What do you do when it is over?

[Ebonyfire]

It occurred to me that this is a subject that had not been addressed to often. I decided to tackle it because when I was relocated to the East Coast for my new job, I had to release my submissive, glennie. It was a very sad day for Me and for him.

How did I do it? Well, I didn't. He is still under my protection. I am his mentor, and I am helping search for another Domme. We chat almost every week.

When he find Dommes, he can use me as a character reference. He can also vouch for Me and my Methods, but so far none have asked him. I do not collar part-time subs, so we rely on verbal and/or written contracts.

I do not abandon my subs. If they need my protection after the relatinship is over, I give it to them.

So my question for other Dom/mes, how do you handle your relationships when release is necessary.

And for the subs:

What do you think you would need or expect from a dominant after the relationship is over, provided you are still speaking?

Ebony

 

[artful]

It occurred to me that this is a subject that had not been addressed to often. I decided to tackle it because when I was relocated to the East Coast for my new job, I had to release my submissive, glennie. It was a very sad day for Me and for him.

How did I do it? Well, I didn't. He is still under my protection. I am his mentor, and I am helping search for another Domme. We chat almost every week.

When he find Dommes, he can use me as a character reference. He can also vouch for Me and my Methods, but so far none have asked him. I do not collar part-time subs, so we rely on verbal and/or written contracts.

I do not abandon my subs. If they need my protection after the relatinship is over, I give it to them.

So my question for other Dom/mes, how do you handle your relationships when release is necessary.

And for the subs:

What do you think you would need or expect from a dominant after the relationship is over, provided you are still speaking?

Ebony

A grat topic for discussion Sis. I don't have MUCH to offer in this area,...as one sub passed away suddenly, (after 20 years together).

Another, I had for 6 years, she chose to leave because of a disagreement of my bringing my son home to live with us. I did however offer financial and emotional help to her. Very little was required, but what she needed, I gave her.

I did it willingly because she had always been HONEST with me. I would do that with ANY sub who I had established a relationship with, who had been HONEST with me.

Others have chosen to leave that were DECEIPTFUL, and I offered no aid at all. I discontinued an ONLINE training committment with Artful's pet, due to becoming SERIOUSLY involved with Artful's dream.

I respect Artful's pet HIGHLY,...and she understood WHY I ended our ONLINE relationship. Her and I have NEVER, had harsh or bitter feelings over the event, and I don't believe she was resentful to my ending our relationship.

I consider myself a man of honor and integrity, but I would NEVER reward deceiptfulness in ANY relationship, in any way, shape, form, or fashion.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: What do you do when it is over?

I consider myself a man of honor and integrity, but I would NEVER reward deceiptfulness in ANY relationship, in any way, shape, form, or fashion.

I think that deceitfulness should not be rewarded either. Thanks for responding.

Sis

 

[Ricckk]

Ebony:

That was a very touching post. It seems to me that you are doing everything in your power to make the transition as gentle and helpful as possible for both of you. I have no advice to add, but I wish you both the best.

 

[Red Menace]

What do you think you would need or expect from a dominant after the relationship is over, provided you are still speaking?

Ebony

It's always hard when things have to end due to circumstances beyond one's control. For what it's worth, I think you handled that beautifully.

I have no idea what I'd expect, should my relationship with Sir ever end. I think I'd be devestated because of the intense emotional bond. I've never had a relationship this intense before and it's still in just in the beginning stages. I guess I'd hope He'd do something similar to what you've done.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Ebony:

That was a very touching post. It seems to me that you are doing everything in your power to make the transition as gentle and helpful as possible for both of you. I have no advice to add, but I wish you both the best.

Thanks. It is very hard for male subs to find suitable Dommes, so the competition is fierce.

He will find his magic eventually.

Eb

 

[lark sparrow]

And for the subs:

What do you think you would need or expect from a dominant after the relationship is over, provided you are still speaking?

Ebony

The short answer: I would probably need some time away from Her to re-establish my life without Her dominance and the relationship- then, I hope I could come back and with a bit more distance, enjoy most of the things I do about Her now, within a friendship. It would probably be too difficult of a balancing act to attempt this on a fresh release.

 

[SexyChele]

Very interesting post, EB! Although I've only had one Dominant in my life, we parted badly - and it was me who broke it off. Not to go into details, but there were circumstances that made continuation of the relationship impossible.

