What is poly?

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

I was having a casual conversation recently with someone who asked me, how do you know you're not poly?

Well, I guess I don't know. I have never considered myself as such, and I'm honestly not even sure what it is. For instance, are there feelings involved in a poly relationship? Or just bodies? And please don't respond with... Are there feelings involved in an exclusive relationship, or just bodies?... Because I'm not comparing the two. What I mean is, what are the hallmarks of poly? Is it a relationship based arrangement, or a sexually based arrangement? Or can it be either?

I'm also curious about how feelings may work for others in an ongoing poly relationship. For example, I have had sexual relationships with women, but I never develop the deep seated romantic feelings for women that I do for men. Does anyone have an opinion on how a FMF type relationship might pan out if one person (say, me ) never develops romantic feelings for another (the other woman in the relationship)? Again, not interested in hearing about exclusive relationships. I am inquiring solely into the dynamics of three, or I suppose even more people.

Same question for a MFM relationship. Do we, as humans, tend towards competition and favoritism? What are the common downfalls you have seen for poly arrangements?

I do like multiple partners at times, as long as there is an understanding of intent. I.e., I don't really care for meaningless sex. So I am just wondering what poly is all about.

Thanks

 

[anthilly]

Ive also always been very curious about this. If often wondered if incould describe myself as such, but my understanding is more based on my experiences with monogmay and how I view love and lust.

 

[Endless_Night]

Awesome! I'm also very interested in poly. My SO and I discussed the possibility, and decided to proceed a while back, but I find myself hesitant. It's the potential emotional complications I find worrisome. I've never maintained more than one "love" relationship at a time and, being a little shy sexually, have not had much experience with noncommited sex.

Is it difficult to juggle multiple partners on an emotional level?

 

[katalynn]

I know a few people that are in poly relationships. One dude I know has a household of three females all living under one roof. They all have an emotional attachment with eachother, each one has their own day they get to spend with him. Each one has a part of household duties.

Another dude that I know sees his other chick on weekends, is married to the other one. With my experience of knowing these people and other examples, they all have the emotional attachments connected to the relationship. All are happy, sure there is drama, but every relationship has drama from time to time.

The one with just bodies and no emotional connection, to my knowledge, is just a swingers thing. I know a few people that do that as well, they go to some club that has swingers night and do whatever it is they do.

I haven't known to many poly relationships w/out the emotional side. Unless, the partners are training the other person, then there might not be over extent in emotions. Some are married, others have had collar ceremonies with each person in the relationship. So, yea. If it's an actual relationship, a household, there's a lot of emotional attachment and they all take care of each other.

But, this is just from the people that I know that are in poly relationships.

 

[seela]

We have what we call a "monopoly" relationship. I'm mono, he's poly, but I've always figured that in a way his poly thing makes me poly as well.

We've had an open relationship from the beginning, but I haven't been very interested in other people. Save for two people, I haven't met anybody during our 7.5 years together that I would have found so interesting that I would have wanted to have sex with them or been attracted to them on an emotional level. He's ok with me having other people in my life as well, but it's just never been my thing.

He has had other people every now and again all through our relationship. In the beginning I really struggled with the idea. The other women were just names and I knew next to nothing about them, but that didn't stop me trying to compare myself to them. At first it wasn't so much of an issue, because we were supposed to be a casual summer fling as well, but as we got more serious, I started to feel weird about our relationship dynamic and his other partners as well.

He met someone he started to develop feelings for, and that's when he also introduced her to me. Once I got to know her, the whole thing got easier to me as well. She wasn't some faceless person that I could imagine being oh, so perfect and better than me in every way. We became friends as well and sometimes we'd hang out all three of us, never had sex or even anything close to it though. I could have seen us doing sex things together as well, but for some reason it just never got there. Eventually she met someone and broke things off with J. All of us still remained friends despite the break up. Since her J hasn't been interested in having other women besides me.

