What happens when...

[MissTaken]

It seems a common theme for submissives is that desire to try new things.

What happens when you are in a relationship in which there seems nothing left to try?

What happens between a Dom and sub when the sub's experience far out weighs the Dom's?

I have observed submissives hwo seem challenged to find Dom's and it seems one of the primary issues is finding a Dom who is able to provide new experiences.

What about you subs? After you have been with Him for a period of time, your limits have been met, pressed and there is no further to go, then what?

Does this explain what appears to be a rather bleak prognosis for a BDSM relationship?

Just some random thoughts in the middle of the in night...I will revisit to clarify tomorrow

 

[bunny bondage]

well, i'm in a new relationship with a dom who is far less experienced than me. i find it's difficult to be the one introducing new things, unsure of what He'll think of them. so i agree, it is hard.

 

[P. B. Walker]

This could be said of any sexual relationship, no?

Or any non-sexual relationship for that matter.

I think there are different ways of doing the same acts. There is the working together to make the act better. Practicing. Different places. Different times.

And then what do you do when you exhaust all thos possibilities? Does this mean you are no longer satisfied? Is not being sexual satisfied grounds for leaving someone? Will you ever be satisfied again? If you can't, then maybe looking at a long break from doing those things is the answer. Or maybe leave the lifestyle all together. Refrain from sex all together.

I could never imagine running into this problem myself. But I can understand how it might happen, especially for someone that is really only seeking the thrills of trying new things. I think if you are one of those people, you will have to come to terms with the following fact: there will be a day when nothing is new to you. Then you will need to probably get some kind of counceling to work thru the fact that you must be able to find satisfaction in doing something that is not new.

Just my random thoughts first thing in the morning I'm probably talkin about of my ass. I've actually run into women like this. Never a man, but I'm sure there are men out there like this. I kinda feel sad for people like this, because they are constantly searching for some new thrill. It's like that is their crack cocaine. I think that is the worst thing you can do to sex... turn it into something that you need to thrill seek for. To me, sex is like chocolate. I never get tired of it. To me it's just as thrilling everytime I taste it.

I'm sure alot of couples run into this problem. And I'm sure there is a lot literature on how to deal with this.

PBW

 

[MissTaken]

Well, I like your random thoughts, PBW.

The thread was full of random thoughts.

You make me wonder, though, is the endorphin rush addictive?

Like you, sex and intimacy is never boring, stale or not worth repeating with the right person.

bunny? As is a recurring theme here, I do believe that a more experienced submissive can have a perfectly healthy relationship with a less experienced Dom based on trust, communication and growing together.

Any relationship requires mutual growth.

 

[P. B. Walker]

You make me wonder, though, is the endorphin rush addictive?

Well, that was kinda where my thoughts were headed. That's kinda why I mentioned getting counceling. I have heard of people becoming addict to sex, but I'm not sure if that is an actual diagnosed addiction. To me, an addiction is something that you do so much it impacts your life in a negative way. So, yes, I do believe there are people that have sex so much, or are in the pursuit of sex so much that it very much negatively impacts their lives. Now, can be searching for "new" sex be an addiction. I would tend to say yes. It can negatively impact your relationship in that you are not satisified by regular sex anymore. It must impact your relationships for sure. And, depending on how "new" you want it to be, I'm sure you can get into trouble with the law. Plus, have a negative impact on your work. I think the big killer would be the bad impact on your relationships. So... yeah... I think some people would/and need to get counceling.

PBW

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

I do believe there are people that have sex so much, or are in the pursuit of sex so much that it very much negatively impacts their lives.........So... yeah... I think some people would/and need to get counceling.

PBW

the thrill of the chase overtakes the pleasure of the relationship
once the quarry has been "caught"....game over, man, on to the next one.

~a~

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

hmmpphhh, no way to live, leastways for me LOL

 

[MissTaken]

I do think that htis issue is far more detrimental for those who view relationships and BDSM relationships primarily in terms of sexuality.

I was visiting another site the other day and was surprised at how many posts were devoted to the act, rather than the sentiment or intimacy.

