What makes BDSM, BDSM?

[Krinaia]

In my searching and experiences, I've found myself to be a fetishist, and therefore under this larger umbrella of the BDSM community. Others in the community might think I don't belong because I'm in a niche of sexuality (even though I roleplay bordering on being a part of the larger community).

So what makes a person a bdsmer? How much bdsm stuff does a person have to do to be a bdsmer? Is it all mental? Is it the toys? Are people a part of this community without ever realizing it?

I don't particularly want to see people discussing their particular fetish here -it won't help what I'm trying to answer. I'm trying to understand what makes this community what it is and if you've been in it a long while - how it's changed, what has changed it. How do you view the community. What makes you hesitant to call yourself a member of it, what makes you glad to call yourself a member of it?

 

[Netzach]

Kind of a weird answer, but I'm going to say that wanting to be part of the community has been what makes me part of the community.

I could do all the things I do in the privacy of my bedroom and no one would ever know, and I don't really include people who don't want to be in the community in it. I think that's kind of arrogant.

I *want* to be part of a historical continuum of Leather, I *want* to be out, I *want* to be counted and I've taken risks and pains to do so.

Even if I didn't have a bottom to do mean and fun things to right now, I would be in the community.

 

[RJMasters]

My opinion or viewpoint

To answer your questions of what makes a person a BDSMer, I think understanding what the letters stand for is a good start. There are altered variations of accepted definitions since this is my response I will put in what I think.

BD - B&D stands for Bondage and Discipline.

DS - D&S stands for Dominant and Submissive

SM - S&M stands for Sadism and Masochism

That being said I would like to borrow a paragraph from an article by Cater Stevens.
Link to article is provide

In regards to defining what BDSM is-
------------------------------

The problem is that sexual needs and channels of fulfillment for
mankind are so diverse and morals are so segmented that what a single couple find to be sexually exciting and/or fulfilling
might not be the same as any other couple on the face of the
earth find it to be. So how can we define BDSM or even "Kinky" if everyone has a different, built in, definition? We can't really. What we can do is define a general all encompassing term that will give the average person some idea what we are talking about.

-----------------------------

A person who is a BDSMer is one who is simply pursues fulfillment in life through BD, DS and or SM. It is when you drill down into the more defined understanding of each of these; Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submissiveness, Sadism and Masochism, that you begin to identify further with what makes a person a BSDMer.

It is interesting to note that BD, DS and SM in the purest sense are not sexual in origin. Saying this another way, there is nothing sexual about having your hands tied behind your back, unless for some reason you find "Pleasure" in it. Since we are dicussing what makes a person a BDSMer, we are really asking (for the sake of explanation only I use the term normal) what is the difference between a normal person and a BDSMer? The answer is probably not any clearer than this; a normal person finds no pleasure in the tieng of their hands behind their back, but a person who does find pleasure from bondage is a BDSMer. A normal person finds no pleasure in inflicting pain upon another person, but a sadist BDSMer would. You can say this categoricly(sp) for each of the 6 (Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submissiveness, Sadism and Masochism). If a person finds pleasure from any of these activities, they are seen by "normal" society to be broken, messed up, or not normal, however this is not true. First off we could debate what is normal forever and never come to an agreement, but instead I would like to offer another way to view this. The fact that a person recieves pleasure from their hands being tied behind their back does not mean they are broken, or messed up, it means they are processing stimuli in a different way than someone else. As an example of this, a blind person processes stimuli differently that a person who can see. A person who looks at the sun processes that image, whereas the blind person turns their face to the sun and processes the warmth it gives off. This might not be the best example, but I think it is good enough for the average person to see that it is possible for two people to process stimuli in a different way. Niether is any better or worse than the other, and for "each" person it is normal to them. Who am I to tell a blind person they are not normal for thinking of warmth when they think of the sun? Who am I to tell a person they are not normal when they feel pleasure when their hands are bound behind their back? I may not be able to fully understand how or why, but that does not mean I need to be judgemental towards them.

So taking this a step further it is interesting to note that BD, DS and SM in the purest sense are not sexual to some people, but to a person who derives pleasure from them, these become an expression or form of "sexuality". What provides the cynergy of BDSM with sex is the addition of Sexuality or pleasure often refered to as Kinks and Fetishes.

