What do I do?

[qrayze]

I had a blind date for valentines and while the guy is really sweet, he and I are just so fundamentally different that I know it would never work out between us. He told me he wanted to go on more dates with me, but I told I would rather just be friends. And I also gave him the reasons why, and he understood...I think. The problem is, whenever we hang out, it feels like a date. He's let me know numerous times that he's attracted to me, maybe that's why? I don't know, I don't want to lead him on, but at the same time, it's been nice having someone in the real world to hang out with.

The plot thickens...He has two houses on his land, and while he lives in one, he's wanting to rent the other one out. It also happens that I've been looking for a bigger place so my daughter could have her own room, and the rent he wants is very reasonable and in my price range. I think it's weird tho to have a friend as a landlord too, and he doesn't require a deposit or lease..or credit check! I'm not sure if this guy is just super lonely or if he is and is also hoping the two of us could get together someday. And what will happen once he realizes that I'm not going to "cave" and date him? If I'm not in a lease, then he could just kick me out.

Sry that I haven't exactly been completely clear, but I need advice. Thanks

 

[silverwhisper]

i have 2 questions:

1. has he continued to let you know he's still attracted ever since you said to him platonic-only?

2. in what ways are you so fundamentally different, at least broadly speaking?

here's what i think:

a. friends & business rarely combine well for long.
b. he's already expressed a romantic (or just sexual?) interest in you and he might take this as a sign of hope.
c. as the landlord, he'd have keys to your home if you decided to live there. are you sure you'd be OK with that?

ed

 

[qrayze]

1. yes

2. well, at first, it was just religion, which, yeah, is a big deal to me, but then, the more we talk, it's like we're complete opposites. We're at opposite ends of politics too.

As friends, none of this matters, but I've always thought you shouldn't date who you don't want to marry.

a. you're right, I've thought about asking for a lease-type contract from him if I do decide to rent
b. right again, one of the things he's hoping for is that I would be able to hang out with him more
c. that's one of the things I'm worried about too. I haven't known him long enough to trust him that much, but I have to wait at least three months before I could move anyways, so it's not like I'm gonna move in next week.

 

[culloden]

Sounds like trouble brewing. And it sounds like you already know this. Trust your gut.

 

[blueberree]

He is likely hoping you'll go along

Sometimes people hope they can wear down the object of their affection.

Hanging out with him even as friends gives him hope that he can win you over.

You moving into the empty house near his could be seen by him as evidence that you are just shy.

Plus, the part about him having a key is a valid worry.

 

[SweetErika]

I have nothing much to add other than echoing others' concerns and advice to trust your intuition. This sounds like a situation that's perfectly ripe for major problems, from hurt feelings to a one-way fare to Stalkersville, or worse. I nice guys in general, but many of the ones who seem the nicest at first are the creepiest or scariest underneath that facade (fortunately, they usually give away some clues, like seeming too good to be true, pushing for what they want, showing inconsistencies, etc.)

If this guy isn't picking up what you're putting down, or you have any bad feelings about him, I'd suggest disentangling yourself from him nicely and reasonably quickly. You're a smart, diplomatic lady from what I've seen here, so I have no doubt you'll be able to come up with something that will accomplish your goal(s) regarding this relationship.

Do yourself and your daughter a huge favor by using the next few months to save what you'll need for a new place and look for one within your price range. Depending on how the rental market is in your area, you might be able to negotiate some of the terms of the deposit, rent and lease. Like maybe you could do some reasonable labor on the property or figure out some other trade for a break on the rent, offer references and a credit check in lieu of a larger deposit, etc. Some landlords are just happy to get whatever income they can and have their places kept up while they're waiting the market out, so hopefully you'll be able to find something that's really great for you and your daughter!

 

[sarika5000]

I presume u r alone with a daughter. It is better for u to move to his place on lease and keep relationship with him without any commitments. Make it clear to him with u r with him for only fun (sex) sack. No moral commitments, and enjot the fun.

 

[subwannabe]

The rent is higher than you think. Don't do it.

 

[qrayze]

The potential stalker thing does kinda scare me, but I've been in that situation before, so I know how to handle it.

So far, I've known this guy for exactly one week, and we've hung out 3 times; going to again today. Gah, how do I say this? um...okay, I am a very sexual person, even tho I'm celibate, and my mind is perverted as ever. That being said, it is almost impossible for me to talk with someone without the conversation ending up in the gutter...usually with humor. So, he and I have this kind of flirtatous banter going on, but he hasn't made any move, verbal or physical, to try to take things further. He told me in a text that he was scared I would slap him if he tried to hug me, lol, I texted him back and said "good".

