What the Fuck is Chemistry?

[Meat Whistler]

I recently went on a blind date with a man. He and I were friendly on the phone and got along well enough during the date. He was sweet, thoughtful, inquisitive, etc.; however, I just didn't feel "it". He didn't make me laugh or engage me in fascinating conversation (although the conversation was decent).

I'm not sure if my expectations are too high, whether I'm not ready for a relationship yet, or whether I'm judging too soon.

That leads me to a few questions: how would you define chemistry in a relationship? Do you have to feel chemistry on a first date in order to have a second date with that person?

Discuss.

 

[ozraven]

I recently went on a blind date with a man. He and I were friendly on the phone and got along well enough during the date. He was sweet, thoughtful, inquisitive, etc.; however, I just didn't feel "it". He didn't make me laugh or engage me in fascinating conversation (although the conversation was decent).

I'm not sure if my expectations are too high, whether I'm not ready for a relationship yet, or whether I'm judging too soon.

That leads me to a few questions: how would you define chemistry in a relationship? Do you have to feel chemistry on a first date in order to have a second date with that person?

Discuss.

It's an indefinable thing, mostly because we all feel it at least slightly differently. And no, I don't think so, some people that I love in my life now I really didn't think much of when I first met them, and the same has applied for partners along the way...... The fact that they are all exes though may mean that my thoughts here are irrelevant

 

[cinnamonstick]

I talked to a man on the phone and online for six months before I meet him. When I did I felt no attraction to him at all. It was strange that I felt that way considering how long we had talked. I knew what he looked like not like that was a problem. He was upset that I ended up not being interested which I can understand. We had invested all that time but you can't make yourself feel something you don't.
In this cause for me chemstry was that physical attration you feel for another person.

 

[Ezzy]

Mutual attraction or sympathy; rapport. Is the Dictionary.com definition of chemistry.

I feel this is a good starting point for an understanding of what it is but it does not go far enough in my book.

Chemistry is what makes your heart skip a beat and then beat faster, it brings a catch to your breathing, and makes your senses reel, it is the cause of love at first sight, and devotion beyond the bounds of reason.

It is the stimulation of the brain electrochemically, and the endocrinological response with hormones released into the blood stream, and brain endorphins in such quantities it is an addictive spike that we all unknowingly crave.

 

[SweetErika]

Mutual attraction or sympathy; rapport. Is the Dictionary.com definition of chemistry.

I feel this is a good starting point for an understanding of what it is but it does not go far enough in my book.

Chemistry is what makes your heart skip a beat and then beat faster, it brings a catch to your breathing, and makes your senses reel, it is the cause of love at first sight, and devotion beyond the bounds of reason.

It is the stimulation of the brain electrochemically, and the endocrinological response with hormones released into the blood stream, and brain endorphins in such quantities it is an addictive spike that we all unknowingly crave.

In my mind, that's just one type of chemistry, perhaps the physical variety. I also feel chemistry on a mental and emotional levels...that connection that makes me want to spend a vast amount of time with a friend or mate.

 

[Meat Whistler]

When you were dating, did you need to feel emotional and mental chemistry on the first date to proceed to the second movie? Or, did you give it more time?

 

[LadyJeanne]

When you were dating, did you need to feel emotional and mental chemistry on the first date to proceed to the second movie? Or, did you give it more time?

When on dates, if I didn't feel the mental and emotional chemistry, I would not go on another date.

When meeting men in other situations, it's happened that I've become attracted and began to feel the mental and emotional chemistry after getting to know someone that I didn't feel anything for at first.

So why wouldn't I give the date a second chance? Because it takes a long time to get to know people in such a way that you discover the chemistry. The construct of dating makes it almost impossible to get to know someone naturally over time - things get awkward very quickly if one feels something the other doesn't.

 

[Kissophile]

I'm going to climb way, way out on this limb. And Bobmi, you keep your hands away from that chain saw, you hear?

I believe that love is a force that exists outside us and that energizes us and drives us (these are not the best words but they come the closest for me right now) when we have a strong relationship with someone.

The best explanation I can give for the chemistry that develops between two people is similar to the way that hormones work on our brains. Certain brain cells have receptors that come in different shapes. They are a bit like keys with uniquely shaped locks. Only keys of that exact shape can unlock them.

When we fall in love, it's as if both of us have identical receptors for the force of love and so it enters each of us and joins us together. Once we are joined in and by this force, we feel emotions in the presence of the other and about the other that we feel only with them.

I'm sure that someone with a better understanding of biochemistry will cut this explanation to shreds. After all, what does an old English major know? The heart of the matter (pun intended) is that we do change when we fall in love. That change may or may not be chemical in nature, but it has come to be known as "chemistry" foir a very good reason I think.