To me it was a blessing that he developed the feelings toward her, because that's the point when the whole poly thing started to make some sense to me. The other women somehow seemed so random and the little relationships seemed to evaporate as easily as they had begun. I just couldn't understand what the point was. So much work for what looked like very little gain.

Sooo... My post doesn't really relate to the OP that much, except for maybe as an example of how an FMF poly thing might work without any romantic relationship between the Fs. There's an excellent thread in the Cafe about poly relationship. I think it was started by nh23. I'll see if I can find it for you.

ETA: Here's the thread I mentioned: Polyamory

 

[katalynn]

Now that I think about it, there's actually quite a number of people I know that are in poly. lol.

Like Seela said though, some can happen without the sex part of all partners together. Like my two examples, the females are not sexually involved with each other.

But, I know other relationships where all the partners are sexually involved also.

My first example, with the dude that has three chicks, one of them is mono but still shares him with the other two.

Just depends on the dynamic of what you want the relationship to be.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I was having a casual conversation recently with someone who asked me, how do you know you're not poly?

Well, I guess I don't know. I have never considered myself as such, and I'm honestly not even sure what it is. For instance, are there feelings involved in a poly relationship? Or just bodies? And please don't respond with... Are there feelings involved in an exclusive relationship, or just bodies?... Because I'm not comparing the two. What I mean is, what are the hallmarks of poly? Is it a relationship based arrangement, or a sexually based arrangement? Or can it be either?

I'm also curious about how feelings may work for others in an ongoing poly relationship. For example, I have had sexual relationships with women, but I never develop the deep seated romantic feelings for women that I do for men. Does anyone have an opinion on how a FMF type relationship might pan out if one person (say, me ) never develops romantic feelings for another (the other woman in the relationship)? Again, not interested in hearing about exclusive relationships. I am inquiring solely into the dynamics of three, or I suppose even more people.

Same question for a MFM relationship. Do we, as humans, tend towards competition and favoritism? What are the common downfalls you have seen for poly arrangements?

I do like multiple partners at times, as long as there is an understanding of intent. I.e., I don't really care for meaningless sex. So I am just wondering what poly is all about.

Thanks

I think the term poly is mostly used when talking about people who have or are able to have multiple relationships with some emotional involvement.

Some live together as a group where everyone is involved with each other and others have multiple partners who are aware of each other but don't interact. Still others do something in between.

Some keep one relationship primary and others let things evolve.

In my experience a common downfall is that while the heart may have unlimited space, the calendar doesn't.
It can also get more complicated as the amount of inlaws and the need for prioritizing rises.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I was having a casual conversation recently with someone who asked me, how do you know you're not poly?

Well, I guess I don't know. I have never considered myself as such, and I'm honestly not even sure what it is. For instance, are there feelings involved in a poly relationship? Or just bodies? And please don't respond with... Are there feelings involved in an exclusive relationship, or just bodies?... Because I'm not comparing the two. What I mean is, what are the hallmarks of poly? Is it a relationship based arrangement, or a sexually based arrangement? Or can it be either?

Short answer: it can be either, although some will argue if you use "polyamory" for a just-bodies relationship.

Longer answer:

All those forms of relationship exist. There are people who have "romantic" type relationships with more than one partner. There are also others who have purely physical relationships, and some that are in between, "friends with benefits" type thing. And some drift between those - if you're not working to a "only one lover" rule, there may not be as much need to figure out who is and isn't a lover.

As to what they're called: some people use "polyamory" broadly to encompass any sort of sexual-and/or-romantic consensual nonmonogamy. Others use it more narrowly to mean only "love" relationships (however defined) and exclude pure-physical stuff: "that's not polyamory, that's just swinging".

Just to be difficult, some "swingers" do have emotional relationships as well as physical ones. I think in some cases the choice of labels is driven more by social affiliations than by how the relationships work. I also suspect there's some respectability politics going on: "hey, maybe if we trash those dirty swingers who are just in it for the sex, mainstream society will be more accepting of our version of nonmonogamy!"