Also, he just went thru a divorce a month ago, so I know what he's going thru...it's about the only thing he and I do have in common, that, and we both like comedies.

He did say that if I want some kind of lease/contract thing done up, he wouldn't mind doing it, so I think that's a good sign.

I think the more I get to know him, the less freaked out I'll be. I've told my mom about the house, and I told her about the blind date, I just haven't told her that it's the same guy because I know she'll think I'm screwing him.

 

[culloden]

I think the more I get to know him, the less freaked out I'll be.

Could be. Could also be you're rationalizing because the rental deal seems so good...

 

[subwannabe]

I just gotta say one more time in different words: Don't do it. O.K. - maybe they are the same words. There are so many things that can happen here I would have to take off my shoes to count them. I'm telling you right now that he isn't going to be able to handle you finding Mr. Right and bringing him home to "your" house, God forbid, the guy maybe even moving in with you. And, Mr. Right isn't going to be able to understand your relationship with this guy. In fact, maybe due to this situation you may never find Mr. Right. Of course you could always move out (if you didn't have a lease) but, maybe you are different than me. I absolutely hate moving and I would hate it even more if I did all that work moving and then had to turn around and move right back out a few months later. I think you're trying to take the easy way out and jumping on a great deal when that carrot is dangling in your face but in the long run, or even the short run, it will most likely be waaaay more trouble than it was worth.

 

[qrayze]

Could be. Could also be you're rationalizing because the rental deal seems so good...

I know...I've been trying to decide what is what.

My main motivation is my daughter having her own room; she's not a baby/todler anymore, she deserves to have her own space. More than anything, I want to be able to provide that for her.

The reason I have to wait three months is because the state I live in requires a parent who shares custody to file a letter with the court at least 90 days before the day I move. So, trying to find a place to rent where the landlord is willing to wait 90 days for me to move in is near impossible, especially in the lower income areas.

I'm going to look at the house again on Saturday, and probably write out a whole list of pros and cons, and go over it with my parents. Also gonna have another talk with this guy about "if we never get together, would you be fine with that"

wish me luck >.<






ps. thanks for all the thoughtful replys so far; it really means a lot to me that you guys took the time to respond to my thread

 

[culloden]

I know...I've been trying to decide what is what.

My main motivation is my daughter having her own room; she's not a baby/todler anymore, she deserves to have her own space. More than anything, I want to be able to provide that for her.

The reason I have to wait three months is because the state I live in requires a parent who shares custody to file a letter with the court at least 90 days before the day I move. So, trying to find a place to rent where the landlord is willing to wait 90 days for me to move in is near impossible, especially in the lower income areas.

I'm going to look at the house again on Saturday, and probably write out a whole list of pros and cons, and go over it with my parents. Also gonna have another talk with this guy about "if we never get together, would you be fine with that"

wish me luck >.<






ps. thanks for all the thoughtful replys so far; it really means a lot to me that you guys took the time to respond to my thread

Good luck. And never doubt your gut.

 

[qrayze]

So, I went to look at the house with my mom today...unless the dude fixes some serious things, there's no chance in hell I'd be moving there anyways, lol.

Um, things have gotten physical between me and him...can't help it, he's got a nice cock, and damn it, I was going on a six-month dry spell. It's not right going that long without cock, lol. He knows I don't have any feelings for him, and I also told him that I'm in love with another guy. (the australian dude, who, btw understands my physical needs so he's fine with it)

I guess "fuck-buddies" would be the technical term?

 

[culloden]

So, I went to look at the house with my mom today...unless the dude fixes some serious things, there's no chance in hell I'd be moving there anyways, lol.

Um, things have gotten physical between me and him...can't help it, he's got a nice cock, and damn it, I was going on a six-month dry spell. It's not right going that long without cock, lol. He knows I don't have any feelings for him, and I also told him that I'm in love with another guy. (the australian dude, who, btw understands my physical needs so he's fine with it)

I guess "fuck-buddies" would be the technical term?

Sounds like a good solution. This way, you and your daughter don't face the potential of being trapped in a bad living situation. Plus, you're gettin' some. How good is that?

 

[qrayze]

Plus, you're gettin' some. How good is that?

It's awesome! ^_^