What drives some of you to cheat?

[policywank]

Nah. You are just engaging in semantics as an excuse to moralize.

To the extent that someone asks why one cheated, temptation and weakness are reasons. Nobody said that they are good reasons or legitimate justification for betrayal. Nor did anybody say that citing those reasons allowed them to justify their behaviour. Most people I know of that cheated due to temptation in a moment of weakness are plagued by guilt and often face substantial consequences for their actions. They know damn well that they shouldn't have done it. But they did. They are human and made a mistake. And they regret it. But if you ask why they did it that is why they did it.

I think that we can all relate to the premise that if you are going to have sex with someone outside your marriage there is, in principal, a "right" way to do it by communicating effectively in advance and either not committing to monogamy in the first place or openly telling your partner that you will no longer be monogamous and give them the opportunity to decide whether to stay or go. But life isn't always that straight forward and sometimes the circumstances are such that your choices are to live in a sexless marriage, end it with catastrophic consequences (for extended family as well) or cheat.

Saying it is never justified is a little like saying violence is never justified. It is never good and we should always seek an alternative. But unless you are intentionally closing your mind we can all imagine scenarios where it is the least bad option. That metaphor is a little strained because sex isn't an immediate need in the same way as say physical protection. But that does lead to an interesting discussion about the role of sex in a marriage. Is it a need like food or water? No, but personally I believe it is part of the commitment so at some point the refusal to have a grown-up sex life is a betrayal of the marital commitment. If one partner does that, why is it incumbent upon the other to absorb the consequences? Why is it ok to betray the marital commitment by denying sex or not having a reasonably grown up sex life when it is not ok to betray the marital commitment by cheating? In my view either neither is ok or both are ok. Not engaging while expecting your partner to remain chaste is every bit as much of a betrayal as cheating, but I am sort of off topic now.

I tend to think that a lot of people who cite the limitations in their marital sex life as their reason to cheat are using that as an excuse. But it is relevant to look deeper at what measures they have taken to address any issues in their marital sex life and just what are the issues to which they are referring. We all have our own preconceptions based upon our own anecdotal experience. But reality runs the full gamut from people who have wildly unrealistic expectations of their partner and use that as cover for their own shitty behaviour to partners who really have frozen out their spouse in the sex department in a way that is a serious violation of the marital contract.

I've told the story before of my friend who's husband cheated. At first she saw the situation as 100% his fault. But digging a little deeper it turned out that they'd had no meaningful sex life for twenty years. There was always some reason but when they string together to be twenty years long something is wrong. He had tried everything to spice things up or seek therapy to no avail. Their relationship was otherwise good. And she wasn't insensitive. But she was the type of woman - and there are many - who felt that if for any reason she isn't in the mood that is reason enough to deny him and any attempt he makes to importune beyond that is intrinsically misogynist. He is a good guy who was genuinely intent on sticking with her no matter what. But he was worn down, feeling unappreciated and gave in to a moment of weakness. He was racked with guilt and confessed almost immediately. I told her at the time that she was as at fault as he was. She had failed to hold up her end of the marital bargain - not because she didn't fuck him whenever he wanted but because she hadn't engaged in their sex life and addressing his needs in good faith. She'd hidden behind feminist tropes to justify taking her husband for granted. That didn't justify his behaviour but it sure put it in context. And it would be entirely inappropriate to go straight to making harsh judgments about lack of respect or honour or all the rest of that moralizing crap without taking a closer look.

Now I'll go one step further. When she first told me about his cheating she was intent on taking him for every penny he was worth and getting sole custody of the kids. In that moment she showed me exactly why he felt trapped enough to stray. As you say he had three bad options: stay in a sexless marriage; face a nasty divorce and potential loss of access to his kids or cheat.

Happily they reconciled. The key point she had to get past was that being a feminist and having a vagina was not license to take him for granted. Sex is not this magical off limits zone where it isn't important to be sensitive to the needs of your partner even when yo are not in the mood. Once she saw that everything took on a whole different feel. He begged for forgiveness and she finally started listening. There were no villains or dishonourable people in this story. Just decent people who made mistakes.

