What Are You Thinking? Continued 14

[Mrtenant]

I will hold a mirror or a whiskey and toast to a good person and friend.

You are the one of the sweetest people I've met on Lit. Thank you.

 

[Desiree_Radcliffe]

Well, it is always going to be completely subjective. I am pretty sure the most callous jerk thinks they are empathetic and everyone else is too sensitive, if they think of others at all. But they think they are being reflective and conscious enough. So any scale, if it is to be useful, would be how you think you are doing at that moment. Everyone is the hero of their own story, so where I can look at someone's post and think "how could that asshole do that?" they believe they are justified with their actions.

I am not going to speak for you in your musings, but I think the point that you become aware enough to take accountability for what you do is the beginnings of what you call "self-aware." (I prefer Camus' "conscious," but that is more comfortable terminology than a difference.)

I disagree with that. Some people consider themselves villains in their own story.

And that's fair. I just meant that I wasn't talking in terms of human/AI, and I am not in a very humorous mood at the moment, so I apologize for being a bit not nice.

 

[Desiree_Radcliffe]

CCG, my friend, we have all made such mistakes.

I dislike the trendy group ones the most. How can people just jump on the bandwagon of disrespecting someone they don't even know. Happens a lot. Happens here on Lit all too often.

I have learned, that one must make these mistakes to learn true self awareness. And, your true friends, will call you out on it when warranted even as I would.

Doesn't make us not friends. We just deserve better from each other.

So much this. So, so much this. I don't understand why people like to dogpile on people here. Of all places to be super judgmental in a group.

 

[MindYaBitness]

I mean, yeah. I was just kind of wondering what the baseline of being reflective and conscious of how you affect or hurt other people is for most people. No one is perfect, of course. I'm just curious where most people are in terms of that. It was literally just something I was thinking about...

Edited to add that it wasn't a snipe at anyone at all. It's just something I've been pondering off and on for years.

I think you have to work at it. I'm quite extraverted & gregarious. Quieter, more introverted people are easily intimidated, and not without good reason. I can be a steamroller. I have learned to reign it in over the years, take a moment to read people & match their energy rather than bust in like a bull in a China shop.

 

[UnquietDreams]

I disagree with that. Some people consider themselves villains in their own story.

And that's fair. I just meant that I wasn't talking in terms of human/AI, and I am not in a very humorous mood at the moment, so I apologize for being a bit not nice.

I will counter disagree. For the most part, people who are playing the ass for the sake of doing so believe they are justified in it, one way or the other. Whether they think they are showing an uncomfortable truth, or defending themselves by vilifying others, or just amusing themselves, they think they are justified.

 

[Booboobear84]

Does anyone else use the “What’s New” and “your feed” space to see what’s going on and where the people you follow (AKA your friends) are posting and what’s going on?

Yup

 

[Desiree_Radcliffe]

PS: Thank you all for having conversation with me. It can be oddly difficult to strike up a conversation here that isn't just silly banter (not that that's bad). I appreciate you all and thanks for making me feel like less of a weirdo. Going to make grilled cheese now, I think.

 

[OrdinaryPerson]

I mean, yeah. I was just kind of wondering what the baseline of being reflective and conscious of how you affect or hurt other people is for most people. No one is perfect, of course. I'm just curious where most people are in terms of that. It was literally just something I was thinking about...

Edited to add that it wasn't a snipe at anyone at all. It's just something I've been pondering off and on for years.

I think everyone has feelings. That can't be helped, even if those feelings are not rational. What we can help is how those feelings affect others. Sometimes I let the best of my feelings get to me and I do things that are unkind. Like yell at my kids when I'm frustrated and upset. But I can reflect on it and apologize for those behaviors. We all do it, but I don't think having feelings is a good excuse to treat other people badly.

 

[MindYaBitness]

Then isn't that a bit of self awareness? Like, you learn from mistakes. That does require self awareness. If you weren't self aware, you wouldn't accept constructive criticism.

I also hurt people and don't understand how I do, sometimes. I think there is maybe a spectrum for different areas.

Spectrum? Yes, but it can also be especially difficult to navigate in places like this, where everything is in black & white, and read/received in whatever mood the reader is in. Plus, I have conversations in the threads, just like this one we're having, and forget that I've got a few stalkery folks that chose to make everything I wrote about them. It blows my mind. One even publicly lost his marbles a few months back. I'm grateful for good friends who can tell me when something I've written is misunderstood, or poorly received. And, for folks who DM me for clarification rather than assuming malice

 

[Desiree_Radcliffe]

I will counter disagree. For the most part, people who are playing the ass for the sake of doing so believe they are justified in it, one way or the other. Whether they think they are showing an uncomfortable truth, or defending themselves by vilifying others, or just amusing themselves, they think they are justified.

What I mean is that there are people (myself in particular) who think the other way around. Like, we think that we are awful people and don't deserve good things because we made past mistakes, because we have never been shown love, because we feel lonely, because we have had a lot of trauma. Like, while I may be very, very cognizant of a lot of my flaws, I am also not very aware of any good characteristics. That is what I mean when I say that some people think they are the villain.