In thinking about it, what I would hope and strive for, is to at least continue some form of communication. I may have to separate for a while to get to a place where I could look at them as a possible mentor. Certainly to accept the fact that they may have selected another submissive. But, with the exception of a very few, I have always remained on good terms with my exs. I would like to think I could do the same with a Dominant.

However. I shall be reading this with interest to see how others respond!

BTW, as the song says, "it's so nice to have you back where you belong", EB! And glad to heard you had a great weekend!

 

[serijules]

And for the subs:

What do you think you would need or expect from a dominant after the relationship is over, provided you are still speaking?

Ebony

I've only had one 'committed' collared relationship to speak off of, but that relationship taught me so much. It was mostly online to start with, and once we met and spent time together in real life, I realized that I couldn't handle a LDR anymore, and that being in a multi-sub relationship with a Dom that trouble providing his subs with even a little bit of focused attention, was not going to be benificial or stable enough for me.

I talked it out with him, he agreed with me, released me, and agreed to continue to mentor me until I found another Dom, agreed to discipline me on certain things. We had a very long talk and it was great for that moment, I thought that we had made a decision that was best for all of us.

Well, his wife/slave got upset that I didn't consult her before discussing my concerns and coming to a decision, and started ranting and badmouthing me to her Master. All the sudden all the things we had talked about, his support and understanding, was thrown out the window and changed to "you hurt me and you hurt my slave and you are a bad submissive". Needless to say, I was hurt, confused, and really lost. This was someone I trusted. To have him turn on me like that for no reason other than his slave having a temper tantrum, was beyound comprehension.

We are no longer on speaking terms.

I would expect more maturity from a Dominant. Even if there is hurt involved, if the request/desicion to release (from either role) is based on sincere and logical reasons, I would expect my Dominant to put common sense and common courtesy above knee-jerk emotions. I would expect him to act with my best interests in mind and not resort to petty accusations and assumptions. I believe that even after release (providing it is not for extreme reasons such as the sub manipulating or lying to the Dom, health issues, etc) that the Dom still holds some responsibility to guide the sub and provide support and wisdom (as Eb clearly exampled).

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: What do you do when it is over?

I would expect more maturity from a Dominant. Even if there is hurt involved, if the request/desicion to release (from either role) is based on sincere and logical reasons, I would expect my Dominant to put common sense and common courtesy above knee-jerk emotions. I would expect him to act with my best interests in mind and not resort to petty accusations and assumptions. I believe that even after release (providing it is not for extreme reasons such as the sub manipulating or lying to the Dom, health issues, etc) that the Dom still holds some responsibility to guide the sub and provide support and wisdom (as Eb clearly exampled).

I totally agree with you. I have found that in some multi-sub households, the alpha sub can sometime assume a dominant role, kinda like the first wife in a polygamous marriage.

It almost seems that the marriage took precedence for the D/s in that you Dom decided to keep the marriage peace.

Eb

 

[Ebonyfire]

BTW, as the song says, "it's so nice to have you back where you belong", EB! And glad to heard you had a great weekend!

Thanks, chele. B-boy is an excellent full service slave boy. He takes are of Me totally, and sees to my every comfort. I am very fortunate to have him, of course he always says that he is very fortunate to serve Me (which he is).

Eb

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: What do you do when it is over?

The short answer: I would probably need some time away from Her to re-establish my life without Her dominance and the relationship- then, I hope I could come back and with a bit more distance, enjoy most of the things I do about Her now, within a friendship. It would probably be too difficult of a balancing act to attempt this on a fresh release.

I am sure. It is like a divorce, when you think about it.

Eb

 

[serijules]

Re: Re: Re: What do you do when it is over?

I totally agree with you. I have found that in some multi-sub households, the alpha sub can sometime assume a dominant role, kinda like the first wife in a polygamous marriage.

It almost seems that the marriage took precedence for the D/s in that you Dom decided to keep the marriage peace.

Eb

*nods* She was the alpha sub, and her argument was that I didn't discuss the issue with her before making a decision which was a severe slap in the face to her and a huge betrayal....but wouldn't listen to me when I pointed out that it wasn't my place to make the decision, my Dom had, and if he felt he should have included her, he would have. It wasn't even something I had in mind when I went to him with the issue, it just came around to that so I didn't even have an opportunity to discuss it with anyone else...and despite her being the alpha sub, my relationship was always with HIM as a dominant, not her...

anyhow, it was wroght with problems, and I agree, he "choose" her side over mine because the consequences of dealing with her anger or upset as his wife was a lot harsher than dealing with mine, but in the process, I feel that he neglected his responsibility as the Dom in how he dealt with the release and it's impact on me (and his other subs), emotionally.

