What matters in a relationship?

[Munachi]

actually this post is quite vague as I guess it reflects my current confusion... Leaving this place in a few days and leaving someone behind - and sometimes I wonder if I should stay... But things are so complicated.

One often thinks that all that matters is that you like the person you are with, or a compatibility in personality and interests maybe, but that things like upbringing or money don't matter. But they have so much influence anyway. The other day he just said that the problem is that our lives are so different. I guess sometimes neither of us can really imagine the other's life.

How important is a similar background for you? Any experience with people from a very different cultural or social background? Did it work or did it cause problems?

 

[Suzins]

I'm very interested in this thread and the responses. I'm in a similar situation right now as a matter of fact. I didn't think it would play into it that big either.

He spent his entire childhood in church. Studied Theology, got his BA. And is a truck driver now. Swears constantly, and is a total pervert. I don't go to church, except for weddings and funerals. Swear and also a pretty good pervert. Probably because that's not how I was raised. And its not like I have a problem with his beliefs. I might even develop some of my own eventually, I just have never spent my time on religion as I have learning other things.

But in a fight and he starts saying "the bible says this..." Or saying "me and my mom were paraying last night for...." Maybe I'm just not used to hearing people say that kind of stuff. And honestly I think that is the only problem we have, is the difference in our upbringing. Neither one can appreciate the other.

Not meaning to hi-jack the thread with my own woes. But I guess my 2 cents would be yes similar backgrounds do hold importance. Unless you both wind up having relatively the same values and similar ideas. And aren't these usually ingrained in us by our upbringing?

I guess love just can't conquer all.

 

[karndav]

But in a fight and he starts saying "the bible says this..." Or saying "me and my mom were paraying last night for...." Maybe I'm just not used to hearing people say that kind of stuff. And honestly I think that is the only problem we have, is the difference in our upbringing. Neither one can appreciate the other.

I think you have hit the key point. if you can't appreciate the difference you don't have a snowballs chance in heoll of surviving. Your boyfrined sounds like he falls back on his upbringing when it is convienent for him and uses it to fight dirty.

Being in the military I have seen may marriages between people of different backgrounds and the key to sucess in every oneof them was commuincation and respect. They discussed before hand waht religion they would bring the children up in and in some cases one spouse converted to the others religion. They discussed how to blend traditions and holidays to reflect both backgrounds. It seemed only to work as long as there was mutual repsect and lots of ocmmunication.

As for differnces in money, I would think that could easily be overcome. But maybe thats becuase we have never had much!! LOL!! it has never mattered much to me how much money a person has. i would think the thing hee would be how the peron who has the money acts about it, if he flaunts it. and if we are talking about a great deal of money how the family acts. Also how the person with out themoney acts. If they act like they have a chip on their shoulder about not having as much money that could be a problem. but like I said, I have never been in that position adn i don't let money get in the way of my relationships.

Good luck to both of you.

 

[M's girl]

I think backgrounds and upbringing are essential issues. Part of being able to understand the other person is if you can identify with situations and the other person's lifestyle. This goes for everything from religion to money and from principals to behaviour.... to name a few.

It's OK to disagree sometimes, or even a lot of the times, as long as you can agree to disagree. For this the basic values of people have to match in some way. One thing I think that will make you feel comfortable in a relationship is if you experience that your partner is 'thinking and acting' as you would in certain situations that are important to you. If you recognise yourself in the other person. Often what attracts us in people from other cultural backgrounds and/or religious beliefs are exotic aspects. Then, when you go deeper into the relationship you will find that the most basic things can be source of a problem between you two. Then it will only work if there's lots of respect and (here it is again) communication. And the will to compromise.

What I found is that I, for instance, think I'm doing well in life. I have morals and values and consider them to be normal, or even the norm.... maybe. I know it does not work this way all the time, but I think I'm a fairly reasonable person. Still, I sometimes wonder about partners, friends, lovers and the things they do. Just when I thought I knew them quite well they will do something that surprises me. And I find myself thinking "what for heaven's sake made him/her do or say that!?" You expect and hope people will be sort of the same once you team up with them in whatever way (friendship, affair, relationship). It differs from person to person how much you are willing to accept from the other if it does conflict in a way with your beliefs.

I think if you are somewhat from the same sort of upbringing thill will be half of what makes you compatible. Often when you first meet someone you really like it's because they do or say things you recognise; you mirror yourself in them. That's, by the way, also what people tend to do when they really like each other... their body language will match up and also how they speak to each other (using specific words and intonations); it's all about making the other person feel comfortable. You are only successful if you can FEEL the same about certain things.

Now, I'm not saying people from different (cultural) backgrounds or different religious backgrounds can't successfully team up. But it will take more sense of compassion and understanding maybe. And the will to see the things that make you so different to be a valuable addition to your beliefs.

