Well, it's out in the open now

[madetotakeit]

Just as I am coming to terms with my submissiveness. (Although that almost makes it sound negative. This is definitely not negative!) I get to enjoy the grand experience of "outing" myself to my roommate. Oh, it wasn't intentional, far from it. I knew that I would eventually have to. Either that or I would have to officially become the clumsiest person in the world! I was just hoping I could put it off until say a few years down the road, or at least until I could explain it to myself!

I had kind of an emotional night on Thursday. Questions zooming through my head. Thoughts of where I am mentally, emotionally. Giving serious attention to how certain actions, words have effected me. Where I wanted to go from here, doubts. It was a veritable cluster inside my head! So I started writing things down. Trying to put some order into the chaos. These notes are kind of a snapshot of the big picture. Many of these ended up in my first post.

When I was finally able to make it into the safety and security of my house, I ran to the computer and logged on here to post. I reread my musings and typed like a maniac. I posted, read some wonderful words of wisdom, followed links that were suggested and had a conversation with someone very dear to me. After a 12 hour shift plus four hours of helping an agency with promotions testing and sitting at the computer for a few hours, I was a wee bit on the tired side. 24 hours after waking up, I went to chat with my roommate since he had finally crawled out of bed.

Two hours or so later I open my eyes. I'm laying on the couch and face to face with my chow who is enthusiastically wagging her tail in greeting. I stumble into the computer room to check email and see an ashtray with my roommate's butts sitting on top of my notes! Face up, can't miss 'em. HOLYCRAP! My heart is in my throat and I am feeling somewhat nauseous. I'm am still dealing with me , now I have to address this with someone who I have never discussed this with even in passing? I was turning red with the humiliation of having my private thoughts read. How was I going to act normally after knowing he saw in my own handwriting my giddiness at embracing my sub side? Anticipation of things to come? All that icky emotional stuff that was in black and white? Thankfully I didn't write down all of the things I thought about and look forward to!

I was given the advice (instruction? hmmm? Hadn't thought about that.) to ask if he read it and see if he had any questions. Made sense. It would be a little hard to coexist without any eye contact or sentences longer than three words! I woke up the next morning and broached the subject. "Did you...read the things I had written on the papers in the computer room?" "No" ***whew***"Why, what was on them?"***oh crap*** Why didn't I think if he hadn't read them he would ask what was there? This is now officially the most embarrassing thing I have been through! Heat seeking missiles would be guided directly to my face. I waited for the earth to split open and swallow me whole. No assistance there, now I have to talk. So I did. I stumbled at first, lots of pauses and "umm's" But I did it.

Granted, I gave him the Cliff's Notes version. No way was I going to give him the really personal stuff. I waited. I squirmed. I wished to be any place but that place at that time. And he said, "Apparently that's really common now. It's very organized with meetings and everything." He even told me which gay club the munches are held (He called them meetings. Made me chuckle. Like everyone would be sitting around in their favorite attire as the minutes from the last meeting are read!) His world and our world are very accepting and tolerant of each other.

I feel good. Not only have I admitted this to myself, but I have admitted it to someone who is like my brother. Bonus, now I don't have to come up with ever increasingly bizarre explanations if I start receiving packages in plain brown wrappers! No trying to explain I am the clumsiest person in the world if I come home with physical reminders of wonderful times!

How did you come out the first time? Was it intentional? How did it go? Is it easier the second time around?

(Better Homburg and Furryfury? I can use paragraph breaks, I can use paragraph breaks, I can...)

 

[Chicklet]

To be perfectly honest there's been no real 'coming out' experience for me. My sexuality is a part of me, and any time it's come up I've been open about who I am and what my desires are.

About a year and a half ago when I moved into a new house, I *was* a little nervous about officially breaking the news to the brand new roommates, who I hadn't exactly opened up to about it. But, in the interview process, we hadn't really discussed sex past the point that the house echoed quite a bit, and that they didn't want my boyfriend *living* with me. Made sense.

But, I don't have a bag that fits my crops and canes... so, when I moved in, everybody got to see a big armful of those move in, lol...