Maybe I am a romantic, but a relationship has to be built on it's own merit and the sex is the expression of affection, rather than the foundation of the relationship.

Well, at least in my own opinion.

A foundation based on sex is fragile and bound to crumble.

 

[MissTaken]

Re: endorphin addiction

They say some fitness buffs are addicted to the physiological rush of a work out or a jog. the addiction is apparent when the activity is engaged in in a manner tha tis detrimental to one's health.

Perhaps there is a line to be drawn between this theory and some practioners of BDSM?

 

[P. B. Walker]

I agree MissT.... the relationship has to be about more than sex and BDSM. To me, BDSM is just another activity that two ppl share, another bond that draws them close. For some it is a necessary thing. Just like sex. For others it is not. Everyone's relationship is different. I think the more "threads" you can create between you and your partner, the stronger the relationship will be. If you just have one thread (for example, sex) it is not going to be a strong relationship.

Uhhhmmm... congrats on the 12,000 posts MissT. Fuck that's alot of posts. What the heck you been doing? Damn woman!



PBW

 

[MissTaken]

Ohh poop!

I didn't realize I wsa at 12 k posts.

What have I been doing?

The first 12 months was fluff and now, fluff is confined to 80 percent of my posts.

So, having fun!

 

[SexyChele]

Interesting question, MissT!

As PB stated - this can happen in BDSM and non-BDSM relationships. I've only had one really long term relationship. (lasted 7+ years, and was not a BDSM relationship) Things change with time, people change. In the beginning of a relationship, everything is new, everything is exciting, and people are far more forgiving of their partners.

As time marches on, you become more familiar with where your partner is, what it takes to get him/her off, and, sadly, become less forgiving of one's partner. (Somtimes, not always!)

Each type of relationship has its ups and downs. If you tried to keep up the intensity of a "new" relationship - where everything is new and different - you wear yourself out and burn yourself out. However, it is intensely exciting. Yet, there is a special comfort that comes from knowing your partner so well that you can time his/her orgasm to the very second. There can be a loss of intensity, but a gaining of comfort.

Now, the big problem, as I see/experienced, it is when a couple gets into the "same old/same old. You get into a set routine, you know what "works" and that's all you do. When I was in this long relationship, the guy was 12 years older than me and felt very comfortable doing things that he knew would "work" and get him off. When I would suggest new things, sometimes he would be open to it, other times he would tell me he had to work in the morning, let's just get off and go to sleep. Other times, he would be just too tired to do anything. I was in my early 20s and he was in his mid-30s at the time, and I can vividly remember those nights listening to him snore away while I was left fuming.

But then, there would be times when he would want to play and something was going on in my life and I just "didn't want to" - although I was much more inclined to go ahead with it, the thought in the back of my mind being, "Sheesh, hurry up and cum already!"

The relationship didn't survive, but we both agreed that, overall, the sexual side of it was better than anyone else. (I soon learned that my "best" was forthcoming!) But I think the important thing is to try to take each other's needs into account, recognize when you need to introduce something new (and there is always room for something new!), and be forgiving when you and your partner just don't "mesh" for a time. This last one was the hardest for me - I remember times when he would want to sleep, and I would be trying all sorts of things to get him going. Trying to get a man "in the mood" when all he wants to do is sleep is totally frustrating! More than once, I would wait until he was sound asleep and then get in my car and go home. Immature? Yes, it was, but I was 24 and didn't understand. I had to grow and understand that because our sexual appetites were not in sync it didn't mean he didn't want me.

I do apologize for this "stream of consciousness" posting, but I would say that as far as keeping things happy between a couple, it takes mutual effort and responsibility. If one parnter feels he/she is "doing it all" frustration sets in and then anger. And I think this is far easier to fall into than a lot of people seem to think! But I also think there are a lot of couples who end up in satisfying relationships that last over time.

Oh, and as for a BDSM encounter: when I was with my first Dom, we didn't "do" BDSM every single time we had sex. We mixed it up, added some elements, took away others, got into very intense play, and at other times it was strictly 'nilla. The variety is what kept it alive and interesting. Trying to "do" BDSM every single time would seem exhausting to me. But then, I do hear people say they want nothing to do with 'nilla sex. Different people need different things.