Hmmmm.... am I making sense? It's hard to put to words.

 

[bisexplicit]

I never realized how much financial status was important to me until I got into my relationship with my boyfriend.

Coming from a family, and a whole community, that was upper middle class, I still continue to be shocked. And while its not something I'd break up with him over, I have come to the realization that a qualification for me, before I married someone, is finacial stability.

 

[INeedLove]

You are asking very difficult questions. I am sure you will get a range of responses. And ultimately, you need to take care of yourself and do what you think is right.

If you are having a tough time seeing his life and understanding his life, you should be cautious. I think it is important to be able to envision yourself (and vice versa) in the other's world. Money is an issue. Marriages break up over money problems. If your cultural background is different, you need to explore that too. If you value the relationship and he does too. Why not see a relationship counselor? Explore the positive and negative aspects of your situation.

I got married to a man who had many differences from me. I was naive and thought love was enough. Ultimately it wasn't. He ended up being a different person at the end of the marriage. I never dreamed I'd be divorced from him. Now, I'm begining to open my heart to the possibility of love again. I won't be as naive as before. Blending the fantasy of a wonderful relationship with the reality of day to day life with another person is my goal. I hope this makes sense?

Good luck to you in your decisions! One other thing I have learned-TRUST YOUR GUT!! I wish you many smiles!!

 

[kitedemon]

Interesting thread

I never realized how much financial status was important to me until I got into my relationship with my boyfriend.

Coming from a family, and a whole community, that was upper middle class, I still continue to be shocked. And while its not something I'd break up with him over, I have come to the realization that a qualification for me, before I married someone, is finacial stability.

I started a similar post on the General board
(https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=367327). The posting there seems to center around communication as a stumbling block.

Do you agree or do you think there are more powerful factors such as money and family?

 

[Munachi]

Thanks for all your responses...

As for the relationship itself, I guess it won't continue once I leave - we know each other too little time, and things are too difficult right now. I still keep imagining whatever phantastic ways of things to work out, and we also plan to stay in touch, and who knows, maybe one day things will be different... I am ok this moment, not sure how I will be at the airport tomorrow...

Anyway, it mainly just made me wonder about some things, that is why I posted the OP...

As for differnces in money, I would think that could easily be overcome. But maybe thats becuase we have never had much!! LOL!! it has never mattered much to me how much money a person has. i would think the thing hee would be how the peron who has the money acts about it, if he flaunts it. and if we are talking about a great deal of money how the family acts. Also how the person with out themoney acts. If they act like they have a chip on their shoulder about not having as much money that could be a problem. but like I said, I have never been in that position adn i don't let money get in the way of my relationships.

Well in this case money is an issue in even staying together - I am not rich but don't have real worries in money either... Average German, I'd say... He can't finish university right now because for his final exam he'd have to pay about 3 times of what he earns per month right now - which is the amount I'd earn in working six days in my student job back home... It just makes it really weird that even if we want to do things together (like when we did some weekend trips to nearby places), I will have to pay for both, and I would think that with the time that would become an issue. Not that I wouldn't want to - but it makes for a complicated system of dependencies I think... And of course, now that I have to leave, had we decided to try to stay together the thing would be he could never come to my home... Anything financial would basically be up to me.

Money is not so much a direct issue, we haven't argued about it, but it is somewhat bizarre to me at times - the fact that an amount that to me is almost nothing, is a lot to him or other people I know here. And that I at times forget, and say things like "why don't you just buy this or that..." and that at the same time for him I think it is difficult to imagine where the limits of "my" money (because additionally it has to be kept in mind that a big part of my money still comes from my parents support, until I finish university) are...

 

[Munachi]

If you are having a tough time seeing his life and understanding his life, you should be cautious. I think it is important to be able to envision yourself (and vice versa) in the other's world. Money is an issue. Marriages break up over money problems. If your cultural background is different, you need to explore that too. If you value the relationship and he does too. Why not see a relationship counselor? Explore the positive and negative aspects of your situation.

In a way I do understand his life. And in a way I don't. I have a lot of friends with very different lifes, and it is part of the life and interests I chose for myself, to learn about their lifes, and to share them to a certain degree. And of course all this makes me learn just how lucky I am. But at the same time it can still be difficult. Just as one example, work... I did some newspaper distributing as a kid, and tought English to little kids when I was about to finish school twice a week - to buy some things I liked... He started selling things in the market as an eight year old to support his family. I do wonder if we stayed together, how this for example might bring quite a different attitude to the upbringing of children, and of course it also made our work morals quite different (I see work as something that is important but should never be the major part of my life, he seems to be working all the time except when he studies, eats, or sleeps...)

