What drives some of you to cheat?

[Mystories189]

I don't know the idea turns me on. I think it's partially that they like me so much that they don't care that I'm married and just the idea that ne husband can't tell me what to do

 

[Britva415]

Define cheating….

Is cheating only physical?

Or me responding this is cheating…

I have never done the first and have not a lot of desire to do so irl… part because i pledged monogamy (maybe i should bot have… but i believed in it back then)… part because i am afraid on stds… lol… so i am not 100% pure on my no physical cheating intentions…

Now, if i consider this virtual life cheating (and i most of the times do )… i do it because sex is a desire that is far from met in my otherwise pleasent marriage… this escape helps me be more regulated irl…

Cheating is whatever you don't want to get caught at doing.

 

[Britva415]

I “cheated” a bit at the end of my first marriage. I don’t really count it because we’d already decided on separation.

Pretty much same here, the only time I ever cheated was when it was very clear the relationship was very quickly approaching an end anyway. We hadn't said so out loud, but to me it wasn't infidelity because I was fully expecting it to all fall apart any second over some totally unrelated shit.

Of course he found out and it hurt, which is pretty much the reason I generally am not ever tempted to cheat, it's not worth the karma. But in this case shit was going to hurt anyway and I stopped giving a fuck whether he was hurt because of the cheating or hurt because of the real reasons for the breakup.

The cheating was with a woman, so, when he found out, to him it was like a self fulfilling prophecy coming true. He never could handle being with a bisexual man and his insecurity about that infuriated me for years. That's not what we broke up over but fuck if I cared making him understand that at that point.

 

[hulmule]

My sexless marriage

 

[Lowhanger]

Exactly. I never set out to cheat but when the stars align, I found it hard to say no. For me a seminar in Boston was one of those occasions.

Love to hear that story

 

[Rob_Royale]

I've often wondered how people who promised not to, do cheat. Seems a marked lack of respect for their partner, and personal integrity would be the root cause.

Tell me I'm wrong. With a straight face.

 

[Islander55]

I've often wondered how people who promised not to, do cheat. Seems a marked lack of respect for their partner, and personal integrity would be the root cause.

Tell me I'm wrong. With a straight face.

The key is that no one should promise not to be intimate with someone else. I do not know the real numbers of people who cheat but I bet is over 50% for women and even higher for men.

 

[Islander55]

Love to hear that story

Pretty simple story. I was at a conference in Boston. I had kept the room over the weekend and my husband was supposed to join me Fri night. He decided that he needed to work late and would come up on Sat. That left me with nothing to do Fri night and being a bit annoyed and more than a bit horny. Went to the hotel bar for a glass of wine, started chatting with a nice man who was also stuck there Fri night. A couple of hour later and a little more wine than was good for me, he walks me to my room. A short time later, I am naked and on my back with my legs spread and a nice orgasm in the works. Neither of us thought about a condom so I had a week of worry after the fact.

 

[TinaG_2023]

I've not made any commitments so I don't feel it's cheating!!

 

[KinkStevens]

Is it the adrenaline? Caught up in the moment? Or is it just because you don't get enough from your significant other?

And for those who have? Did you regret it or did it start a whole new chapter in your life for the better?

Its the opportunity of a new experience for me. I don’t get a thrill from idea of going behind anyone’s back

 

[Islander55]

Monogamy is something people try to force themselves to do, but I don’t think it’s natural at all.

One person can’t meet every need and fulfill every fantasy for another person, especially today when there seem to be endless options for how to be intimate.

In the past, when there was a big stigma attached to cheating and divorce, the fence keeping people in line was formidable. Today, every kind of fantasy candy is out there and the fence is almost nonexistent.

When I was younger, I spent some time in a small town. Now this was in the 60's and while the hippy generations was engaging in a fair amount of open sex, it seems that the older generation had also had their flings. After WWII, it seems that there was a significant amount of cheating or premarital sex. Now I did not witness any of this but even if half the stories were true, then the concept of cheating is not something new. I have no facts but I am guessing that WWII kind of opened the door. Not making it acceptable behavior but making it common behavior.

I truly believe that if a couple can accept that partners need a break from routine and that embracing that could make for better sexual relationships in marriages.

 

[policywank]

I've often wondered how people who promised not to, do cheat. Seems a marked lack of respect for their partner, and personal integrity would be the root cause.

Tell me I'm wrong. With a straight face.

I think that is oversimplifying. I won't try to justify it but there are lots of reasons that people stray from their commitments - changed circumstances, temptation, weakness, lack of fulfillment, unrelated sources of turmoil that undermine your resolve. Are those adequate justification to cheat? No. But we are all imperfect creatures and not every mistake is due to lack of respect or personal integrity.

One of the things about cheating is that we each have a different gauge of how serious it is. For some people it is the height of betrayal. For others it is less significant. Like it or not we do put "sins" on a hierarchy of severity. None of us is without sin, so we tend to count the ones we commit as less serious than the ones we don't.

 

[Rob_Royale]

The key is that no one should promise not to be intimate with someone else. I do not know the real numbers of people who cheat but I bet is over 50% for women and even higher for men.