I'm also curious about how feelings may work for others in an ongoing poly relationship. For example, I have had sexual relationships with women, but I never develop the deep seated romantic feelings for women that I do for men. Does anyone have an opinion on how a FMF type relationship might pan out if one person (say, me ) never develops romantic feelings for another (the other woman in the relationship)? Again, not interested in hearing about exclusive relationships. I am inquiring solely into the dynamics of three, or I suppose even more people.

Same question for a MFM relationship. Do we, as humans, tend towards competition and favoritism? What are the common downfalls you have seen for poly arrangements?

IME, poly relationships don't often work out like the porn version where everybody falls into bed together and they all fuck one another (except maybe the guys don't fuck each other because that would be gay).

A three-person relationship can be either a "triad" (all three attracted to one another) or a "V" (what it looks like; the person in the middle is sometimes referred to as the "hinge"). In my experience, which may not be representative, Vs are more common than triads; even when I was in a triad, we tended to relate more as three couples than as one triple, if that makes sense. Sounds like what you're talking about is a FMF V, which is fairly common.

And then there are N-shaped relationships, and A-shaped, and...

As to common downfalls for poly relationships: a lot of the biggest ones are the same things as in monogamy. Mismatched priorities, bad communication, etc etc.

People who go into poly because they don't have the relationship skills to deal with monogamy are likely to get an unpleasant surprise. I sometimes hear folk talking about polyamory as meaning "not having to choose" but my experience has been that poly requires MORE choices, more often.

Some stuff that's particularly relevant to poly:

- In monogamy you can get away with not discussing some things with your partner, because society has given you a bunch of default expectations - e.g. in most situations it's expected that commitments to your partner would come ahead of commitments to others. In polyamory, you can't rely as much on defaults. If one partner is expecting "only sleep with our friends" poly and the other is expecting "don't sleep with my friends" poly, things can go horribly wrong...

- In a V relationship or similar, you need to be really careful about how the person in the middle handles situations where they need to choose between partners (time, special occasions, etc etc). Unfortunately the default tends to be "choose whoever will be most vocal about it if disappointed" and this goes horribly wrong when the people on the ends of the V have different communication styles.

- If you're not out to the world as poly, you may need to deal with the insecurities and tensions that come with being in a closeted relationship. It's easy for jealousies to arise when you can see your partner acknowledging their other sweetie in public but not you.

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

Thank you all for excellent answers. I'm sorry not to quote individually, but as I am on a phone right now...

So this has given me a decent grip on the fundamentals, which naturally raises more questions In a monogamous relationship, the way I have made things work in the past is as follows. I work at keeping my partner happy, and my partner works at keeping me happy. Once one or the other becomes selfish and forgets that and has only their own happiness in mind, the relationship begins to deteriorate.

Considering a triad, I just don't know how to make my philosophy work. How does everyone work to keep everyone happy, without losing the balancing point? Is it reasonable to assume that each person can make the other two happy? Or that two people can pair up to make the third person happy? That seems rather prescribed, though we think nothing of the expectations of a monogamous couple in keeping each other happy. It seems almost exponentially more complicated than a monogamous relationship, however. I appreciate the comment, some things are easier and some things are harder, but what about emotional and romantic links and support in particular? Can anyone talk about their experience with this?

 

[Bramblethorn]

So this has given me a decent grip on the fundamentals, which naturally raises more questions In a monogamous relationship, the way I have made things work in the past is as follows. I work at keeping my partner happy, and my partner works at keeping me happy. Once one or the other becomes selfish and forgets that and has only their own happiness in mind, the relationship begins to deteriorate.

Considering a triad, I just don't know how to make my philosophy work. How does everyone work to keep everyone happy, without losing the balancing point? Is it reasonable to assume that each person can make the other two happy? Or that two people can pair up to make the third person happy? That seems rather prescribed, though we think nothing of the expectations of a monogamous couple in keeping each other happy. It seems almost exponentially more complicated than a monogamous relationship, however. I appreciate the comment, some things are easier and some things are harder, but what about emotional and romantic links and support in particular? Can anyone talk about their experience with this?

