What do you think

[Juliangel]

I would love the hear your opinion on this. Do you think it is possible for a marriage that is fairly strong to survive sexual incompatibility?

He is happy with infrequent sex and received oral sex regularly.

She wants sex much more often and has never received oral sex from him.

They are starting to have fights over the incompatibility, so is it possible to get past it or is sex too important for a marriage to survive without both parties being happy sexually?

 

[Merelan]

Cold facts are that sex is an important factor in intimicy. If he isn't attuned to her physical needs then chances are he isn't attuned to her emotionally, and thats where it will break down. I am not even going to tell you they need to talk about it. They do, but with a counselor. Now. It gets worse and worse and next thing you know they are seeking their affections elsewhere.
Then when the marriage busts, everyone will be saying they can't believe it. Well, believe it. I know there are going to be those that respond about how it shouldn't be about sex. I didn't say it was. It is about the simple give and take, the caring enough about her needs and desires to at least fake it! Of course he likes the blow jobs, he doesn't have to do a damn thing, just lay back and enjoy.
Now if she insisted on the same in reverse things would change. I bet he likes her to be on top too. Less work for him and easier to fall asleep afterwards.
Sorry. I have seen this so many times and it still hurts. Insensitive men who wonder why their wives/girlfiend/boyfriends whatever, wander elsewhere for love and affection. Someone who listens to them, someone who pays attention to their needs and puts them first. And it won't always be for sex they wander, but that lovely sweet word I used... intimicy.

 

[TN_Vixen]

Sex is a HUGE factor in a successful marriage. I was married for 7 years to a man that coined the term "2-min. man" and despite many long talks and my concerns over things, he still ignored my needs.

There are a lot of things that you forgive when you're getting good sex. If he throws his socks on the floor every day and it pisses you off royally... not getting sex or good sex is going to set you off when you see the socks. If you're getting good & great sex, you'll gladly pick up the socks for him.

Even my preacher told me that sex was one of the top priorities in a successful marriage. It cannot be overlooked or compromised.

 

[CW]

Bravo Merelan

Very well said !!!

And it won't always be for sex they wander, but that lovely sweet word I used... intimicy.

Intimacy,,, I am a firm believer that this one single word speaks so much about a relatinship,,, without it, forget it,,, with it you can weather any storm together,,,

Usually fighting over sex is just a leading indicator of deeper problems that need to be addressed and resolved.

 

[Merelan]

Wow, someone understood me. So happy. I get a bit miffed on this subject so often rant about it and people miss the point. Thank you.

 

[Guest]

I have to agree with the others here so far. Sex, especially for a married couple, is very important in intimacy. The basic desire of sex is simple human nature. And though it's not always the smart choice, some people will start to look for it elsewhere if they're not getting it from their spouse. Sometimes when there's a lack of sex in the home, it's because of something even deeper than just that. Sometimes there's problems that maybe not both partners realize.

When my ex and I started having sex about only once a month (and then almost never right at the end of the relationship), it put a great strain on us. We started fighting more, resenting one another, and soon our love for one another began to fade. For about a month after we split up we started "dating" again. Having daily stress taken off of us, and having not been around each other 24/7 meant that our sex life had improved for the first time since we firt met. I'm not saying that the couple should break up to have great sex, but I am saying that the lack of sex could lead towards a break up.

~Tiggs~
http://smilecwm.tripod.com/sd3/lise.gif

 

[coaster]

Granted sex is an important part of intimacy but communication is the cornerstone. The fact that the other partner isn't willing to satisfy the needs of the other presents a problem. The intimate relationship exists when the other considers his or her partner's needs as relevant and tries to satisfy them. I would suggest counseling. Sex is a great part of a good relationship but believe me there is much much more.

 

[Wizard]

I too have to agree with Merelan, They need to talk about this if they are going to stay married.
Also if they don't get it at home they will get it else where.....Just a matter of time........