 

[A Desert Rose]

And for the subs:

What do you think you would need or expect from a dominant after the relationship is over, provided you are still speaking?

Ebony

Well, I have only had 2 Doms and both in my fairly recent past. One just left me. No explainations, no good byes. The other Dom and I had a 2 year relationship and it still drags on as an LDR.

I never expected anything from my Dom when the relationship was over. But your post made me see that there are caring Dom/mes out there. It has yet to be my luck to find one. It will happen, I believe eventually.

Thank you for this thread. I will keep following it, Eb.

 

[~Dream~]

what I would do..

First of all Eb.I think that was very sweet what you would do for your sub ,also very Caring ... that would definately score points in my eyes..

I Know I would be Devasated if something ever happened between Master and I to end the relationship and we kinda had a little wake up call just a week or so ago regarding that .. I have come to rely upon Him to satisfy alot of my needs as He also relies upon me to meet His.. I would hope that no natter what we would always be friendly and or civil with each other,we are both pretty adamant about the FACT that if something goes WRONG in this relationship ,we wll both be dying alone because we are NOT gonna seek another.. We FEEL we have found each other finally ,and neither is willing to let go ,I hope I stated *His* feelings accurately on this matter as I believe I have,I'm getting to know Him better everyday and respect Him more as my Dom and Love Him deeper as M'love..

I did have to take myself OUT Of an abusive realtionship with a self-professed online Dom before who was merely sexually exploiting me and that was no fun either as I had started developing feelings for Him but found Him out to be the DOG He really was,and dropped His ass lika hot potato..NO regets at all,I too will NOT tolerate Deceit ..at all..

 

[Ebonyfire]

Thanks to all who replied

I think my point is this; a dominant takes on an awesome responsibility when he or she brings a submissive under their protection. Not all relationships are romantic ones, but they have strong bonds nonetheless.

If a dominant is not willing to do all that is necessary to ensure his or her submissive is at least at the same emotional level he or she was before the relationship, and really it would be nice for the submissive to be better off if at all possible; perhaps he or she should re-think the relationship.

Being a dominant is a lot of work, if you don't want to do the work, then don't do it at all.

Ebony

 

[artful]

Re: what I would do..

First of all Eb.I think that was very sweet what you would do for your sub ,also very Caring ... that would definately score points in my eyes..

I Know I would be Devasated if something ever happened between Master and I to end the relationship and we kinda had a little wake up call just a week or so ago regarding that .. I have come to rely upon Him to satisfy alot of my needs as He also relies upon me to meet His.. I would hope that no natter what we would always be friendly and or civil with each other,we are both pretty adamant about the FACT that if something goes WRONG in this relationship ,we wll both be dying alone because we are NOT gonna seek another.. We FEEL we have found each other finally ,and neither is willing to let go ,I hope I stated *His* feelings accurately on this matter as I believe I have,I'm getting to know Him better everyday and respect Him more as my Dom and Love Him deeper as M'love..

I did have to take myself OUT Of an abusive realtionship with a self-professed online Dom before who was merely sexually exploiting me and that was no fun either as I had started developing feelings for Him but found Him out to be the DOG He really was,and dropped His ass lika hot potato..NO regets at all,I too will NOT tolerate Deceit ..at all..

Dream,...your post was correct, and expressed my thoughts well. I would add also, if my slave ever NEEDED to be released, I would release her. There may well be, OTHER situations that would warrant release, other than deceiptfulness.

To name a couple of them, if I thought she was jeapordizing her emotional, mental, or physical well being by continueing in the relationship.

If I thought our relationship was causing, irreparable harm to her underage children, and I could NOT correct the condition. If I saw where there was no forward progress in our relationship.

If she WANTED to be free of the relationship, for any reason. I would discuss it openly with her, and if I thought they were VALID reasons,...I would be as helpful as possible, in enabling her to make the transition.

 

[SexyChele]

Re: Thanks to all who replied

I think my point is this; a dominant takes on an awesome responsibility when he or she brings a submissive under their protection. Not all relationships are romantic ones, but they have strong bonds nonetheless.

If a dominant is not willing to do all that is necessary to ensure his or her submissive is at least at the same emotional level he or she was before the relationship, and really it would be nice for the submissive to be better off if at all possible; perhaps he or she should re-think the relationship.