That's a very good question.

One of the most popular books about poly is Easton & Liszt's "The Ethical Slut". E&L are very big on the idea of "owning your emotions" - i.e. that each person is ultimately responsible for their own happiness, that you shouldn't blame others for the way you feel.

My reaction to that is along the lines of "well if we all had supreme power over our own happiness, why would any of us bother having relationships at all? Why not just decide to be happy on our own, and save all the trouble of looking for a partner etc etc?" I expect people in my life to be considerate of my feelings and I try to do the same for them.

But I do think there's some truth in it - while I have a lot of power to affect my partners' happiness, it's not completely in my control, and vice versa. Even in a monogamous context, it's not always possible to make somebody happy, especially if they're not doing adequate self-care.

In poly relationships, I think it's important to accept that you don't have complete control over your partners' happiness, and also to take a lot of responsibility for your own. That doesn't mean becoming a self-centered hermit. It's more about being honest with myself about what I need to make myself happy, including the things I'm looking for from others, and communicating that to them as well as asking what they need from me. Then trying to make that happen - or saying "I can't give you what you need from me, we need to work out something different".

So for instance, if I haven't heard from my long-distance sweetie for a while, rather than feeling unloved, I need to take responsibility for saying "hey there, I've been missing you, can I get a hug?"

(At least, that's the theory; I'm human and even after many years I still screw it up now and then.)

Recently I had to tell my partner that I was sad about things beyond her control - it's been a really difficult year for me - and I was probably going to be down for a long time yet, but I appreciated how loving and supportive she'd been and she was already doing everything for me that I'd ask of her. Because she is very much a "try to fix it" person, and I didn't want her feeling like she'd failed because I was sad about things that really aren't in her power to change.

It doesn't mean we can't do spontaneous stuff, trying to make one another happy - that's still a really important part of the relationship/s! But the emphasis does shift a bit towards "asking" rather than "offering". If that makes sense?

With triads, just because the relationship diagram looks symmetrical doesn't mean the relationship will be. It's pretty normal that not all the two-person relationships will be equally strong and involved, and sometimes it can feel a bit like a T - a third person in a relationship with a couple, rather than three overlapping pairs.

 

[anthilly]

Wow, great explanations. Im in a mongomous relationship right now, and we fight like cats and dogs, but I can handle that. My biggest feeling of regret is that she is very I only love one person and thats all I have room for, she says if feelings go away its not love and im opposite saying that I can love many different people at the same time, I relize each love is separate and unique. Ive just always confused a poly relationship with an open one. Thank you for the insight.

 

[Endless_Night]

<We have what we call a "monopoly" relationship. I'm mono, he's poly, but I've always figured that in a way his poly thing makes me poly as well.

Sooo... My post doesn't really relate to the OP that much, except for maybe as an example of how an FMF poly thing might work without any romantic relationship between the Fs. There's an excellent thread in the Cafe about poly relationship. I think it was started by nh23. I'll see if I can find it for you.

ETA: Here's the thread I mentioned: Polyamory

<Snipped and clipped for space. >

It may not have answered Collar’s post directly, but I certainly found it helpful. Our situation is somewhat similar. My SO isn’t really interested in poly, but is willing to open up the relationship to meet my D/s interests. We’re happy, except for that one itch, and the maintenance of our relationship has to remain primary. My biggest concerns are his comfort level, and handling my own potential emotional flux when adding a play partner. Ideally, we’d like nothing to change in our relationship, but that seems…unrealistic.

This ^ thread was excellent reading. (I stayed up late reading all 22(?) pages.) It didn’t allay my concerns, but it gave me a broader base of information to work from. For one, we definitely need more discussion on what “open” looks like, and how we’ll handle potential issues.

The discussion of differences between open, swinging, wife-sharing, and poly was enlightening. I suspect what we’re really interested in is opening up the relationship, rather than poly, though knowing where the opening will lead is difficult to say. Two of the main couples on the thread started out mono, went to poly, then back to mono, one moving on from their original partner. This is, I think, my big worry, that the introduction of a third party will alter our dynamics to a point where our relationship is no longer viable.