Pretty simple story. I was at a conference in Boston. I had kept the room over the weekend and my husband was supposed to join me Fri night. He decided that he needed to work late and would come up on Sat. That left me with nothing to do Fri night and being a bit annoyed and more than a bit horny. Went to the hotel bar for a glass of wine, started chatting with a nice man who was also stuck there Fri night. A couple of hour later and a little more wine than was good for me, he walks me to my room. A short time later, I am naked and on my back with my legs spread and a nice orgasm in the works. Neither of us thought about a condom so I had a week of worry after the fact.

And yet, YOU DID promise. The second paragraph shows that you are a selfish, entitled person without a moral compass.

I think that is oversimplifying. I won't try to justify it but there are lots of reasons that people stray from their commitments - changed circumstances, temptation, weakness, lack of fulfillment, unrelated sources of turmoil that undermine your resolve.

Those aren't the reasons. Those are justifications that you tell yourselves so you can sleep at night. It may seem like an oversimplification, but it's not. It simple. If you want other people. Do the right thing. End your relationship and then knock yourself out, with my blessing. But you don't. You betray and then continue to use the other partner for all the things that monogamy affords us. Support, love, security. That makes you a pretty shitty person in my book.

You might be thinking I'm like the LW trolls, and taking my personal tragedies out on you, but I'm not. I'm thirty-two years with the same wonderful lady. If you had an open marriage or were swingers, or are poly, I'd give you the big thumbs up and a pat on the back. That's having the courage and integrity to do non-monogamy the right way. I've no issue with non-monogamy. I won't argue that monogamy is natural or right for everyone. It's not.

It's the vow, the promise you made, and the fact that it means/meant so little to you, that pisses me off. The lack of honor. That'll be all from me here, on the subject. If you'd like to discuss this further, feel free to shoot me a PM.

 

[Britva415]

When I was younger, I spent some time in a small town. Now this was in the 60's and while the hippy generations was engaging in a fair amount of open sex, it seems that the older generation had also had their flings. After WWII, it seems that there was a significant amount of cheating or premarital sex. Now I did not witness any of this but even if half the stories were true, then the concept of cheating is not something new. I have no facts but I am guessing that WWII kind of opened the door. Not making it acceptable behavior but making it common behavior.

I truly believe that if a couple can accept that partners need a break from routine and that embracing that could make for better sexual relationships in marriages.

People have cheated forever. Nothing about WW2 changed anything.

 

[Islander55]

People have cheated forever. Nothing about WW2 changed anything.

You probably are right but WWII did get the boys off the farm and out into the world and it led to women playing roles that they had not played much previously.

And yet, YOU DID promise. The second paragraph shows that you are a selfish, entitled person without a moral compass.



Those aren't the reasons. Those are justifications that you tell yourselves so you can sleep at night. It may seem like an oversimplification, but it's not. It simple. If you want other people. Do the right thing. End your relationship and then knock yourself out, with my blessing. But you don't. You betray and then continue to use the other partner for all the things that monogamy affords us. Support, love, security. That makes you a pretty shitty person in my book.

You might be thinking I'm like the LW trolls, and taking my personal tragedies out on you, but I'm not. I'm thirty-two years with the same wonderful lady. If you had an open marriage or were swingers, or are poly, I'd give you the big thumbs up and a pat on the back. That's having the courage and integrity to do non-monogamy the right way. I've no issue with non-monogamy. I won't argue that monogamy is natural or right for everyone. It's not.

It's the vow, the promise you made, and the fact that it means/meant so little to you, that pisses me off. The lack of honor. That'll be all from me here, on the subject. If you'd like to discuss this further, feel free to shoot me a PM.

Actually I do not think I did promise. It was a civil ceremony and pretty simple.

 

[Twalter22]

I don't know the idea turns me on. I think it's partially that they like thme so much that they don't care that I'm married and just the idea that ne husband can't tell me what to do

this is almost word for word the explanation my wife gave me

 

[JohnsonLongwood]

I don't know the idea turns me on. I think it's partially that they like me so much that they don't care that I'm married and just the idea that ne husband can't tell me what to do

Yes, there is an element of escaping the reach of a controlling partner in that she can't influence what she doesn't know about. I don't hide my relationship status. There is some extra intrigue if she is married, too, and flattery if she is single.

 

[Mystories189]

Yes, there is an element of escaping the reach of a controlling partner in that she can't influence what she doesn't know about. I don't hide my relationship status. There is some extra intrigue if she is married, too, and flattery if she is single.

Absolutely

 

[Islander55]

I bet if you knew “Rob Royale” was giving out his blessing and to worthy non-monogamists you’d have gotten one in advance. Who wouldn’t?

He should put up some billboards on the interstates.

He does have a point to some extent. A marriage is a commitment to each other. I do not count the wedding vows as they are pretty generic and often are not really what the couple intended.. As you develop your marriage, you start getting some idea of what is important to your partner. Best if it is through earnest conversation but even with out that you should begin to know your partner. Each couple has different items that are important to them. In my case, I did cheat as I did not ask permission or even tell him that I was going to have sex with another man. However, I knew him pretty well at that point and I was pretty sure he would not have been terribly upset. Also I had forgiven him for an indiscretion and I suspect there may have been a few more since he traveled extensively for work. Point is that each couple should be aware of their partners serious issues and try to work within them.