 

[lc69hunter]

I tend to think that a lot of people who cite the limitations in their marital sex life as their reason to cheat are using that as an excuse. But it is relevant to look deeper at what measures they have taken to address any issues in their marital sex life and just what are the issues to which they are referring. We all have our own preconceptions based upon our own anecdotal experience. But reality runs the full gamut from people who have wildly unrealistic expectations of their partner and use that as cover for their own shitty behaviour to partners who really have frozen out their spouse in the sex department in a way that is a serious violation of the marital contract.

I've told the story before of my friend who's husband cheated. At first she saw the situation as 100% his fault. But digging a little deeper it turned out that they'd had no meaningful sex life for twenty years. There was always some reason but when they string together to be twenty years long something is wrong. He had tried everything to spice things up or seek therapy to no avail. Their relationship was otherwise good. And she wasn't insensitive. But she was the type of woman - and there are many - who felt that if for any reason she isn't in the mood that is reason enough to deny him and any attempt he makes to importune beyond that is intrinsically misogynist. He is a good guy who was genuinely intent on sticking with her no matter what. But he was worn down, feeling unappreciated and gave in to a moment of weakness. He was racked with guilt and confessed almost immediately. I told her at the time that she was as at fault as he was. She had failed to hold up her end of the marital bargain - not because she didn't fuck him whenever he wanted but because she hadn't engaged in their sex life and addressing his needs in good faith. She'd hidden behind feminist tropes to justify taking her husband for granted. That didn't justify his behaviour but it sure put it in context. And it would be entirely inappropriate to go straight to making harsh judgments about lack of respect or honour or all the rest of that moralizing crap without taking a closer look.

Now I'll go one step further. When she first told me about his cheating she was intent on taking him for every penny he was worth and getting sole custody of the kids. In that moment she showed me exactly why he felt trapped enough to stray. As you say he had three bad options: stay in a sexless marriage; face a nasty divorce and potential loss of access to his kids or cheat.

Happily they reconciled. The key point she had to get past was that being a feminist and having a vagina was not license to take him for granted. Sex is not this magical off limits zone where it isn't important to be sensitive to the needs of your partner even when yo are not in the mood. Once she saw that everything took on a whole different feel. He begged for forgiveness and she finally started listening. There were no villains or dishonourable people in this story. Just decent people who made mistakes.

Again, you put a lot of things into perspective

 

[Rob_Royale]

Again, you put a lot of things into perspective

Agreed. I do feel that that is a much more extreme set of circumstances to lead to him cheating than you find in most cases. But in this instance, I can understand it.

 

[Purple_Fronds]

I tend to think that a lot of people who cite the limitations in their marital sex life as their reason to cheat are using that as an excuse. But it is relevant to look deeper at what measures they have taken to address any issues in their marital sex life and just what are the issues to which they are referring. We all have our own preconceptions based upon our own anecdotal experience. But reality runs the full gamut from people who have wildly unrealistic expectations of their partner and use that as cover for their own shitty behaviour to partners who really have frozen out their spouse in the sex department in a way that is a serious violation of the marital contract.

I've told the story before of my friend who's husband cheated. At first she saw the situation as 100% his fault. But digging a little deeper it turned out that they'd had no meaningful sex life for twenty years. There was always some reason but when they string together to be twenty years long something is wrong. He had tried everything to spice things up or seek therapy to no avail. Their relationship was otherwise good. And she wasn't insensitive. But she was the type of woman - and there are many - who felt that if for any reason she isn't in the mood that is reason enough to deny him and any attempt he makes to importune beyond that is intrinsically misogynist. He is a good guy who was genuinely intent on sticking with her no matter what. But he was worn down, feeling unappreciated and gave in to a moment of weakness. He was racked with guilt and confessed almost immediately. I told her at the time that she was as at fault as he was. She had failed to hold up her end of the marital bargain - not because she didn't fuck him whenever he wanted but because she hadn't engaged in their sex life and addressing his needs in good faith. She'd hidden behind feminist tropes to justify taking her husband for granted. That didn't justify his behaviour but it sure put it in context. And it would be entirely inappropriate to go straight to making harsh judgments about lack of respect or honour or all the rest of that moralizing crap without taking a closer look.