 

[Juliangel]

Thank you for your opinions and advice. I think you are right counseling is what's needed and I hope I can get him to go.

 

[coaster]

If he doesn't go, go yourself.

 

[*Eve*]

If the two people care enough about each other then they should want to make sure that sex is an enjoyable experience for each other. Sex shouldn't be the most important factor in a marriage but it is important in that this is the person you are suppose to be intimate with for the rest of your lives and if the sex is not good that can cause roblems in other areas or the marriage. Quite possibly if one partner is a selfish lover and is not willing to work things out then perhaps the marriage isn't really that strong as you think.

 

[Latina]

Yes, sexual compatibility is VERY important. One of my reular email correspondents once offered this GREAT advice based on her own personal experience:

"Don't marry that man unless he can do a damned good job of eating your pussy, or you'll eventually realize that you sacrificed what was REALLY important."

As one who has had a sexless marriage AND a marriage where we are VERY attuned to each other's plasure, I'll take the latter, thank you very much.

Do any of you watch Sex and the City? The three main women characters are best friends who all love sex in their own way, but never seem to find their ideal man. This season, one of those main characters married a man named Trey (spelling?) who had NO sexual appetite. After they split up, he missed her like crazy and they FINALLY had great sex together. That last part is not likely in real life, but it showed how a marriage WITHOUT sexual compatibility doesn't work well.

If the marriage is great in other ways, and he honestly loves and respects you, by all means go or counseling. If the sex is just one of many, many things that stink in your relationship, might be time to move on.

-- Latina

 

[forgetunome]

Intimacy...

is a big part of marriage as is communication and yes...sexual compatiblity. No sex isn't the only thing in marriage but, it is a big part. If things aren't compatible there then it can only lead to other problems. It's my humble opinion that when one partner doesn't satisfy or care to satisfy their partner that eventually the intimacy will go. After all what first attracted you to that "special person" to decide to be with them forever? Wasn't a big part of it that "sexual spark" you felt toward each other when either your eyes met or you got to knowing each other better? That leads to intimacy. When a partner starts losing sex drive first I think you have to determine whether it is a medical condition...if not then counseling is definitely in order. But, if the partner won't actively try to figure out why their drive is gone and just persists in ignoring the issue eventually, the intimacy leaves and the dissatisfied partner gets frustrated and in my opinion then sex loses it's intimacy value with their partner and they will seek "sex" with someone else. Because what makes sex between to partners special is intimacy! Sex can be gotten anywhere and it would do married partners good to remember that.

I know I for one NEVER withhold sex when I am upset with my sweetie! Look I didn't do anything wrong why should I get punished! The way I look at it is if I withhold then that means I am not getting any and I like it way to much to do without! Besides it's JMHO that if I withhold it then it just diminishes it to just "sex" and if done often enough the other partner may say "screw it I can get sex anywhere!"
That's all folks *everyone breathes a collective breath of relief*

OOOPS.....I have to add one more thing! When sexual compatibility goes I think resentment will start setting in and you'll start resenting your partner and anything you do for him/her.

[Edited by forgetunome on 10-19-2000 at 08:42 AM]

 

[FlamingoBlue]

There is an excellent book called....

Exploring the Sexual Crucible by, honest to God, Dr. David Snarch. It is a wonderful book about sex and intimacy. (They are, in fact, mutually exclusive. You can have intimacy without intercourse). Therapy will cetainly help, as long as you are loving and honest with each other.

Good luck.

blue

*** At least I think that's what its called. For sure, the title contains the words "Sexual Crucible" and the author is Dr. David Snarch.

[Edited by FlamingoBlue on 10-20-2000 at 07:32 PM]

 

[Shelby]

Going through it...

The marriage is strong but not sexually compatible.. will it survive? NOPE. Unless she is the best MUM in the world, that's another story in my books.

 

[Vlad]

Sex is the name of the game, seek counseling