Well OF COURSE she's got a boyfriend.

[human_male]

Things are just depressing sometimes. There's someone quite lovely at work that I thought might actually be interested in me. What normally happens at work is I go about my job and everyone totally ignores me. Sometimes I say hello to someone, sometimes someone says hello to me but normally it's like I'm not even there. She on the other hand always said hello to me. And in a pleasant sort of way, not in an off-hand sort of way where someone just says hello to be polite.

So one day I asked her how she was and she asked what my name was and we had a nice little chat. I was optimistic because she's moved to the city recently so I though she migh not have a boyfriend. So I was determined to ask her for coffee the next chance I got.

Since fate hates me, it was a couple of months before I saw her agian and we had a little chat. I asked her if she had a boyfriend back home (just casually working it into the conversation) and she (of couse) said she did. He's just finishing off his electronics degee or somesuch then he's moving up to live with her. Great isn't it?

Now I'm just totally depressed. I spent the last couple of months having this ridiculous argument with myself...

Well she must like me, she says hello to me every time she sees me.

Yeah but she's probably just being nice, she's probably like that with everyone and she's bound to have a boyfriend. They all have boyfriends.

Well maybe not, she's new in town.

It doesn't make any difference, and why would someone as gorgeous as her be interested in you anyway?

And blah blah blah, on and on like that.

Then I thought, well she might still like me even though she does have a bf, and even though nothing can happen that's still nice. Frustrating but nice. Then I though maybe I could still get to know her. I could still ask her out but just as friends.

So my question is (yes this wasn't just a rant, I do actually need advice) do you think she might like that, or do you think she'd be affronted because I know she's attached? And how would one put it "Would you like to, just as friends, go for coffee later?"

Many thanks for reading.

 

[elizabeth22673]

So my question is (yes this wasn't just a rant, I do actually need advice) do you think she might like that, or do you think she'd be affronted because I know she's attached? And how would one put it "Would you like to, just as friends, go for coffee later?"

Many thanks for reading.

I think absolutely you could ask her but will you get hurt? I mean if you truly just want to be friends ok but what if you get more and more attracted to her knowing in the back of your mind she is not available at this time.
just my $0.02.
Take Care..

 

[wicked woman]

I don't know why you wouldn't ask her to coffee. You could clearly use a friend...and there shouldn't be any doubt that's what you're suggesting because she's already told you she has a boyfriend. But Elizabeth is right...don't fantasize it into a gf/bf situation for the two of you. Nothing wrong with friends...they're valuable too. Very much so.

 

[vanelane]

As long as it's crystal clear in your mind that she's attached and so it truly would be just making a friend, go ahead. Just be sure you're not building up a fantasy in your mind that if she only gets to know you, she'll leave the boyfriend. Everyone can use more friends, and you never know what wonderful women you may meet when you're out with her showing her the sights!

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I agree with the other posts. I would also say that you should be looking to become friends with her bf when he turns up. You could meet other people through the both of them and you don't want him getting defensive by excluding him and only spending time with his gf - that'll get you in trouble.

Maybe she's got a sister she can invite to visit

Velvet

 

[eudaemonia]

I can only nod in complete argreement with ALL of the above, and I'd like to add one thing: The possibility of the self-fulfilling prophecy regarding "fate hating" you.

Hey man, I'm going through the very same issue: every guy I have had even a glimmer of interest in is married, engaged or seriously involved. Some days I just want to cry. By nature I'm optimistic but I would guess this stuff really gets you down because it sure as hell does for me.

Optimism can be learned, even if it's lacking in just some areas of your life. Since you're asking for advice I don't think I'm going wide of the mark to suggest that learning some skills to build optimism could be very helpful. There's a book by Martin Seligman, former head of the American Psych Association, called Learned Optimism, which I found extremely enlightening. You might be able to look at sample pages on Amazon.com.

 

[wicked woman]

I can only nod in complete argreement with ALL of the above, and I'd like to add one thing: The possibility of the self-fulfilling prophecy regarding "fate hating you."

Hey man, I'm going through the very same issue: every guy I have had even a glimmer of interest in is married, engaged or seriously involved. Some days I just want to cry. By nature I'm optimistic but I would guess this stuff really gets you down because it sure as hell does for me.

Optimism can be learned, even if it's lacking in just some areas of your life. Since you're asking for advice I don't think I'm going too far out on a limb to suggest mabye learning some skills to build optimism could be very helpful for you. There's a book by Martin Seligman, former head of the American Psych Association, called Learned Optimism, which I found extremely enlightening. You might be able to look at sample pages on Amazon.com.

good comment eudaemonia...negativity in abundance is not attractive for someone wanting a healthy relationship.