Anyway, as I said I am leaving anyway and this will end things unfortunately, so I guess no counselor is necessary (apart from that we don't know each other that long yet)...

 

[LadyJeanne]

In a way I do understand his life. And in a way I don't. I have a lot of friends with very different lifes, and it is part of the life and interests I chose for myself, to learn about their lifes, and to share them to a certain degree. And of course all this makes me learn just how lucky I am. But at the same time it can still be difficult. Just as one example, work... I did some newspaper distributing as a kid, and tought English to little kids when I was about to finish school twice a week - to buy some things I liked... He started selling things in the market as an eight year old to support his family. I do wonder if we stayed together, how this for example might bring quite a different attitude to the upbringing of children, and of course it also made our work morals quite different (I see work as something that is important but should never be the major part of my life, he seems to be working all the time except when he studies, eats, or sleeps...)

Anyway, as I said I am leaving anyway and this will end things unfortunately, so I guess no counselor is necessary (apart from that we don't know each other that long yet)...

Sweets, you don't have to decide today what will happen in the rest of your life. Who can say who this guy will be once he finishes studying? Who can say who you will be after you've been away for a while?

It sounds like you've met a very interesting guy, someone you respect and care for. Maybe coming from different cultures is enriching both of you. End the romance because of distance, but maintain the friendship.

 

[bertrande]

Sweets, you don't have to decide today what will happen in the rest of your life. Who can say who this guy will be once he finishes studying? Who can say who you will be after you've been away for a while?

It sounds like you've met a very interesting guy, someone you respect and care for. Maybe coming from different cultures is enriching both of you. End the romance because of distance, but maintain the friendship.

I agree with this advice - one thing i did wonder about was your ages (am assuming early 20's but haven't checked your profile). I only wonder about this because the differences between me and anyone I am involved with seem to matter less to me now that I am older, and nearly divorced, than when I was younger. I am lucky enough not to have religion as a difference with my ex husband, so there is no problems with the way I raise our children. When I was married to my ex we were from different financial backgrounds and our families had different educations, my family only finished high school whereas his all went to university except for him. He is a truck driver. And I admit, in hindsight, to marrying him because he was safe - he was never gonna hit me or emotionally abuse me (so I thought).


Anyway this has been a long way around saying that I think the differences may matter less as a person experiences life more.

Remain friends if you can because that old saying is true - sometimes you don't know what you've got til it's gone.

 

[boston_bbw]

This is an interesing thread as it has played a part in both my siblings lives. My brother had been seeing and living with a girl for 3 years who he swore was "the one". He did the church every week thing as all we kids did until 18, then we were left to make a decision for ourselves. Sadly none of us cont. to be active in the church. His girlfriend was diagnosed with cancer at the age of 28 and given 3-6 month to live. He was living on the opposite coast with her and due to his upbringing when things get tough you pray, you ask "God" for strength, etc.. He knew the girlfriend was an Athiest but didn't think much of it until this event. He was dealing in his own way and she was basically condoning his way. She said that if their was a God he must be cruel in letting this happen to her. That he shouldnt waste his energy on praying etc.. Her reaction to his beliefs was the deal breaker for this relationship. I am however happy to report 2 bone marrow transplants and 5 years later she is still doing ok.

In my sisters case she has been with her fiancee for 8 years now. They have 2 children. She completly downplayed the racial differences between them, she is now realizing racial differences often mean differences in other areas. They have differences in work ethic, or lack of in his case, how they dicipline the children, the amount of involvement with the children, down to simple stuff like she thinks the house is a dump and he says he just cleaned it. They were definately born and raised on different sides of the tracks and I hope for the kids sake some day their tracks will merge but it's not looking good.

 

[Lynxie]

Compatability in terms of lifestyle can definitely be beneficial for a couple, but coming from different walks of life doesn't necessarily doom a relationship to failure. I suppose it depends on the individual's level of open-mindedness, willingness to change, and their ability to adapt to new situations, cultures, or lifestyles.

This thread made me think of my cousin in England. She has a PhD in biology, and a masters in Art. She's a successful painter/photographer living in London, and has had many gallery shows.

A couple years ago, she visited Romania with a humanitarian group to teach children in rural areas about art (including how to make their own art supplies with materials they could find around their farms, like horse-hair paintbrushes). She met a guy there, and went back numerous times to visit him.

He was the village cow-herder. Each morning, it was his job to walk through town and gather the cows from their owners' yards. He'd walk them to pasture, and then bring them home again in the evening. Earlier this year, he proposed to my cousin.

Unfortunately, after much discussion and deliberation, they decided to break off their relationship. He'd visited London and couldn't envision himself living in that environment. She couldn't see herself adapting to the life of a typical Romanian housewife. Neither of them was ready for such a commitment.

