What makes you stop hating someone?

[SEVERUSMAX]

For me, it is if I get to know them over time and I realize that they're not mean or vicious people. They just misunderstood me as much as I did them.

 

[Recidiva]

Time. I'm forgiving over time. Ultimately it leaches out of me and is gone.

 

[MissBri]

 

[McKenna]

Time.

Distance.

Therapy.

But my most severe hates have once been severe loves. It makes it a different kind of hate, maybe?

 

[Guest]

Time....
sometimes A LOT of time

Sometimes if it is an unemotional hate then maybe talking to them helps to fix some of the misunderstandings that went into the bad feelings to begin with

If it is an emotion based hate....
I make no promises that it will ever go away, a very good friend of mine once said to me "Girl you are just a giant heart with arms and legs" I completely agree which is why the emotional slings and arrows tend to make me 'forever hate'

 

[Guest]

If I make it all the way to hate -- if I actively hate someone, which takes effort and energy -- chances are I will always hate them. Hate is a big emotion to fuel, so I don't enter into it lightly.

That said, I can't think of anyone I actively hate. However, there are many people to whom I am totally indifferent, and a few dozen others I momentarily dislike. There are one or two people walking in the world for whom I wouldn't swerve my car should they step in front of it, because to do so would be to care , but I wouldn't swerve off the road to hit them for the same reason. I just don't have the energy to hate anymore. I don't invest in it.

 

[ibhard]

when they're dead? some hate is too hard to let go of when the individual's actions are truely heinous.

 

[Boota]

I never forgive or forget anything. If someone does something to make me hate them, they've earned it and it's for life.

 

[McKenna]

I never forgive or forget anything. If someone does something to make me hate them, they've earned it and it's for life.

Eep.

Mental note: Do not piss Boota off.

 

[Kev H]

Ooo, great question. This is as individual as any (and an interesting insight into someone's anger management tools); I tend to reason that they are not worth it, and that the anger towards them affects me negatively and does nothing to them (since they are usually oblivious). So I tend to get angry very slowly (I usually just distance at "constantly frustrated") and it goes away pretty fast as the initial emotions wear or tire me out (usually less than a day/night). I use the one-two punch of apathy and "move on" constructive attitude. It helps replace my anger with a fun cynicism/humour.

 

[Aurora Black]

For me, it is if I get to know them over time and I realize that they're not mean or vicious people. They just misunderstood me as much as I did them.

That has happened with me on several occasions, but I try not to "hate" anyone.

But if I do, I'm like Boota. If the offense is great enough, I don't forgive. Ever.

 

[zeb1094]

There have been few people that would incure my hatred. That being said there are two right now which the emotion of hate is there when they are thought of, which I try to do rarely as I don't think it is worth the effort.

Other than those two, there are none that I hate. As Mal stated, indifference is about as far as I go. If I saw them laying on the ground I may stand and watch but it is very doubtful I would expend the energy to help them.

Of those I do hate, if given the chance of not being caught or even suspected, would I do something about them. My immediate answer would be yes, but as I sit here I truely believe I would have to ponder on the results that would occur. Not just to myself but others I care about as those whom I hate effect not just my life but others.

Initially hate is there for someone that has done me wrong but quickly turns to indifference as I get on with my life and have no further interaction with those whom I am indifferent too, unless they happen to get in my face often.

 

[Nirvanadragones]

At times I have hated characteristics or aspects of a person, but I don't think I have ever actively hated anyone. I have learnt that with time, as I get to know myself better, I can deal with acceptance and tollerance more, instead of being angry and feeling hostile towards another.

 

[Guest]

 

[Highsided]

Forgiveness is something that you must fell within yourself, no amount of thought or pure lateral thinking will ever allow you to freely give your forgiveness to another. Human nature is biased towards forgiveness, purely for selfish reasons we want to forgive other persons, this might be unknown to our minds or ego but to our hearts & soul it has always been true.
Have you ever felt sorry for a person more affected than yourself? That sorrow is always there, it will never leave you. I believe that it is that belief that we can forgive another, even if the sin is a mortal sin. The art of forgiveness is easy.
Some may think that religion is the key, from a personal stand it is not; I have always believed in something, but not a God, it is too defined.
Forgiveness will always be the hardest step for one party to follow, yet it always reflects that persons inner strength and character.

 

[gauchecritic]

I've recently come to realise that I've always known there are enough influences on my life without allowing some tosser to not let me live my life the way I want to live it.

Most constraints on my life I took upon myself and looked forward to them, anticipated them, adjusted myself to them before they happened. Marriage, kids, job, bad drivers, beurocracy, ill health, being left alone.

Why do I need hate to fill my waking hours and populate my dreams? It does nothing but waste my time.

 

[minsue]

When I stop caring about them. You have to care to hate.

 

[Liar]

I don't think I've actually hated anyone. Not really. Some strong dislike and annoyance, yes. But hate?

Good point from min. I think that thouse that I could have hated, I decided wasn't worth the energy to care about.

