What I wrote and why: Tormented by my Muse

[joy_of_cooking]

In the interests of starting more discussions about writing as a craft, I'm starting a thread about one of my stories. Feel free to weigh in, both on the points I raise and anything else you like or feel should be improved. I'm a big boy. I'll take suggestions and constructive criticism on board to hopefully become a better writer.

This is intended to be a discussion about writerly aspects. Don't complain that the story's too short, or you don't like fantasy, or you only read stories written in 2P POV. Please respect the story for what it is.

This is a great idea. Here's a short one of mine:

Tormented by My Muse (750 words)

The story, while allegorical, was largely autobiographical. I was stuck. A beta reader suggested I toss off a quick stroker to clear my mind, which, well, you can read on to see how that worked out. So then I set myself an even more constrained goal: Write the shortest story Lit would accept, and publish by midnight. And thus I produced this:

It was well past midnight when she came, though I was indeed weak and weary, exhausted by the struggle of putting metaphorical pen to digital paper.

This story is quite a bit more intertextual than my others. I also indulged in purpler prose than I think would fit the more everyday tone of my other stories. I still quite like the parallelism here:

She released me. She stood. With one swift kick, she parted my legs. With another, she brought my surging pleasure to a retching halt.

But others I now see as wasted words in a piece already under a tight constraint, e.g.,

The infinitely patient cursor on its field of pristine snow.

How about, "The cursor blinking wordless accusation on my empty screen"? One fewer more but one more double entendre, and the "accusation" hints at the narrator's guilt, projected onto the unfeeling cursor.

And this was a failed experiment in punctuation:

"A genre-savvy. exploration. of racial. dynamics. in the. Loving. Wives. category?" Her crop beat a savage counterpoint to her voice. "The only. people. reading. your. stories. right. handed. are. the. lefties!"

I meant to show the rhythm of her simultaneously beating him, but I think I just made the dialogue harder to read.

"Nice shoes," she shouted over the music. "Want to fuck?"

This was the stroker I set out to write. Five months later, it's finally up, as Her First Foot Boy. And I guess stories beget stories, because a throwaway line near the end of that inspired a whole new story, Snowed in with a Predator. It was my first foray into non-con, although I ended up posting it in Fetish. (And good thing I did!)

Other sequels didn't fare so well:

"Well, that stroker was such a wellspring of ideas. I started a second chapter, Her Big Black Cuck, about a powerfully-built black man tired of being pigeonholed as the bull. It would have been a genre-savvy exploration of the racial dynamics in the Loving Wives category."

This is true too! I do think there's something weird going on with LW's fascination with specifically black bulls. I want to write a story that shows a Black man as whole and human and explicable in terms of cultural and individual differences. But I've come to realize I'm not well enough versed in either Black culture or the LW category to do that topic justice.

I do, however, know something about porn! And I took a couple of sly jabs at some of the worse stories I've read, what with the lube and this bit:

I shuddered, recalling the nightmarish fever dreams that passed for erotica in some parts of the internet. Oh, would that those authors had provided content warnings!

I know content warnings are a controversial topic, but let me tell you, nothing has ever killed my mood faster than finding out 10k words in that I'm reading a noncon under-age snuff story.

Ironically, I didn't provide any content warning for this story, even though I know many readers find femdom triggering. I figure if you see the word "Tormented" in the title and the words "Mistress" and "slave" by the second paragraph, that should be warning enough. So I'm not dogmatic about content warnings.

And of course, there was some shoe stuff, because, hi! My name is Joy and I'm into shoes.

So now over to you lot.

Happy to hear any feedback, especially negative feedback. For my part, I'll promise to respond only with thanks to compliments and criticism alike, unless directly asked a question. Have at it!

 

[StillStunned]

I really want to reply, but my brain is in standby mode from too much work and I can't focus enough to say anything sensible. But I'm happy that you've started this thread! This kind of discussion is great to help us see the thought process of other writers. I found that for my own thread, going back and deliberately thinking about things was a very useful exercise.

 

[StillStunned]

I've read your story, and I really like it. Very vivid.

Some of the imagery is wonderful. This one, for instance:

exhausted by the struggle of putting metaphorical pen to digital paper

The one that you have concerns about:

The infinitely patient cursor on its field of pristine snow.

It works fine in the story. But I think this one let you down:

The window showing the sky lightening to the color of television, tuned to a dead channel.

I know it's a reference to William Gibson, and I understand why you used it, but for me, it breaks the rhythm. You might have been better served with a shorter sentence to end the paragraph.

She released me. She stood. With one swift kick, she parted my legs. With another, she brought my surging pleasure to a retching halt.

And they say declaratory sentences don't work in fiction!

You call this "a failed experiment in punctuation":

"A genre-savvy. exploration. of racial. dynamics. in the. Loving. Wives. category?" Her crop beat a savage counterpoint to her voice. "The only. people. reading. your. stories. right. handed. are. the. lefties!"

I think you're selling yourself short. It's unconventional, and I'm not sure I'd have got it the first time around if I hadn't already read your comment here, but it's very graphic. The problem, I think, is that in the lines before this you say that she strikes you three times with the crop. So then the transition to multiple strokes leaves the reader confused. Perhaps you should have described the additional beating before the dialogue to cue the reader in:

She began striking me again, her crop beating a savage counterpoint to her voice. "A genre-savvy. exploration. of racial. dynamics. in the. Loving. Wives. category?" She paused, then continued. "The only. people. reading. your. stories. right. handed. are. the. lefties!"

This would mess up the word count of course, but that's your problem, not mine.

Ironically, I didn't provide any content warning for this story, even though I know many readers find femdom triggering. I figure if you see the word "Tormented" in the title and the words "Mistress" and "slave" by the second paragraph, that should be warning enough. So I'm not dogmatic about content warnings.

Totally agree. Readers have responsibility for deciding what they click.

Overall verdict: a very enjoyable take on an idea that's probably been around since a little caveperson looked at their grandparent and said, "No Wifi. Bored. Tell story!"

 

[joy_of_cooking]

Thank you for the thoughtful response!