Now I'll go one step further. When she first told me about his cheating she was intent on taking him for every penny he was worth and getting sole custody of the kids. In that moment she showed me exactly why he felt trapped enough to stray. As you say he had three bad options: stay in a sexless marriage; face a nasty divorce and potential loss of access to his kids or cheat.

Happily they reconciled. The key point she had to get past was that being a feminist and having a vagina was not license to take him for granted. Sex is not this magical off limits zone where it isn't important to be sensitive to the needs of your partner even when yo are not in the mood. Once she saw that everything took on a whole different feel. He begged for forgiveness and she finally started listening. There were no villains or dishonourable people in this story. Just decent people who made mistakes.

Thanks for this, always a clear perspective

 

[SharesMe]

Is it the adrenaline? Caught up in the moment? Or is it just because you don't get enough from your significant other?

And for those who have? Did you regret it or did it start a whole new chapter in your life for the better?

It’s the naughty feeling, sneaking and excitement. Fucking that person on their bed or sofa that their spouse will be on later.

 

[Dapperguy]

Listen, Popeye, when you talk about cheating, do you mean a Dom’s right to fuck who he wants, when wants and how we wants? If so, let me be candid with you. Most Bitches and Sluts that hang around me expect me to cheat because it's as plain as the egg on your face, that's what a man is all about. If I'm not with a Slut or a brothel whore, I go home to the wife and give her a good going over with my cock. She never asks, “Oh! Dapper, where've you been? Have you been fucking with whores again?” No, she knows I cheat and loves me to cheat, because it gives her something to moan about, when out with her friends. It's my right to cheat on those I cheat with. ‘Cheat’ is a stupid word. A man should always be ready to fuck some Slut or Bitch they find in some hovel of a pub, where they hang out. Okay, some of you might condemn me, but I want to ask you a candid question: if the opportunity to fuck and be sucked by Bitch or Slut, and your partner could never find out about your misdemeanour, would you say ‘No’? Get real, your trousers would be off her knickers would be jettisoned and your cock would be buried in her wet and stinking cunt. Admit it to yourself. A man has a right to fuck and fuck and fuck whoever he likes and his partner must accept his need to fuck. If they don’t, they need booted into touch, like a rugby ball.

 

[Jess0224]

I just like adventure and risk.

 

[falkor207]

An interesting thread to read from start to now. Certainly a polarizing topic and no matter the reply we often never know or hear of the context that underlies having sex with other than your spouse/mate. Not my proudest moments but yes I cheated on my ex-wife when I was younger, yes there were a lot of reasons which ultimately boiled down to opportunity. My current gf of 20+yrs I have not cheated on despite some drastic changes and imposed physical limitations on her part. Yes, I'm on Lit. No, I don't consider activities here as cheating.

 

[Bettytheboo]

Is it the adrenaline? Caught up in the moment? Or is it just because you don't get enough from your significant other?

And for those who have? Did you regret it or did it start a whole new chapter in your life for the better?

Lust.

 

[policywank]

Agreed. I do feel that that is a much more extreme set of circumstances to lead to him cheating than you find in most cases. But in this instance, I can understand it.

Yes it is a comparatively extreme set of circumstances. I think that it is a powerful example because it compels us to consider the possibility that circumstances do exist - even if rarely - where cheating is understandable. That in turn ought to lead us to look at individual circumstances based upon an objective (as much as possible) view of the fact pattern. Whether or not most cases of cheating are understandable, I don't think that should affect our view of any given circumstance.

In an odd way, physical violence provides a useful analogy. Of course I oppose violent behaviour. And I think that it is unjustified more often than it is understandable, although that is really just my perception. But more importantly, it doesn't guide how I see any given circumstance. When I hear of a violent incident, especially involving someone I know, my immediate instinct is to ask what happened. I can abhor the violence without attributing fault before knowing the circumstance. And we can all imagine situations in which the person who got punched had it coming to them. Maybe that wasn't the best way to deal with the situation but we can understand it.

I think that both scenarios involve things where society sort of dictates that we make a conclusion before knowing the facts. If we first ask what happened we are at risk of being labelled an apologist rather than someone just trying to get to the truth. Chances are the cheater or the person who threw the first punch is usually at fault? Ya maybe, but that is not so clear that we shouldn't stop to ask what happened.