Later one of my roommates opened up to me about *her* sexual quirks - I was moving in to replace her and her husband's girlfriend, who'd broken it off with them and moved out. That sparked a discussion about sexuality and I ended up showing her all my toys.

When I got my first beating in the house the next weekend, everybody was ready for it It worked out pretty well.

I think most things do get easier if you do them enough.

 

[sexycaz22]

I was a little drunk when I first revealed that I had a "kinky" side to one of my really closest friends and she happened to be my part-time flatmate, so it worked out well. She is comfortable with me leaving books around and some toys laying around, and with me browsing the bdsm dating sites etc.

We did talk more about my kinky side and how that I am very happy with who I am, she said she noticed that I was more happier and more confident, and now she knew why. *laughs* still, she is fine about it, and is really pleased for me.

My other friends or family doesn't know about it, and I see no need to reveal it to them...I think! *laughs*

But then who knows, that might change in the future.

 

[Yasashii_Kaze]

I wouldn't out to most people I know, but I had three very close friends that I knew needed to know, since they would be the ones in the best position to keep an eye on me. A was concerned and immediately began to study the lifestyle to see what I was getting into, C told me he had actually explored the leather world, and J was intrigued. A is now a Domme, C is a bottom, and J is trying to talk his husband into collaring him. It turned out we were all interested in the lifestyle and had just never mentioned it to each other because we were worried what the others might think. When I came out, it just snowballed.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I'm not much help as we are not bothered about letting others know as it is none of their business. There have been a couple of instances when people have commented on something they have usually sensed, and been trusted enough for him or I to verify their wonderings, but as far as deciding someone else needs to know, it doesn't happen as they don't need to know.

Catalina

 

[northwoods_sub]

I have come out to a few of my friends, those that I opened up to are ones who accepted me when I was outed as bi and I felt comfortable that they would accept me for who I am and realize that it didn't change me to be opening up to them.
I have a group of friends though that I haven't come out to. These are generally friends that I don't see all that regularly and I don't think they need to know. The same goes for my family. They don't need to know what I do in my own home, they wouldn't understand.

It was interesting with the friends that I did come out to, 1 is a Top/Domme and 1 leans more to the Dominant side with others but bottoms to his wife. It's amazing what you learn about people when you are willing to be open about yourself.

 

[SweetGigi]

feels good doesn't it?

I think everyone knows i'm a sub. even if its hasn't been discussed, i think its implied. I live a very retro lifestyle and idolize Victorian life. If people don't realize it or see it in me, then oh well.

 

[madetotakeit]

It's amazing what you learn about people when you are willing to be open about yourself.

What a great quote!

 

[HottieMama]

For me it's two different "coming outs."

i have no problem letting friends know that i like "kinky sex." Most of us are all on the "fringe" in some way, so it's very accepted and not frowned upon. When i discuss it though, i tend to discuss it in terms of behaviors/physical actions...i.e. "i like biting." i don't necessarily indicate if i like it from the Top or the bottom.

As for "coming out" as a submissive, my two closest friends know, by my choice, and some other people know from lurking here and reading posts. With my friends, it's been a completely positive experience. Like i said earlier, none of us are completely vanilla to begin with. With the others, it's been...well...interesting.

 

[BiBunny]

I must run with a strange crowd, but, I swear, even when I was owned, none of my friends even raised an eyebrow. I'm now the one they come to when they want advice or to borrow my sex toys.

My family doesn't discuss our sex lives, so that's not something I'm worried about. I have a feeling my mother knows more than she lets on, but that's what she gets for being nosy, IMO. She'll never actually *ask* me anything, I know.

 

[ecstaticsub]

The only people I have "come out" to are my husband and sister. I keep quiet about it out of respect for my husband and his career. My friends know I am highly sexual and was pretty "wild" in college, but they would go ape shit if they found out I was in a relationship with a married man--without even mentioning that I was a submissive. LOL, if my mother or either of my brothers ever found out that I met a man on the internet who I fly hrs to see and he ties me up, whips me, fucks me, shares me with his friends and he is a married and God forbid a Black man???? They would try to do an intervention, bring me to church, try to cure me or at least disown me.

I'm just going to keep my mouth shut about my sex life..

 

[Netzach]

I have a military friendly policy. If you ask I will tell you. Don't ask.