 

[LadyJeanne]

I don't truly hate people that I know. In cases where I feel wronged, I might feel anger and something that I might reference as hate, but it's a temporary state of mind. Once the initial pain period eases, I end up feeling sorry for them, or completely indifferent. I might still hate their actions, but hating them indefinitely isn't really something I have the energy for.

In the abstract, I can 'hate' people I don't know...murderers, political leaders, the guy that had my car towed because I was two inches into the edge of his spacious driveway...

I think the only time I might feel real hate for someone is if they hurt my loved ones. Then, it would take a lot of time and a show of remorse on their part for me to forgive.

 

[3113]

I dislike strongly on the small scale--that is, people who piss me off. I don't think I hate them; they're usually not worth that much energy. So long as they're not in my field of vision, I can usually be indifferent about them. And then, sometimes, as mentioned, I get to know them better and may actually not dislike them so much.

But that's "dislike" not "hate."

Hate, for me, goes to one of two types:
1) Those people who do (or did) something to people I love. Anyone who ever did anything awful to, say, my husband...I hate them. My husband may not hate them, but I do. Can't help it. It would take a lot for me to release that hate. I mean, they'd have to be suffering from years of guilt and remorse, confessing their sins, etc. If not, they stay on my list. Ad infinitum.

2) The big scale. Those are people who historically or currently are doing things that really ruin a lot of lives, usually for their own selfish gain or really screwed up reasons.

So far as I'm concerned, the big-scale folk have got my hate for life. I'm willing to accept that people are people and will do stupid things--there is no American President, for example, who was ever a saint or perfect or didn't make some really bad mistake--wittingly or unwittingly--during his time in office. But there have been a few that have done what I consider to be awful things--really awful; and done it with their eyes wide open, for selfish reasons and without a single care for the lives they were going to shatter. That kind of fucking around gets no forgivness.

 

[BigFatMeat]

Your heart.

 

[SeaCat]

I no longer allow myself to feel hatred.

At one time I did. I lost a woman I loved to hatred. I buried a wonderful woman because of the hatred of a small group of people. Because of this I hated not just this small group but those they claimed to represent. I did things I am still not proud of because of this hatred.

One day a man I respected highly was sitting with me and talking with me. He made the comment that it was as wrong to blame an entire group of people for what a small portion of them had done as it was what had happened to me.

Maybe it was just the right time for this comment because it started me thinking. It started me looking over my life and what I had been doing. I can admit that this shamed me. I looked at myself and realised something else. My hatred was not just with these people but with myself. I hadn't been there to help. Somehow in my mind I had it that if I had been there I could have somehow protected her, stopped her from being killed.

It took me a long time to realize this, a long time to start working through my hatred both of this people and myself.

Maybe you can understand this, maybe you had to have gone through it as I did. This explains why I look at those who look down on others as below them as fools. This is why you will see me take a bite out of people who preach hatred or discord over someone who is different. This is why I can no longer respect those who preach that those who are different must be stopped or banned. I will never allow myself to go back to the way I was.

Cat

 

[Aurora Black]

Jesus, Cat. Thanks for sharing that with us.

 

[SeaCat]

Jesus, Cat. Thanks for sharing that with us.

Many here know my story. What happened and why.

What is incredible to me is that even though they know it they still accept me and my ideas. (Even if they sometimes make some people uncomfortable.)

All of us have gone through something similar, every one of us. In my case it was a bit more extreme than most peoples.

All of us deal with hatred in one way, shape form or another. In my opinion, and this is only my opinion, it is up to us to deal with it in a loving manner.

I believe that hatred is one of two emotions that destroys. It destroys both the one who feels the hatred as well as those the hatred is directed at.

Maybe it is because I have been there. I have been through it. I have felt the hatred and seen what it can make you do. Maybe it is because of this that I feel the way that I do towards other people.

The most important thing for me though is that I have learnd from this. I can only hope that others never have to learn it the way I did.

Cat

 

[cantdog]

Time and ennui. Eventually, I get bored with hate. That doesn't mean I'm going to trust someone, or give them another chance, it just means that I refuse to spend the time & energy on hating them.

You are at a cusp. You should introspect. Spiritual progress happens by introspection, integrating the new gains into your conscious world view.

jammies, a grudge is more than just a waste of your energy. It's immature, besides. There is a point when your better-dead list fades and your grudges with it; it is a new phase in your spiritual growth. The kind of statement you make here, in the quote, is a sign that you are moving up the ladder; it's a spontaneous manifestation of the new rung you are climbing.

You should know that a grudge is a great effort, sustaining an essentially toxic revenge drive, toxic not to your object, who does not 'feel' all this hatred, but to you. You should also know that hatred is composed of detestation and fear, and mostly fear. Why do all that psychic work to maintain your fear, sharp and pure, over years?

Because you only hate that which you first fear. And all your guilt, as well, is resentment in other clothes. The wise have told us this for millenia, all of them, Buddha, Christ, Krishna, all of them. And because you are saying what you say here, I know you are ready, interiorly, for that wisdom. Let go of hatred, stop holding grudges, ever. You are already there, and introspection will help you integrate it. Welcome to the next level.