 

[Goddess68]

I agree with the other posts. I would also say that you should be looking to become friends with her bf when he turns up. You could meet other people through the both of them and you don't want him getting defensive by excluding him and only spending time with his gf - that'll get you in trouble.

Maybe she's got a sister she can invite to visit

Velvet

You should ask her out for coffee. Better yet when you get to know the bf maybe he has a sister

Good luck

 

[emap]

Human, perhaps you can use her as a means of killing two birds with one stone. Be friendly with her, go to movies and such with her at least while her boyfriend is away, she needs a companion to after all. And have her help you do up personals, newspaper and online, granted you would have to pay for one and would take a while to find someone worthwhile, but it would happen, she would help you do it faster since she is a woman and can give you insight into the reactions of a woman to what you place in your profile or ad.

Besides, she has just moved into the city, I've been there, you tend to latch onto the first person who is remotely interesting and ride on their coattails until you learn the city and find your own places to go.

Oh no I'm not saying your only remotely interesting, just a general statement, besides he is probably an outgoing gal and probably has made some friends already, getting to be friends with women single or otherwise is always a good idea, we always know single women.

 

[cordite]

Lots of good advice in this thread -- particularly about being clear with yourself.

But to answer this specific question:

So my question is (yes this wasn't just a rant, I do actually need advice) do you think she might like that, or do you think she'd be affronted because I know she's attached?

It really depends on the person. My partner's always in the position of being propositioned so she's quite wary when approached like this. I know of female friends who would be quite the opposite. There's really no telling to be honest...

 

[Mr. Mann]

Be a nice guy.

Yeah, how's that working for you so far?

Do you want her, or not?

If you want her and are attracted to her, then go for it. Who cares if she has a BF, you are better than he is, right?

There is an attraction there and she has told you her boyfriend is out of town for a long time. This means she is at least temporarily available to you. If you do get involved, you should be ready to get moved aside once BF joins her; or be ready to "be the bad guy" causing her to break up with him.

She isn't married. You aren't doing anything wrong by presenting her with options.
She's a grown up and can make her own decisions.

If she shoots you down, hey... you're living your life.

If you really want to "Just Be Friends"... then go ahead on. Your choice.

 

[human_male]

Well, I asked and she said yes. We're having coffee next week. It's weird, I didn't think about it at all, it just slipped out, smooth and natural as anything. If I'd thought about it I doubt I would have done it... the boyfriend and everything. Plus if it doesn't work out it might be kinda awkward seeing her every day. Part of me thinks I may have made a mistake. It's not that I've changed my mind about her, she's lovely (and hawt). I don't know what's the matter with me. Maybe it's just nervs.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Congrats!

Hope it goes well.

 

[LaDy MiSeRy]

u shouldnt have waited 2 months to talk 2 her again. if u really liked her u could just im her or something

 

[human_male]

u shouldnt have waited 2 months to talk 2 her again. if u really liked her u could just im her or something

Well like I said, it was a couple of months before I saw her again and had the opportunity. Mostly when I see her it's just passing in the hall on her way out, and there's usually people around.

 

[human_male]

Our coffee date's tomorrow and I'm bulk stressed about it. Does anyone ever feel like they could just get the first date over with?

 

[pleasteasme]

Our coffee date's tomorrow and I'm bulk stressed about it. Does anyone ever feel like they could just get the first date over with?

Good for you! Don't be nervous, be yourself and it will all work out. Good luck and tell us how it goes

 

[Râleclins]

Our coffee date's tomorrow and I'm bulk stressed about it. Does anyone ever feel like they could just get the first date over with?

You lucky you ! You've got all to win and nothing to lose !
In the worst case, you'll stay friends, because she obviously likes hanging around with you.

 

[human_male]

Well, she showed up, which is good. It was nice. We talked about her work and how she was finding living in Auckland and small talk like that. She mentioned her bf is coming up to live with her soon and if I'm totally honest with myself I can't say that it doesn't bother me. I tried to convince myself that I'd be happy just being friends, and I would at first. But if there was no chance of anything happening beyond that then I don't think I want to go down that road. Plus she has a hectic schedule and isn't going to have time for me with the bf on top of that. I don't want to just use her to meet her single friends either so I guess I'll just chalk it up to experience.

Thanks for the encouragement everyone.