With some people we feel this connection almost instantly (I've had this experience and it makes you into a new person). With others the connection grows more slowly. In those cases, I think that our receptors may actually change shape to accommodate this new person in our life.

Love is, indeed, a very mysterious force. I am grateful for the grace that I have been able to feel its impact in a deep and profound way.

 

[Bobmi357]

I'm going to climb way, way out on this limb. And Bobmi, you keep your hands away from that chain saw, you hear?

....revs up the old chain saw and grins evilly....

We are hard put to define chemisty partly because we are driven by it. There is a well documented chemical change to the brain which occurs when people first meet. Neurochemists claim this change probably accounts for that initial wave of lust people often feel upon entering a new relationship (its often called the honeymoon period). Its unfortunate that this initial wave is only temporary, but the fact is the brain cannot continue to release these chemicals. Additional research by socialogists even suggest that some people become addicted to that feeling and as a result careen through relationship after relationship, dumping the old whenever the feeling starts to fade.

While this chemical change is only now becoming understood at the chemical level, a few key items to the puzzle are still missing. It appears that the triggering mechanism for the lust high varies greatly from person to person. Its like we all have this engine, but somehow in a combination of our genetic makeup and our upbringing the mechanism for triggering it becomes unique to us as individuals. It is possible that within the next decade or so they could produce a pill which reproduces those particular emotional states within people.

Its getting harder and harder to consider things emotionally when science is slowly uncovering the facts. I would personally like to think that my feelings for my wife are driven by far more than a handful of neurotransmitters and some chemicals made by my brain. In some ways I think science will be able to define the "hows" of something, but not the "whys". Why did my brain release those chemicals when I met my wife? I don't know, I don't care, I'm just thankful they did.

I think its pretty rare to immediately have chemisty with someone you just met. It takes time to get to know someone, it takes time to see if that chemisty is going to develop. One date, in my opinion, isn't enough time to see if chemisty develops.

 

[sweetgirl666]

There is chemisty..in our brain. Ever heard that "I cant smell that person" thing? One of the things we can detect through smell is antibodies of the other person. If we smell that we are compatible and would need the other persons antibodies we are more attracted to them (dont ask me for the source of this though, but I heard it twice now, so there must be somethign with it).

I also met several guys I met online or through blind dates set up by friends (and we often talked on the phone first then)...and I actually found quite often that despite really having a connection with that person on the phone an dthrough email...I could not find anything for them in real. There is just the added part of seeing facial expressions, general physical attractivness and so on.

 

[SweetErika]

There is chemisty..in our brain. Ever heard that "I cant smell that person" thing? One of the things we can detect through smell is antibodies of the other person. If we smell that we are compatible and would need the other persons antibodies we are more attracted to them (dont ask me for the source of this though, but I heard it twice now, so there must be somethign with it).

I also met several guys I met online or through blind dates set up by friends (and we often talked on the phone first then)...and I actually found quite often that despite really having a connection with that person on the phone an dthrough email...I could not find anything for them in real. There is just the added part of seeing facial expressions, general physical attractivness and so on.

Google "pheromones"

 

[Meat Whistler]

I tend to think that a connection should take place on the first date. Isn't this connection similar to what one would consider "chemistry"? Is it unrealistic to assume this could happen on a first date?

 

[wicked woman]

Originally posted by Meat Whistler
I tend to think that a connection should take place on the first date. Isn't this connection similar to what one would consider "chemistry"? Is it unrealistic to assume this could happen on a first date?

I don't think it's so much that it's unrealistic to assume chemistry can happen on a first date...obviously it can. I think the issue is that it doesn't always...so by only allowing it to happen on the first date (since you won't agree to a second without the chemistry if I remember properly) that means you're denying yourself the possibility of genuine love that sometimes grows over time. Your choice.

 

[Meat Whistler]

 

[SweetErika]

One thought is how often are people completely themselves on the first few dates? What if the chemistry or could be there, but it's behind a facade of nerves and the usual awkwardness?

I agree with the other posters who have said you miss out when you discount someone after the first date for a lack of chemistry.

 

[frisky]

For some unknown reason, I tend to find that I either 'click' with someone or I don't. It's just the way you move and talk with each other, almost as if you're in synchronization or something. Perhaps this is some type of discrete level of chemistry? Really, I don't know.

Regarding the 'second-date worthy' issue, I tend to just blatantly go with my gut feeling rather than attempting to analyze the previous few hours and such. In most cases I find that first decision to be the best decision.