 

[JupitersGirl]

I have a military friendly policy. If you ask I will tell you. ...

But, in the main, I agree with Catalina. It's not really anyone's business but mine.

 

[littleone77]

Those who need to know do.

My closest friends know the bloody details of my personality however I tend to sugar coat according to what they can handle. Its much easier that way, not having to explain what you really cannot to a vanilla and you can let your guard down with them and just Be yourself.

Plus, I have to admit, I like the look on their faces, especially when the pieces click for them. Its just another part of who I am. Some people have blue eyes and others, brown. No biggie~

 

[FurryFury]

Yay you!

Coming out to a trusted friend that means so much to you!

Your paragraph breaks are awesome!

You rock!

 

[Netzach]

But, in the main, I agree with Catalina. It's not really anyone's business but mine.

Well, now it is only my business. But when it was my business there's a little more potential 'splainin to do.

 

[JupitersGirl]

Well, now it is only my business. But when it was my business there's a little more potential 'splainin to do.

And a lot more upside to that 'splainin. Gotcha!

 

[Homburg]

How did you come out the first time? Was it intentional? How did it go? Is it easier the second time around?

(Better Homburg and Furryfury? I can use paragraph breaks, I can use paragraph breaks, I can...)

Beautiful, my dear. Absolutely beautiful.

The wife of one of my best friends outed me to my mother.

It was a lovely experience, let me tell you. Luckily, she only knew about the poly stuff, and not the BDSM, but she had enough info there to make hints. I don't ever want to experience that sort of discussion with my mom or dad again. Fortunately, after they got over the shock, they both apologised, forgave me for the things I (rightfully) sad in our defense, and now say they support us regardless. *shrug* I wonder how much support we'd get if they found out that I beat her, etc...

A few of my friends know details. They are VERY trusted friends. I've introduced one to the BDSM world, and am mentoring him. The other is one that I'm talking to about it, and he is considering it. The rest of my friends are aware that I'm into kinky shit, but aren't looking too closely. Good for them.

 

[_kiana_]

I don't even remember my first "outing" but I want to contribute a little at least!

Most of our friends know we're kinky and poly. Most of them get the details by my journal and only a few get real time discussions with me about them. But we generally don't keep friends who aren't "out of the mainstream" in one way or another. It's not intentional but it just happen.

My husband tends to drop hints that are as big as boulders around people who don't know. He likes to watch them as they realize what he's talking about. We're visiting with family right now and he was doing the boulder thing about our newest (and first) poly situation while at dinner with my brother and his soon to-be wife. So annoyed! But oh well - she's smart enough to figure it out so I just out right told them. My brother shrugged and she nodded. We had a little discussion about fidelity, love, etc. No biggie. But then my husband did the boulder thing with them last time we were here with the kink side. So I don't think much could phase them about us at all. My mother used to be concerned about me and my "inclinations" before I was married. Now she simply doesn't care. Somehow getting married made everything just fine.

I'm so glad your first "outing" went well!

 

[DeservingBitch]

The social circles I move around tend to be very radical out there leftish. People around me tend to be more shocked or offended to learn that I eat meat than to learn that I'm poly/queer/into BDSM. Seriously. Geez, do the food police annoys me.

Friends with whom I would normally talk about sex and my sex/romantic life know who I am and what I'm into. With others, I have the same policy as Netzach. If you ask questions, I'll tell you. But again, I don't expect anyone to say much more than 'oh - cool', so it's relatively easy for me to have such policy.

Family. That's another story. My siblings know that I'm queer and poly. They don't know about the BDSM stuff. But it's not as if we talk about sex or our sex life that much with one another, so I don't really see the point of telling them out of the blue 'hey, I kinda like beating up people and doing nasty shit to their pink bits'.

My parents are in denial that I'm queer. Or rather, they think that it's a fab and that I'll grow out of it. In their defense, until a year and a half ago, I was in a 3 years long primary relationship with a man. Which i guess from their perspective is reason enough to believe that I'm not 'really' queer.

 

[unfoundiamond]

I know.

I know, and my best friend knows, and He knows... that's all, and that's all that matters to me.

