What to Do? Some heavy relationship issues... warning, longish post!

[Sting]

Lots of issues here... am married and am dealing with heavy issues... illness, past relationships and infidelity...

My wife is dealing with fibromyalgia, and its pretty serious - she has talked about "letting me go have a better life", as her condition is crippling her. I'm sure there will be some here who will say, but what about "in sickness and in health"? Yes "in sickness and in health" is a great notion, but much more difficult to deal with in real life - especially when your life together was a very active one. We travelled, played sports, etc. Now, even getting out of bed everyday is a challenge. Honestly, even I was shocked by my own reaction to all this... but it is what it is. She had also tried to conceal and deny her condition for two years - she used other ailments to cover things, and refused to seek medical help despite pushes from me and her family - we knew something was wrong, but she kept brushing us off.

Also, she still considers her ex-husband her soul-mate - they are still close and they have a son together. She and her ex had divorced due to his infidelity, but their divorce was, amazingly, very painless - when they finally did up papers a few months before we got married, they went to the courthouse on their own and did it in about an hour - they were even laughing and joking with the staff about it - and maybe this is telling, one of the asked them "You are getting divorced because...?". They had been separated for several years - just saw no reason to file final paperwork, as they were getting along and everything had been sorted out between them... they both had their separate lives, but of course still had their son between them. I knew this aspect from the beginning, but she seems to be missing that life more these days, as her son feels isolated where we live (in a rural area), and her son is thinking of wanting to move in with dad in the city.

On top of all this, when things were getting rough awhile back, I did seek out another person in my life. At first we were both just looking for a release from our problems. Her problem was an extremely inattentive husband - they had not had relations for over 2 years, and he is very uninvolved in her life and their family life. We met up, and the attraction was pretty immediate, we've been intimate, we text and email all the time. We could definitely have the life that seems to be slowly escaping me - actively doing things, no worry of illness, etc.

What do I do about all this... I know this is heavy... but I'm struggling heavily with all this.

Thanks in advance to those who decide to post!

 

[koalabear]

first you don't look for advice on a porn board.

 

[simplegirl]

First of all, you and your wife should see your doctors. Chronic pain can certainly have a huge impact on mental health. Depression is very common in chronic pain, and both conditions impact the entire family.

Second of all, see a psychologist for yourself. This will help sort out your feelings and see where it is you want to go with your life.

Best of luck.

 

[Sting]

Why not ask here? LOTS of people look at porn - its a multi-billion dollar industry. As the description of the Darkroom Lounge says: "Step into the lounge and relax and talk about everything. (No pic posting in this forum, please.)"

There are a lot of people who post to this site, and honestly, if you're posting here, you're more likely to be less close-minded... some pretty liberal thinkers around here and those who are probably into situations more complicated than my own.

Simplegirl... thank you for an intelligent reply. To answer some points: She has been seeing doctors about this, her GP and a specialist... honestly, the best that can be done is managing the pain... it will never go away, and will probably get worse... there is also a fear that lupus is involved along side this, which will only make the going tougher as time progresses. As for the counselling thing... I do know what I want... a more regular life, but I am torn as I feel I would be abandoning my wife... as I said... complicated situation.

 

[coastal-boy]

I hate answering stuff like this. I am a firm believer that if you havent walked in another's shoes, you really do not know what you would do. How many times have someone said...if I was in your situation, this is what I would do. Bullshit...until you are there...you dont really know what you would do.

However...I also hate it when someone justifies their actions or desires. I saw 3 very different issues...one in each paragraph. You already had problems with lack of communication as shown by the last 2 paragraphs...dont let that happen again when concerned with the first paragraph.

 

[ReadyOne]

I'm not posting this to give you affirmation to go do something. But I do believe in unconventional solutions where everyone comes out ahead.

I would have a meeting of everyone important in her life, past and present. It may take some preliminary work to get everyone on the same page, but come together with the focus on her best good.

Identify what she needs, and she wants. I'm sure her wants will include comfort and care from those important to her, and it sounds like she will not want people to go without because of her condition.

After she's assured that you all will take care of her, then discuss what you need to have that she can no longer give. She and her ex sound like very rational people, and I'd expect you all can hammer out some win-win guidelines.

Perhaps her, you and her ex can form a partnership where you take turns living with her as a care provider, maybe week at a time or 4 days on, 3 days off. Her physical care will be better; she will get better emotional support from two people who both love her, and you all will have considerable flexibility on sexual matters.

Depending on your relationship with him, you might be able to share residency or set up three residences. The attachment each of you have to your current home is a big influence. Maybe she would move into an apartment with two guest rooms occupied in alternation. Be conservative and preserve your private spaces.

Our community has several places where you can start in a small house with your spouse (assistance always quickly available from the staff). move to an apartment when you are visited regularly (assistance like housekeeping and cafeteria), move on to a monitored suite, then nursing care, etc.

The legal side may have you staying married, or maybe even her re-marring her ex -- it's based on benefits, assets, financial planning, etc. so she's eligible for services and you don't have to spend down everything. Legal contracts like pre-nups, etc. should be used.

You and the ex would have considerable freedom to pursue an outside life, including living with new companions. They would have to accept your situation as if you were caring for a sibling or parent, instead of your wife. This isn't that difficult when everyone's up-front about things. Many will see time apart as an asset.

The bottom line is dream up something good for everyone, and have the courage to build consensus for an unconventional life style. You can have win-win.

 

[nextformore]

same boat here

Sting my wife also suffers from it. Her meds have so completely killed her sex drive we haven't got it on in just over a year. Be very careful with her meds or you'll find yourself with the same problem.

I love her to death and wouldn't leave her for anything, but after this long sexless it's left me so permanently horny I got the shakes a lot of the time.

 

[Domesticity]

Edited bc I just realized the op was from 2008

 

[COCK_STAR]

Fibromyalgia is a fake disease. I'm betting on she has major depression issues. Move on dude