"enters stage left" Kinks and Fetishes. Kinks and Fetishes do not neccessarily fit under any one particular area of BD, DS or SM, but they are shared and practiced equally in some ways, amongest all three areas. They are all heaped under this one unbrella of BDSM, because they all, in some way share the definition or have been labeled as; "Something, that would not normally bring pleasure." For example a "normal" person would not find any pleasure stimuli looking a pair of feet, however to some, a pair of feet in high-heels with painted toenails, will send them close to orgasm just by being close to the feet and staring at them. Again, perception and processing stimuli in a different way.

Now a little about Community and I am done

I think what is equally important for a person to be a BDSMer, is to accept identification of the term to describe what they do or who they are. MEANING, that power exchanges happen in a vanilla marraige all the time, but they would not accept, nor appreciate being associated or identified as a BDSMer.

This is where we get into "who" is a part of the BDSM "community".

If you accept my previous concept on what makes a person a BDSMer, then you accept the sexuality of it as well. Sexuality is a huge part of who we are as human beings. Human beings who share common interests or share similar adversities will often form a community, because community provides many things to the individual.

It provides a feeling of normalicy. Since society as a whole thinks BDSMers are not normal, it is not any wonder that BDSMer come together in numbers to form their own community.

It provides opportunity to form relationships. Since BDSM is sexual, there is a need to find compatibility in others that desire or give, what you need or offer.

I am part of the community because

I desire to be identified as a BDSMer and there are things which I derive pleasure from BD, DS and SM, which society deems "not normal". I enjoy expressing my sexuality in these, "not so normal activities". I enjoy meeting others who are like minded. What makes me proud to be part of the BDSM community is being counted as a friend among many of the people I have come to respect. The profound wisdom, love and experiences they have brought to my life have made me a better person, and allowed me to experience some of that fulfillment we have been talking about.

I have not been in the community for too long, but I do see how it has changed or where it is evolving to. I think in the earlier days, very strict definitions were put into place to some degree in order to establish common ground. Exact terms, methods and practices were adhere to, in order to ensure people brought into the community shared the same mindset. As things have evolved, people see less of a need to do this, and encourage open mindedness and "do your own thing mentality". And though this may at times bring confusion into the community, I think it is a welcomed shift. However, I do think there is a need to apprecaite and hang onto definitions, titles and their meanings in order to be able to communicate effectively with each other. It is great to encourage individuality, as long as we do not become so individualize that we cease to be a community.

Good luck on your assignment

 

[Krinaia]

Interesting.... though I did not need the definitions Been doing research for this paper for two years... isn't my professor lucky.

Anyhow.

Here's a weird question I'll through out - is BDSM a hobby? Now don't take me literal, but think about it... or is that comparison silly, it's a way of life?


Here's another observation I'd like to serve up for conversation: A lot of bdsmers think that their relationship have better communication bonds then those of vanilla people - almost to a point where they pity someone who is "vanilla". Why do you think this happens and do you think it's true - do you think I'm overstating it, understating it?

 

[AngelicAssassin]

A lot of bdsmers think that their relationship have better communication bonds then those of vanilla people - almost to a point where they pity someone who is "vanilla". Why do you think this happens and do you think it's true - do you think I'm overstating it, understating it?

Understating.

Think extreme play.

In a 'nilla relationship, a new couple can afford "ow" and miscommunication the first few times they're together and playing a bit rough much like a 16 year old learning to drive a stickshift.

If a pyl pulls that stunt in a BDSM scene, the PYL better be an omniscient clairvoyant. Someone will more than likely get the "bad pain," or worse.

 

[Quint]

Understating.

Think extreme play.

In a 'nilla relationship, a new couple can afford "ow" and miscommunication the first few times they're together and playing a bit rough much like a 16 year old learning to drive a stickshift.

If a pyl pulls that stunt in a BDSM scene, the PYL better be an omniscient clairvoyant. Someone will more than likely get the "bad pain," or worse.

Errr, that just means that BDSM-inclined couples *need* communication. Doesn't mean they *have* it any better than a healthy nilla couple. I personally think a healthy relationship is a healthy relationship. Talking needs to be done regardless of if someone is pushing a set of needles through your flesh. I get that in most non-kinked relationships, a person's expendable blood isn't on the line...but as far as emotional completeness and satisfaction as derived from honesty, trust, and open communication is concerned, I don't think leather has sole bragging rights. And it irritates the bejeezus out of me when we act like we do.

 

[shy slave]

Sky why do you insist on making me think lol

I feel a part of this community because, as Netzach says, want to be.

I want to be 'out.'

I want BDSM to be viewed as normal as any other type of relationship.

In UK we are great ones for (alledgedly) not wanting to know private details about others, we can gossip but some things are taboo.