Being in a long-term relationship can be challenging enough for couples who do come from similar backgrounds. If you throw in cultural differences, it's a whole new ballgame. Some people are up for the challenge, some aren't.

 

[Munachi]

I agree with this advice - one thing i did wonder about was your ages (am assuming early 20's but haven't checked your profile). I only wonder about this because the differences between me and anyone I am involved with seem to matter less to me now that I am older, and nearly divorced, than when I was younger. I am lucky enough not to have religion as a difference with my ex husband, so there is no problems with the way I raise our children. When I was married to my ex we were from different financial backgrounds and our families had different educations, my family only finished high school whereas his all went to university except for him. He is a truck driver. And I admit, in hindsight, to marrying him because he was safe - he was never gonna hit me or emotionally abuse me (so I thought).


Anyway this has been a long way around saying that I think the differences may matter less as a person experiences life more.

Remain friends if you can because that old saying is true - sometimes you don't know what you've got til it's gone.

Well I am 25 and he is 29... What would be easier if we were older is that I guess I could more easily decide to stay longer so we can get to know each other better.

But yes, we will definitely remain friends, I am very sure of that.

Ha as for different ideas about raising kids, I just remembered that day we went across some local market, and a woman was selling those bandages they wrap up their children in - the babys are wrapped up tightly for a few hours per day, and it is said it makes them stronger. He said why don't I buy one as a present for my little half brother. I said my bro's mom would kill me. He said if he ever has children he will definitely wrap them up like that... While I said it seems kind of cruel to me... But I guess in fact in those things I personally would (if we stayed together and one day had kids) go by where we live - I think an important thing for kids is not to be too different from the kids around them, and as these things influence the child's character, I guess I would agree with wrapping them up if I raise them in Peru, but I would be against it if I raise them in Germany...

 

[Munachi]

anyway... in lima now, and kind of cold and lonely... but he is on msn right now so at least i can talk to him...

 

[rwattsIII]

respect.......

 

[Munachi]

so after some glasses of wine and a long talk from a friend i am sitting here not knowing what to do - do i just stay with my original plans to be save, and travel on to chile on saturday, or do i return to cusco just so i will not wonder later on what could have been?

 

[SweetErika]

How important is a similar background for you?

I probably would have answered differently before, but after some relationships and marriage, I think it's very important to me. I tend to think my husband and I are very different, but we really have a lot in common background-wise, and I believe that's helped to make our relationship successful. Some of the areas I've noticed are:

-Money. Our parents both raised us with the concepts of not accumulating debt and saving. Because of that, neither of us has gotten into credit card debt, we have similar ideas on spending, and prioritize saving. I can see where it'd be really difficult if we had different values in this area...I couldn't live in a relationship with someone who didn't want to save or accumulated a lot of bad debt because having the money to take care of our needs and for emergencies really gives me peace of mind, and I think I'd be a wreck if we didn't have that security.

-Education. His parents and my mom really valued education, helped us through school, and we both believe in doing the same for our child(ren). More than that though, is having a common background, experiences, and being able to talk about and understand issues that are important to us. My dad barely finished highschool and my mom has a Masters degree, and that created a huge gap between them because they had a different view of the world, few shared experiences, and he didn't value formal education.

I'm not saying people without education are any less intelligent or well-versed at all; just that it's important to me to have common values in this area and higher education often changes the way people think and relate. I have friends who have different educational backgrounds, and it's generally no problem at all, but there have been times where we can't talk about certain subjects and can't understand where the other is coming from because of the difference. I'd have trouble if that were the case with a long-term partner.

-Social Issues and Values. We have a lot of shared beliefs and values in this area, and that makes it easier, IMO. For example, we're both pro-birth control and pro-choice, which is important because I would have a really difficult time taking big risks or being a parent before I thought I could be a good one. We were both raised to respect other cultures and religions, and neither of us believes there is one right way to go in either area. Our families believed in, and taught us similar values in terms of having integrity, responsibility, treating others well, etc., and I think it'd be impossible for me to live with someone who didn't share those core beliefs.

That said, there have been some major differences in background that have been hard to overcome. He was raised in a family that did not believe in expressing love outwardly, affection, romance, doing little thoughtful things, counseling, divorce, etc. My background is the complete opposite. Thankfully, we've both been able to come together and compromise on this, but we almost didn't many, many times. I have strong beliefs about not self-medicating or making a habit out of consuming alcohol (or other substances, for that matter)...in his childhood, doing so was the norm. We have different backgrounds when it comes to guns, hunting, recreation, and some politics.

Essentially though, we have enough in common to make it work quite well. I've had relationships with people where there are seemingly more differences than similarities, and I think many cases, that's why it didn't work out. I think the spirit of respecting others, learning, agreeing to disagree, and compromise goes a long way though, so perhaps the lack of those things was the real issue.