< A three-person relationship can be either a "triad" (all three attracted to one another) or a "V" (what it looks like; the person in the middle is sometimes referred to as the "hinge"). In my experience, which may not be representative, Vs are more common than triads; even when I was in a triad, we tended to relate more as three couples than as one triple, if that makes sense. Sounds like what you're talking about is a FMF V, which is fairly common.

And then there are N-shaped relationships, and A-shaped, and...

As to common downfalls for poly relationships: a lot of the biggest ones are the same things as in monogamy. Mismatched priorities, bad communication, etc etc.

People who go into poly because they don't have the relationship skills to deal with monogamy are likely to get an unpleasant surprise. I sometimes hear folk talking about polyamory as meaning "not having to choose" but my experience has been that poly requires MORE choices, more often. >

< Also clipped.>

This ^ was also very eye opening. I’m aware different relationship patterns but have never thought through the emotional ramifications. The lettering system really allows for visualization. We defiantly need to do more thinking on how we want our “open” to look.

Your points on communication are well taken. We've been together long enough to take some things for granted, probably a danger point in this situation.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

You've had a lot of great responses, so I dn't really have anything to add. I will give you a couple more examples, though

A good friend of mine is in a "V" poly MFM scenario, my friend being the F and the "hinge". Her husband is her main priority(and her other partner has had that clear to him from day one), but she spends plenty of time with him as well. He is also friends with her husband, but (far as I know) there have been no threesome shenanigans. At the time they began their relationship, her non-married partner was also married. That marriage failed and they divorced shortly after he began seeing my friend (although from what I was told, the divorce was going to happen regardless). Their relationships are going along swimmingly at this point in time.

My other "Example" is more just my opinion and my partner's experiences. Like many sexuality questions, I've always been fairly ambivalent. My primary concern with poly (for me) is that I have a low self-esteem and could see myself being very jealous/clingy/etc... Philosophically, I think it makes sense and don't see any problem with it. My partner has a very similar mindset and actually attempted to be part of a MFM relationship (before we were together). Did not go well.The girl didn't really handle things well, her primary partner (mono) didn't accept it, and my partner felt both cast aside AND jealous. As things stand now, he would say he's philosophically poly, but doesn't think he could "Share" me and feels more monoamorous in biological wiring.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Wow, great explanations. Im in a mongomous relationship right now, and we fight like cats and dogs, but I can handle that. My biggest feeling of regret is that she is very I only love one person and thats all I have room for, she says if feelings go away its not love and im opposite saying that I can love many different people at the same time, I relize each love is separate and unique. Ive just always confused a poly relationship with an open one. Thank you for the insight.

Some poly relationships are open, but not all - e.g. you might have a three- or four-person relationship where people have two or three lovers, but it's not "open" in the sense that they don't have carte blanche to go out and find another one. This can be for emotional reasons, or as a strategy for protection against sexually-transmitted infection (though screening + barriers can also work very well).

As to whether all open relationships are polyamorous, that depends on how broadly you define polyamory, as per my first comment here.

 

[Endless_Night]

This thread set me thinking about my childhood. One side of my family is uber conservative, the other…well, not. As an adolescent and young adult I saw a lot of, what the participants called, “Free Love”. Invariably, when a relationship turned rocky, one of the parties would use sex with another partner as a weapon to hurt the party they were unhappy with. (Yeah, confusing, but I couldn’t figure out how to word it better.) This was never openly acknowledged. The hurter always justified their actions by accusing the hurtee of jealousy, which seemed to shut down all arguments.

It’s been years since I’ve given those experiences more than a passing thought. And sure, I realize I’m talking crazy people in unhealthy relationships, but I’m just starting to realize how much it….colored my perceptions. Sex is such an easy tool to hurt people with. Now that we’re considering opening the relationship I wish I’d even seen just ONE healthy poly relationship. Even though intellectually I’m very pro-poly, I can’t help but suspect there’s a lurking poly=bad irritant somewhere in the back of my brain.