 

[ksmybuttons]

Google "pheromones"

Yep. It's in his pits. You can develop a rapport with someone on-line, even think you're in love, but until you actually meet, you'll not know if the pheromones kick in.

 

[crazybbwgirl]

I've only had the instant chemistry thing twice in my life. The first one was my ex husband - who turned out to be a giant turd. The second time was 20 years later with my current lover. And he has turned out to be the most awesome man I've ever met!

Does this mean my instant chemistry detector is getting better?

 

[SweetErika]

I've only had the instant chemistry thing twice in my life. The first one was my ex husband - who turned out to be a giant turd. The second time was 20 years later with my current lover. And he has turned out to be the most awesome man I've ever met!

Does this mean my instant chemistry detector is getting better?

I think it goes to show that chemistry isn't a substitute for good judgement. I've been in relationships where the physical, mental, and emotional chemistry were great, but the reality wasn't. Those were hard to break off because the chemistry clouded my view of what the person was really like.

On the other hand, I've never felt an incredible amount of physical chemistry with my husband. However, we have a wonderful connection on many other levels, and both my brain and heart have always said "yes" to this relationship.

 

[crazybbwgirl]

Well I can't say that either man had anything to do with good judgement! hehehe

 

[Meat Whistler]

One thought is how often are people completely themselves on the first few dates? What if the chemistry or could be there, but it's behind a facade of nerves and the usual awkwardness?

I agree with the other posters who have said you miss out when you discount someone after the first date for a lack of chemistry.

I agree that people aren’t always themselves on the first date. However, we did have a few conversations, many of which were long. And, well, we just didn’t “click” like I had wanted. But, I agreed to a first date given that the phone can be restrictive.

I may be giving up on a great person, but overall, the experience made me realize that I’m not ready. Thank you for your insights.

*****both my brain and heart have always said "yes" to this relationship.

I think that’s just it. I’m not getting a confirmation from within myself and I really need to learn to listen to my gut more. I often second-guess it and I know that’s my own issue. Thank you for sharing.

 

[SweetErika]

I agree that people aren’t always themselves on the first date. However, we did have a few conversations, many of which were long. And, well, we just didn’t “click” like I had wanted. But, I agreed to a first date given that the phone can be restrictive.

I may be giving up on a great person, but overall, the experience made me realize that I’m not ready. Thank you for your insights.



You’re absolutely right. I think I’m going to go with my gut, which is that I’m not ready and he’s not right for me. Thank you.



Heh. True.



I think that’s just it. I’m not getting a confirmation from within myself and I really need to learn to listen to my gut more. I often second-guess it and I know that’s my own issue. Thank you for sharing.

It sounds like you gave him and chemistry a fair chance and made a good call.

 

[Honeysucklevine]

Mutual attraction or sympathy; rapport. Is the Dictionary.com definition of chemistry.

I feel this is a good starting point for an understanding of what it is but it does not go far enough in my book.

Chemistry is what makes your heart skip a beat and then beat faster, it brings a catch to your breathing, and makes your senses reel, it is the cause of love at first sight, and devotion beyond the bounds of reason.

It is the stimulation of the brain electrochemically, and the endocrinological response with hormones released into the blood stream, and brain endorphins in such quantities it is an addictive spike that we all unknowingly crave.

That being said, the new study out today in New Scientist magazine reports that they took 44 women aged 40-50 years. They gave one group a placebo fragrance and the other group fragrance mixed with the SWEAT OF TEENAGE GIRLS. The outcome? 41 percent of all the women report having more frequent thoughts of sex, and increased hugging-kissing time. This 41 percent were in the fragrance mixed with sweat group! They are calling it _Pheromone 10:13_ for now. The scientists from Harvard have a patent pending. It will be available to the public once patented.

Just a thought; What happens to these women if you add the effects of chocolate, endorphins from exercise, hormones during ovulation, AND the _Pheromon 10:13_ fragrance? You are going to have some pretty horny post menopausal women!

 

[Halo_n_horns]

I've been in a number of situations where different kinds of chemistry came to the surface.

The most powerful of which was when I fell head over heels for a woman who admitted to feeling the same for me before we even said a word to one another. We just new when we saw each other for the first time that "it" was between us. But, alas, it was not to be...

 

[Raimondin]

re: What the Fuck is chemistry?

I think chemistry is when no words are needed. No, I don't mean total silence, no. Just sudddenly both of you start to communicate in a non-verbal manner of different gestures or with the "eye" thing, and you're both enjoying each other's company at the same time. Sometimes words can fuck up everything or words can suddenly put up expectations that can ruin the momentum...