There is a saying over here that 'you never know what goes on when the door closes' meaning that normal people may only be normal to each other and/or behind every front door anything can happen but you put on a normal face to the outside world.

it is this taboo that makes sex toys/wear/shops a giggle and 'naughty.' Therefore making any fetich seem extreme and 'wrong.'

This is the only BDSM I feel comfortable in and that is due to the diversity of people who come to the boards.

Master and I went to a munch that is local to where I live.

It was dreadful, I would not want to be associated in any way with them.

They meet 1x per month in a vanilla pub, wearing fetish gear. They are lewd, crude and disrespectful of any vanilla person who strays into that part of the pub.

The ladies loo is in that part ~ imagine having to pass 40+ people in fetish gear just to have a wee!

They think nothing of sharing others subs and seem to have abandoned good manners. We were asked if we swing (we don't) and a Domme was blatent in her wish to tame me. I have to say that I was not shy at that point, more Domme than was polite, but i do not submit to any old whore!!

If anyone were to ask me i would not associate myself with that community.

Time and again I see similarities to this lifestyle and vanilla. Communication, calculating risk, consent are not exclusive to this lifestyle. Nor is liberal mindedness.

It was not that long ago when on-line relationships in this lifestyle were not deemed to be 'proper.' Hopefully we are past that.

Like any community Lit changes but people do not.

Join a fitness club and feel a part of its community, join another and feel alone.

It may be that its the people that make it a community not the environment or particular interest the community shares.

 

[Netzach]

Here's another observation I'd like to serve up for conversation: A lot of bdsmers think that their relationship have better communication bonds then those of vanilla people - almost to a point where they pity someone who is "vanilla". Why do you think this happens and do you think it's true - do you think I'm overstating it, understating it?

I think it happens because a lot of people realize an interest in SM while in a waning and unfulfilling relationship with someone not into it, but the relationship has other problems as well, unrelated to sex and it ends anyway.

Those people then go on to equate "vanilla" with the crappy aspects of that relationship and "BDSM" with the good aspects of subsequent relationships.

Few people leave an otherwise happy relationship purely over the SM issue.

And most people think that what's better for them is just better period.

I tend to disagree and I still think the world of my vanilla ex and I don't think the relationship I have now is deeper or more intense, just where I need to be instead.

 

[ownedsubgal]

though i post here and visit other BDSM oriented websites, my Master and i do not consider ourselves part of the "bdsm community". we do not call ourselves bdsm'ers. we live a D/s lifestyle, yes, but to us, the "D&S" in bdsm, has nothing whatever to do with the D/s lifestyle as we know and live it. bdsm for us is more about sexuality, where D/s is one's overall personality and the open expression/acceptance of it. when i think "bdsm community", i think of the leather community, i think of those who find bondage and spanking to be orgasmic experiences. i think of dungeons and scenes. i think of boot-licking male "slaves" at the feet of their "mistress". i don't think of Dominance, of submission, of the natural order of things in the world or within a relationship.

 

[DVS]

DISCLAIMER:
I don't know if I understand this project completely, but I've attempted this, anyway. If something needs clarification, just let me know. My posts sometimes do need clarification, even if I understand things completely, so why would this be any different?

My version of BDSM is pretty much the same as some other's. It's power. I have power over my partner with BDSM. I have control over her. Of course, that's why I'm called a dominant, and she is the submissive. I'm in charge (although, ultimately, she is, in a true trusting relationship).

I'm in charge and control what she feels, and for how long she feels it. With time and experience, thats something you get very good at. I enjoy bondage because it works will with my enjoyment of power and control. When her naked body is bound and vulnerable, I can take her to levels of orgasm she can't achieve on her own.

Yes, I could maybe do the same thing without bondage, but there are times when she would not want to continue, and if she's bound, she has no choice. That is part of the power and control. It wouldn't be the same for me, if she wasn't bound. For me, the B&D is necessary. And, it is for her, too. It can enhance the psycological aspect of it.

A partnership of trust is also necessary, or you can't relax and enjoy. A trusting relationship is the basis of it all. The more she trusts me, the further I can take her. The more she understands that I won't actually hurt her, the more she allows me to force any given situation.

Sadism in an SS&C relationship isn't true sadism. A true sadist has no reguard for his masochist. Actually, it's much better if the sadist and masochist are complete strangers. So, when someone says he/she's a sadist, they're really telling you they love to inflict pain, and probably lots of it.