Funny how childhood stuff hangs on. The subconscious is sneaky that way.

Most of the poly people on the board seem to be involved in relationships that were poly from the beginning. Is there anyone with experience to share on transitioning from mono to poly?

 

[ecstaticsub]

Wow...I read through nh3's Polyamory thread. So much has changed for me since I first commented on that thread.

I am still very happily married and I am still with my Dominant. The big change is about 3 years ago he met and fell in love with another submissive. I won't lie and say it was easy for me. She is single and mono. It took a little bit of time to figure out what kind of poly arrangement would work out the best for us. I would say we are still in a state of flux. But all in all everything has worked out okay.

I have fully embraced the concept of compersion. It has been the way for me to stay the happy, upbeat person I've always been.

 

[Hipshot1554]

Thank you all for excellent answers. I'm sorry not to quote individually, but as I am on a phone right now...

So this has given me a decent grip on the fundamentals, which naturally raises more questions In a monogamous relationship, the way I have made things work in the past is as follows. I work at keeping my partner happy, and my partner works at keeping me happy. Once one or the other becomes selfish and forgets that and has only their own happiness in mind, the relationship begins to deteriorate.

Considering a triad, I just don't know how to make my philosophy work. How does everyone work to keep everyone happy, without losing the balancing point? Is it reasonable to assume that each person can make the other two happy? Or that two people can pair up to make the third person happy? That seems rather prescribed, though we think nothing of the expectations of a monogamous couple in keeping each other happy. It seems almost exponentially more complicated than a monogamous relationship, however. I appreciate the comment, some things are easier and some things are harder, but what about emotional and romantic links and support in particular? Can anyone talk about their experience with this?

I surely don't have any expertise in this either. The only people I know that claim to be poly are in open relationships. I have read posts on lit from people that say they are in committed poly situations, but I can't grasp that dynamic. As you said the balance would be hard to maintain, whether mfm, or fmf.

 

[desertslave]

Considering a triad, I just don't know how to make my philosophy work. How does everyone work to keep everyone happy, without losing the balancing point? Is it reasonable to assume that each person can make the other two happy? Or that two people can pair up to make the third person happy? That seems rather prescribed, though we think nothing of the expectations of a monogamous couple in keeping each other happy. It seems almost exponentially more complicated than a monogamous relationship, however. I appreciate the comment, some things are easier and some things are harder, but what about emotional and romantic links and support in particular? Can anyone talk about their experience with this?

I was part of a MMF triad many years ago.

First, I think the notion of "making" someone else happy is erroneous. I strongly believe that one finds happiness within themselves. They can choose people, surroundings, etc that make it better or worse, but ultimately it's up to the individual to create their own happiness.

I can only speak to my relationship but this is how it worked. I was brought in to an existing Mm relationship. The 'm' was actually a bi-switch who enjoyed relationships and control over women. Ta-da, that's where I came in. In the beginning I wasn't aware of Sir's existing relationship, but ours wasn't exactly a romantic relationship anyway. He was my Teacher, and I was learning my way into BDSM. His relationship with his Dom was physical, romantic and all the good stuff. It was because of their caring that Sir was permitted to pursue a relationship with me. Over time I became fully a part of the relationship and, while never a hearts and flowers thing (being "in love") I came to love them both deeply, though in very different ways.

The essential ingredients for a successful poly relationship (I saw several grow and several fall apart during those amazing 6 years) are honesty with yourself and open communication with your partners. The most deadly thing (IMO, of course) is attempting to suck up & deal. It isn't easy, and requires ongoing adjustments; but I think any successful relationship needs a degree of fluidity to flourish..***** changes, needs change, people change.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I was part of a MMF triad many years ago.

First, I think the notion of "making" someone else happy is erroneous. I strongly believe that one finds happiness within themselves. They can choose people, surroundings, etc that make it better or worse, but ultimately it's up to the individual to create their own happiness.