Madetotakeit~~
Great job telling your bestfriend... and it almost sounds like he's into it too, since he's well informed, lol, justkiddin'

Being completely honest with anyone is dangerous too tho, best wishes, and be careful.

And DB, I wish I lived somewhere where I could find circles like that, not here in Florida... there's NO circles, NO scene... lol That's it, I need to move...

 

[EmpressFi]

Beautiful, my dear. Absolutely beautiful.

The wife of one of my best friends outed me to my mother.

It was a lovely experience, let me tell you. Luckily, she only knew about the poly stuff, and not the BDSM, but she had enough info there to make hints. I don't ever want to experience that sort of discussion with my mom or dad again. Fortunately, after they got over the shock, they both apologised, forgave me for the things I (rightfully) sad in our defense, and now say they support us regardless. *shrug* I wonder how much support we'd get if they found out that I beat her, etc...

A few of my friends know details. They are VERY trusted friends. I've introduced one to the BDSM world, and am mentoring him. The other is one that I'm talking to about it, and he is considering it. The rest of my friends are aware that I'm into kinky shit, but aren't looking too closely. Good for them.

of our circle of RL friends .. two people know. It was a mixture of things... how much we trusted them, they already knew we were into, as Homburg says, some kinky shit, but another reason was because we had to. My first poly experience was to be while I was visiting one of my best friends, "J", in England. I went there with my other best friend, "T". Since the plan was for me to get together with another friend while I was there and we didnt want T or J thinking I was cheating on Malin, we told them that we had decided to go poly. They both seemed to accept it rather easily, although T did the, "I dont know how you could do it, I never could" stance. Although, she didnt really "get" that it was ok for me to be with the other guy... but that's another story.

Now, within the circle of friends we share from online... (our gaming board)... and outside of Master and Malin's Mistress and girlfriend's...there are some who know and know we're together. There are some who know we're poly and I have a Dom. But for the most part, no one knows a thing... except that Malin and I are into kink..a little...

We dont tell any of our RL friends, because that inner circle includes his brother... and we're just not ready to face family with this. They wouldnt understand..and lets face it, my mother in law freaked when she found out he had a tattoo and moreso when she saw his tongue was pierced... found out he was sleeping with two other women and I'm sleeping with another man... she'd never recover

 

[the captians wench]

I'm weird.

I got curious at the shop that was selling my costumes at the time. They sold bdsm stuff too. Anyway, I'd come home some nights and would be talking to my mom and whince when I went to sit down. She just rolled her eyes at me. *giggles* She visited the shop from time to time (her baby girl was doing something she loved, why wouldn't she peek in?) so she knew the croud and knew what went on after hours.

When I first got involved with Jounar, I wore a dog collar around the house and eventually out side. Most people pass it off as a fashion statement, a few ask about it, and depending on where we're at and who it is, I tell them what I'm comfortable with them knowing.

There was no big "I am a sub" coming out experience for me. I just sort of made a smooth transition I guess.

 

[diverDr]

i would say few we really know me don't know about my preferences and very few really know me so very few know. but if u ask i won't lie, trust in this lifestyle is important but i don't talk about my sexlife with just anyone and never have.

diver

 

[Evil_Geoff]

I had several friends that were, shall we say, unconventional... Several were gay, of the most flamboyant type. One was a Leather boy... a married couple was, well... _he_ was a mostly gay bi-male and she was a mostly lesbian bi-female but the two of them discovered each other and fell madly in love regardless of their primary sexual preferences and ended up married...

They were easy. Their circle of friends were pretty much accepting and made it a lot easier for me to be open and out.

Then came the hard one. My then wife. I tried explaining, I tried talking about it, she just didn't get it. While I was out of the house one day, she picked up my copy of Different Loving and she picked a random spot in the book and read two pages.

The first words out of her mouth when I came home that evening were "I want a divorce."

I tried for almost a year after that... But she could not bring herself to submit to me, and she wouldn't let me go outside the marriage. And I finally said "No mas" and moved out.

I kept things pretty close to the vest in the rest of the nilla world until my children became adults, then it was "I'm out" to those who have a right, a need, or deserve to know, and it's no one else's business. But like Netzach, I'm of the opinion that if you don't really want to know, you better not ask the question.