 

[Noor]

People have cheated forever. Nothing about WW2 changed anything.

Actually yes, there was something about world war 2 that changed things, not as much as the 60s was changed by the pill, but the availability of birth control greatly improve during and after world war 2.
The US army distributed condoms to their troops and the rubber diaphragm became a popular method of birth control in the 1940s. By 1942 there were over 400 birth control organizations in the US and the ant -contraception Comstock laws were rarely enforced, whereas before they were.

 

[scribe66]

Cheating is simply breaking the trust you’ve established in a monogamous relationship.
If you’ve both agreed that it’s ok to seek pleasure, sexual fulfillment or just enjoy someone new and different then that’s between the two of you.

As long as both parties are aware and in agreement…. No harm, no foul.

There is no single answer as to why people cheat. Every person and every situation has its own unique perspective.

I love sex with new partners. Simple as that.
There is something highly erotic and satisfying about pleasing and exploring someone new.
Bringing your “A” game and fucking for the sheer love of the experience.
It’s beyond hot.

 

[Leglover1234]

Is chatting on lit considered cheating? If so I do it for female companionship. My wife refuses

 

[Britva415]

Is chatting on lit considered cheating?

If you're hiding it from your wife, then yeah, I'd say so.

 

[GoodBoy4Ever]

I cheated once. I was very unhappy in the relationship, and I asked for a divorce. A few weeks later I spent a weekend with another woman. Although we didn't have intercourse, it was still sex. My wife and I saw a therapist after that. Really what drove me was feeling alone and at the time I didn't feel understood. I feel more understood now, but still alone.

Not a choice I was happy with, but a choice I made. Some postive things changed in the relationship that may not have otherwise. I have tried to get the courage to talk about an open marriage, but I don't see that working for us at this time. I guess it depends on what happens over the following months and years. I won't be making any radical changes. However, I do hope things improve one way or anouther.

 

[peruchica]

I had always been somewhat of a serial cheater. It's the reason why I remained single for so long because I knew that I couldn't remain faithful. For me it just stems from desire and giving into it. I've always looked at sex as just that, sex and didn't see any difference between giving into buying that bag of chips because I was craving it in the moment, and having sex with a guy that I just met because I was horny and wanted him in the moment.

 

[Tall_grl]

Some would say I have cheated, but my spouse was okay with it and even encouraged the idea.

 

[thefireman73]

For me it’s about having something new. And someone who will try new kinky things with no judgement.

 

[Bbl87]

So, I've never cheated unless you consider my occasional online play here.

What would drive me, and has gotten me to the point of at least thinking about it (and writing a whole series here fantasizing about it) is our nearly or quasi-dead bedroom combined with my wife's lack of desire to address it. I've asked for years, tried all kinds of things from my side, etc. but our lack of sex doesn't bother HER so she really doesn't feel the need to try to address it.

For me, its the lack of caring more than the lack of sex. If she wanted to try to work on it, try some things, etc. I would be alot less tempted. But sometimes it's hard to see the potential for improvement, and that's when those moments of weakness definitely come.

 

[Peaker44Redeux]

Lack of intimacy, not feeling needed or appreciated.

 

[Goldenfinger]

When I was younger before I met my wife I was kinda crazy. Reflecting back I’d say lack of respect for myself and others and poor impulse control. But that was me.

 

[blkjames]

It's been my experience with a lot of married women, seems in most cases, it's more of the situation that they find the self in at the time. Lot of them had no desire to cheat till the situation presented itself. They said it was more like watching someone else doing it, not them. Case in point was a preacher wife. Her car broke down and I was the lucky guy to pick her up and lend her a helping hand. Neither one of us was expecting anything to happen, but it did. It was pure and simple that she gave in to her temptation and was not planned.

 

[NEOhio1972]

I will answer!! Like the newness.... Like meeting new peoplr. Like the prospect of others feeling good!!

 

[artgorden]

The fact that she doesn't have a bbc.

 

[Swuchmann]

Love my wife.

I cheat because she cheats and she doesn’t have a hard cock that need for balance in my sex life.