 

[Rob_Royale]

Maybe…

OR…

Maybe all this judgment is you justifying the choice you made.

Does it help ease the regret of missing a lot of experiences you might have enjoyed? Perhaps you are so vehement against those who had those experiences because it helps you sleep at night.

Thanks for chiming in. This is a discussion thread, right? Where people should be free to voice an opinion?
To answer your question, the answer is no. My wife, in every way, fills every sexual need I have. And I hers. We both have our fantasies, but they are not itches that HAVE to be scratched. We both know that in trying to fulfill them, we run the risk of damaging the relationship that we have built for 32 years. It's not worth the risk, TO US.

As I've mentioned, my issue is with people who are selfish enough that the risk isn't even a consideration. "I want to do, what I want, and to hell with the consequences." is the way a child thinks. Not a responsible adult. In my adult life, I have known many people who destroyed their families by cheating. Shattered lives. Damaged their children. Especially while I was in the service. Deployments do bad things to people when husbands/wives become out of sight, out of mind.

It would be hard to see that so often and not develop some pretty strong feelings about it, don't you think?

 

[Tony195756]

A wife that turns cold in the bedroom

 

[Rob_Royale]

You’re a self-righteous, judgmental, busybody. I don’t believe for a moment that you’re happy in your marriage because if you were, you wouldn’t be so troubled by what others are doing.

I'm not troubled. This is a discussion. I'm participating. I don't care what you believe about anything. And it's not my concern that you can't handle an opposing opinion.

 

[lovedoublepenetration]

I have always been a cheater. Love the attention, the naughtiness. I love the mind blowing orgasms. Am addicted to gangbangs and DPs.

 

[nutoseen]

Is it the adrenaline? Caught up in the moment? Or is it just because you don't get enough from your significant other?

And for those who have? Did you regret it or did it start a whole new chapter in your life for the better?

knowing that the woman that wants me to fuck her knows my dick is small but she gets so wet just thinking about what i will do to her.

 

[SlutAddicted]

And yet, YOU DID promise. The second paragraph shows that you are a selfish, entitled person without a moral compass.



Those aren't the reasons. Those are justifications that you tell yourselves so you can sleep at night. It may seem like an oversimplification, but it's not. It simple. If you want other people. Do the right thing. End your relationship and then knock yourself out, with my blessing. But you don't. You betray and then continue to use the other partner for all the things that monogamy affords us. Support, love, security. That makes you a pretty shitty person in my book.

You might be thinking I'm like the LW trolls, and taking my personal tragedies out on you, but I'm not. I'm thirty-two years with the same wonderful lady. If you had an open marriage or were swingers, or are poly, I'd give you the big thumbs up and a pat on the back. That's having the courage and integrity to do non-monogamy the right way. I've no issue with non-monogamy. I won't argue that monogamy is natural or right for everyone. It's not.

It's the vow, the promise you made, and the fact that it means/meant so little to you, that pisses me off. The lack of honor. That'll be all from me here, on the subject. If you'd like to discuss this further, feel free to shoot me a PM.

Nah. You are just engaging in semantics as an excuse to moralize.

To the extent that someone asks why one cheated, temptation and weakness are reasons. Nobody said that they are good reasons or legitimate justification for betrayal. Nor did anybody say that citing those reasons allowed them to justify their behaviour. Most people I know of that cheated due to temptation in a moment of weakness are plagued by guilt and often face substantial consequences for their actions. They know damn well that they shouldn't have done it. But they did. They are human and made a mistake. And they regret it. But if you ask why they did it that is why they did it.

I think that we can all relate to the premise that if you are going to have sex with someone outside your marriage there is, in principal, a "right" way to do it by communicating effectively in advance and either not committing to monogamy in the first place or openly telling your partner that you will no longer be monogamous and give them the opportunity to decide whether to stay or go. But life isn't always that straight forward and sometimes the circumstances are such that your choices are to live in a sexless marriage, end it with catastrophic consequences (for extended family as well) or cheat.

Saying it is never justified is a little like saying violence is never justified. It is never good and we should always seek an alternative. But unless you are intentionally closing your mind we can all imagine scenarios where it is the least bad option. That metaphor is a little strained because sex isn't an immediate need in the same way as say physical protection. But that does lead to an interesting discussion about the role of sex in a marriage. Is it a need like food or water? No, but personally I believe it is part of the commitment so at some point the refusal to have a grown-up sex life is a betrayal of the marital commitment. If one partner does that, why is it incumbent upon the other to absorb the consequences? Why is it ok to betray the marital commitment by denying sex or not having a reasonably grown up sex life when it is not ok to betray the marital commitment by cheating? In my view either neither is ok or both are ok. Not engaging while expecting your partner to remain chaste is every bit as much of a betrayal as cheating, but I am sort of off topic now.