I can only speak to my relationship but this is how it worked. I was brought in to an existing Mm relationship. The 'm' was actually a bi-switch who enjoyed relationships and control over women. Ta-da, that's where I came in. In the beginning I wasn't aware of Sir's existing relationship, but ours wasn't exactly a romantic relationship anyway. He was my Teacher, and I was learning my way into BDSM. His relationship with his Dom was physical, romantic and all the good stuff. It was because of their caring that Sir was permitted to pursue a relationship with me. Over time I became fully a part of the relationship and, while never a hearts and flowers thing (being "in love") I came to love them both deeply, though in very different ways.

The essential ingredients for a successful poly relationship (I saw several grow and several fall apart during those amazing 6 years) are honesty with yourself and open communication with your partners. The most deadly thing (IMO, of course) is attempting to suck up & deal. It isn't easy, and requires ongoing adjustments; but I think any successful relationship needs a degree of fluidity to flourish..***** changes, needs change, people change.

Great points!

 

[ecstaticsub]

I was part of a MMF triad many years ago.

First, I think the notion of "making" someone else happy is erroneous. I strongly believe that one finds happiness within themselves. They can choose people, surroundings, etc that make it better or worse, but ultimately it's up to the individual to create their own happiness.

I can only speak to my relationship but this is how it worked. I was brought in to an existing Mm relationship. The 'm' was actually a bi-switch who enjoyed relationships and control over women. Ta-da, that's where I came in. In the beginning I wasn't aware of Sir's existing relationship, but ours wasn't exactly a romantic relationship anyway. He was my Teacher, and I was learning my way into BDSM. His relationship with his Dom was physical, romantic and all the good stuff. It was because of their caring that Sir was permitted to pursue a relationship with me. Over time I became fully a part of the relationship and, while never a hearts and flowers thing (being "in love") I came to love them both deeply, though in very different ways.

The essential ingredients for a successful poly relationship (I saw several grow and several fall apart during those amazing 6 years) are honesty with yourself and open communication with your partners. The most deadly thing (IMO, of course) is attempting to suck up & deal. It isn't easy, and requires ongoing adjustments; but I think any successful relationship needs a degree of fluidity to flourish..***** changes, needs change, people change.

Is it possible to be fluid with the changes that naturally occur especially in long term relationships without having to "suck up and deal" with some aspects?

I have come to accept some things and change myself to where things that upset me greatly no longer have that effect. However, I've had to do a significant amount of "suck up and deal".

Does being the sub in the relationship make a difference? I personally don't see much of that in the non-BDSM poly relationships that I know of.

Also...I hear it all the time that other people can't make us happy, that we have to make ourselves happy. Maybe I'm not fully evolved but other people do have a extremely significant effect on my happiness or depression. When the people I love are depressed or sad, I am also. When they are distant I am less happy. When they give me attention or I am able to make them happy then I am happy, too. I get satisfaction and joy from my job, from hobbies, from my cat. But my happiness is very much dependent on the people I love.

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

Thank you ES... my feelings exactly about happiness... Yes, I definitely agree that a person has to have their own happiness in their soul first and foremost. You usually cannot make a miserable person happy, they have to do that for themselves as an internal process. I was talking about the dynamics in a relationship, though. If a person isn't interested whatsoever in making the other person, or persons .. happy, they are being selfish and thinking only of their own happiness. This does not work either in a relationship, in my experience. So once you start getting a few different people into the mix I am wondering how that pans out. I was asking specifically about triads, but any other comments or thoughts are welcome too.
In no way do I think that anyone else is solely responsible for my happiness, but I do want them contributing to it...

 

[Bramblethorn]

Is it possible to be fluid with the changes that naturally occur especially in long term relationships without having to "suck up and deal" with some aspects?

I have come to accept some things and change myself to where things that upset me greatly no longer have that effect. However, I've had to do a significant amount of "suck up and deal".