And, if someone tells you he/she's a masochist, they are telling you they enjoy receiving lots of pain. But, when it comes down to it, these people know the limits of their partners and stick to them. A true sadist wouldn't do that. Not that SS&C S&M isn't extreme, because it very well can be. Because the partners are matched, it can get extreme and still be within designated limits.

I'm not a sadist, but to a point I do enjoy envlicting lots of pain. I guess you could better call me a conesure, perhaps. I like to see a woman in pain, but only if she enjoys receiving it. I like to inflict pain, too. But, I don't like blood, needles or knives. That's why I'm not a sadist in the strictest meaning of the word.

I'm close to a sadist when it comes to mental torment and control. Sensory manipulation is a very large part of what I like. I create the extreme in my victim's mind. This extreme is then compounded by the actual, such as anal torment or electrical play. But, I'm picky on how much pain and electricity is applied and where.

I don't like to over do it. I go just as far as necessary. The control I have over the victim's mind will take care of the rest. If I've done my part well, she feels more than there actually is. Maybe I'm a specialist, then? Or like I said, maybe I'm just picky, I don't know.

The female ass is my big turn on. Everything else (and I do mean everything) comes in a distant second place. Bondage allows me to tie my victim in distinctive lewd positions for fun. Not only is she unable to move, she is kept in such a position that her ass is a very lewd target.

My satisfaction is gained by causing her climax. The more climaxes I can cause in a certain period of time, the more I feel I've succeeded. That "rode hard and put up wet" condition is what I always strive for.

Anyhow.

Here's a weird question I'll through out - is BDSM a hobby? Now don't take me literal, but think about it... or is that comparison silly, it's a way of life?

It's a way of life. It might seem like a hobby, because of the way many of us participate in it, but a hobby is a past time. I think most BDSMers get into it deeper than that. At least I do. It's sex for me. Could sex ever be a past time?

Here's another observation I'd like to serve up for conversation: A lot of bdsmers think that their relationship have better communication bonds then those of vanilla people - almost to a point where they pity someone who is "vanilla". Why do you think this happens and do you think it's true - do you think I'm overstating it, understating it?

From the beginning, I think everybody has a certain level of understanding and awareness, and we don't know anything other than that. And, within that understanding, we don't know anything other than our own reality. We all experience things as "normal".

But, once we've experienced BDSM, sex in the "normal" way, seems less than enough. It's kind of like someone who has never known any position other than the missionary position, then someone shows them doggie style. They then know more about the experience.

But, do the vanilla people know what we think they are missing, by not trying BDSM? Maybe not. Not everybody is wired the same way. Not everybody would enjoy BDSM. I'm sure there are some who like the missionary position, and are perfectly happy with it, and only it.

Now, we who have gone beyond this position might feel we have gone beyond those people. But, do they feel we have? I really don't think so. Happiness is relative.

There will always be those who find out about things late in life and wonder why they didn't find out sooner. And, I'm sure there are some who will never find out, although they would enjoy it, if they did. That's just how things are.

But, there are always going to be those who think we are strange and different and unusual, to say the least. Those people are sincerely happy with their simple sex lives and will never understand or even want to.

 

[FungiUg]

Originally posted by Netzach
Even if I didn't have a bottom to do mean and fun things to right now, I would be in the community.

I think that's the crux of it.

For myself, I am happy to be part of the online BDSM community. In real life, I am only loosely involved with the Auckland BDSM community. I think of myself as a D/s'er, and only nominally a BDSM'er.

Originally posted by SkylineBlue
Is BDSM a hobby?

For me, it is. It's not a lifestyle for me. It's something I enjoy exploring, talking about, doing in some free time, and when I have an appropriate partner.

 

[rakastuja]

Here's a weird question I'll through out - is BDSM a hobby? Now don't take me literal, but think about it... or is that comparison silly, it's a way of life?

Can be either. For some people their hobby is their way of life. I dont think that BDSM itself can be defined strictly as either.

I talk about now my personal experience but I met some of the most open-minded people in BDSM area. But I also have lots of 'fanatics' who are even worse classifiers than those who have no idea what BDSM is. Some say 'you are not really into BDSM' unless its your lifestyle, if you use safe word, if you have normal life outside scenes, if you dont do this or that practise etc.

I guess inside BDSM community there's lots of division who belong to community but for vanilla people everyone who do anything kinky are BDSM persons.

(I wouldnt btw include all fetishes to BDSM)

 

[Krinaia]

(I wouldnt btw include all fetishes to BDSM)

Niether would I (nor do I think I said that)... but certain fetishists do find enough things in common with the BDSM community to feel a part of it.

Oh well.