what am i doing wrong

[undertaker_sean]

i need advice...
I am having a problem finding a gf right now, and i dont know what i am doing wrong, i mean i am nice, i am not threatening in any way, and it boggles me as to why i cant find a gf. i wish somone could diagnose me, by like asking questions or somthing like that, or maybe if i had a dating coach or somthing. I have been lurking around on this site for a lil while now and i figure now i should try to put it to some use and see if there is anyone here who can help me out.

ask me stuff, coach me, tell me what i am doing wrong, or just tell me that the world is that fucked up... I just want to know...

 

[undertaker_sean]

maybe i should bump this now durring the daylight hours, se if anyone is willing to help

 

[TheEscapist]

Well, before we can tell what you're doing wrong, we have to know what you're doing. Period. How are you going about getting dates? What is your approach? Your philosophy? Your choice of setting? Details, man, give us something to work with here!

Also, the absolute first thing you need to do is stop talking to girls about how you can't get a girlfriend. This is extremely important. Complaining that women don't find you attractive or aren't interested in you is BY FAR the least attractive and interesting thing you can do. Proving that you have female friends proves that you have value to other women, and therefore improves your overall perceived value. If necessary, fake it until you make it.

 

[heartforhire]

Deleted

 

[undertaker_sean]

well, i prefer dating sites, i dont have courage enouh to go out to bars or clubs, and thats probly one of my greatest downfalls. I have alot of online friends who are girls, and co-worker friends who are girls and all of them seem to tell me the same thing, that i am not doing anything wrong but that the women in the area i live in are all messed up in the head. I personaly think its my size that most women dont go for, even though i have lost alot of weight since the last time i was slammed for being fat, its like its not enough. Like i said, i go to dating sites, and i should also mention that looks are not my thing, its attitude, intelegence, and music interest that i mainly go for. the reason i started this thread was because i was talking to a woman (who most men would pass up because of her looks) and she seemed to me like the kind of girl i would date, she is smart, loves my music, and even plays world of warcraft like me, so i sent her an e-mail, and got a reply back of her laughing at me and telling me that she would never date me because 1 i was to big for her, 2 i wasnt good looking enough, and 3 she didnt like my "style". i am a nice guy, i am passive, i dont like violence or confrontation... thats my style, so what i got from that is that i am fat, ugly, and to sissy to be datable

 

[undertaker_sean]

I do not mean to sound harsh. Please understand that. I think part of the problem is you asking questions like this in the first place. Women value above all else confidence. The minute you question why you are not good enough, you devalue who you are. Women will pick up on that instantaneously. You need to go about your life, and be confident. The rest will come with mutual interests and time. You will never find a GF sitting at home on the computer, not talking to women face to face.

women seem to think they can sit at home and talk on the puter and be fine, in my town the bars are all a sausage fest

 

[heartforhire]

Deleted

 

[noisymother]

All three of my kids met their partners online . . . two of the relationships are 4 years and 5 years in duration - one is brand new.

People meet their partners in bars also - and other places - it seems to me to be a pretty hit and miss business.

Not all women value confidence above all else . . .

I'm good at criticizing - but not so good at coming up with suggestions of my own though . . .

wishing you luck, sean

 

[heartforhire]

Deleted

 

[Anais75]

" (who most men would pass up because of her looks)"

This line gave me pause.... You didn't actually imply that to her, did you? Because if a man even thought that about me, a swift kick to the knee would be my gentlest reaction . The equivalent of saying "No other man will have you, but I think you're pretty swell in spite of your looks!" *ha ha* As you seem sweet, I'm going to assume that's not what you meant, but still... Wow. Poor choice of words, Tiger.

Anyway, yes, confidence is key. How is she supposed to believe you are the coolest if you don't? Not to the point of arrogance, of course, just a firm sense of your own self-worth. And if one says no, the next might say yes, so don't lose hope if it's slow to start. It only takes one to be right, you know? Just my two cents. And yes, bars bad/Match good. Allows you to establish a intellectual connection first - I think that might be the most comfortable start, don't you?

Good luck & godspeed, Sean.

 

[Firebrain]

Get counselling. If you feel shit about yourself, a relationship is not a good idea; a girlfriend will not 'fix' you (nor will just a friend, for that matter). You need to get to the root of the problem and the easiest way to do that is therapy. The girlfriend will come later, when you are secure in yourself.

