regard for your feeling at all. What did you say when he asked you that? Did you end up putting makeup on? (I hope not) Don't ever change for someone else. Do what is good and right for YOU.

 

[Guest]

What did you say when he asked you that? Did you end up putting makeup on?

Yes, I did. And ended out staying out with people I didn't know (while my man walked around the bars talking to other friends...leaving me with the couple we went with) until after 2am when (saddly) I'm used to an 11pm bedtime.


P.S.
My av was taken a few weeks back when we were going out to a bar. I wore makeup that time, too.

 

[Hairgrip]

i have no answers, or any real suggestions, just a few queries...
* how long have you been together? has stuff changed dramatically in that time?
* did you always think so badly of yourself?
* are you with him coz you want to be, because u ought to be, or coz you can't leave?
i know this thread is not about telling you to leave him, but it stirkes me that the route of the way you feel might lie in the relationship more generally. sex is important but so is love, respect, conversation, equality...
thinking of you

 

[Guest]

 

[bluespoke]

This is a very sad thread. I can only reinforce what Emerald-eyed said above. You must consider making a change.

When I too came to this board you were a feisty confident young woman not a lost soul.

And please! Ugly is not a word I would ever consider using in the same sentence as your name.

Sometimes nothing can push things in the direction we want it to go. Time to stop battering your head against a brick wall.


Good Luck

 

[Guest]

i have no answers, or any real suggestions, just a few queries...
* how long have you been together? has stuff changed dramatically in that time?
* did you always think so badly of yourself?
* are you with him coz you want to be, because u ought to be, or coz you can't leave?

We have been together a little over two years now. We originally met online, and after half a year met in person. We have only been living together since Aug. of this year, but he always came for weekend visits before hand. (About one weekend a month before we actually moved in together.)

His sex drive has always seemed to be rather low, or, at least, lower than mine. He was single for quite a while before we got together, so I can understand "doing what you know and are familiar with". (I used to have ONE, and only one, method for masturbation, and I never cared to change my method. BUT, I have never "turned down" a man I LOVED to go masturbate alone.)

For the most part, I have always thought badly of myself. I have suffered chronic depression since about adolescence, and it's always been hard for me to boost my self-esteem. Usually, though, I can "hide" my inner self and seem genuinely happy around those who don't know me.

And, despite this hurts, I do love him. A while back I was talking to a friend online about some of the problems we have been having. He told me, "You'll know when it's time for you to go home...once you stop fighting". He went on to say, that once we don't even fight anymore, the passion is gone. And, that makes sense. So, that is why I stay. I love him deeply. A couple times I came close to leaving him...yet I cried like a school girl losing her first love. Also, I'll add that during those times I almost left him, he begged me to stay. He said, "Please don't give up on us".

*sigh* So, I don't know what to do anymore. I've "tried" masturbating several different ways, as I've stated, but they didn't "work" so to speak. (And, I cannot masturbate the way I'm used to since I threw away (in the apt dumpster even) my toys during a fight once.) I've thought about cheating on him, but threw out that idea fast. I've even tried being a sexless person, but that is not me. I am not happy being sexless. Yet, at the same time, my sex drive is dying now.

 

[Guest]

I don't know how long you have been with him, but when I first ran into you months ago, you were quite confident, person who KNEW you were sexy. Sadly, now I see you as someone whos self esteem is plumeting.

You have even lost your attitude.

Quite honestly, I've never considered myself "sexy". I have never had that kind of confidence. I guess it's cool if I gave off that kind of persona at Lit, though. lol

 

[PhxPlay4n6]

OK Blessed, my 2 cents now.



I don't know how long you have been with him, but when I first ran into you months ago, you were quite confident, person who KNEW you were sexy. Sadly, now I see you as someone whos self esteem is plumeting.

You have even lost your attitude. You a4re losing yourself with this man.

What man would intentionally reject someone?mIs that someone you deserve? NO, you deserve to be loved.
Its ok for men to jack off, but not to hurt their partners while doing so.
Wht he is doing to you is called Mental abuse.
Telling you to "Make yourself pretty" is extremly mean.
Please consider making a change.

My Pm is always open.

I agree with this also. When I met Puppi so long ago, you had a great attitude and were very happy, then suddenly it all changed...it's almost like you don't see leaving him as an option, which I guess none of us will ever understand...but if you can make a change, that would be my advice...no one deserves to feel unloved.

 

[Guest]

Good Luck

Thank you.

 

[It'sasecret]

Blessedbe, even if you were able to find a way to get off masterbating I don't think that would solve your problem. Trust me I speak from experience. It's not an issue of you "getting off" but rather the issue of the rejection he causes you to feel. I masterbate w/o my husband but we still have all the same problems.

 

[bluespoke]

I've just read through the thread again.

Is there a possibility you could get him to go, with you, to counselling? I know it's not everyone's idea of a solution but when there is no real communication between you at present it would seem to be a possible option.

If he won't go then it may benefit you to go and see a counsellor yourself.

The one thing you must not do is keep it all to yourself, bottled up, waiting to explode.

 

[Guest]

Is there a possibility you could get him to go, with you, to counselling? I know it's not everyone's idea of a solution but when there is no real communication between you at present it would seem to be a possible option.

If he won't go then it may benefit you to go and see a counsellor yourself.

The one thing you must not do is keep it all to yourself, bottled up, waiting to explode.

He's made empty promises about us going to counseling together. But, once an argument subsides it's like he "forgets" his promises.

Since our last, very bad fight where I actually called my parents to "come and get me", he's made many promises... But, alas, they are all forgotten now.


I thank you all for your kind words and thoughts and for "caring" about me, but I have a feeling I will have a lifetime of this either in marriage or "living in sin". I've come to the conclusion that I will just grin and bear it and live this way. Quite honestly, I'm not even sure why I posted this thread. I knew no real "good" would come from it other than people offering advice and best wishes.

 

[It'sasecret]

Each post you make,I feel more and more like we are the same person. My husband also makes all kinds of empty promises. The last time we fought I said to him "if you really want to fix this, if want to show me that you really care, then take the steps to show me. Take the step to find a councelor" He said he would, never happened until this week when we fought AGAIN about the same shit. I called his attention to the fact he made promises. UGGGGGGGG frustrating.

 

[Guest]

UGGGGGGGG frustrating.

Very.

 

[Lust Engine]

I thank you all for your kind words and thoughts and for "caring" about me, but I have a feeling I will have a lifetime of this either in marriage or "living in sin". I've come to the conclusion that I will just grin and bear it and live this way. Quite honestly, I'm not even sure why I posted this thread. I knew no real "good" would come from it other than people offering advice and best wishes.

From the sounds of it, your husband getting off on porn is just some of the issues you two have. He seems very uncaring from what you've stated here and therein lies the big issue. he says he loves you but what proof does he offer? Relationships are based on communication & compromises & quite frankly I don't see him doing much of either.

I feel for you. You seem like a genuinely sweet person here. You've opened your feelings up to us here & a few even remembered you from way back. You seem genuine & sincere about trying to work things out. If he doesn't, then the writing may already be on the wall for you to read.

And if it so happens that you end up "living in sin"; isn't that better than living in your own imposed "hell"? And while no good may arise from you posting, you do realize that there are people out there that care (unlike at home at times). We do care...albeit from a distance and quite frankly anonymously but people do care here. I hope that caring from us can at least empower you somehow.

I wish you the best.