What do you think?

[ataxia.girl]

And since what I wanted was for him to take his own pleasure above mine, however he wished to, I had to learn to accept that he does what he wants and my place is to take it, whether it hurts, it is annoying or it is pleasant. His expression of Domination does not have to fit my image, it is what he wants. Simple and yet hard to accept.

This is EXACTLY what happened to us. my husband is dominant. There is no question about it but he does not have the sex drive i do or level of interest in all things sexual in general. i am so fine now with him taking what he wants when he wants even though its much less than i can handle and desire. i'm happy he's happy.

There's a catch however. This only works for me because i also have Daddy. i don't see Him that often but just having that freedom to pursue my own happiness which for me just has to include things sexual makes any lack of intensity at home okay. i enjoy making my husband happy and meeting his needs because i am no longer dependent on him to meet my needs when he simply cannot.

 

[catalina_francisco]

As long as Londongirl is comfortable & happy with the control, of course it's possible to paint that in a good light.

Londongirl says: "Gotta go, my husband wants me home by 12:30."

Friend says: "He can't tell you what to do! What is he, some sort of control freak?"

Londongirl says (grinning broadly, clearly at ease and happy): "Actually, he's a guy with spectacular plans for what happens when I get there. If you were me, you wouldn't want to be late either! It was great seeing you guys - bye!" or "You know, he worries a lot about me when it's so late. Can't sleep without me tucked in safely beside him. I think that's so sweet! Talk to you guys later!"

Elaborate dissertations on kink are totally unnecessary, but lying and hamstringing the D are hardly healthy for a relationship. So the idea is: tell just enough of the truth to explain why you're leaving, show your happiness with & acceptance of the situation, and carry on as if this sort of thing is perfectly normal.

Couldn't agree more, and would go so far as to suggest there is no reason anyone has to give a friend or family member an excuse. As an adult, you do not have to explain yourself, why you need to go by a certain time, or seek the permission of someone who is not your partner in life....they are not your keeper and it is none of their business why you do anything unless you try to involve them in it which is not on.

As to the drinking thing londongirl, it is likely it is because it lowers your resistance and inhibitions in a way which allows you to feel more comfortable in your submission. It is not unusual, but also is not something I favour as a part of submission or a tool to get there and cope. Talking and taking baby steps is much more reliable and safe, not to mention honest, boring as it may seem.

Catalina

 

[intothewoods]

As long as Londongirl is comfortable & happy with the control, of course it's possible to paint that in a good light.

Londongirl says: "Gotta go, my husband wants me home by 12:30."

Friend says: "He can't tell you what to do! What is he, some sort of control freak?"

Londongirl says (grinning broadly, clearly at ease and happy): "Actually, he's a guy with spectacular plans for what happens when I get there. If you were me, you wouldn't want to be late either! It was great seeing you guys - bye!" or "You know, he worries a lot about me when it's so late. Can't sleep without me tucked in safely beside him. I think that's so sweet! Talk to you guys later!"

Elaborate dissertations on kink are totally unnecessary, but lying and hamstringing the D are hardly healthy for a relationship. So the idea is: tell just enough of the truth to explain why you're leaving, show your happiness with & acceptance of the situation, and carry on as if this sort of thing is perfectly normal.

You know, there are vanilla people who do this (i.e., paint their partner as a big scawy control freak) all the time, without even the underlying kink to supposedly confuse the issue. "My husband won't let me stay out! He's such a jerk." Or, "the wife/ball and chain won't let me go out with the boys." It makes me nuts. Don't put that on your partner. You are a big boy or girl and you are making the choice to be in that relationship.

Sorry, that sort of thing just irks the begeezus out of me, kinky or not.