 

[Desiree_Radcliffe]

Spectrum? Yes, but it can also be especially difficult to navigate in places like this, where everything is in black & white, and read/received in whatever mood the reader is in. Plus, I have conversations in the threads, just this one we're having, and forget that I've got a few stalkery folks that chose to make everything I wrote about them. It blows my mind. One even publicly lost his marbles a few months back. I'm grateful for good friends who can tell me when something I've written is misunderstood, or poorly received. And, for folks who DM me for clarification rather than assuming malice

Right. I mean a spectrum of self awareness. But I think that interacting in good faith is something that a lot of people online struggle with, on or off Lit. I struggle with it too, especially if I am in a bad mood, which is something that happens a lot, sadly. I try not to let it affect how I receive something, but it can make my reception of humor to be difficult.

 

[Desiree_Radcliffe]

I guess when you're only stuck with yourself for company 99% of the time, you start to overthink things like this. It's annoying to not be able to get out of that self-reflective state and talk to and help others, if that makes sense. I think, for me, my isolation just has a really bad toll.

 

[crazychemgirl]

What I mean is that there are people (myself in particular) who think the other way around. Like, we think that we are awful people and don't deserve good things because we made past mistakes, because we have never been shown love, because we feel lonely, because we have had a lot of trauma. Like, while I may be very, very cognizant of a lot of my flaws, I am also not very aware of any good characteristics. That is what I mean when I say that some people think they are the villain.

Do you ever ruminate on ALL the times you had a negative interaction and hurt someone’s feelings … even YEARS later and it actually keeps you up at night.

I do this.

 

[crazychemgirl]

I guess when you're only stuck with yourself for company 99% of the time, you start to overthink things like this. It's annoying to not be able to get out of that self-reflective state and talk to and help others, if that makes sense. I think, for me, my isolation just has a really bad toll.

I would go insane if I was left to my own self and thoughts that much. Truly.

 

[Desiree_Radcliffe]

Do you ever ruminate on ALL the times you had a negative interaction and hurt someone’s feelings … even YEARS later and it actually keeps you up at night.

I do this.

Yessssssssss. I was literally just thinking about something cringe that happened a few years ago, while I was at a religious retreat. Sometimes one will lead to another and then you're just left with a montage of all the awful things you have done ever that people probably don't remember.

 

[Desiree_Radcliffe]

I would go insane if I was left to my own self and thoughts that much. Truly.

I am honestly surprised I am not worse off than I am.

 

[Mrtenant]

What I mean is that there are people (myself in particular) who think the other way around. Like, we think that we are awful people and don't deserve good things because we made past mistakes, because we have never been shown love, because we feel lonely, because we have had a lot of trauma. Like, while I may be very, very cognizant of a lot of my flaws, I am also not very aware of any good characteristics. That is what I mean when I say that some people think they are the villain.

I can connect with this. I have been the villain plenty. It's a difficult headspace to be in and come out the other side. Not impossible, though.

 

[MindYaBitness]

CCG, my friend, we have all made such mistakes.

I dislike the trendy group ones the most. How can people just jump on the bandwagon of disrespecting someone they don't even know. Happens a lot. Happens here on Lit all too often.

I have learned, that one must make these mistakes to learn true self awareness. And, your true friends, will call you out on it when warranted even as I would have them call me out as well.

Doesn't make us not friends. We just deserve better from each other.

Having been the recipient of a bunch of folks who haven't ever, or only casually, interacted with me, and didn't know the full history of the situation, piling on and justifying my public censure was really eye opening as to how pack mentality can run this place.

If I'm not directly involved in something, I'm not going to comment publicly. And, sometimes, it's best to walk away and make liberal use of the ignore feature

 

[Desiree_Radcliffe]

I can connect with this. I have been the villain plenty. It's a difficult headspace to be in and come out the other side. Not impossible, though.

I hope that things get better for you. Thank you for sharing that. I appreciate it.

 

[Desiree_Radcliffe]

(I swear I am getting a grilled cheese and a shower...)

 

[crazychemgirl]

Yessssssssss. I was literally just thinking about something cringe that happened a few years ago, while I was at a religious retreat. Sometimes one will lead to another and then you're just left with a montage of all the awful things you have done ever that people probably don't remember.

Yes … omg.

This is why I need to put my iPad on to fall asleep at night. Otherwise it’s just a movie of my bad decisions

 

[UnquietDreams]

Do you ever ruminate on ALL the times you had a negative interaction and hurt someone’s feelings … even YEARS later and it actually keeps you up at night.

I do this.

Yes. I have told you my existential dreads. That is a fuel for that engine.

 

[UnquietDreams]

(I swear I am getting a grilled cheese and a shower...)

Maybe a nice cup of tea. That always helps me.

 

[Deleted member 6808749]

Maybe a nice cup of tea. That always helps me.

Or we could go down the Winchester and wait for it to all blow over.

 

[Secretintoelderly]

Maybe a nice cup of tea. That always helps me.

And maybe a little sweet. A piece of chocolate, and taste it mindfully as if it’s something completely new.
Really hope it helps for you, even if just a fraction of a percent.