 

[lilredwolph]

WELCOME TO MY WORLD!

I find myself in the situation as i type, my Dom and myself have been on and off for the better part of the last 15-16 yrs. (8 yrs together 5 yrs apart back together for the past 3 yrs) limits have been pushed, moved and pushed some more, pushed and moved to the point where we hit the "where do we go from here" mode about a year ago. we have struggled and fought to get the "rush" back but it just wasn't working, old things got older. we decided that i needed to be uncollared (for differant reasons) but that when desire became need we would still play together. it is very hard to find somebody that is willing, able or has enough know how to take me where i need to be taken. He has found that the places he goes or even starts are far beyond most subs limits, subs that believe themselves "hardcore pain/humiliation sluts" look at him wide "you want me to do what?" eyed, i get the same reaction from Dom/mes.

switching, adding and removing this or that worked for awhile, but the "rush" has slipped slowly away. we love each other dearly and will most likely stay together in our weird little way for many years to come even without the rush or thrill or for that matter even without BDSM, but when we are together we seem to crave higher levels that we have only ever reached with eachother.

i have no idea where i am going with this at all other than throwing my not so ramdom thoughts out there

 

[Ebonyfire]

Just my random thoughts first thing in the morning I'm probably talkin about of my ass. I've actually run into women like this. Never a man, but I'm sure there are men out there like this. I kinda feel sad for people like this, because they are constantly searching for some new thrill. It's like that is their crack cocaine. I think that is the worst thing you can do to sex... turn it into something that you need to thrill seek for. To me, sex is like chocolate. I never get tired of it. To me it's just as thrilling everytime I taste it.

I can agree with you, PBW. I have seen men who are the same way. It is probably because I deal exclusively with men and I can see the same sort of "restless ardor" for excitement.

I find repetition comforting, mainly because I like to see how I can maximize my experiences with familiar partners.

I find that if I pay attention, I can always find a new slant on the relationship.

Also, I pick my partners for their ability to go the distance, and not their ability to give me an adrenaline rush.

Is thrill seeking bad? I do not think so, but I find that thrilling experiences require constant change and escalation. I prefer that mellow feeling of comfortable surprise that comes from a relationship that has a history and a purpose.

That is what I like, YMMV.

Eb

 

[catalina_francisco]

I can imagine this is a real problem for many, though I do not see it as inevitable. Part of the answer lies in being with the one who you are meant to be with. Added to that I think the magic lies in first, thinking outside the box on a regular basis, and secondly keeping the relationship alive and active on all fronts. I cannot imagine getting to the point of feeling we had gone as far as we can and there is nothing left, mainly because both of us are forever seeking new thoughts and practices, are open to the discussion of anything, and more importantly, as much as I sometimes hate it, he never settles for getting us into a set ritual of doing things and remaining there.

It is normal for him to give me specific orders as to how he wants something done, several things usually, then just as quickly changes it all around again to a new set of orders. It gets a little hard to keep track of at times, especially when the orders change in quick succession, but it does keep the boredom away. My being the curious type, I always ask or at least wonder why he has changed the ballgame which provides mental stimulation for me.

Added to that we take our time working through all the things we want to try at this point in time, adopting a variety of ways to do them, and then building on that. The sky is the limit if you open yourself up to accepting all possibilitiies within the realms of SSC, and forever explore your options instead of accepting all you have done is all there is to do. Even in vanilla relationships over the last 30 years I have always been trying something new, approaching old habits from new angles, and it works....but there is still so much more to explore.

I can understand there are times when energy does make it a little difficult to keep the sparks flowing in the creative stakes, but they pass quick. I have also found things I have done with others are completely different with Master. All I can put it down to is the magic he seems to possess where I am concerned...the lightest touch of a fingertip anywhere on me, even clothed, sends a tingle through ever cell... and his incredible personality and character never ceases to surprise me with the depths and intensity when least expected. Being highly emotional helps us both keep sparks flying too. I know I am blessed.