 

[undertaker_sean]

thank you all for the advice, i am soaking it in like a sponge, my confidence is not the issue though, i like myself alot, and no i dont need counseling on making myself feel better about myself, i think its just this town, ocala florida in genral, the women here like a guy who has a bank roll, or who sells drugs, or has a awsome car, i have none of those things, but what i can say i have that most guys in my town cant say is i have a job, and i live in a stable enviroment, no record, i am not violent, and no baby-momma-drama lol

 

[maria40]

thank you all for the advice, i am soaking it in like a sponge, my confidence is not the issue though, i like myself alot, and no i dont need counseling on making myself feel better about myself, i think its just this town, ocala florida in genral, the women here like a guy who has a bake roll, or who sells drugs, or has a awsome car, i have none of those things, but what i can say i have that most guys in my town cant say is i have a job, and i live in a stable enviroment, no record, i am not violent, and no baby-momma-drama lol

My two sense, Look I don't know the neighborhood your in so i can't comment about the people. It seems to me that the problem isn't you. They have dating online services, church, hell even shopping centers. If you can't find a good women in your area look in another.

 

[gloriann]

Nothing wrong with meeting people online, I did, although I wasn't searching for a partner, it did end up that way.

However, my advice: get involved in something, an activity, club, hobby, something you do to be around other people who like doing that thing too. If nothing else, maybe you'll have fun doing your thing and stop worrying about it so much. Relax, and she'll find you when it's time.

 

[draconus_infernus]

Maybe you're trying too hard. When my wife and I hooked up, neither one of us was looking for a partner. It just kind of happened. When I met her we were both freshmen in college and looking for new friends. That was back in 1995, and we've been inseperable ever since.

However, my advice: get involved in something, an activity, club, hobby, something you do to be around other people who like doing that thing too. If nothing else, maybe you'll have fun doing your thing and stop worrying about it so much. Relax, and she'll find you when it's time.

This is really good advice. Go out, meet new people and have fun. Make new friends. You never know what can come of it. At the very least you'll meet new people who enjoy the same things you do.

 

[KRcowboy66]

Every relationship I've ever been in happened by accident. Including my current one, which has been going on for 16 years.

This might sound like weird advice, but just give up. Resign yourself to being happy with and by yourself. Do what you want to do, when you want to do it.

Live your life.

In so doing, you are much more likely to stumble across someone you "click" with.

One woman who responded earlier said that confidence isn't the key. I think she meant arrogance. Confidence is clearly the sexiest thing we men have going for us.

I'm a good-looking guy. Sorry if that sounds conceited, but it's been made pretty clear to me over the years. The only reason I bring it up is that during times in my life when I was "needy" I couldn't get a date to save my life.

All of us have seen people we deem unattractive who are in loving, secure relationships. Appearance doesn't matter. There is someone out there for everyone.

Just do your thing and be happy in your own skin.

 

[hellguy]

Maybe you're trying too hard. When my wife and I hooked up, neither one of us was looking for a partner. It just kind of happened. When I met her we were both freshmen in college and looking for new friends. That was back in 1995, and we've been inseperable ever since.

That's how it was with my wife and I. I know lots of people that "stopped" looking and found someone.

My dad said once that if you aren't happy with yourself then how can you expect some else to happy with you.

That's probably the only good advice he ever gave.

 

[Tawny_Temptress]

well, i prefer dating sites, i dont have courage enouh to go out to bars or clubs, and thats probly one of my greatest downfalls. I have alot of online friends who are girls, and co-worker friends who are girls and all of them seem to tell me the same thing, that i am not doing anything wrong but that the women in the area i live in are all messed up in the head. I personaly think its my size that most women dont go for, even though i have lost alot of weight since the last time i was slammed for being fat, its like its not enough. Like i said, i go to dating sites, and i should also mention that looks are not my thing, its attitude, intelegence, and music interest that i mainly go for. the reason i started this thread was because i was talking to a woman (who most men would pass up because of her looks) and she seemed to me like the kind of girl i would date, she is smart, loves my music, and even plays world of warcraft like me, so i sent her an e-mail, and got a reply back of her laughing at me and telling me that she would never date me because 1 i was to big for her, 2 i wasnt good looking enough, and 3 she didnt like my "style". i am a nice guy, i am passive, i dont like violence or confrontation... thats my style, so what i got from that is that i am fat, ugly, and to sissy to be datable

I like big guys, personally.

Dont let a few assholes shake your confidence. It sounds like you let strangers affect you too much.

 

[undertaker_sean]

~~~~~~~~~~~update~~~~~~~~~~~

I have found somone, her name is jen, she is a 34 year old woman who loves to go to disney (like me) loves my kind of music, and lives about 25 miles away, not to far, she has a job, and a car, and she is just what i was looking for. thank you guys for helping me, the advice payed off, i didnt look, she found me