 

[ataxia.girl]

This is interesting also, i feel i can be more submissive when i have had a drink

Lots of women also have an easier time letting go and enjoying sex if they've had a drink. i don't think its THAT big of a deal. i learned to submit sans alcohol and am very submissive sober or not. i'm still pretty pent up and repressed and just enjoy anything fucking related more buzzed.

i will say that when we were experimenting no one was drinking otherwise i wouldn't have been able to give good information on whether i was being hurt or not. Neither my husband or my Daddy ever drink before using me, actually neither of them drink at all.

When given the option i generally choose to have a drink or two before sex. If either of them went out of their way to tell me not to i wouldn't. If hubby indicates we're going to be doing complicated rope or something i make sure not to.

 

[rida]

....

There's a catch however. This only works for me because i also have Daddy. i don't see Him that often but just having that freedom to pursue my own happiness which for me just has to include things sexual makes any lack of intensity at home okay. i enjoy making my husband happy and meeting his needs because i am no longer dependent on him to meet my needs when he simply cannot.

I too have the freedom to go outside the marriage and do so. It started mostly has a way to fulfill a desire of Hubby's, but it has now evolved in a way for me to explore what he is not interested into.

I'm not sure what needs I'm fulfilling this way. I honestly am still trying to figure out what I want and what I need. One thing thou is clear: I need Hubby to be happy with me, and as such I cannot enjoy fully my outside interactions when Hubby and I are having a not happy patch.

-----------

You know, there are vanilla people who do this (i.e., paint their partner as a big scawy control freak) all the time, without even the underlying kink to supposedly confuse the issue. "My husband won't let me stay out! He's such a jerk." Or, "the wife/ball and chain won't let me go out with the boys." It makes me nuts. Don't put that on your partner. You are a big boy or girl and you are making the choice to be in that relationship.

Sorry, that sort of thing just irks the begeezus out of me, kinky or not.

I too hate people that do not own up to their own actions/desires and rather paint the partner as a jerk. But I see what JMohegan suggested as different:
he suggested to tell half-truth; a way to acknowledge that it is the husband desire to have her home early without going into the D/s reason's why.

Personally I'll leave it even more vague: a "I need to go, sorry" should be enough. Of course if one used to be always the "last man standing" it is going to rise some eyebrows to suddenly act like Cinderella so question might be asked. A reasonable explanation, if necessary, can always be found.

 

[intothewoods]

I too hate people that do not own up to their own actions/desires and rather paint the partner as a jerk. But I see what JMohegan suggested as different:
he suggested to tell half-truth; a way to acknowledge that it is the husband desire to have her home early without going into the D/s reason's why.

Personally I'll leave it even more vague: a "I need to go, sorry" should be enough. Of course if one used to be always the "last man standing" it is going to rise some eyebrows to suddenly act like Cinderella so question might be asked. A reasonable explanation, if necessary, can always be found.

Oh yes - it's just that it reminded me of a pet peeve. So it was essentially a self-indulgent hijack.

 

[JMohegan]

You know, there are vanilla people who do this (i.e., paint their partner as a big scawy control freak) all the time, without even the underlying kink to supposedly confuse the issue. "My husband won't let me stay out! He's such a jerk." Or, "the wife/ball and chain won't let me go out with the boys." It makes me nuts. Don't put that on your partner. You are a big boy or girl and you are making the choice to be in that relationship.

Sorry, that sort of thing just irks the begeezus out of me, kinky or not.

Even people who don't openly bitch about it often let themselves get jerked around, and are miserable as a result. I once told a friend he was "fuckin' pussywhipped." The observation wasn't particularly helpful in the short run, as you might imagine, but eventually he did move on.

 

[JMohegan]

Couldn't agree more, and would go so far as to suggest there is no reason anyone has to give a friend or family member an excuse. As an adult, you do not have to explain yourself, why you need to go by a certain time, or seek the permission of someone who is not your partner in life....they are not your keeper and it is none of their business why you do anything unless you try to involve them in it which is not on.

I agree with you.

Though I understand why close friends or family feel compelled to speak up at times, this in no way alters the right of the addressee to say: "None of your business," and leave it at that.