Catalina

 

[BlueSugar]

I'm a submissive and very knowledgable and want to try so so many things but only "read" about alot of them. I feel like the guy in Outbreak (where he read about flying a helicoptor but never did it etc... its a theme throughout the movie).
anywho, my SO is open minded and "into" what I am, and would like to try more as well ... and we talk about things... ok... I talk about things... and he nods... and I hint s'more.. and he nods... we talk how it interests us and how we should try these things. Even dreams we've had that include all of them. But I just feel odd as the submissive asking him to do these things straight out, I want him to set the scene (with a little bit of my help) and do it on his own... I'm all hinted, suggestive-ed out.
This has gone on for quite a bit of time...
I hope this is some sort of "suprise birthday" type of things. Where I hint and hint that its my birthday and NO ONE acknowledges it ... and at the end of the day I end up happy.

Help?

ps (its not my bday anytime soon)

 

[Guest]

Well, I like your random thoughts, PBW.

The thread was full of random thoughts.

You make me wonder, though, is the endorphin rush addictive?

Like you, sex and intimacy is never boring, stale or not worth repeating with the right person.

bunny? As is a recurring theme here, I do believe that a more experienced submissive can have a perfectly healthy relationship with a less experienced Dom based on trust, communication and growing together.

Any relationship requires mutual growth.

Endorphin Rush?? I dunno - I know that I have always found that play can be addictive - and so can certain people.

 

[esclave_PP]

http://www.sexuality.org/l/bdsm/tamar.html (I found this at http://www.sexuality.org/bdsm.html) I found this article this morning and thought hm this fits well on this thread. There are some helpful items there -- said link above with /tamar.html has a 5 part article on finding a kinky partner as well:

Alt.sex.bondage FAQ
Guide to Sensuous Caning
Guide to Erotic Flogging
An SM Tarot Deck
Notes on Caning
Notes on Play Piercing
How to Use Clothespins
Article on Electrical Play
Thoughts on BDSM Toys
Creative BDSM Toy Sources
Food Play Safety Tips
Soc.sexuality.spanking FAQ
Grim's Guide to Flogging
Guide to Steel Bondage
Play Party Etiquette
Review of Susan Bakos's Book Kink
Introduction to Violet Wands
Guide to the Use of Plants in BDSM Play
BDSM Informational Resources
Advice on Blind Dates (Tangled Web)
Mini-Essays on BDSM (Tangled Web)
BDSM Handbook (Tangled Web)
Potential Gor Novels (Tangled Web)
The S Letters (Tangled Web)
Information on Electrical Play
Thoughts on Submission
Thoughts on Consensuality
Guide to Spanking Resources
Fetish Club Hanky Code
Alt.sex.femdom FAQ
Information on BDSM from Hermes
Set of Positions for Scenes
Advice on BDSM from Tamar Kay
Masochism as a Spiritual Path
Bibliography for Pagan SM Ritual
Improving the Legal Standing of Your Relationship
Introduction to Spanking
S&M Bibliography
S&M Bibliography II
S&M Bibliography III
Article on Negotiations
Checklist for Potential Submissives
Mainstream Films Featuring BDSM Practices
Advice to a Novice Dominant
Sample Contracts
Sample Contracts II
SM Facts
Account of Sample SM Scene
Songs With BDSM Themes
Boot Slave Jones - A Song Parody
Dominatrix in Print and Media
How to Start a BDSM Discussion Club
Advice on Hosting BDSM Parties
Information on Safer Sex and BDSM
LINKS Party Rules Flyer
Info about Making Canes
Advice on Hosting Balanced SM Parties
First Aid in Case of Seizures During Play
Thoughts on Therapeutic SM
Information on Chastity Belts
Information on Foot Discipline
Houseplants of Gor
Text of Final Judgement on Spanner Case
Abbreviations Used on ASB
Living in Leather X - Workshops
Living in Leather X - Review
Coming Out Into SM
SM Community Jokes
SandMUtopian Guardian Topical Index
Article on Mummification