Being a dominant is a lot of work, if you don't want to do the work, then don't do it at all.

Ebony

You know, sometimes I think we all think each of us has the harder job, the bigger responsibility. I certainly thought so regarding being a submissive.

I'm glad there are Dom/mes on this board who are willing to truly open up about what they feel, how they handle disappointments and frustrations. It has made me realize that they do, indeed, have just as hard a job as subs in making a relationship work. But the responsibility is far beyond what I would have imagined just a few months ago, before I actively began my search.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Thanks to all who replied

You know, sometimes I think we all think each of us has the harder job, the bigger responsibility. I certainly thought so regarding being a submissive.

I'm glad there are Dom/mes on this board who are willing to truly open up about what they feel, how they handle disappointments and frustrations. It has made me realize that they do, indeed, have just as hard a job as subs in making a relationship work. But the responsibility is far beyond what I would have imagined just a few months ago, before I actively began my search.

Chele, I am speaking of ongoing relationships. In my experience, the more time is spent with a submissive, the more work and stress is involved with keeping him occupied.

There is the expectation that the Domme will be in charge, control the activities, rituals, and tasks put before him.

I am always exhausted when a sub leaves. However, I am still looking forward to being with my slave 24/7. I am gonna need better vitamins.

Eb

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Re: Re: What do you do when it is over?

I feel that he neglected his responsibility as the Dom in how he dealt with the release and it's impact on me (and his other subs), emotionally.

I can't argue with you there. I think there is a lesson in this for others who are thinking of joining a poly household.

Eb

 

[artful]

I can't argue with you there. I think there is a lesson in this for others who are thinking of joining a poly household.

Eb

Sis,...once again I agree with your stated opinion. I think poly relationships are workable for few people. I would never attempt it again, but that doesn't mean I *think* it is WRONG.

 

[Goddess Helena]

What would I do when the time comes to release my boy?
I will try to put aside my feelings to ensure that our friendship survives. To try and help him find a new place if that is his wish.
I have a bond with my boy that will survive the end of our relationship. He will always be my boy and he knows that he may call upon me should he require my aid. Now or after the end of our time together.
Ebony, I think you are doing a wonderful thing for your glennie.


Helena

 

[~Dream~]

Re: Re: what I would do..

Dream,...your post was correct, and expressed my thoughts well. I would add also, if my slave ever NEEDED to be released, I would release her. There may well be, OTHER situations that would warrant release, other than deceiptfulness.

To name a couple of them, if I thought she was jeapordizing her emotional, mental, or physical well being by continueing in the relationship.

If I thought our relationship was causing, irreparable harm to her underage children, and I could NOT correct the condition. If I saw where there was no forward progress in our relationship.

If she WANTED to be free of the relationship, for any reason. I would discuss it openly with her, and if I thought they were VALID reasons,...I would be as helpful as possible, in enabling her to make the transition.

____________________

I'm wondering when this HELP he publicly offered me will start hmm?

 

[Ebonyfire]

What would I do when the time comes to release my boy?
I will try to put aside my feelings to ensure that our friendship survives. To try and help him find a new place if that is his wish.
I have a bond with my boy that will survive the end of our relationship. He will always be my boy and he knows that he may call upon me should he require my aid. Now or after the end of our time together.
Ebony, I think you are doing a wonderful thing for your glennie.


Helena

he is a very good boy, and he served me well. My daughter even likes him!

Eb

 

[~Dream~]

Goddess ..

What would I do when the time comes to release my boy?
I will try to put aside my feelings to ensure that our friendship survives. To try and help him find a new place if that is his wish.
I have a bond with my boy that will survive the end of our relationship. He will always be my boy and he knows that he may call upon me should he require my aid. Now or after the end of our time together.
Ebony, I think you are doing a wonderful thing for your glennie.


Helena

__________________
I was wrongfully told that Artful and I had that SAME kind of BOND , he has proven to me and ALOT of others ,people who truly care about us both, by His Actions and lack of being here for me to help with the 'transition" that He indeed is NOT a man of His word,whether people here like it or not is irrelevant it is in the TRUTH the TRUTH i live with but perhaps even GREATER things await me,as I am not gonna shut myself off or out from ANY possibilities that arise ,I DESERVE BETTER than that..Artful was the best thing that ever happened to me but since it was HIS choice and NOT mine to end it ,that just proves to me that He Himself didnt think HE was the best for ME ,So i'll HURT like hell,heal and then begin my search anew..