Indeed. I think one of the trickiest things is developing the self-knowledge required to judge when "suck it up and deal" is OK and when you need to make a stand.

Also...I hear it all the time that other people can't make us happy, that we have to make ourselves happy. Maybe I'm not fully evolved but other people do have a extremely significant effect on my happiness or depression. When the people I love are depressed or sad, I am also. When they are distant I am less happy. When they give me attention or I am able to make them happy then I am happy, too. I get satisfaction and joy from my job, from hobbies, from my cat. But my happiness is very much dependent on the people I love.

Me also. If happiness was 100% internal, why would any of us bother having relationships at all?

I think this is one of those situations where the truth is a complicated "sometimes yes, sometimes no" and glib people who claim to have a nice simple all-purpose philosophy are Not Helpful. Yes, it's a good idea to acknowledge that internal stuff is important in our happiness, but it doesn't all come from there.

 

[the captians wench]

Considering a triad, I just don't know how to make my philosophy work. How does everyone work to keep everyone happy, without losing the balancing point? Is it reasonable to assume that each person can make the other two happy? Or that two people can pair up to make the third person happy? That seems rather prescribed, though we think nothing of the expectations of a monogamous couple in keeping each other happy. It seems almost exponentially more complicated than a monogamous relationship, however. I appreciate the comment, some things are easier and some things are harder, but what about emotional and romantic links and support in particular? Can anyone talk about their experience with this?

Poly is kind of like BDSM in that it is different things to different people and some people have very narrow ideas of what it is where others have very broad.

I have well... I'm not sure what to call it honestly. An open ended triad maybe? or a really elaborate FWB arrangement? Anyway, when we met they were a married couple exploring an open marriage. I was a "single" gal in a LDR with a man 3500 miles away, with a few local playmates.

We started with very firm guidelines to how our relationship would work. Their marriage is primary, I would never be as important to him and she is, and neither would anyone else that they saw outside of each other. Originally it was meant to be a very loose friends with sex on the side kind of thing. As it progressed, him and I developed feelings. That complicated things, but one of the "rules" was that "you own your own shit". It's not my job to make anyone happy besides myself, and the same for everyone else involved. I couldn't make her happy if she wasn't, and she couldn't make me happy, and same with him.

Now having said that, we were also always supposed to speak up if we weren't happy. While you have to own your own emotions, you don't have to own them alone. Sure I can't change how you feel, but I might be able to change something to not make it worse, or help you to work your stuff out. This has happened several times through out our relationship.

In dealing with them, I've also discovered that I have the ability to love more than one person at a time, and love them deeply. Jounar will always be the one I consider my soul mate, we relate on a level that goes beyond words. But I also love Mr. and I do love Mrs. She will probably never love me like I do her, and him as well. They will always more important to me, than I am to them, and I can accept that. In fact I respect it. I love them so much that I want their relationship to work. I fret when they have issues, I want to fix it, but their relationship is just that, their's. And while one or both of them may each come to me and vent, ultimately they have to work it out.

Now, again, this is just how it works with us, and many other people would say that it's not a poly relationship it's "pick your label". But it is what it is, and I've given up on defining it.

And I've lost my point.

 

[Endless_Night]

It's odd, I was talking about something similar to this earlier today.

In any long term relationship there are points you have to "suck it up and deal". After all, it's impossible to always be simpatico with a partner. There are always adjustments.

The issue with poly, at least for me, is that it tosses a completely alien component into the relationship ring. When you've been together for a while you know, or at least have a good idea, how you're both going to react when a new stress is introduced. With poly I feel like I'm going in blind. I have no idea how adding a new sex partner into the mix is going to affect either one of us. And since this is my idea I'll feel responsible if it creates any unhappiness.

Which is really intimidating. Particularly as neither of us want to change our dynamics. It seems like such a...roll of the dice.

Scary.

 

[Endless_Night]

And I've lost my point.

Nope. You're ultimately responsible for how you feel. Good point.

If that, indeed, was the one you were trying to make.